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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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At the end... way to go, Twily...
Good chapter!
6927566 I just saw everyone in the room staring at her with a WTF look on their faces as she stands there smiling with two blades draw after sending the best unarmed fighter to the infirmary.
also wanted them to have an example of just how ill prepared they are for what may or may not come.
Saw the title and I was like. Oh Boy some guards are going to be schooled.
6927597 yes yes he was. and I got to show more of her cybernetic abilities.
Just think what would have happened had that guard faced Mendez
6927601 technicolor fur
6927603 eh? I'm not understanding good sir.
6927604 Two words. Paint Ball
I would have thought Cadence would have read Twi's body language. Out of all the Twilights in Fimfiction, I'd say that SOM! Twilight is waay darker than Assassinverse! Twilight. She'd be astronomically stronger than her canon self, but would probably be equal to Twilight from the Tats multiverse.
6927611
Or the guard is down with a broken leg, and Mendez says : "MEDIC!"
You're just CRANKING these out. Nice chapter. Be sure to have Two tell Shiny and Cadence her story story over dinner.
6927751
If the author writes that, Twi will surely 'forget' the part where she singsongs while sniping from her cloud, and the part where she releases her frustration on a Fed patrol... and the part where she imagines herself crushing Feds' skulls with her hooves.
6927763 I was thinking more of her times in the labs......
6927570
Will we see a Twilight (with hoofswords) VS Celestia or Luna (with magical swords) spar?
6927728
Starship Troopers. ;)
Badass twilight is badass.
6927244
Or, she flies, under cloud cover, over a Fed base, a crowded one, and drops a Want It Need It spelled bag in the middle. She looks down with her grin as things start going nuts. "Oopsies!"
[Insert Jokemare laugh here]
6927770 that may be an interesting bonus chapter just cause I think only the Royal Sisters are really a threat to her.
6927763 I see the game is still going strong in this story.
6927751 It's amazing what can happens when a writing frenzy takes hold of an author.
By the throne...
6928282 I'm surprised anything in this story surprises you at this point.
6928347 It just that the way she took that guy down, makes you wonder just how badly that War affected her...
6928353 all she did was put him in his place. This was an educational fight as he said just he didn't know he'd be the one getting school.
but honestly she's used to fighting well trained soldier that know how to actually fight with full intention of killing their opponent.
Holy fuck, get this edited. I stopped reading properly halfway through and just skimmed... Seriously. I knew folks in high school who were in remedial classes for English that had a better grasp of spelling.
6928395 ran it through a spell check, if it missed anything then I have to assume it's spelled correct.
and I prefer getting them out first then loading the edited version later.
6928374
Now I wonder if these steel hooves enhance Twilight's strength? Could she beat Rainbow on hoofwrestling? Big Mac? Bulk Biceps?
Her magic wrapped
Off the scars
Tensing error. Also a very awkward sentence. Try "She said as Gale glared at her. Tapping her hooves together made a rather distinct metallic sound"
This paragraph is very awkward. We don't need to know the two extra name drops here. Inhibitor is misspelled, you added an S to friend when you're talking about only one pony there. We all know what an inhibitor does, so you don't really need "so she couldn't use magic at all" in there.
Needs a comma. You did it right last paragraph.
Just the one?
That's a run on. Separate it into three sentences. Also... "Twilly easily dodging Gale's stroked..." Misused word there. "Easily dodging gale's stroke" is what it should be, and even then Strike is a better word here. If should be In.
Two and's in a sentence is not a good thing. "Gale growled in frustration as he threw another punch. Twily just side stepped, that same bored expression on her face." would be much better. Heck, take out that second "and" and replace it with a semi-colon.
By this point, you'll need to put Shining's name in again. Last few paragraphs have mentioned Gale more than they have Shining. Its easy to assume that, from the first sentence, Gale is the main subject here. Instead of "He heard" try "Shining heard."
Don't look now, but soon she'll be a 2x4! Bored, not board
An* ...And its really nitpicking, but an applebuck is something that's done to trees for harvesting, and only the Apple family seems to do that... So why not just call it a buck? ...Not an buck, as that would be wrong.
Hooves*
I'm going to stop here as I hope I've proved my point. Get an editor. This will be a lot better for your readers and most likely will help turn some of those downvotes into upvotes.
6928469 yes they do, remember in the chapter's she has standard cybernetics and she crushed a combat helmet in her hooves.
minor spoilier. The one's she has now she custom built so they are even stronger.
6928500 thanks, that actually saves me time and frustration. It is very annoying to keep reading over the same section over and over again so I honestly thank you
6928518
Welcome.
6928560 and I do plan to get an editor it's just if I stop to long writing something I have a bad habit of being able to get back to writing it so when ever I'm on a run I tend to prefer rolling with it till I ends and then go back and fix what I can. I do plan to get this edited cause I know it has issues and I take breaks from writing to read over the posted chapter to correct the mistakes I see. but I do need to take breaks from that as reading the same thing over and over again causes it to all blur together after a bit.
it's a weird balancing act.
I like her! She's fun.
6929179
I believe nopony would agree with her being fun despite her cutting argument.
I just came home from track after running 1 600m, 2 400m, 2 300m, 2 200m, and 1 100m, so u ain't allowed to post nothin
6929506 Well, they need to loosen up then
6929534 to bad, almost got another chapter done
Blame the writing frenzy im in, I can't stop!
6929613
Commander Shepherd, Goku, Big Daddy, The Undertanker to name off my head
6929754 You forgot Kratos, Spawn, the Punisher, Deathstroke, Sans, Every member of the G.I. Joes, Dhaos (Tale of Phantasia...my personal all time favorite Overlord), Parathanax, Samurai Jack, and the entirety of the Protagonist line-up from Al la KIll.
6929667 *Sees after being gone for 8 hrs and 3 hrs of sleep* Whhhhy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the smile on my face at the reveal of those 12 inch assain creed style blades
although i dont understand why the auther didnt make them be able to fire out like those Spetsnaz
knifes
I was half expecting her to buck him in the groin.
FUCK YEAH!!!!!!
cyborg twilight FTW!!!!
woot~!
Jesus fucking Christ do you know what an editor is? "Shinning", "Twilly", the constant spaces after periods in end quotes, the run on sentences... are you even aware of how to spell ponies' names? I can't read much more of this, for goodness's sake his name is SHINING Armor. Twill has one L in it, which you'd know if you actually paid attention to what you were writing about.
8515546
and once mre we see another you didnt read the desciption where it clerly states the story is unedited.
also not once has the show ever once said how Twilly is spelled so I'm think I am free to spell it how I prefer it to be spelled as it looks more correct then a single L.
if youd like to wait for me to find an editor who will not vanish after agreeing to edit the story like thelast dozen. feel free.
till then i am fully aware of the grammer errors that plague my writing and they will be delt with as soon as able, till then I'll continue to have the disclaimer about the unedited nature of the stories.
None.
I’ve read all of the Commander Twilight Sparkle stories except for this one (and the one with Princess Dawn, but I’ll get to it), and I’ve had this one question in the back of my mind this whole time...
Ponies don’t wear clothes, and if they’re standing on two legs that kinda exposes some parts. Guys especially- and it’s at about head hight too which makes it even more awkward. Does the story address this? Because I dunno. I must have missed it if you did.
I'd love to see Twilight vs Tempest
9304295
She us likely in armor so not a big issue
7001023
Because those knives are dumb. I’d even make an argument that their not true knives.