• Member Since 16th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 days ago



After another repetitive letter from Twilight, Celestia accidently tells her what she really thinks.

Co-writing and Editing by Dreams of Ponies

Edit: Featured for a short time, and Popular Stories list 2/8/17, Thank you, everyone, who helped me get this on there.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 88 )

well, this is going to be a wild ride. no pun intended.

Edit: Sorry if I came across as 'harsh', but it's just hard for me to actually read things with glaring errors and bad flow since I read aloud or in my head as if I'm speaking. When I come across something that just doesn't work out loud I have to stop and think about it to correct it in my head as I'm reading.

I suppose it's a harsh reply for a story that's kinda harsh for me to read.
^This sentence uses both meanings for the word 'harsh'.
Please, read what you wrote out loud or even in your head before submitting it. This requires editing before I can read it.

This is Twilight Sparkle we're talking about here.
Besides Spike got laid before any one of his friends did.

Twilight pick up lines? As in lines she would use or lines to use on her?

"Why don't we go to my library so you can open me like a book and spend all night buried in me."

7910305 Wow, that was kinda harsh. I've been writing at college level since 4th grade, so it bugs me a lot to see bad writing, but this story was pretty well written for being unedited. I've seen edited stories on this site that don't look as good. This one's pretty solid.

So yeah, don't mind the haters, you're a good writer, EvilRat. This is a pretty amusing concept and I look forward to seeing what unfolds. :3
I wish I could think of a bad pickup line for you, but I've got nothing lol. Realistically, she could probably just walk into a bar and say "Who wants to fuck a princess?!" and get a piece xD

What would Twilight use as a pick up line?
"What's your favorite book? Really?! I love that one! We should read it, together, while you take my virginity. Why are you staring at me like that? Oh, sweet Faust did I actually say that out loud?"

7910341 I'm totally going to use that.

Twilight Sparkle and the Magic of Poontang is something we need in our lives. :rainbowlaugh:

Twilight would say "I like books". Like that kid in a turtle meme from a few years back. Twilight will lock up so hard it is going to be painful. Heck I bet she is the only virgin among her all friends in Equestria and in the Equestria Girls universe. Cadance has her work cut out for her.

Pick up lines... wow, that could get fun.

How about;
"As the Princess of Friendship, it is my duty to study all forms of friendship. How would you like to study 'friends with benefits' with me?"
"Applejack always talks about how satisfying it is to buck apples, how'd you like to buck a Sparkle?"

"I like my Stallions how I like my book on Applied Theoretical Magic Resonance on Ley Lines: Long Hard(cover) and Thick."

Also, this is gonna be an enjoyable ride I can tell.

7910395 If you change the pronouns it can be used either way.

Thanks for the lines, but know one thing, she isn't gonna get any.

"B-books aren't the only thing I like st-stiff!" Blushes furiously and runs away.

There are a lot of italics in this, was that intentional?

ok I can see this happen one of two way, either twilight is confuse and does not knew what getting laid/what sex is.....
or she confused cause she knew what it is and been have sex for a while now.....
either way this is going to be funny

Then Twilight, who always goes the extra mile to impress the Princess, promptly tries to screw every living thing in Equestria.


I'm really liking this, I'm looking forward to more.

As for bad Twilight pickup line, hmmm..."I want you to check me out like a book!"

me think someone going to need to send the princess a letter for help, and to ask why......

I personally think Twilight is the least experienced amount her friends with the concept of dating. They have their work cut out for them as Twilight is trying for the end goal instead of build up the necessary relationship first. This is why Celestia needed to institute a better education program with Twilight. She waited far to long certain normal things, like friends, and now Twilight is woefully unprepared for life as an adult. Now let's see how our favorite neurotic mare comes out of her shell and blossoms into something far more normal.

“Hi there, would you like to come to my castle and so you can open me like a book and spend all night buried in me.”

Hahahaha! Oh, my god, that is so funny! Poor Twilight.

Well this can only end perfectly

You should fix the random italics.

I dont know why she doesnt ask her sister in law and co Princess. It be the logical answer. But what if Shining intercepted her and gave her some... advice insted. Now listen Twily, guys love it when you act like you hate them. Its called tsundere, get angry at guys that look at you. If they try talking to you tease them a little and call them stupid. Then if they start talking to other mares, get angry and give them the cold sholder. The stallions will be lineing up at your door.

7914314 She will, but not yet. But she still isn't getting any.

I figured that would be the case, just saying that an overprotective brother might make such a meeting impossible.

You know that feeling where your brother has banged, like, half of the eligible mares in town and it makes you feel jealous of them, and your feelings of jealousy make you feel really uncomfortable? The pony word for that feeling is "siblonging," and Applejack has it bad.:applejackconfused:

Who's to say she'll get laid with a stallion and not a mare?

Yeah, I'm gonna need some mare pickup lines too.

That would've been so awkward if Applejack had caught Twilight. Great job and I love how you broke the fourth wall a bit and referenced the readers.

"So, if I were to attempt to initiate coitus with you, how receptive would you be?"
"Let's let pheromones dictate our hoofsteps."
"Your cover looks interesting. Mind if I read your pages?"
"You know where I'd find you in a library? Under P for Perfect."
"I'm interested in a little experiment. My lab or yours?"
"I'm sure your elements are compatible with mine. Let's make them mingle."
"You intrigue me in a way the library never could."

Also, Innocent Twilight Mode:
"Hey, can you tell me what sex is? 'Cause I'd be willing to do it with you."

Comment posted by SoarBird deleted Feb 6th, 2017

7926175 Post them, I will likely use them at some point.

7926181 Wanna eat me out like a hayburger? (Is said to a mare, can be said to stallions too tho)

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I love Trixie and Starlight in this fic.

Her old friend Lyra would be an awesome fail as Twilight probably doesn't know she has a mare friend. For stallions Flash Sentry.

You should give Cloud Kicker a cameo, but have her get called off for emergency weather duty before being able to arrange something. There also needs to be a scene where Twilight asks Cadance for advice and, while she does get some decent advice, ends up being propositioned to join the couple in bed. After Twilight freaks out and runs away, one of two things can happen. First, Cadance was suggesting something non-sexual and just wanted to mess with her. Second. Shining walks up and comments that they'll just have to invite Chrysalis over as usual.

"Would you like to help me practice my cunning linguist skills?"

7926965 Oh, Cadence will be appearing, I have special plans for that encounter.

7927003 I also hope that there a point in which Twilight goes to talk to Sunset.

"Twilight it's not a lesson. You are more wound up than a clock. You have more tension than a steel bar. Backed up more than the Hoofer Dam! Well, what are friends for." She takes Twilight home, cut forward to them laying in bed. Sunset has a stalk of hay in her mouth like a cigarette. Twilight is just relaxed, but also staring off into nothing.

First she turns herself into a stallion, then approaches the mare of her choosing. This plan is fullproof.

Great job once again.

As for pick up lines...here's one: "Wanna come inside my sugar walls?" Okay that was bad. I love that song though.

"I know you come here often, since I know you and specifically chose this area to initiate our encounter for precisely that reason, but for the sake of progressing through the awkward flirting stage, do you come here often?"

7927010 After some thought, I think I'm going to use that.

7913088 I'm like the pages if a book, girl. You turn my over about every minute.

“Though I didn’t want it to be this way, I have little doubt you are right. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Murphy: Wow. I might not have to do anything here. Neurotic types make their own misfortunes.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!