• Member Since 26th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen March 31st

MidnightTwister


T
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Cloud has lived in the great Everfree Forest for as long as he can remember. He fishes, he hunts, he lives in an old Capsule Corporation spaceship, he trains, and he generally has a good time doing so! This is his nice and simple life, and he doesn’t really need anything else.

One day after some nice Saiyan style fishing, Cloud happens upon three young fillies named Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. They turn and run away from him, and Cloud goes about his daily life. However, he soon becomes excited about having an adventure in the world outside the forest and thus begins his journey!

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 61 )

Hey there!

I see that this is your first story, and it reads that way too! But that's not a bad thing. So I'm gonna give you some critisim, but I promise I'm going to be constructive about it. Any mistakes made are just a learning process.

Remember: We must all start at the beginning--there's no shame in that! (Sorry if this came off as full of myself :twilightblush:)

Deep within the Everfree Forest is a large clearing with a pond which shimmers under the sun. This pond is known by the local animals to be filled with many delicious fish of various sizes. Nearby Manticores, Timberwolves, and even Ursas come here for fish just about every day.

You open with a setting description. That's good. But you TOLD us what was happening. There's a classic line in fiction, "Show, don't tell." Instead of saying that all those creatures came there you could maybe have them around the pool or describe their tracks about the place. Your readers would understand.

Besides these animals, another single person comes to this pond for fish just about every day. This person is a teenage Saiyan boy, one Cloud. He’s lived in the Everfree Forest or a long time mind you, since he was only 4 years old. And 8 years of survival had made him incredibly strong, and you’re about to see just how much.

Telling us who Cloud is, is another example of this. Knightly once gave a great blog about writing crossovers. He said that regardless of how popular a show is (and Dragonball is about as popular as they come) you need to have some explanation about it--but we'll come to that in a bit.

Instead of saying "Hey, he's a Saiyan!" give us a visible description. Talk about his hair, his tail, and for how long he's been here give indicators rather than just say "Eight years". You could do that by describing where he's trained (what saiyan doesn't train?) and the various punch marks on the trees just get higher and higher and fresher and fresher.

That'd tell your readers everything they want to know, let them figure it out, and it'd come out cleaner. :twilightsmile:

“I don’t know how many times I passed you when I went fishing, but I’ve never heard you talk!” Cloud said. “So tell me, what’s your name?”Cloud asked, happy that after all these years he has someone to talk to.

The bush was silent.

“C’mon! Please?” Cloud begged on his knees with puppy-dog-eyes. “I promise I won’t be mean or pee in any other bush! I SWEAR!” Cloud pleaded.

The bush remained silent for a moment before finally speaking.

“Do you Pinkie Promise?” The bush asked in a tone much like a little girl’s. “Do you cross your heart, hope to fly, and stick a cupcake in your eye?” The bush asked, but in a different girl voice.

Cloud was a bit confused by the fact the bush had two different voices, and even more by the promise, but rolled with it since he didn’t want to risk losing a potential friend.

“I cross my heart, hope to fly, and stick a cupcake in my eye!” Cloud said, earning a sigh of relief from the bush. “So what’s your name?”

“U-u-uh, my name is, uhhh…” The bush began stammering before a third girl voice answered in a tomboyish tone. “Uh, Bushy McBushistein!”

“Bushy McBushistein?” Cloud repeated in confirmation. “That’s a cool name! My name’s Cloud!” Cloud said extending a hand for a handshake, but retracted sheepishly when he realized the bush didn’t have a hand to shake. But then the bush extended a bright yellow hoof to shake, which Cloud met with his own hand to shake. Then Cloud realized something.

Bushes… don’t have hooves…

Here's a great opportunity for several things. First, now's a great time to introduce your protagonist's name. The CMC would like to know, and he can tell them. One of the great things about having a character be ignorant is that then you can have a character tell things outright rather than just telling your readers what is. I like to call it the "Gourry Effect" after Gourry form Slayer as he was mostly stupid when things needed explaining. :derpytongue2:

Which brings us to the second part.

“Wait a second!” Cloud gasped. He pushed the leaves and branches apart and was met with three fillies. One was an Earth Pony with a yellow coat, a red mane and tail, and orange irises, another was a Unicorn that had a white coat, a purple and pink mane and tail, and green irises, and the last one was a Pegasus that had an orange coat, a purple mane and tail, and purple irises.

You have to consider whose your narrator. While you're using third person, it sounds like it's being told form Cloud's perspective. He wouldn't part the bush so much as lift Applebloom up :applecry:.

Second, if he's been here from such a young age, he might not know what they are. At least Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Have him notice and maybe get confused by them would be more realistic (as realistic as a Saiyan can get).

It'd also give the girls a chance to get away (Scootaloo's abilities would be great for that :scootangel:).

“I never even thought about trying to leave. But what if I could? There might be a whole world out there!!” Cloud exclaimed excitedly as he stood. “It’s decided! I’m gonna go out on an adventure! I’ll head into the direction they ran. Surely I’ll find a town or even a city!” Cloud said. He ran to the door, but forgot how exhausted he was and tripped from weak legs. Legs that also had weights on them still.

Having the hero just change his mind is a little weak for starting off a story. Good movement comes from motivation. Again, going back to Scootaloo, maybe have had Cloud unable to catch her, while he could normally keep up with anything else. He might want to learn how to move faster.

Also, this ties into progression of problems concept (not actual name but I forget what it is at the moment). Have Cloud maybe search books, watch recordings, or ask the computer. The only thing left is for him to leave his small world and venture out into the larger one. In order to fulfill this want/need he needs to give up something else. Gives him depth and motivation.

Lastly, if you want to follow the Hero's Journey path, you should have a threshold guardian. Someone(thing) that warns him not to go. He can come back, but he'll never be the same again (computer warning him not to leave its range of aid?).

Hope this helps and I hope to read more soon! :trollestia:

8048385 Thanks for the criticism Wacky! To tell the truth, this isn't my first story (or my first time telling this story, I've rewritten a lot unfortunately:facehoof:), but I am pretty amateurish. I'll try to keep in mind everything you said for the next couple of chapters (and onward). Later on in the future I may rewrite this first chapter, or any others if I need to, so everything flows better. Again, thanks for the comment and criticism, I can't tell you how much I needed something like this to spur me forward. You've got a new follower!:twilightsmile:

OK good start. One question though, how did Cloud get to Equestrian? Also, how is he related to Goku?

8048561 Don't worry, everything will be revealed in due time, I just didn't want to throw everything in everyone's faces right off the bat.:rainbowdetermined2:

If Cloud is a Saiyan, then shouldn't he be named after a vegetable?

8048492 New follower?...yay! A new member of "Cult Wacky"! I hope you enjoy the robes and eating nothing but sauerkraut! I know you had a lot of choices on whom to follow--and you choose wrong... :twilightoops:

But in all seriousness, Don't Worry! You're average writer has to rewrite something like ten times before it's finished. There are many writers on this sight that go back and rewrite nearly their entire story once they realize they want to change something. And the readers are left waiting a long time just to get back to where they left off... :twilightangry2:

NEVER be afraid to ask for help. In the book The War of Art talks a lot about this. Very few works of creativity are truly done by one person. If you have questions, ask. Just be mindful of what the person says, feel free to ask clarifying questions, and don't argue about their advice until your try it. If you follow those three rules, most people will give you free help forever. :twilightsmile:

8048595 Good thing to do--stories take time to read, and we like learning as we go.

Have fun writing and I hope to read more soon!

8048759 Not necessarily--full-blooded saiyans yes, but any half-breeds usually follow their earth parent's naming mechanism. We must wait...(but just in case it changes, here's a link to a bunch of vegetables...).

8048595
I get it, thanks for pointing that out and I think you have left behind a few hints so I just have to wait to see if my predictions are going to be true.

8048822 you know, I wish I could say more than just thanks, but...

Thanks:twilightsmile:

The descendent of Son Goku? On a planet of ponies? This is a strange concept, yet it has so much potential! How did Cloud end up there? WHY was he sent there? The mystery!!

I am sooo following this!

8056421 thanks :pinkiehappy:! Hopefully the next episode is up by tomorrow!

Oh, a third time this story about Cloud comes back.

I remember when...

Cloud was a demi-god
Cloud had a wolf tail
Cloud was raised by timberwolves
Cloud, while still alive, went to otherworld to train with the z-fighters
Cloud had a god as a enemy, even though he's 10.
Cloud was a kid, the entire time.
Cloud was adopted by alicorns (if I recall?)
The alicorn princessess knew about Goku
Cloud made 'friends' with the mane six
Cloud couldn't speak english at first (cause raised by timberwolves!)
Cloud has UNLIMITED potential for some reason or another.

Oh, you stole my Saga title ideas, HOW COULD YOU! Nah, it's okay, it makes me glad that Saiyan of Equestria has inspired so many DBZ crossover stories like your own. (It ain't the number 1 DBZ crossover on fimfiction for nothing after all.)

It seems that you've moved away from gary stu Cloud, but there's so little content to make a good review right now, maybe I'll give you one after a few more chapters. Until then, I'll watch and fav to keep up to date!

8060156 Yeah, I remember those, too :twilightblush:, really don't know what I was thinking looking back. Anyways, out of all those things you listed, only about two may come back, but nothing too Gary Stuey (it was never my intention to make Cloud a Gary Stu but hey, live and learn right?). To be honest, I'm trying to stick to the very first and original version I wanted but with the needed revisions.

Me again. Gonna point out a few criticisms and will try to make them constructive.

“Geez, just how big is this forest?” Cloud asked to no one in particular. He had left home quite a while ago, and was still trying to leave the forest. “At least I finally got to the brighter part.” Cloud continued, looking to the sun shining through the leaves.

Using Cloud's name a lot in this chapter. We know who he is, as he's the only character until the manticore shows up.

Try and mix up some synonyms in it. Like "Saiyan Boy", "Young Saiyan", "the Kid", or the like. You also don't have to use a noun all the time, especially when he talks. There's no one else there so your readers won't get confused leaving anything off at the end of sentence.

The other side of the stream was more or less the same as the side Cloud was previously on, only there were more trees, some of which were covered in strong vines and some of which were very tall, and manticore paw prints were covering a part of the ground and then going off in the direction towards the sun.

You should leave out the bit about the manticore paw prints and where they were heading off it. The direction is completely irrelivent as long as the animal isn't present or going to a place that's established; i.e. "towards Ponyville" or "off to Zecora's hutt". This helps to stream line the work and the reader won't feel like they're trudging threw anything to get to the good bits.

Second, you don't need to say they're manticore prints at all; best to just say "animal tracks" or the like. The viewer hasn't seen the animal yet and this will give the work surprise. Use the unknown to build suspense for those moments of excitement you want. Having your audience discover it's a manticore is much, more fun for them.

“Tada! Now I have a catapult!” Cloud cheered, his hands placed on his waist proudly.

Cloud's an uneducated kid that's been living alone for a long time. He shouldn't know what a catapult is. Having him call it, "A 'me-thrower'!" or the like helps reaffirm this and cements your story.

Cloud turned to see the hungry Manticore and smiled. “Hiya! What’s your name?” Cloud said, walking towards the beast and extending a hand for a handshake.

Mixed reactions to this; Cloud's only encountered talking animals (to him) once, and that was recently. Rather than casually thinking that a manticore can talk he should be more incline to ask if it could. Pointing at it seems logical (from his stand point) and the animal can swipe at him just the same.

This isn't a bad story, just feels rough around the edges. It think you can make it work and have a great tale to tell.

8208745

Thanks again for the help, Wacky :pinkiehappy:! I'll try to keep in mind all you said when I write episode 4 and onward. Have a good morn-day-evening :twilightsmile:!

8208745
By the way, did you read episodes 3 and 4? Just wondering what your thoughts on them are because it seemed you were talking about episode 2 in your previous post. I'm not tryin to be rude or pushy or anything, if you got something else to do, that's fine. As I said, I'm just curious if you read episodes 3 and 4. In any case, have a splendid day!

please update soooooon! I love this story!

8218475
Thanks for the comment! I'll try to update as soon as possible (hopefully by friday):pinkiehappy:

8208837
You're welcome! And you too! 🐈

What does the TX in Dragon Ball TX stand for?

8233057

I'll be honest, I just chose T because it was in my name and I liked the letter X :twilightblush:! I came up with it when I was in 6th grade, now I'm gonna be a senior in high school. Man I feel old...

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story, more episodes are just around the corner!

Cool story so what happen to his tail and are u going to give him super sayian form like trunks and gotens

8237334
Thanks for the comment! As for your questions, I'm afraid I can't answer them, at least not yet :derpytongue2:... In any case, I wish you good health and a good morn-day-evening :rainbowdetermined2:!

Not bad, I especially like the bit of the colt with the harmonica.

One thing though, and I might have missed it, but did you explain what an "Orah" was? Didn't know what to think of them. I knew you had mentioned "Saurian" earlier, but that lacked an explanation either. (I was assuming lizard people.)

But overall your writing style is heading in the right direction. :twilightsmile:

8244812

I apologize if the description of the Saurian bros. was a little off, I'll fix that later, but here's (hopefully) a better explanation: Saurians are a Reptile-humanoid race that consist of various subspecies, but for now what we get are two brothers, one a Lizard and the other a Crocodile. The lizard (little brother) is named Ghid, and the croc (older brother) is named Orah. You might pick this up, but their names are a reference to the Godzilla villain, King Ghidorah! Yeah, I'm a big nerd...

But that aside, thanks for comment and compliment! Much appreciated :twilightsmile:!

8214675
Sorry for not responding sooner, the site didn't notify me of your response. :derpytongue2:

But the reason that I didn't post for those chapters (which I did read) is that I didn't have anything to comment on. You're growing with your style and I'll give you a little nudge where it's needed. If I do it all the time it'd end up being my story rather than yours .

It's one of the things they warn you about in editting. Too easy to hijack other people's work.

8250321 Silly site and notifications issues :derpytongue2: ! Also I'd have responded sooner as well, but I was at home and I don't have teh internet, so I have to go to the library, which is always fun to be honest! But I digress.

Thanks a lot, you've been a big help and I'm very thankful! I'm still experimenting with my 'style' so it may change a little every now and then. I'm trying to find what works best for me and the story.

Also, new episode coming out today, just gotta edit a little!

8262209
Nothing wrong with that man. You always have to grow as an artist. To quote Shawn Coyne, author of The Story Grid, "You've only mastered a style, once you've out grown it..."

After an intense beat down, Orah gathered his senses as best as he could and raised his fists above his head.

Really didn't need to tell us that it was an intense beat down, we sawread it happen.

Everyone looked up to see a hole form in the rocky ceiling, a golden light shining down from above. Down came Princess Celestia, and she was not happy!

“Don’t you dare even think about hurting my little ponies!” She roared.

Probably didn't need the "she was not happy!" bit; we all know that. It can go unsaid. :trollestia:

Also, her dialogue didn't sound like Celestia. Writing for establish characters can be hard. I've read works where all the characters sounded exactly the same. In Shakespeare's plays, you can actually tell which character is speaking based solely on their dialogue. Everyone has a unique speech-pattern and attitude with it.

When writing, I'd recommend write the piece as you would normally, but once finished go back and read established characters' dialogue. See if it matches what happens in the show. That'll help a lot.

Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

This story has become quite comedic if I do say so myself. :rainbowlaugh:

8332163 Thanks :pinkiehappy:! I really want the story to be fun, enjoyable, and overall kinda lighthearted, though that isn't to say that I don't intend to have some deep moments in the future.

8566661
Not bad. Your style still needs a little polishing though.

This room was occupied by none other than our hero, Cloud, who slept soundly on a white hospital bed.

Don't need to call him "our hero"; he's the protagonist. We already know he's important. :raritywink:

Cloud was snoring soundly in peace when his nose twitched a little. After a second, his nose twitched again, and then-

"ACHOOO!"

A better way to approach a sentence like that would be to describe the snoring and how peaceful he was, rather than just saying it.

Something like: "The figure snored, sprawled out on the bed. A little smile and closed eyes were the only expression on his face..."

That wouldn't tell the reader that he's asleep (well the snoring part would but that's hard to describe without going at it for a while :twilightsheepish:) without out-right saying it. It's all part of the idea of "show don't tell". Your readers are smart. Trust them to figure it out.

You have a great progression of events. Rather than weighted clothing just being there for Cloud to find, Rarity made them. That helps to involve her in the story too, and for believable reasons. I would have put the description of her explaining the clothes and needing Big Mac to carry them before cloud found them though. That'd be another great moment to let your readers figure something out and you wouldn't even have to have anyone comment on the weight.

We all know Big Mac is strong, and the need for him there means something was heavy.:raritystarry: :eeyup:

You're showing great progress and I hope to read more soon! :twilightsmile:

8567420 Thanks man! Now, I’ll admit, I was away from the story for a while because of school and video games, so I feel that had a small impact on my style. But judging by your comment, it seems I did fine for the most part (though I could still do a little better). Hopefully the next episode is out soon (maybe Friday)! And I’ll be sure to try and improve!

8567434
Hey man, you've been heading in the right direction. We all have to put in time and effort to get really good at anything; no exceptions to that.

cloud will learn at some point the kamehameha ?

8633948 Maybe, but it may take a while. He still needs to learn Ki.

Lol, that oven must have caught on fire.

After signing Cloud out of the hospital, our hero and his friends made their way to Sweet Apple Acres, home to none other than Applejack and the sweetest apples you've ever tasted!

This is all stuff your readers know; rather than tell us that Applejack lives there and the apples are tasty, show us that. Cloud could be introduced to the family (always good for a bit), be given an apple, ask if it's food (classic Goku scenario) and discover that he loves apples. When Granny Smith says he's an honorary Apple, even better.

"After we're done at Sweet Apple Acres, Cloud, I'd like to run some more tests on you, mainly to find out how strong you are and why you're so strong!"

That's just redundant.

"Don't worry, Cloud! They're all fine!" Rarity said in a reassuring tone.

Cloud calmed down a little. "... Are you sure?"

Good spot to help show Cloud's naivita through speech. Rather than a proper, full sentence, you should go with something shorter and simplier. Like, "you sure?..."

In Shakespeare, you can tell which character in a play is speaking due to their speech patterns and background. Falstaff, though little more than a drunkard and a cower, always speaks in proper prose as he was knighted. Henry the V doesn't until he is crowned and must take up the mantle of England.

It helps lend credibility to your work.

"Alright then, let's get going to Squee Appa Aiks!"

See, that right there works well for Cloud.

"Sure, I'll help out!" He answered. "But what exactly is apple bucking?"

"Yo'll jus' be goin' ta each an' every tree, hittin' 'em, an' catchin' the apples with a bucket as they fall."

Not bad, but you have to be a little more original with introducing apple bucking. Your readers will all know what that already is. Rather than make a scene of it, it's better to explain it away in one sentence, and then by someone else. Good spot for Rarity and Twilight to talk as minor descriptions of Cloud trying to apple buck in the back ground go on. Could even be used to mirror the conversation for added emphasis.

"Yep! It's that way!" AJ answered. She pointed in the right direction, to an area further into the orchard where the trees were thicker. "Jus' keep goin' in that direction, yo'll get there eventually."

I'd cut out the "right direction" part. Too much certainty given to the reader. Until Cloud gets there, no one (especially us or him) knows if it's the right way. Better to give only as much as we could possibly see. Applejack points and describes the area her hoof was pointed at.

"Thanks! I'll see you and everypony else later!"

Cloud's never been with ponies before. He'd use the common "everyone" until he became use to it.

He pressed a button and the display read 2G. He presses the button again, and the number went higher. "I think the higher the number, the higher and more intense the level is..." He looked around and thought to himself for a second. He looked back to the console. "Only one way to figure it all out, I guess."
...
And a 'couple more minutes' flew by - 5 minutes to be exact! They were surprisingly the longest 5 minutes of his life, but at least they were up.

Too exact. No one follows life knowing exact number of minutes of things without a clock nearby, and then only if we paid attention to it before and after the event.

Again, Cloud is thinking too analytically for someone raised by himself. The Computer might be smart, but unless it was a fully formed AI with the intent to teach Could shouldn't be.

He then got down low to do push ups and started counting. "1! 2! 3! 4!" and then he got to "13! 14! 15... I really need Twilight to teach me..." He once again went for another very long 5 minutes of push ups under 10x normal gravity. Afterwards, he moved onto 5 minutes of crunches.

Cloud was currently laying on the floor, breathing heavily and sweating profusely, but was overall fine. "GrrrrrrAAH!" He yelled as he got up to his feet. He inhaled and exhaled deeply and got into a crude fighting stance.

I've never seen anyone make exercising read in an interesting way. I'd just skip it, or no more than one line. Things that happen while exercising can be interesting, but just saying someone is doesn't hold attention.

He visualized an opponent...

I don't think this works. I wish I had something more intellegent to say on the subject, but Cloud fighting an imaginary croc he's named doesn't strike me as believable. If this had been part of the story earlier--him having made-up battles--it'd fit better. But by it's lonesome it comes off as falling flat.

The teenager grabbed at his stomach and winced in discomfort. "Hahaha! Fine, I'll get you some real food and not just a couple of apples this time!"

Contradicts how he felt about the apples--and what you wrote--earlier. Him being hungry does fit his character type. Just needs a little rewriting.

"Where is that smell coming from?" Following his heightened Saiyan sense of smell, Cloud followed the odor all the way to the kitchen area, and straight to the oven. "Why do I feel like I forgot something?"

He stared blankly at the oven and grabbed the handle. "Well, here goes nothing." He opened the oven door and was met with a great blaze to the face! "AAAAAAHHH!" He screamed in surprise as the fire enveloped his head.

Just as quickly as it happened, the fire died down. Like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon, Cloud's face was black from a bunch of soot and his eyes were as wide as plates.

I honestly don't remember him cooking anything, but as all fanfics seem to go, it's often a long time between updates so that's entirely possible. But never, ever reference another work to describe your own. You're better than that. Tom and Jerry don't exist in this cross over. Best to leave them, and everyone else, out of it.

Then it hit him. "That's right! Before I left the forest, I caught some fish, chopped them up and put them in the oven!"

And said fish had been cooking for three days...

Good to know. Again I had forgotten. That helps tie it all together.

Good progress. Hope to read more soon.

8639597 Hello, sorry I didn't reply sooner, for whatever reason I wasn't notified (or maybe I was and just didn't catch it). :twilightblush:

I'd also like to apologize if my writing in this episode is especially poor. I was honestly just writing however I felt and and also trying to write as fast as possible to try and get more episodes out (especially since Christmas break is almost over) :facehoof:. In any case, I take what you've taught me to heart and I'll be sure to try and put forth a real effort into making the next episode better before I come back to fix this one up! :twilightsmile:

8645206
No problem man. All you can do is move forward. I'm enjoying the story. Keep up the good work. You are improving, I assure you.

Liking the new cover that you made for your story.

Really love this story. It's super funny and it gets rid of my bad days. You did great. Now I got a question since Cloud don't know who he is will he know sooner or will Twilight does some testing on him. Even will he be one super sayian. And also will he get his tail too. Because when I look at your story cover I see a silver tail, MidnightTwister.

8731320 I really warms me up inside that my story cheers you up so much :twilightblush:! Now, about your questions, I would answer them right here and now, but they’re actually pretty important and I’d like everyone to know. So I’m gonna try and tell everyone through a blog that I will provide a link to in the next episode so everyone can check it out. In the meantime, see ya later! :ajsmug:

Hey Midnight Twister what happened to the story. This story is getting good and I want more!

8990981 Don't worry! I'm working very hard on it! I just had to put it on somewhat of a hiatus because of school and graduation, but now I'm officially back! The new episode should be up later today or tomorrow at the latest! :pinkiehappy:

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