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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A Kukri?! Yikes, that's some nasty hardware there!
Called it last chapter. (I hate it when I'm right about stuff I'd rather not be right about.) Rest in Peperonis Dupo. Also laughed my ass off at Princess of being of being a bastard Mendez.
That's 'ow they do it in the 'utback mate!... Please don't hate me for my horrible fake Aussie typing.
I love Kukri's there my favorite knife over most out there
Good chapter.
well that reveal was kind of anticlimactic. Twilight really needs to get laid.
7005240 not to sure how I could have reveled who he was without him being the one to come out and say it, in which case Twilight wouldnt believe him and this arc would never end as they would be chasing each other in circle forever.
7005240 Wow!
so it was this guy all along i was right after all but it was well hidden but still eypected if you whould have come with thing like their chef being it it whould mae at least a few gasp but that whouldnt make any sense now whould it?
Pretty sure you can't stab yourself wiht that kinda blade.
7005485 eh....it's got a point and personally I've only seen then used a few times and the fights were short so you may be correct.
7005392 so you actually predicted it as that guy?
7005562 it seemed very unlike and after after making a list and with my eyperience on stuff like detective conan (always guessed the murder with right) and since frisk whould have been too obvious i came to the conclusion that it is someone we see often but doenst really do anything in that case it was the news guy who used that only as a cover
7005629 so you did predict it was some one from one of the Reports from the start of the chapters?
7005642 he appeard once in a while but still wasnt having any effect on the story and i thought why should someone introduce a character to us if he doesnt have any effect on the story and doesnt do anything but at least you managed itto hide him better as the traitor in the earlier chapters
7005666 well....to be fare when I made the character he wasn't going to be White Rabbit, it was only after I introduced White Rabbit that I decided to have him be it, the character was originally just in the reports.
So I want the reader's opinion here. You guys think I'm doing a good job of editing the story so far? Chapters 1-5 (including the interludes in there) and this chapter have been edited so far.
I see more and more why Twilight is abit unhinged. Every close human friend she makes gets killed. That would do something to anyone.
7006232 yeah I planned this all out very well in advance on what exactly would drive her over the edge.
it's all going according to plan~~~
7006240 Cue Emperor laughing scene.
7006257 sometime I question whether its good or bad I came up with a way to break Twilight, then I just go back to writing while laughing manically while lightly strokes outside and thunder booms.
7006263 I would not be surprised if Scorch was married to Pinkemena
Something tells me that smug bastard is about to have his ass chopped into pieces by Commander Badass very soon,
7006916 I'm working on it. It is the arc finale. Its big just to say now.
Is it weird that I read that in GLaDOS' voice?
Huh, I thought it was a karambit...
Im loving this story, grammer and mispellings aside its one of the most interesting reads out there. There are a few things id like to say my first thoughts on this whole ordeal was that 6 months was too short of time for twilights radical change. That being said correct me if im wrong but it was said she spent a month in captivity with dr frisk thus meaning she spent 30 days each and every day being cut open and tortured physicaly and mentaly
If that is the case then her change is completely reasonable. Now change that to one session a week and it becomes far less likely and not as believable.
Now the massive jump in ranks is very hard to rationalize. No matter how look at it 6 months jus isnt enough time for the level of trust the general gave her. The problem lies in the beginning when she first got to the base. A unknown alien is saved from a fed compound and their base is suddenly attacked and forced to relocate. Aliens first mission and she discovers an ambush that by going off alone. 2nd mission her team is ambushed at the exact they reconed the day prior. Any level of sceptisn would point to the alien being the cause knowingly or not. While yes she has motivation to hate the feds it is to my understanding she kept her time in the lab a secret thus meaning the rest of the soldiers are unaware of her motivation. And finally there is being away during the 2nd infiltration of their base and the general believes twilight (assuming he wasnt informed by someone else during his capture) over his 2nd in command who had been with him for 5 yrs. So the level of trust doesnt add up realisticly.
Just my thoughts and comments thus far again love the story.
Someone anyone animate that fight! It just seems so awesome
7206996 I'm glad you enjoyed the fight scene.
Andindo agree I'd love to see some scenes in this series animated
I was waiting to give my critique of the story until the end, and for the most part I still will, but there are two things in this chapter that were just too unbelievable.
First, there's the exploding crate. The problem with this is with how impossible that would be. We'll just assume he used that program to ensure they hit the right convoy, so it's a little better. However, even ensuring that, unless the rebels had a truck or stole the convoy, they wouldn't have been able to take everything. After all, a convoy would have several dozen of those crates, but a squad on foot would have only been able to carry three or four.
This also leads to the problem that if those rebels had anything resembling common sense, they would have checked the crates to ensure it was something they could use. After all, they don't have any use for tank oil. This means the explosive would have gone off in the field.
All in all, in order for this plan to work, White Rabbit would have to be psychic, and the rebels would have to be incompetent.
The second problem I had was the fight with the black ops. While the scene for the most part was good, the problem was that you made them too bad ass for how they were beaten. You, the problem with making an enemy so powerful is that it becomes harder to have the hero beat them in a believable manner. You depict them as having nearly supernatural reflexes, yet the baton guy just runs right into the others blade? No. He displayed far too much skill for that.
Not only did the baton guy see Twilight twist and his comrade continue without reacting, his comrade continued his thrust far past his target. I've trained in both western and eastern styles of swordplay, and both train to avoid over reaching for this exact reason.
P.S. If Twilight were smart, she would teleport there immediately, as she should still be prepared from dealing with the black ops while Bleach Bunny is still in 'reporter mode'.
I knew it!!!
White Rabbit
7006232 I just say this: Skandar Graun, search for it.
Tonight Twilight will dine on rabbit stew.
7005963 definitely not, i constantly see awkward dialogue and run-on sentences and just generally terrible grammar. it's almost grade school level bad. I'd hate to see what it was like before you got to it, if it's this bad on publishing
7406919 lel
Bro, you pissed off a Twilight........it never ends well when you piss off a Twilight!
just you wait
7713582
The Twi emote you want here is this,
This feels like xcom more n more
As if she was even the same mare who left Equestria in the first place, I wonder what else will change, she's already a psycho and sadistic, will that increase or what?