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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Merciful Emperor...
6908073 now the question is which part is that reaction to.
Did Twi lose the left back or left front?
6908285 left front.
You just pressed the lab button.
"You should've have done that."
And wow didn't take long for her to lose things.
Also I suggest reading the work before posting. some errors in there.
Great chapter again. But I still suggest you get a proofreader.
6908570
It's like in Call of Duty, enemies really like to throw grenades.
6908570 I read over it every once and then but wait a bit after finishing so ive rested from the actual chapter and can see them. i'll start that tomarrow.
as for her loosing it I hinted at what part of it is from.
as for the freak out, not hard to guess why that reaction happened.
6908628 actually I just remember I have one but I kinda spaced about them
as for the Grenade, she was shot with a 30mm grenade launcher under slung an assault rifle, group of soldiers it's a nice target for them.
6908635 i wonder if Twilight would have Rarity make fur coverings for her legs?
6908712 not really, she's been with them so long she doesn't see an issue, plus fur covering would be impractical in a combat situation and would get messy when she crushed certain things.
The more I read this makes Twilight slowly becoming Blackjack from Foe;ph.
She just needs to have Blackjacks Sex reset drive and it would be perfect match
6911064 I actually made some indirect references to FoE:PH in this chapter that no one seems to have gotten.
what with Twilight only being good at Blackjack and all.
as for the cybernetics, that idea may have come from Horizons.
am starting to wonder how they are tracking her squad. i think eather they are tracking twilight some how or there is a inflitrater among them.
I too, regularly send someone to fetch myself.
7040923 Why send someone when you can do it yourself?
The only question I have so far about this is:
Why has no one give Twilight the idea of combat magic, or why isn't she using it since she, most likely, knows about combat magic.
Alas, she can't say "I never asked for thisc.
You cant just become an omnivore by choice, It just doesn't work that way. Humans can choose to eat whatever kind of diet we want because our bodies can process both plants and meats, some notable outliers are grasses such as corn and maize which should only be consumed infrequently. Ponies don't have the right bacteria and other digestive means to regularly consume meats, and actually doing so for extended periods would harshly disrupt their system causing eventual death. Twilight, by all rights, should be dead long before she ever had a chance to return home from malnutrition and what amounts to continuous food poisoning.
On the returning home note, this story is massively inconsistent with its time frames stating early on that twilight had been gone for around two months but is clearly gone for a hell of a lot longer than that.
As a writer and a reader I simply can't continue to read something that beats me down with so much conflicting information. There is simply no world to get lost in in this story; the narrative is clunky and jarring the characters are not realistic, many of said characters have flaws that are not even remotely beneficial to the story in any way (twilight 'becoming' an omnivore out of an unrealistic need that only exists to make her become an omnivore which is again, impossible), and when the story abruptly jumps back to Equestria EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER repeatedly notices that Twilight isn't acting like a mentally sound individual and just brushes it off. These are just SOME of the problems with the story thus far, I'm not going to go over every minor detail that hurts the story.
In the future when you are writing a story you should;
First, Create a timeline, It doesn't have to be complex and it doesn't have to be perfect, but the entire story must not treat time with the same value that one might treat a pebble on the sidewalk.
Second, You should take make a separate document that has each character in its own separate section with all of their flaws, likes, dislikes, looks, morals, parents, children, and anything else that could individualize the character so that you can open it up and reference the relevant information at any time.
Third, Develop a setting(location, era, recent history, government structure if its relevant, etc.), a reason for the characters to exist in said setting more than just because, and most importantly of all avoid making your main character into the dreaded Gary Stu/Mary Sue(THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR THEM AND ITS AS A CHARACTER EXPLICITLY DESIGNED TO BE BETTER THAN THE PROTAGONIST BY COMPARISON AND ALSO ONLY EVER APPEAR RARELY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE STORY, so as to make their Gary Stu-ness as unnoticeable as possible(they have flaws you just don't see them)).
7404127 In regards to time span, Twilight mentioned how it was six months on her end, while two month's on Equestria's. On the subject of diet, ponies are already omnivorous; they get their proteins from eggs (ponies eating eggs are canon, and Fluttershy feeding her animals fish, delivering them by mouth, is canon as well).
7359695 Deus ex? Nice one...
7404127
7428590
While I agree some of the inconsistencies are quite glaring, and could be improved on, I have to respectfully clamor that horse (and real world ponies) have been noted to eat meat in the rare case of a lack of proper nutrition. No they can not survive off meet for long.
But also please keep in mind that we are talking about a show where pastel ponies talk and display magic.
Okay, I haven't finished reading the chapter yet, but I'm at the part where they make it to the armory and Twi spots the 16 soldiers...
Why do I get the feeling that the collar they placed on Twi at the beginning wasn't the only place they had a tracking device? First the base and now this?
Eeeyup. That confirms it. As poor of a location as it would have been for the feds to place it (being the most obvious) I would check beneath the scar where her cutie mark used to be. You'll probably find a tracking chip. At the very least, run her through a metal detector or an X-ray.
SOMEONE PUT HER THROUGH A SCANNER!!!
Seriously, HOW haven't they thought of that? They know she was once in the Feds "custody". And the simple fact of what she is, they should know they would consider her a VERY valuable asset. If I didn't think of doing so when she was first brought to the original base, I would have at the very least thought of it when her first mission out was ambushed when there should have been no way for them to know. The only other thing it could be is a traitor in their midst.
While FAR from the only mistake here, THIS one really bugs me...
Let it be known I am thoroughly loving this story (so far).
Though some extra editing would improve the flow of the story.
Some suggestions that can be ignored:
Not from this chapter, but if you do know where it came from. I believe you meant "possibly", instead of "possible".
(From this chapter,) I think you meant Anderson.
"Ready?"
Okay now I'm full on suggesting a change. Do what you wish.
There's many ways to improve a story and I'm sure I missed a few for this one. I don't really care for grammar errors in general, (so please excuse me if you wanted someone to point put out the "errors" from the past chapters. Or if you generally prefer me leave it, say so. Here's to an awesome story.) -
7880163 I am happy to hear you are enjoying the story.
As for the errors they are being worked on, I'm just unable to swap out the edited chapters at the moment do to being stuck with only a cell phone for now.
May I ask what you are enjoying about the fic?
use not us
hours
soldiers
got
here not her unless this is a clocpfic
and needs to be a or
He
Missing end quotes and period
some chicken
facehoofed
Honesty
He
apologies?
Capitalize
tensed
Remove the e
Welcome to the freak club, take a number.
pbs.twimg.com/media/Dwbz92zXgAA9og0.jpg:large
When it Recalibrates with the Nerves it really hurts a lot, FMA FTW
Ba dum tss
Good hearing she has.
I think you mean Anderson
This will be my last one. I want to enjoy the story on my pace.
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10108732
Alright no problem, feel free to comment though as i love reading people's thoughts.
Dr. Gray has a twin?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2024/1/6/3275586.png
Interesting....well now I understand how Twilight got her cybernetic eyes and limbs.
Well this is interesting, so she now has a robotic left hoof and a robotic left eye, wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, her hearing is a very valuable asset to the squad, it even saved them in the first mission, sadly not the second, I think there is a mole either in the squad or in the rebels base, if Twilight couldn't even hear them come close to her than my theory is that they remained extra quiet due to the first failed attempt to ambush them in the first mission so they could ambush them successfully.