I still can’t believe that Star Swirl carried me all the way back to his humble cottage on the edge of the Unicorn Woods, which is apparently the name of the forest I woke up in. Though the best part was when I mentioned how stupid the name was to him and he just sighed before telling me that it was named by an arrogant noble who owned the forest and the land around it. He apparently ran afoul of one of the myriad of monsters that calls the forest home. Still the fact that Star Swirl could carry me and my staff all the way to his house without a break is impressive. I doubt I’m light in my new body and I know my staff is pretty heavy.
But he did it. And as soon as he opened the door he pulled a cot out of a nearby room with his magic and plopped me on top of it before telling me to lie down and stay still. He also propped my staff up against the wall near the door and then went over to a nearby desk and pulled out some paper, or at least something that looks like paper, as well as some quills and an ink pot. He also pulled out a plank of wood that he put his paper on before he turned to me and began casting a bunch of different magic spells at me.
And after the first few dozen spells I stopped paying attention. Instead I tried to remember as much of my life as I could. And while I could remember a lot of facts about both science and fiction I can barely remember anything else. Like anything related to my friends and family. I don’t like this. Will I forget more things the longer I’m here? Can I even recover my missing memories if I get back my real body? Is it even my real body or is it just a hallucination brought on by my memory loss?
No! I have memories. I remember them. They’re just…fragmented. But they’re there! I still remember what I learned in school. Like my Calculus and Physics courses, thought I don’t know how useful Physics will be in this world considering all the magic. And speaking of this world, I remember all about how Twilight Sparkle and her friends awaken the Elements of Harmony and save Equestria. But if I remember all that, why can’t I remember my family? Why am I in this body? Why…
“I’m done.” Star Swirl announces casing me to break out of my self-destructive thoughts and look at him. Though as I do I notice that it’s a lot darker outside the window. In fact, it looks like it’s night now. How long was I laying here letting him examine me? I mean sure it looked like it was after noon when he brought me into the cottage but this seems ridiculous.
“What did you find?” I ask him as I start to sit up on the cot while he puts his papers onto his table and trots over to a bucket in the corner of the room.
“Well Towa, you do seem to be suffering from a magic induced amnesia. Luckily, or unluckily depending on your point of view, your body is already healing from it.” When he says my name, or the only name I know, I can’t help but shiver.
I know that’s not my name but I can’t think of what it should be. Still he doesn’t notice my discomfort since he’s not looking at me since he’s currently putting a wooden cup into the bucket. And as he pulls it out I see some water fall out from it.
“What do you mean unluckily?” I ask him as he levitates the cup over to me. And when I see the water inside it I realize how thirsty I am. And due to my massive thirst, I quickly take the cup and start drinking the fresh water in it. Ah, this hits the spot.
“You may never recover your memories due to it. Though considering what you are I’m surprised to see this happening. I can only assume that the magic surges you experienced did more damage to your body than it can heal easily.” I almost drop my cup when he says I’ll never recover my memories. Wait, he said I may never recover my memories. I just have to have some faith that I’ll eventually recover them. Wait, he knows what I am now?
“What am I?” I ask him as I finish off the water and put the cup down. Though I could probably use a bit more water later.
“Hmm? Oh, you’re a demon. Though I’ve never heard or read about any demons like you. It’s quite amazing actually.” How does someone react to finding out they’re a demon? I don’t think I’m doing it right since I just can’t feel anything.
“I’m a demon? But I don’t feel like a demon.” I don’t really feel any different. Well besides being a woman now. And I guess I’m stronger and more durable but nothing about me really screams demon to me. I mean, where are my horns?
“Well I wouldn’t know anything about that, but my spells don’t lie. You’re a demon.” How blunt. I wonder if this is how he always is.
“If that’s the case, why aren’t you terrified to be around me? I mean, I’m evil aren’t I?” As far as I know all demons are evil. And while I don’t feel evil, would I even notice if I am? Could I already be evil and not realize it?
“Why would I be terrified of you? You may be a demon but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a living being who needs my help. And I haven’t seen any sign that you’re evil. Admittedly, we haven’t spent much time together. But in that time, all I’ve seen is a scared being who suffered some kind of trauma that I may be able to heal.” I don’t know what to say. Would a human do the same thing in this situation? I’d hope so.
“I…”
“Besides, I wish to finish examining your unique magic. From what I’ve seen you have the potential to be one of the, if not the, strongest magic user on the planet. And that’s not even mentioning that magic that you used against the manticore. I have no idea what it was and I’d like to find out.” And there goes all my good feelings for Star Swirl. I guess he’s not as altruistic as I thought he was.
“So…I’m nothing more than an experiment for you?” I ask him with an undercurrent of hostility in my voice.
“What? No no no. Why would you think that? Sure you’re an interesting specimen, but I’m more concerned about your health. And your potential. But mostly your health.” Though as he says that he levitates some of his notes off his desk and begins to read them again.
“You don’t really fill me with a lot of confidence here Star Swirl.” I tell him as I watch even more notes levitate over to him.
“Why? Did I say something wrong again? I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I’ve been told in the past that I sometimes say the wrong thing. Especially when it comes to magic.” I have to give him some credit. He did lower his notes and make eye contact with me as he apologized. Even if his apology is a little halfhearted.
“I guess I can forgive you.” Especially since I have nowhere else to go and he’s the only person, err pony, I know on this planet.
“Good. Now why don’t you get some sleep and we can start your tutoring tomorrow.” Huh? What’s he talking about?
“Tutoring?”
“Of course! I see it as my duty to teach you everything you need to know about both magic and the world around you. Now, you should have a bit more water and then head straight to bed. Tomorrow we’re going to covering a lot of core concepts.” As he says that he picks up his notes again while also refilling my cup with some more water before floating it back to me.
“If you say so.” I say to him as I begin to slowly drink the water he gave to me.
“I do. Now I need to review all these results and get some sleep myself. Good night Towa.” Ugh, I still don’t like that name but I guess I’m going to have to live with it.
“Good night Star Swirl.” I tell him as he trots out of the room into the one he pulled the cot from while snuffing all the candles in this room using his magic. And while he doesn’t acknowledge what I said I’m sure he heard me.
Still as the door closes I lay back down on the cot and look at what little I can see of the ceiling in the moonlight. I don’t know what to think about this. I’m trapped in the past of a fictional world and I’m now a demon. And not only that, but I’m going to start learning magic from a unicorn wizard as if this day couldn’t get any more surreal.
Ugh, maybe sleep will help. It certainly can’t hurt. Maybe everything will make more sense tomorrow. Though I heavily doubt that. Still I shouldn’t give up all my optimism. I’m still alive after all. I just need to take this one day at a time.
*Sigh*
You know, I'm usually not one to mind these kinds of things, but after a while it just. . . it kind of gets old. It was weird to me the first time I read something like it, and even today I still can't help but view it as something along the lines of a male wish fulfillment fantasy, and I'm a guy.
I'm not saying I dislike your story, far from it. Nor am I saying that this is just another one of those fics. If anything it's a lot better, and mildly refreshing. I just wanted to say that maybe the whole gender bender thing is a little overused.
Bumpy start.
The "prologue" in the human world felt like a blog post recapping something tha happened in real life up to the "staff fom back of car" part. Replace the few lines that seem more like internal thoughts with description-like versions or maybe even chop off a bit of the "staff" back and forth.
I had forgottn about the "crossover" tag until the character description, which was definitely some "I'm describing something from a series without outright saying who it is" stuff. I think you should talk to someone more knowledegble than me becase I don't know better ways to avoid than slice it into a "blurry" description which would gloss over most details that aren't important to the story
Manticores are cliched. (Don't change it to a cockatrice) However, it does carry your plot forward sensibly. I just wanted to mention it.
Anyway, if you do look at training and do some world building which I'd hope those last lines imply, even without changing anything I'd say people will like it.
Also this is at the bottom because it's probably my own bias and this is just getting started so I dunno where you'll take this, but is the crossover necessary? (makes more sense than creating an OC with similar attributes?) Dunno what it's a crossover with, so…
As well, is the character having prior knowledge (knows the show) necessary? It'd probably be best to cut it if not.
Also was the magic surge twice joke intentional or am I seeing faces in clouds so to speak
Best of luck and sorry if I have typos, I'm typing this on what amounts to a potato.
No originality here. The same formula we've seen countless times with stories similar to this is being done again without any effort of making an original piece.
Things you need to fix is the way your protagonist gets to "pre-Equestria", his back story (Like removing everything that talks about him knowing about mlp earlier. It breaks any immersion with the story when done wrong.), and fix whatever he turns into. Like is it really necessary for the guy to turn into a female demon, of all things. Why a demon? It should be something more interesting than "I wore a female demon costume at a costume party because why the fuck not, also I buy some strange item at a costume party because fuck originality."
This story honestly is the reason human in Equestria stories are look down upon. It's the same story over and over except the human gets turned into a variety of shapes,forms, and colors.
7726088
You seem to like talking out your arse about things you seem to have no clue of don't you?
Your whole gripe with this story has boiled down to nothing more than "This story isn't tailor made to my preferences"
Get off your bloody high horse
7750219 I don't think it's me who has to get off the high horse my lovely friend. I think you need to sit your cheeks back down where it belongs until you know what you're talking about.
I didn't criticize this person's story out of personal preferences. I critiqued it by its formula and it's basic foundations, and how it's a repeat of other stories of its kind. I gave possible fixes with my criticisms so I don't leave the author scratching his head on what to do.
I have definitely a clue on what I'm talking about, for I know with basic common knowledge of what the base is for every type of story. And as a reader, I am allowed to commentate my thoughts on the material given to me.
So, good sir, you can take you and your butthurt bare behind off of my business and come back to me when you aren't acting like such a uneducated delinquent.
7750248
Let's look again at what you wrote shall we?
"No originality here. The same formula we've seen countless times with stories similar to this is being done again without any effort of making an original piece."
It's certainly more original than most, for starters they aren't at some form of anime convention, they weren't dressed up as a demon at the party, so transformation into something they didn't dress up as is also rarely done. They didn't buy a prop from the RE4: merchant, they also weren't sent through a portal it was left rather open ended as to what is actually going on since they cracked their head open on the pavement. The only particularly unoriginal thing about it is the base concept of X gets transported to Equestria and Transformed into Y. And if your complaint is that it is one of said stories, that is you complaining that it is not your personal preference.
"Things you need to fix is the way your protagonist gets to "pre-Equestria", his back story (Like removing everything that talks about him knowing about mlp earlier. It breaks any immersion with the story when done wrong.)"
Actual criticism here, nothing more to add
"and fix whatever he turns into. Like is it really necessary for the guy to turn into a female demon, of all things. Why a demon? It should be something more interesting than "I wore a female demon costume at a costume party because why the fuck not, also I buy some strange item at a costume party because fuck originality."
Personal preference complaints, you're complaining you don't like what they were turned into. Again, they didn't wear a Demon costume to a party, it was a budget Mage so they were transformed into something unrelated to their costume (which is rarely done) They also didn't buy anything they were leant the staff by a random stranger at a party. (Again rarely happens in the "displaced" fics, especially as most are set at "authors closest convention")
"This story honestly is the reason human in Equestria stories are look down upon. It's the same story over and over except the human gets turned into a variety of shapes,forms, and colors"
Complaint about plot devices inherent to the HIE fics with what comes across as opinion as fact.
7751535 I criticized the protagonist's transformation cause it made no sense whatsoever. The author didn't explain any original reasoning about putting on a costume which leaves me the reader with "a what the fuck confused" expression while I try to wrap my head around what the hell the actual significance is about said costume. If you're going to write such a major factor of your story, you should flesh it out more so it doesn't look like it was put in their for random filler.
I'll let you have it though that the author's foundations isn't the most popular formula that every HiE author does, but his formula is the second most popular one. There are so many stories with the exact same premise as this one, where human goes to a party and transforms into whatever they're wearing. Even the transport to Equestria way they did was done to death. Person gets injured>Blacks out>Hello Equestria.
None of my criticisms are preference based. Hell, I could care less on what the human transforms into, but I want to know why. Give me something to believe that this isn't unoriginal filler.
I'll follow, if for nothing else to see where and how you take this as does seem to have possibilities