- Member Since 4th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
Time Reaper
Greetings from Venezuela, I don't expect to do much here, I just got a few stories in my head and wanted write them here, I hope you like them. I take Commissions and can get Ko-Fi donations.
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Beautiful. Super super awesome and beautiful.
And it might even be good enough to get into the feature box.
eh.
from my experience, the PiRL theme is very interesting... in theory. because of how many different societies authors can come from, the environmental setting has a potential to be extremely diverse in each one. But just like the former HiE genre, it also leads itself to be hard to write without being cheesy.
we all know that just because theirs a lot, doesn't always mean their all bad.
great story and all the more power to you!
Well, this is such an interesting start.
Hmm, maybe it's just me, but the reaction to randomly have someone falling from the sky would've merit more reaction than what was shown. But well, the actual reaction is not impossible either, I'd guess.
Maybe it's one of those things you need to actually witness in person.A good start. Now I'm curious how she will react. Will wait for more.
7375724
7375787
I will admit that the reaction from the people was poorly executed, but I also had to find a way to make sure that the main human character would take her with him without being either suspicious (if you find somebody in the streets you will leave it in the streets, it's really unsafe today) and falling in front of him was the only way I could think off, I still would have prefered a better reaction, but this was the best I could create.
7375664
Thank you, I really hope it gets featured.
7375877 Omg I really really hope it totally does.
Need an editor?
Also in your reply to someone else you said
Does this happen often? People being on the streets? And why is it really unsafe.
You hate your country do you?
7376179
What I try to say is that you can't trust anyone in the streets, criminals can fake innocence (or any type of way to lower your defenses) and steal you or your family (example: They ask your phone because his phone is dead and then they use your phone, while away from you, to call your family and claim that you've been abducted and they must pay the ransom. Your family got stolen and you were the one who helped them. Stuff like that).
The main problem is that the authorities doesn't work here (either because they don't want to, their bosses doesn't allow them or because if they do their job they may get fired), neither the Justice system. But I'm still hoping that it will be fixed soon.
7376288
Nope, I love my country but I despise the ones in the government since they have destroyed the nation.
7377714 Well that is a completely horrible situation.
I hope it gets better soon. 
How come some people there are so evil?
7377997
That's a question which answer I prefer to not search for (at least, not yet).
7378162 I feel the same way.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/dont-hug-me-im-scared/images/3/3b/Great_news.gif/revision/latest?cb=20151016234920
7378745 Yeah we're pretty much f*cked up here :(
7377714 welcome to the 3rd world commoner club then
7378773 I hope it gets better.
7377714 Interesting. Twilight Sparkle will have to take care.
This is cool I like it
7801968
Thank you.
You have initiated a summoning ritual and I have come young wraith. You might regret playing with the forces you do not understand.
Wait, why does this fiction have no so many dislikes and yet no proper comment about why it is bad? It is an alienating premise but that just means you should avoid and not done vote? Ok I am done arguing with imaginary strawmans. Now to tackle this chapter.
First thing, your descriptions are too long winded and are made out of far too big complex sentences that could have honestly been several simple sentences. You should have moderate mix of simple sentences and long ones but not extreme of either. Readers have limited patience and will not like to spend so much time reading descriptions that at the times sound too detailed. You also need a proofreader to hunt down grammar mistakes. And sorry I am not going to hunt them down, sadly I do not have time and I am not confident in myself to get them all.
A specif bit that caught my mind:
You don't need to convey same information twice. Either say she saw strange creatures and let her describe them or describe creatures in prose but make Twilight express shock. Dialog feels rather too expository for me and not natural because characters are very detailed about their intentions verbally.
Also while it is nice that you introduce Twilight it feels like a long exposition that most readers will already be familiar with. The human character introduction is silly. First you do not need to be so mathematical when introducing character, that is just silly. Also minor point but plenty of readers are Americans and have no idea how metric system works.
As for story I don't have much to say because this is just an intro. I do think that you made Venezuela seem a bit silly because we have biker casually killing a guy. Now I do not doubt that this actually happens but it was random and people just stood there till he was gone and then they just returned to doing what they did. I kinda expect that people would ignore the naked girl, minding their own business and after the murder they would get away far from the body because they don't want to get involved.
Also bit minor but don't see why you had to translate Bellas Artes. Unless you thought that someone would think it means War Art, because Bellum means war in Latin?
Overall lesson of the day is "Less is More" and "Show, don't tell" as you have habit pointing out everything. I can't say I liked it so far.
8063172
You're points have been noted but regarding making Venezuela look silly, I will tell you that I'm trying a writing genre called "Magic Realism" that's very prominent in Latin America that (in short words) consist in telling the marvelous of reality.
That gunshot is a reality, but is so out of reality that it looks silly, Magic Realism, and this story will be told that way, the best way to tell the reality without getting too boring or generic (and entertaining people).
Oh Twilight, not letting the language barrier try to stop her from reading a book. Wish I could have that dedication/patience, heh.
8063172 all your points were onspot, even though here in Venezuela, people MOSTLY ignore bodies but all it takes is one person to help, and everyone goes to help aswell.
Oye hombre, estas bien? Las cosas en Caracas estan intensas
8211945
Si, estoy bien. La GNB está aquí abajo asegurándose de que nadie haga un plantón pero no ha pasado nada en donde vivo.
Arepas, huh. So it's basically stuffed cornbread, or something like that? Hmm...
Heh, I certainly look forward to see Twilight's reaction to all those books. Though she's certainly in for a ride with that specific one.
Ah, the ever present problem of legal identity. Maybe I haven't searched enough and in the right places, but it's not something I've seen used a lot when it comes to these types of stories. Well, will be interesting how they deal with that. Or whether it does become an issue later on.
8373844
Las arepas son arena de maíz mezclada con agua (hay más detrás de la mezcla pero desconozco la receta) que luego es colocada en una plancha y cocerlas hasta que la corteza se haga (mientras que el relleno se forma una masa suave) y es, básicamente, comida nacional (que no te engañen los colombianos, esa comida es de acá). La marca "Harina P.A.N." (de Empresas Polar) es harina de maíz hecha específicamente para hacer arepas y es la más reconocida y respetada en Venezuela.
Oh, pienso usar los libros, mi temor es tratar de usar libros que no he leído (Las Guerras Mundiales).
Alright, so for the review I promised you.
First, the plot. There isn’t really that much happening, but all in all, it is clear why the mishap happened and I have to say, the scene with her appearing in the human world is hilarious at first, then rather mysterious and terrifying. I also like the critical bit about people just staring and hoping that someone else would help. Plot-wise, no problem.
Second, descriptions and formating. As others already pointed out, you are using very long sentences, just look at the beginning or the extremely long one where you describe the young man. The reason might be that you want to fit there as many information as possible, or you simply want to be poetic. It works from time to time, for example in the part where you are describing Twilight’s abilities. However, most of the time, it leads to the reader getting lost or confused and having to read the sentence again, which, in turn, can annoy them to the point of closing the story and never returning. Long sentences are also more prone to containing some grammatical errors. Also, try to avoid using too much information, the story needs to move forward at moderate pace and descriptions are slowing it down considerably.
Furthermore, long sentences also result in block-of-text-like paragraphs. Those are very hard to eyes and this comment rather suffers from the same. So, try spliting both the sentences and paragraphs into smaller chunks.
And last, you have to decide how much the reader does know about the world. So far, it was rather unbalanced. You are explaining quite in detail what a cutie mark is, but at the same time, you are mentioning Sombra like everybody knows who that is. For your rewrite, I suggest sticking to the latter option.
Third, parentheses and numerals. Both of these have one thing in common; they look differently than normal letters and thus attract unwanted attention (i.e. the readers unconsciously pays more mind to them than to the story itself). Parentheses, the little () thingies I just used, are often used in textbooks or manuals, but they have no place in beletry, the only exception being an occasional note in epistolary first person POV narrative. They can be either replaced by commas or em dashes, or their contents can be incorporated into the text itself as another sentence. Just remember that parentheses are a big no-no.
As for numerals, such as 1, 12 or 42, they shouldn’t be used either, especially not in dialogue. Write the numbers using words. Exception to this rule are dates, some comes and names (DJ Pon-3) and sometimes very big numbers.
Fourth, direct speech. So, you do most of it right, but there are still some details that require polishing. So, remember that the punctuation marks (both commas and periods) are always inside the quotation marks, not outside. Correctly, it looks like this:
Notice the position of the comma.
Next, when the speaking tag precedes the speech itself, it is always in the same paragraph. Also, colon (:) is never used in English direct speech, comma has to be in its place. The correct form looks like this:
Notice that both the tag and the speech itself are on the same line, separated only by a comma and a single space.
Also, the speaking and non-speaking tags were mixed up a few times, so just a quick explanation:
When there is a speaking action present in the dialogue tag (said, replied, asked, commented etc.), the tag starts with lowercase letter (except for proper nouns and I). However, direct speech in such case cannot end with a period. A comma has to be in its place. (Question and exclamation marks, as well as ellipses, are alright there as well.) On the other hand, when the tag contains a non-speaking action (nodded, blushed, sighed etc.), the tag has to start with an uppercase letter and the direct speech cannot end with a comma. Period or other punctuation mark has to be there.
Fifth, the rest of grammar and spelling. So, now just a little bit about verbs. A recurring issue was some slight confusion in the use of the verb be (was/were) between singular and plural forms.
Furthermore, you were continuously using “double past” forms such as didn’t wanted. That’s nonsense in English. Remember that the past tense is already contained in the “did” word, so the other one ought to be in infinite form. Thus, the correct form is didn’t want.
Next, there were mixed its/it’s multiple times. Remember that its means belonging to it. It’s is the abbreviated form of it is. There were also many random errors or incorrectly used words, but I don’t think listing them here would be all that useful. If you wish, you can provide me with a GDoc version and I will mark them here.
And that’s all I wanted to say. Was everything clear? Do you have any additional questions?
I have to admit, the story itself caught my eye and I want to see how this will continue. So, expect to see more of my, albeit far shorter, comments about the next chapters.
8661267
Thank you very much, I'll keep this for when the time comes to rewrite it.
8661300
You are welcome, I hope it will be a good guide to you.