• Member Since 20th Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen Jul 15th, 2017


Hello mares and gentlestallions, my name is MBronyM, welcome to my account!


Another saiyan escaped the explosion of Planet Vegeta. Though this Saiyan landed on Equis (Pre-NightMare Moon Banishment). Luna finds Kale and decides to take him in and care for him as her own. She has to keep this alien warrior child a secret from Celestia however, or Celestia may think he's too dangerous to have around...
(http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/dragonball/images/c/c5/Heroe(DBH).jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110316185157 Basic Look of Kale)

(Also, sorry if the prologue and the first chapter are a bit...rushed. Nothing else will be rushed)

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 26 )

KO cool story hope to see mother and son reunited. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

Thanks for the like! More is on the way! :twilightsmile:

Where do i start ?
The beginning seems right, telling the tale of yet another saiyan who survived this genocide

Yes Frieza, you are.

More seriously, it didn't start bad, no really with Kale's dad fleeing from Frieza's army and saving his kid
it seemed cool
but...the hell is that note ?
when did he wrote that one ?
his planet is under attack but he takes time to write on a paper while dodging laser beams and fists that his son is a saiyan, his name is Kale and he can fly, use Ki, he's from a warrior race, he needs training, don't keep him up too late blablabla....
That's a hell of a note, they should have think about this with Superman when he landed on earth.
But in the end, it seems like an idea to fasten the plot even more so Luna can start his training early, and he can already start to act as a saiyan.

Back to Kale's dad, why didn't he jumped into the escape pod with Kale ?
he managed to escape frieza's soldiers so may be he could have hide there, i don't think those guys would have been powerful enough to destroy it anyway, and don't tell me it was because of his injuries, remember Vegeta when he left the Earth after his fight with Goku ?
Those pods had everything to keep him alive, not cure him, but at least keep him alive with his son, i think he can perfectly fit inside with a baby
even if he ends up dying once the pod is discovered by Luna, at least, you got a better reason for Luna to know that he's a saiyan, than a note.

Luna finds Kale, read the note, find out about his origin, and decide to hide the baby from Celestia, okay why not
we can think that she has starting to lose her trust into her sister, so Celestia could see him as Dangerous.
because even a saiyan baby can be dangerous of course (Broly doesn't count here), even more when you don't really know what a saiyan is, except that it's a warrior race, and that he can fly.
The griffons, seems like a warrior race too, and ponies aren't seeing them as dangerous.

Seeing as it was only the beginning of Luna losing her trust into Celestia, i think she would have tell her about the baby, dangerous or not, it's a baby, they could have keep him and raise him, so he wouldn't be a threat to ponies.

Luna decides to hide the baby, fine.....for 9 years ?
For 9 years, she managed to hide him from Celestia and any of the ponies working in the castle so that nopony would ever ask Celestia, who is this creature hanging around with her ?
She's pretty good at Hide and seek.

Then comes the training, nine years later, i'm still really suprised about no one finding out about them
okay they were in the woods, but the castle wasn't that far from them apparently and KI blasts aren't that silent usually.

Anyway, Luna gets banished, and Kale gets sealed away after he turned into an Oozaru
why not ?
But can you tell me...just how for 9 years Luna manage to hide him from the moon ?
even Goku ended up seeing it when he was younger, even with his grandpa doing his best to keep him at home at night
But Luna, who get him sleeping in her room, with a balcony giving a nice view on the sky, you can't tell me he never turned into an Oozaru before in 9 years and that nobody noticed.

In the end, it started nice, the story had a lot of potential, even with his...weird facts, heh even Dragon ball isn't perfect, or 5 minutes wouldn't take 30 episodes
i think the real problem is your pacing, you're too fast, i'm not talking about the 9 years between the prologue and first chapter
but more about all the little things you find to fasten the plot, like the "note", to directly explain what h is, Luna who manage to hide him and immediately trains him, he's so good at training for his first time that he can already fire Ki blasts.
Don't be affraid to make a bigger chapter to show how Luna tries her best to hide Kale, or at least, discover his abilities as he grow up, even a little Great Ape incident.

You could have done some great things with a plot like this, i even think that Kale could have been a good help for Luna to not fall to the Nightmare, with Kale actually trying to supporting her, or crush her even more, knowing that even he, has to hide from her Night.
with no one else to turn to, She can't resist to the Nightmare, and to her downfall after fighting Celestia.

So for the next chapters, try to work on your pace, don't try to find some little details, to make a quick plot so he can immediately turn Super Saiyan, think your story out, i'm pretty sure you can do fine.

7018950 Thank you for the thoughts. The note was made BEFORE the prologue. He made it once he learned about Frieza's attack. After he wrote it he took Kale back from where they keep the saiyan children to prepare them to send them off planet. The reason his father didn't get in with him was because the pod would have locked down the door once it started launch, and since there were still soldiers after him he wouldn't be able to launch the pod with them around. And if he took the door down by force he would've broken it, causing the door to malfunction and not be able to keep the air trapped inside. And yes, with hiding for nine years, I did get lazy :twilightblush: Apologies about that. But from here on out, NOTHING will be rushed. I honestly wanted to just get these things out of the way, then get to the main stuff. He won't immediately go super saiyan, I'm saving that for laaaater! But thank you for the comment :twilightsmile: And I hope you continue to read

7018950 By the way, nice touch with the Team Four Star clip

7018975 Alright then
i hope you'll continue to write, and be careful about not rushing a story, even with a part you're not comfortable with, after all, it could make a nice training:twilightsmile:
and yeah i'm a fan of the Abridged version

So when is he gonna go Super Saiyan? And will he meet Goku and Vegeta in the future?

Those are spoilers! :ajsmug: not gonna give out any of those. He might, he might not

7018975 well you just gave away a spoiler by saying he will go ssj later not right away lol

KO awesome chapter, Kale is back can't wait to see the reunion of mother and son. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

I think I've read to many stories because a thousand words seems so short. Well with that out of the way, great chapter. It should- no- will be interesting to see what happens next. Can 't wait:pinkiehappy:

Awww a family reunion is coming. Quick question is someone from DBZ going to appear? You don't have tell me who just yes or no.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the support in this story! I honestly wasn't expecting such good feedback! I'll continue to make this story, happily too! I hope you guys continue to read this story and more! Hope you like it as it goes on!
As always,
Happy Reading!

7020492 Well, since you've placed the destruction of planet Vegeta 1,000 years in the past, we know there's no way he can meet any of the Z fighters. Unless you have an explanation for that.

KO awesome chapter, Kale and Luna united together and have some explanation to do to the others. Hope Kale will ready to fight this alien lord. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

Kale going to be a super saiyen, if you continue story super saiyen god

KO awesome chapter, Kale is welcome to Equestria let's just hope that he'll be strong enough to fight against Birzzk when he arrives. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

7048159 Well Buu and Piccolo are probably still alive, oh! and caterpy should by leaving his cocoon soon!

7117520 Super saiyan God requires the presence of others with saiyan blood about... So, while it is possible, however improbable, such a result would be a doubtful occurrence...

Oh god the cuteness it threatens to over take me!!

Also why the emphasis on check? Just seems kinda dumb.

HA! Kale said 'fuck you guys, i'm goin home!':rainbowlaugh:

Love the story so far.
P.s. SS4 way cooler than SSG (not stronger just cooler)

Well she it did say the letter had everything about the saiyen race and it was expressed earlier that Luna had her own love for combat. So it's not too far a stretch that she might want to train him.

Login or register to comment