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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I see what you did there!
6852674 I don't know what you are talking about sir.
That is a good story so far and I'm following it with great interest.
A question though... are you going to write interlude from times to times, in which it gets back to Twilight's return in Equestria, and her friends, and family (coming in?), react to her trials and misadventures, and talk with Twilight about it?
An old, unfinished (now dead) fanfic was written like that, and I think it could be a good add to this fic.
6853936 that's actually what the next chapter was going to be. I just wanted to get the base line for the main story set up first and revel some of the more influential people she has met as well as the beginning of what lead to her becoming what she is now. the seeds if you will.
I am also very glad to hear you are enjoying the story so much and I hope you continue to do so.
I only see a few grammar errs here and there. Read over your story one or two times to smooth those out. Over all great plot and story
6855432 yeah, it's a pain checking them over and it seems every time I do look over a chapter I find one I missed in the last sweep and I correct it.
im glad you are enjoying the story.
that tom clancy refrerence.............its sad that he is dead i always like the tom clancy games
Oh my. After reading that line the second time, having read about Twilight's "simple walk"...
I'm not sure if the foreshadowing was intentional, but good job regardless.
First of all, I like Thomas Clancy the most. He left me with a very good and humorous impression. Second, that tunnel joke was funny. I got a good laugh from it
7039554 We all did.
Wait, you've never been drunk?
Every author needs to get drunk and write at least once in their life.
7063746 So... Tell me why he would want to let a poison into his bloodstream and write at the same time?
I liek dis guy.
7070028 cause thats when the magics happen
Injured
"left by the injured as they fled the advancing", I think the "the" before injured is optional but maybe it is better to have it, don't know.
"left arm was in a sling due to having"
" actually noticed them due to the units", this seem to be a mistake that you are found of.
Extra "a" in here.
Almost sure it is "hollow points"
"With" does not need to be in high case.
"because all he wore was", the person is being indicate as a "he" during this speech
"He patted the bed beside him", It is a repetition to have "beside him" again to indicate where Twilight sat.
"I know how it is, your first time", plz man
"Seems our next base is under the damn city."
"The soldiers activated some lights" or "Some soldiers activated lighs" the way it is now is confusing.
"glancing at him.", Twilight is glancing at Delco here
" infirmary due to having"
Still have to finish the chapter so "to be continued"
Use of "on the door" generating a repetition, I advise "The door had a Red Cross spray painted on it".
"had leaded them to the new infirmary. "
This is not wrong but wouldn't it be "As she walked past soldiers going about they business"
"He just stared at her for a while and then spoke. “Ok kid that’s nice but it doesn’t mean a damn thing to me.”" ?
holy crap, the hallow is here? the world is doomed
There should be some capitalization at the start of the paragraph. It also looks like you're missing the subject of the sentence (She?).
"went" seems like it should be "meant". Maybe not, but there's something wrong there.
And I'm saying this stuff not because I'm nitpicking, but because there is a lot of it and it's quite noticeable. This is stuff that wasn't even mentioned by 7155317 and he mentioned a LOT of stuff for this chapter.
7159498 i'll get the swords. ' sighs ' damn hallow, mucking up my bases.
Pfft, he should've been named Bill.
Tomas Clancy Really lol
With everyone else being called human names, 'Twilight Sparkle' must really stick out. Also the fact that she's a pony and stuff...
6855474
Seriously? *Facepalm*
I think I'm gonna need a drink myself...
Also, it's obvious you need an editor, and I'm tempted to offer what I can.
It's a good enough story so far that it would be a shame to drive others from it simply because of grammar errors and the like.
Meh, you got it close enough for the purpose of the story. The effect varies depending on the drink as well as the person. When drinking Whiskey, I myself start thinking it's a good idea to drive 3-wheelers up trees, so I tend to avoid the stuff. Sometimes. Fun stuff having to repair it the next day...
Oddly enough, I've never had a hangover. Bruises and scratches, but never blackouts or hangovers.
6923871 and books
Nice one I will miss him...
Seriously? Tom Clancy? That’s a bit...neat actually. Not too cliche, but not too original either. Never mind the beginning, I like it!
Exactly you did what was neccesary in the moment.
When i got to this i thought something different than
and then it began
Toma's Clancy as in ghost recon
Tom Clancy reference?
..........why..........just why.............
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I figured you'd want to know that I spotted this
Ya that's not gonna mean anything in this world, idk what type of reaction she thought she was gonna get by saying that, she should have said "I'm the personal student of a princess in another universe and the element of magic which i saved an entire country and saved the world 2-3 times."
I'm not sure at what point in time this story takes place so I'm gonna assume it takes place after the Canterlot wedding but before she became an Allicorn.