Twilight senses something troubling and teleports to Canterlot. This leads to a series of events that force her to face feelings that she had tried to hide.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I enjoyed this story so far, the male Luna and Twilight romance is intriguing to me; I suggest you add the AU tag because Luna is male.
I get the impression that Twilight is acting too confidant and brash, feels more like Rainbow Dash than Twilight. It's your story so you can make her do whatever you want but I think she would be closer to her character if there is a bit of hesitation or internal panicking.
I'll give you props that they're all in character and that what you have is both cohesive and structured well enough. The writing though is very linear and kind of dulls what you're intending to convey. The first chapter is just too short and there isn't enough atmosphere for me to really appreciate everything that's going on.
>sees new story in TwiLuna -> Romance
Intriguing
>sees tags and number of chapters
Checking all boxes so far...
>sees adnotation in description:
Aaaand there goes all my interest. Avoiding.
8167575 And that's just fine, it's your preference. No one said you had to read it. I got the idea from reading another Prince Artemis story on this site and wanted to go in a slightly different direction.
8167369 Thank you. I am trying to keep them in character as much as possible. As for the rest, its my first story so I'm still trying to get the hang of it.
good story, so far, good start, I be wait for more,
8167234 Thank you for the reminder, I added the AU tag.
As for Twilight, it is not my intention for her to seem brash. However, I set this 3 years after she became a princess, so she has had some time and experience to build her confidence.
great story so far. I cant wait for more chapters.
8167800
You'll get better with time, I just want you to know that by developing the atmosphere through vivid description, you can skip a lot of this redundant narrative.
I like this, and can't wait for more
8167796
I'm not bashing or anything, just letting you know that there might be people with my opinion.
And whoever downvoted me, that was very immature.
This has promise.
Ive been wanting to write a male Luna and Twilight for some time so its cool to see someone else posting some. I look forward to seeing where you take this.
I think Celestia wouldn't have quite gotten that angry (but she certainly was justified to get mad). She usually has excellent control over her appearance and emotions and I rather think she would have still mostly appeared calm. Mostly, but with cracks in that visage. But everyone would have felt the ripples of anger rippling out from her.
I think that Nightmare finds something about Twilight attractive, just like Artemis does. So that must have something to do with him just letting her in a little too easy.
Cute. Pretty damn good for a first story. Definitely tracking.
8167882 Thank you, I'm glad you like it
8169127 Thank you!
8168652 Thank you.
If you haven't already, try "Cheaters Never Win" by The Iron Mask. It is also a Twilight and male Luna story.
Im definitely interested, this seems a very good story so far.
Ah...
This only gets better...
I have tears at the edge of my eyes, this is just beautiful...
I was cheering for the past 2 chapters for them to kiss, now that it happened I can't stop screaming