What would you do when you have to attend a costume party you really didn’t want to? In the case of our protagonist, you find the cheapest thing you can buy and find a way to justify it as a costume to anyone who asks. But what happens when that innocent party leads to an event that completely changes your life?
An event that not only teleports our protagonist to the ancient past of a familiar world but also changes his species and gender. And while our hero knows what’ll happen eventually, even she can’t know if her existence will invalidate the history she knows must happen.
But can a young demon survive in a world so predisposed to light magic? Or will all her efforts fail as she destroys fate while becoming the very villain she appears to be?
*Sigh*
You know, I'm usually not one to mind these kinds of things, but after a while it just. . . it kind of gets old. It was weird to me the first time I read something like it, and even today I still can't help but view it as something along the lines of a male wish fulfillment fantasy, and I'm a guy.
I'm not saying I dislike your story, far from it. Nor am I saying that this is just another one of those fics. If anything it's a lot better, and mildly refreshing. I just wanted to say that maybe the whole gender bender thing is a little overused.
I'm commenting here. Nice story.
Bumpy start.
The "prologue" in the human world felt like a blog post recapping something tha happened in real life up to the "staff fom back of car" part. Replace the few lines that seem more like internal thoughts with description-like versions or maybe even chop off a bit of the "staff" back and forth.
I had forgottn about the "crossover" tag until the character description, which was definitely some "I'm describing something from a series without outright saying who it is" stuff. I think you should talk to someone more knowledegble than me becase I don't know better ways to avoid than slice it into a "blurry" description which would gloss over most details that aren't important to the story
Manticores are cliched. (Don't change it to a cockatrice) However, it does carry your plot forward sensibly. I just wanted to mention it.
Anyway, if you do look at training and do some world building which I'd hope those last lines imply, even without changing anything I'd say people will like it.
Also this is at the bottom because it's probably my own bias and this is just getting started so I dunno where you'll take this, but is the crossover necessary? (makes more sense than creating an OC with similar attributes?) Dunno what it's a crossover with, so…
As well, is the character having prior knowledge (knows the show) necessary? It'd probably be best to cut it if not.
Also was the magic surge twice joke intentional or am I seeing faces in clouds so to speak
Best of luck and sorry if I have typos, I'm typing this on what amounts to a potato.
No originality here. The same formula we've seen countless times with stories similar to this is being done again without any effort of making an original piece.
Things you need to fix is the way your protagonist gets to "pre-Equestria", his back story (Like removing everything that talks about him knowing about mlp earlier. It breaks any immersion with the story when done wrong.), and fix whatever he turns into. Like is it really necessary for the guy to turn into a female demon, of all things. Why a demon? It should be something more interesting than "I wore a female demon costume at a costume party because why the fuck not, also I buy some strange item at a costume party because fuck originality."
This story honestly is the reason human in Equestria stories are look down upon. It's the same story over and over except the human gets turned into a variety of shapes,forms, and colors.
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You seem to like talking out your arse about things you seem to have no clue of don't you?
Your whole gripe with this story has boiled down to nothing more than "This story isn't tailor made to my preferences"
Get off your bloody high horse
7750219 I don't think it's me who has to get off the high horse my lovely friend. I think you need to sit your cheeks back down where it belongs until you know what you're talking about.
I didn't criticize this person's story out of personal preferences. I critiqued it by its formula and it's basic foundations, and how it's a repeat of other stories of its kind. I gave possible fixes with my criticisms so I don't leave the author scratching his head on what to do.
I have definitely a clue on what I'm talking about, for I know with basic common knowledge of what the base is for every type of story. And as a reader, I am allowed to commentate my thoughts on the material given to me.
So, good sir, you can take you and your butthurt bare behind off of my business and come back to me when you aren't acting like such a uneducated delinquent.
7750248
Let's look again at what you wrote shall we?
"No originality here. The same formula we've seen countless times with stories similar to this is being done again without any effort of making an original piece."
It's certainly more original than most, for starters they aren't at some form of anime convention, they weren't dressed up as a demon at the party, so transformation into something they didn't dress up as is also rarely done. They didn't buy a prop from the RE4: merchant, they also weren't sent through a portal it was left rather open ended as to what is actually going on since they cracked their head open on the pavement. The only particularly unoriginal thing about it is the base concept of X gets transported to Equestria and Transformed into Y. And if your complaint is that it is one of said stories, that is you complaining that it is not your personal preference.
"Things you need to fix is the way your protagonist gets to "pre-Equestria", his back story (Like removing everything that talks about him knowing about mlp earlier. It breaks any immersion with the story when done wrong.)"
Actual criticism here, nothing more to add
"and fix whatever he turns into. Like is it really necessary for the guy to turn into a female demon, of all things. Why a demon? It should be something more interesting than "I wore a female demon costume at a costume party because why the fuck not, also I buy some strange item at a costume party because fuck originality."
Personal preference complaints, you're complaining you don't like what they were turned into. Again, they didn't wear a Demon costume to a party, it was a budget Mage so they were transformed into something unrelated to their costume (which is rarely done) They also didn't buy anything they were leant the staff by a random stranger at a party. (Again rarely happens in the "displaced" fics, especially as most are set at "authors closest convention")
"This story honestly is the reason human in Equestria stories are look down upon. It's the same story over and over except the human gets turned into a variety of shapes,forms, and colors"
Complaint about plot devices inherent to the HIE fics with what comes across as opinion as fact.
7751535 I criticized the protagonist's transformation cause it made no sense whatsoever. The author didn't explain any original reasoning about putting on a costume which leaves me the reader with "a what the fuck confused" expression while I try to wrap my head around what the hell the actual significance is about said costume. If you're going to write such a major factor of your story, you should flesh it out more so it doesn't look like it was put in their for random filler.
I'll let you have it though that the author's foundations isn't the most popular formula that every HiE author does, but his formula is the second most popular one. There are so many stories with the exact same premise as this one, where human goes to a party and transforms into whatever they're wearing. Even the transport to Equestria way they did was done to death. Person gets injured>Blacks out>Hello Equestria.
None of my criticisms are preference based. Hell, I could care less on what the human transforms into, but I want to know why. Give me something to believe that this isn't unoriginal filler.
I'll follow, if for nothing else to see where and how you take this as does seem to have possibilities
Yay more blue lady
Bath time?
I want you to write it next chapter for the sheer awkwardness that will likely stem from it.
With no picture, it took me a while to figure it was Towa from Dragon Ball universe. As the name was used for a male character, and thus until I heard about the staff and white hair, well, it too me a while. I will state that like what I have seen, and it would be unique see how this version of Towa adapt to this world of ponies.
more please!
Well, You hit almost every cliche on the way out of the SI pile, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Star Swirl is excellent in this, and is the biggest reason this has caught my attention. I do hope I can see more from this in the future.
Very good
MORE PLEASE!!
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heh it took me two guesses to figure out who it was as to me the suit, hair and staff gave it away though my first guess was him turning into Smurf
Nice start to the story
More please this story is genial
It looks like it could be interesting...
Definitely an interesting idea. A pity that you likely wont continue this, but the idea is pretty solid.
I love this story I hope it comes back it’s a great story
More? Are u ded?
No pulse bois..... he ded.... quick steal his story and his bacon!!