Stutbock
As surprised as Twilight Sparkle was to find both Princess Celestia and Luna randomly outside her castle doors, what surprised her even more was what they said first.
“Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia announced, “my sister and I have come with wonderful news! We both have agreed that you are indeed ready to advance to the next step in your alicorn training.”
Twilight was plain shocked. And excited, too. Up until that point she thought any possible alicorn training she might get had ended with just the wings and the fancy new title of Princess.
Twilight invited them both inside, ushering them into the living room and next to the fireplace. She noted Luna holding a wrapped box above her head.
“So does this next step have to do with spell casting?” Twilight blurted out like an energetic filly, as her mind raced with all the possible ideas. “Flying, perhaps? Horn sharpening? Governing? Shield spells? Time manipulation? Oh, I’m so darn excited to learn something new!”
Celestia and Luna nodded a single time, a proud smile on their lips.
Luna told her, “Today, Twilight Sparkle, we shall unveil to you one of the largest alicorn secrets there is.” She held up a length of beautiful, waving mane in one of her hooves. “Have you ever wondered just how our hair does this all day long?”
“Oh.” Twilight felt a bit deflated at that. Still, knowledge was knowledge! “So you’re going to teach me how you get your mane and tails to hover around like that? I’d always thought it was a gift that just happened around at a certain age. Or perhaps a spell. Or a really expensive shampoo.”
Celestia shook her head, regarding her student warmly. “Much simpler than that, actually. Luna? The box, please?”
As if presenting some sacred artifact, Luna lowered the box she’d brought along with her and gave it over to Twilight. Steeling herself, Twilight removed the wrapping and ribbon and opened it up.
Then she immediately raised a brow. “What is this? An extension cord?”
“In a way,” Celestia replied rather studiously. “It is a tool we alicorns use often—known in ancient times as a stutbock. Please, Twilight, take your stutbock and plug it into the closest outlet in the room.”
“Alllllright.”
Twilight did as she was bid, sticking one end of the extension cord-like object into the outlet at the end of the room. Then she returned to them with the other end in her hooves.
Luna smiled down at her proudly. “Well done, Twilight. You see, normal manes and tails are not technically meant to flow in a way such as ours. It actually takes a special current to get them to move on their own—an electrical current. A fully grown alicorn must charge themselves up with enough electric energy everyday to keep their hair perfectly wavy and glittery.”
Twilight grimaced. “So it’s electricity that keeps your hair like that? How does it even get in there? Through your horn?”
“Through your butt, of course,” Luna answered matter-of-factly.
Twilight paused. “Come again?”
“See the other end of your stutbock, Twilight?” Celestia asked. “The soft, plastic part?”
Twilight glanced at it. Hesitantly.
“…Yes.”
“That’s the part that goes up your butt,” Luna told her with a curt nod. “Zoom!”
“Up my…”
“Bum-bum.”
“Seriously? Up my—”
“Castle back door. Purple starfish. Lavender eye. Magic star. Knowledge hole. Cave of Deep, Dark Secrets. Pleasure portal. Scary Gary. Whatever you’ve come to call it these days.”
Twilight asked uncertainly. “So I basically stick an extension cord up my butt and that’s supposed to fill my mane and tail up with electricity?”
Celestia wrapped a gentle foreleg around her pupil’s shoulder. “I know it might seem rather inconvenient now, Twilight, but over time you’ll get used to it. Even enjoy it slightly. For example, your stutbock is only meant for beginners. Luna and I have been using level five stutbocks for centuries now.
“And for a full charge, I’d recommend staying plugged in for at least thirty to forty minutes. That’ll get you a good twenty-four hours of magical hair.” She chuckled to herself. “I usually recharge when I’m on my throne or going through mail. No pony ever notices.”
“I sometimes recharge when I’m reading in my study,” Luna added. “Such a warm feeling it is! Like being filled to the brim with pure sunshine and rainbows!”
Quickly, Twilight glanced between the two of them. “This really can’t be it, can it? I thought… I thought that maybe some more friendship problems would eventually do the trick!”
Celestia shook her head at her. “Not everything in this life can be accomplished through mere friendship, Twilight. Sometimes all it simply takes is electric butt magic.”
Twilight’s eyes popped open suddenly. “But what about Princess Cadence’s tail and mane? Hers doesn’t move like yours does! Have you not told her about any of this yet?”
At the same time, Celestia and Luna let out a weary sigh.
Luna broke the silence. “Much to Shining Armor’s dismay, Princess Cadence has taken a strict ‘nothing goes up my butt’ policy. If only she understood just what she was missing out on. What a tight ass.”
“But what is she missing out on, though?” Twilight asked plainly. “Besides the shimmering mane and tail? Does it give you any extra magic or talents or anything useful at all?”
“We’re afraid not,” Celestia admitted quietly. “But it sure looks cool, doesn’t it?”
Then she played with her flowing mane a bit.
***
Shining Armor wouldn’t stop staring daggers at Twilight across the dinner table. Brand new flowing mane and tail included. It seemed like his frown might soon become so great it would break his teeth.
“I really like the new hairdo, Twilight! So funky and hip!” their mother exclaimed cheerfully beside them. “But why not take a seat and make yourself more comfortable?”
Twilight avoided all eye contact as she remained standing beside the table. “Thanks, Mom. But I’m alright standing here. I was on my butt for quite a while today.”
“I’ll bet,” Shining muttered dryly. “Still seeing that colt friend of yours, Twilight?”
“Who? Todd? Yeah, we’re still going out sometimes.”
Like a wounded animal, Shining placed his head down on the table.
“Lucky bastard.”
Commission for anonymous for a whopping ten bucks a word! May you rest in peace, little bud.
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Shining's comment is kind of odd because they're, y'know, siblings. But it's a comedy so I still found it funny. Upvote from me
Plot twist: Todd is actually a wendigo, and his real name is Slepnir...
This is fantastic
Ten bucks a word.
Seriously?
Ehhh.
Well, that was moderately gross.
>>Mikleo
Shinning is jealous of Todd because he's dating a mare thats willing to try out butt stuff
I was expecting trolling from the real alicorns to the small alicorns.
... It basically was, but they were telling the truth anyway.
This brings to mind a GIF I saw of Twilight Sparkle with her tail plugged into an electrical outlet and her mane slowly lighting up like a battery indicator.
And I can't find it for the life of me.
Are you trying to tell me that someone paid over ten thousand dollars for this?
7909141 o.o .....I NEED THIS PICTURE.
7907678
It doesn't say what kind of hairdo she got, it might not be an "electric" one.
7909141
7911738
Found it!
derpicdn.net/img/2013/5/13/323817/large.gif
7912394
Yes! That's the one!
Jesus Christ, I was not expecting that.
My favorite line of all time, haha. Great job overall, this fic cheered me up.
I chuckled at the end. Take an upvote.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/491/680/171.jpg
Boo.
I was waiting for it to be a troll, but I can't say I'm disappointed with how it turned out! :D Upvote for "Through your butt, of course", fav'd for "electric butt magic".
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/756/988/7bb.gif
What the heck does "stutbock" mean though? D: Like, that's not a word! It's killing me!
I don't know who this Todd is, but he is indeed a lucky stallion.
7966727
Anagram for Buttocks, I believe.
Where the heck did you get Scary Gary?
Hot.
I like it when fics go into Twilight getting a flowing mane. I wish more did. Thanks for adding to the small list.
Almost twenty grand for a one shot?