Number 2 on Equestria's Most Wanted list: Rayleigh Redwood has been captured. Or did he turn himself in? Redwood arrives in Canterlot with urgent news regarding Twilight Sparkle. It turns out a bounty has been placed on her head and the first criminal to claim it gets a kings ransom. How will this development affect Twilight? What about her friends who are caught in the crossfire? Who knows, but one thing is for sure. Redwood is not all that he seems.
Gore tag is there because there will be some dark moments and blood.
The Blacklist is owned by John Bokenkamp and NBC
Chapters (8)
I must say that I like the concept. The Blacklist in a fantasy setting. I also appreciate that it's not a point-for-point retread of the show, too. That being said, there's a couple issues. The use of "con man" instead of con mare, con artist, or con pony strikes me as odd. You also have a handful of misspelled words, apostrophe misusage, and your/you're confusion (you misuse both at least once each).
My biggest is probably not-Reddington's name. I can appreciate using a different name, but "Rayleigh Redwood" sounds off. Maybe it's because they don't sound like they'd go together, or because it's four syllables to Reddington's five. More egregiously, it doesn't sound like a pony name. I know Babs Seed is canon, but something more lore-appropriate would be nice. I'd probably go back to the drawing board on that.
That being said, I still love this. I like your take on the "why is he interested in the co-protagonist", especially since the original wouldn't really work. Maybe have an editor do a pass-over for errors. Keep up the good work!
You're probably right about an editor. I know that I can be pretty sloppy. I'm sorry to hear you didn't like the name since I was pretty proud of it myself. I know most ponies' names are either actions objects or professions, however there is one major fan favorite in the show that has a human name. Trixie. Besides that you make some good points. I currently don't have an editor since I'm a very eclectic writer and would probably not work well with their schedules. I will try to keep an eye out for the use of terms like "man" since I really fumbled on that one. This is a story that's been rattling around on my desktop for a while though and I'm glad you gave it a shot!
6852546 For the record, a person isn't notified of a response to a comment unless you actually quote it, like I've just done; I noticed you replied by pure chance.
I will grant that the occasional human or human-esque name gets through, but at least "Trixie" is appropriate for an illusionist. She also has the last name "Lulamoon" (some bits of merchandise, credits for the movies), though the precise validity of that isn't clear.
Anyways, it's not so much that it's a human name, it's more that it's one that doesn't seem to really fit the universe. I feel that a name should at least be fitting for the character. Babs Seed is/was a bad seed. Who names their child that is a question I've always been confused over, but not really material. It doesn't even have to be obvious. Take Dr. Caballeron:
Trenderhoof is one that works well on multiple levels. He's a trendsetter, which is the obvious connection, but it's also a play on the phrase "tenderfoot":
Now, I admit I'm going off of Reddington's personality here, since we haven't seen too much of Redwood yet, but I just can't see how "Rayleigh" in any of its forms (the unit, the people, the character) would really fit. I did actually check before posting, incidentally. Redwood's more broad, so I really can't say if that's fitting. How last names work in the MLP universe is also really murky, too, so it has a lot more leeway but less significance.
In any event, you are of course under no obligation to change anything. You are the writer, and if you like it, you should keep it. I do apologize for the mini-essay I wrote; I got a bit carried away there. XD
I suppose while I'm mentioning things that bug me, the title irks me a little. A hitlist is a list of people to kill, and Redwood doesn't seem to be doing that. That being said, it's pretty close to "Blacklist" without being exact, and I can't think of anything better, so make of that what you will.
Also, regarding editing, yours is still a rather competently-written story. Your errors are more of the occasional "slipped the proof-reading" kind, as opposed to "fundamental misunderstanding" kind. I do use the word "editor" as a catch-all, but there are differences between them, pre-readers, and proofreaders. Also, there's a lot of people who are willing to do editing, if you just ask, and you don't need to restrict yourself to just one. There's groups on FiMFiction you can ask; here's a couple of them.
6856938
Thanks again for the link and advice. While I appreciate all criticism I think I'm going to stick with the name I have now. Research the name Rayleigh and you'll find its connected to several scientific discoverers and mathmeticians. The character I'm creating in Redwood is extremely intelligent as well as being strong. I already have an episode in mind that reveals his cutie mark and backstory. While it may not be a perfect name, even you should admit that it's hard to come up with horse related names or puns. Hello I scrolled over every bit of an equestrian journal just to get some names for different countries, yet I still end up putting "mare" in most of them. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story later on and I will look in those editing groups.
6857671
For the love of all that is holy, don't put in puns for the sake of having puns, especially in swearing. It's a terrible idea. There's nothing wrong with playing it straight, and saying 'buck' instead of 'fuck' just looks ridiculous. Terms like con man are already understood words the readers understand and changing such things to puns is appealing to the lowest denominator.
Care to tell me more about The Blacklist?
6990515
So in case you haven't seen the show. It's about a young FBI profiler named Elizabeth Keane who gets swept up into a vast network of conspiracies by an ex- high ranking US Navy officer turned criminal named Raymond Reddington. The story mostly focuses episode to episode with the two main characters working together to bring down super intelligent criminals that even the FBI had no leads on. Reddington serves as Elizabeth's CI (Confidential Informant) having basically released himself to her custody and the FBI's. The mystery stems from his reasons for doing so and what his relationship with her is.
In all honesty, I haven't seen The Hitlist nor am I too interested with those crime/mystery series aside from Sherlock Holmes in all its instances (SH movies, Elementary). What got me interested is the fact that this story hay 100k words and yet only 10 total up-/downvotes.
7167823
You sir are a man after my own heart! That bugs me all the time
Ah. Fancypants. Truly an underused character.
I am pleased there's no Keen. Don't turn Twilight into Keen.
7552326
I have no plans to do anything of the sort!
I wish I could come back to this story soon but current circumstances might just have me put it on hiatus for the time being. Might come back early next year though.