• Member Since 28th May, 2014
  • offline last seen 29 minutes ago

ShadowblazeCR


As a writer you ask yourself to dream while you're awake. As an editor you ask yourself how to change a story while leaving it the same.

Sequels1

T

Vinyl Scratch is almost killed by a very attractive assassin. Almost.


Chapters featured: 1-5

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 144 )

This, my good sir, need a sequel

Oh yes. :)

Assassin and love at the same time, with no one taking it seriously. Reminds me of pulp fiction, but with lesbians and spy's.

That was cool. Also, human Octavia :heart:

Moar! You have given us a beautiful new world with so much possibility, so. More please?

This story is so fast-paced that half of the story gets glossed over, and what should be intense action scenes barely take up two paragraphs.

Most of the sentences are over-extended and lacking proper punctuation, and there's a whole lot of random changes to present tense halfway through random sentences.

The story tells almost everything and shows barely anything.

And finally, this story's setting and characters are so far removed from MLP that I can't even really buy that they were anything other than vaguely inspired by niche fandom interpretations of the characters. I guarantee you that if you replaced all of the pony names with human names, people would just think it was an incredibly condensed version of an original property.

When an AU humanized Equestria with radically different characterizations starts using the word Christmas instead of Hearth's Warming, that's how you know this isn't pony.

Cool cover art, though.

7458840

This story is so fast-paced that half of the story gets glossed over

Ah, yeah this one right here, I was also thinking on that when I read it, though, it seemed harmless enough and since it was a one-shot I actually thought that It was something passable. Huh.

However I really should've seen all of the other problems you pointed out. Oh well...

By the way, I don't see any good reason for those dislikes on your comment.

Not a bad story, I enjoyed it. Plus I can't not comment on those Jormungand references. :pinkiehappy: I love that anime!

7459136

I'm glad someone got that reference!:yay:

7459131 I have a very straightforward, no-punches-pulled style of criticism and basically every other comment on this story is just people begging for a sequel. People tend to assume the majority vote is correct, therefore the single negative voice is treated as the fool. Hence the downvote.

Honestly, I expected worse.

7459161 Yeah, expected from herd mentality, It's still very childish to act like that just because ''Different opinion, burn him!''

Although:

therefore the single negative voice is treated as the fool.

Yeah, pretty much that.

EDIT: Kek, another fool joins.

7459166 We seem to be of a like mind, you and I.

The strategically viable choice seems to be friendship.

What say you, general?

7459161

Honestly, I'm glad you put the review you did. I like reviews, especially ones that don't sugar coat it. Like look at my first story, Fort Impression did a whole review and I still use things he said today. Having reviews like yours help a ton. Sure they aren't the most fun to read, for just the same reason that they're beneficial. They don't pull punches.

But I guess I should talk to you about your review. I agree with almost everything, but understand how one of your other points are there. Almost everything you listed I went in writing this knowing or getting at some point where I knew they were going to be a problem. Which is why I had some people look it over for me, I had a feeling of unease while writing this because it wasn't something I had really done before.

I knew I was taking a risk posting this, because it was a one-shot with a way longer history/backstory/story or whatever you want to call it. You were totally right about the fast pacing. But I had that because it was already climbing in word count and still barely going anywhere plot wise. So, I had to sacrifice the pace and the story of the universe for getting everything else in. Which turned out to get a relatively good choice as I got a feature because of it.

So, really this was what could've been a quite long multichapter fic in what is about six thousand words. Just an introduction to Vinyl could've been a whole chapter. The whole story probably could've been broken up to ten chapters. The time Vinyl and Octavia spent together at the house would've been a few chapters. But I wanted this to be a one-shot because I was already experimenting with something I hadn't really seen done.

Really all of the points you said in your review, other than my grammar and stuff like that, could've been been fixed through chapters. If I had known this would've gotten pretty good reception then that's what I would've done. But I did a one-shot because they have a good amount of pros. They let the reader imagine what they want to when something isn't explained, it lets me put all my endings at a point where they could become multi chapter, and usually are pretty safe to write.

The grammar is mostly because I didn't have my usual editor with me, along with how I really just skimmed over it. I just looked for any red lines out of place, other than the usual MLP "misspelled" stuff. That was laziness on my part and I apologize for it. As for the part with Christmas and Hearths Warming part. I mostly just did that for the two jokes that are used with it. It also puts the human part in it. I've done the opposite before too. Saying that in some far place that they did Christmas and in the current place it was Hearths Warming.

To wrap up, I've gotta say again that I really appreciate the review and I liked it. I always need some good 'ol no-nonsense reviews. I'll be sure to take into account your points when I write my next stories.

P.S.

I really, literally, did like your review. So, I'm sorry for whoever disliked it. I have to deal with people like that all the time on BadFics. Just wanted you to know it wasn't me being one of those guys.

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7459161
7459166

But but but I didn't downvote anything! :fluttercry:

7459261 Then we're not talking about you.

EDIT: That joke went straight above my head... God I'm a retard. :facehoof:

7459262

Good, good. There are many of us fools around, it gets confusing when one gets called out.

7459253 So, most of the problems just stem from the decision to make it a one-shot, eh?

In response to that, the only thing I can say is that it might be worth thinking about expanding. Maybe experiment with a sequel, but take your time and see how long the story wants to be.

As it is though, my downvote on the story still stands. Good ideas are good ideas, but execution is everything, and in its current form, this story is not particularly good.

7459267

As it is though, my downvote on the story still stands. Good ideas are good ideas, but execution is everything

Gen Urobuchi does not approve this.

7459277

And your edit brought me quite the hearty chuckle. :rainbowlaugh:

7459271

Glad to see you found it amusing as well, I do aim to please :trollestia:

Edit: Gah, forgot to split and add the General
Edit 2: Formatting because it was bothering me.

7459267

Yeah, I'll think about it. I'd rather get all my other stuff out before I get to it though. As for your downvote, that's totally fine with me. I'm not gonna whine, I'm just glad you gave reasons as to why.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. No joke, I was just talking about how this works in fics about a few days ago. This thread was where I was talking about it. Good discussion went on there, by the way.

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7459262

Wasn't I Skullcoat.

7459284 But surely, fool, if thou dost aim to please, then surely thou shalt forever fall short of the mark, borne upon the back of thine imbecilities towards failure and further ridicule? Surely a fool who doth aim to please should instead aim to never conjure a laugh, such that his affliction of failure instead bring to him true success.

7459286 I respect your choices, and look forward to the next time you catch my eye.

7459300

I hope I can, it was great to talk to someone who knows what they're talking about. I hope to work towards or gain a friendship with you in the time being.

7459295

Tis dark truth to your words. Depressing, crippling truth. Like when you stop putting birthday candles on your cake for fear of starting a fire and instead just put those number candles on. Or when you have a masterful plan to shed yourself of past agonies and be reborn anew to seize the day but circumstances have conspired against you because you were born a banana. Life is a stage, comedy and tragedy intertwined. One way or the other, one achieves success. So if I fail to amuse then I've succeeded in my own sadness. Which rhymes with madness. And that's just the perfect excuse for a glass of water.

I love how I decided to read this right after watching assassination classroom :derpytongue2:

This was so freaking awesome and fun :pinkiecrazy:
Assassin Octavia and Vinyl are so badass and hilarius.
I realy would love to read more about them.

This needs to be longer. Like, this universe is full of too much badass for it to only be shown through a one-shot.

Also;

It went from a small M1911 to a Desert Eagle

Sorry to be that guy, but a 1911 isn't 'small'. It's big. Almost as big as the DEagle, if you were doing a sort of 'range of weapons that Vinyl is trained in' thing and if you were talking about round sizes (.45 compared to.50AE), because I know that DEagles dwarf just about every pistol put next to them.

Then again, who really gives a shit?

Well, well, well. Look who found himself in the featured box.:ajsmug:

.... I'm not sure I like the idea that Gilda's a traitor. Doesn't really seem her nature.

7459991

Yeah, it was just what I could think of off my head. All that's really based off of is my Battlefield gaming experience.

7460916

I wasn't necessarily basing her character off of the new one. More so, the Gilda from when she was introduced. I just thought that out of Vinyl's friends, if there was a competitor for Dash she would be one. Think of it that kind of thing where she got really jealous of someone else getting in on her friendship along with the large loyalty to the Shadowbots and the information Vinyl could give away. Which she will be able to use during attacks on the Princess since the Shadowbolts like to deal with slightly suspicious people.

7461106 That sounds more like Lightning Dust personally who makes more sense since she HAS shown less care of who's around her and just loves flaunting her ego around.

7461109

True, I'd actually forgotten about her character. But at the time it seemed that Gilda would be more fitting and work better in the long run.

7460904

I had to think outside the box to get in the box. Ya know?

7461126 I understand. Still feel sad but I totally understand.

7461132

I still really like Gilda's character. She's voiced by one of my most favorite voice actors of all time. Like, she's voiced by the same VA that voices Revy from Black Lagoon.

First off, the image reminded me of "Baccano!"
Secondly, "Quick! Octavia's trying to kill you! Use the Undertale aproach and flirt your way out of danger!" :pinkiegasp:

Omg this story deserves a sequal

Vinyl Scratch is almost killed by a very attractive assassin. Almost.

Roll credits.

The Wonderbolts are like, the exact opposite, where they plan everything out, go in pairs and go after the exact target, keeping collateral damage at a low.

Which is why Octavia, a trainee, was sent by herself to kill Vinyl, the 6th most dangerous member of a rival assassination organization. And this raised no red flags with anyone?

Octavia?

We Wonderbolts have to know everything about our target. Just in case. And I like to be extra thorough.

How about the fact that you're in way over your head with no backup? Did this not bother you at all?

Gilda?

It seems like Gilda could be apart of the Infiltration Squad of the Shadowbolts. Most likely here because they wanted to keep an eye on everything.” I sighed. “But, in all likeliness, she was activated because of me. But she most likely had gotten lazy and didn’t want to leave here. Because, obviously, you’d have to blow your cover. Which lead to her finding a way to get Octavia an assignment to kill me...Think about it. I’m going to be tasked with being a personal bodyguard for Princess Twilight. The Shadowbolts don’t want any information, especially information that could destroy them, getting out.”

So a sleeper agent for the Shadowbolts sends a trainee to kill "one of the top assassins...trained by the Headmaster". And this was all easier than Shadowbolt HQ sending her a letter telling her not to take the job?

...

Someone, please, have some sense! Rainbow Dash?

I hadn’t paid attention to what she put through as Octavia’s first mission. Gilda had gained my trust enough that I thought she would make a wise decision for the first mission...

I'm pretty sure this constitutes dereliction of duty, since I gather it's supposed to be her job to oversee the trainees. It's amazing the Wonderbolts hadn't fallen apart years ago with this level of incompetence up and down the ranks.

havent seen vinyl/octavia featured story in while and it is rly nice altho i feal it could be a bit longer considering how you built world around it.all in all nice story could go for sequel :D

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