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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Might want to do a quick spelling check on that description bud. A description with glaring mistakes might offset readers. I'd advice you to get an editor go through the whole thing as well.
6831172
thanks, I actually hadn't thought of putting the description through a spell checker.
Likes And More Likes For You. More I Need More Of This
6832711 I thought that that was wrong but spell check kept saying metal was wrong for some reason.
ill go back and fix them tomorrow
Your fic looks very promising. I look forward to read how Twilight goes from lab guinea-pig to army commander. And to read how she thanks Frisk when time comes.
Though, you should check your spellcheck, and ask a proofreader for help (checking typo).
I've seen a fic like this with a similar premise, but the one I saw is a Ground Zeroes crossover.
6835421
Can't say I've ever heard of Ground Zero.
6836102 You've never heard of Metal Gear Solid V?
6836200 oh it's an Metal Gear game, that would explain it then. not a fan.
6836201 Sorry 'bout that, but that's okay. You don't hafta be a fan of this series to know about it.
6836221 hey not a problem, if I'd rather some one mention something like this so I can deal with it rather then get a big surprise when I get flagged or something.
but yeah I know next to nothing about MGS so if anything like it it's a coincidence.
6836533 many, many things. none of which were pleasant.
the first chapter revels the first seed.
Merciful Emperor, those fools! the hell were they thinking!!
6836573 and now you see the first seed and the beginning of the death of a peaceful mare.
6836647 I also see heretics that need to be purged!
6838608 don't worry I have a fitting end planned for Doctor Adam Frisk.
I am assuming that is the heretic
6838635 Yep, out of curiosity, what's the story based off of?
6838642 ironically I came up with it while watching this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUmqhApH3eg
That'll do it! Have you seen Out of the Frying Pan by the same guy?
6838655 was the first animation by him I did see.
I've watched a lot of his SFMs.
about the only thing I don't watch of his are the time lapses
I'm slowly working on all the SFMs
6838663 I really like the soundtrack he used for it, Wings of Icarus is a good choice!
6838670 I did as well though I didn't know what it was called.
though I like anything that's Littlepip and Blackjack hanging out.
are we getting the next chapter today? Because I like the story!!
6838839 sadly no, I got maybe a fourth of it written today
give or take anyways, honestly I have no clue how long the chapter will be so I have no clue how long it will take to write, at least a few days. depends on what happens in life.
Enough of the a-holes winning for Gods sake! So sick of seeing that crap.
6859627
It's called real life. 9/10 the guy with an army will find a lost kid in a building they know but the kid doesn't.
Just saying
I really like this story but this is just over the line.
but it was still in the excremental stages [ experimental ] a quick read over should have caught this. I will be back in a week or so to read the edited copy.
Jeez. That is a lot hell she is going through, and it is only just the beginning.
your kind
then
then
Capitalization "twilight" "spike" etc.
Tenses typos like here:
2x returned
stared
I already know where this is going.
"
Slowly one by on her senses returned.
"
I think it should be one by one.
"
She could see hear the voices but when she tried to move towards
"
Maybe just one of the two or some word is missing here.
"
Do to Twilight only coming up
"
"Due to Twilight only coming up..."
"
"
caused one of the electrical panels to explode.
"
"
filed with warning alarms as the device
"
"
I think just one "to try" here
"
"
"Understood" is one word
"
"
"bars of her pen while yelling at her" or "bars of her pen, yelling at her"
"
"
" whenever your kind finds their", plz man.
"
"
"She tried to scramble to her feet but her leg wouldn’t hold her weight and she fell"
I would like to say that is all but there are some more that I did not ponted out because I was not sure or they were ponctuation errors.
The history e very good and it has really hooked me, I will try to keep pointing these in future chapters but I advise to review the prologue since I have not pointed the erros in it.
Please please please please please proofread, I am dangerously close to dropping a promising story because of all the many, many, many errors. Let me find as many as I can.
This should be either "Collector and Analyzer" or "Collection and Analyzation Device"
This sentence needs some commas or semicolons. I suggest adding a comma after "Labs" and changing the comma after "staff" to a semicolon.
add comma after Ok
Quotation mark is on the wrong side of that space.
Not strictly an error, but Spike is talking casually, so there's no reason he wouldn't just say "if you're sure" instead of "if you are sure". Not using contractions can make dialog sound robotic.
Quotation mark is in the wrong place again.
Oh man, this is just a minefield of errors. First of all, when talking about the part of your mouth, it's gums, not gum. For both uses of "return" you should use "returned". In this case you should use "lying" not "laying". Laying implies the action of laying something down, not the state of lying down. That version of "mettle" is a character trait, not an object, you want "metal". And "muffle" should be "muffled"
"if only barely". Also add a comma after "her"
Remove this word.
This entire sentence is just sort of iffy. The way I would phrase it is "As her eyes adjusted to the light, she could start to see the source of the voice; it was decidedly not a pony."
Just remove this, it's unnecessary.
This would flow much, much better with a rephrasing. Here's my suggestion: replace the comma after "clothes" with a period, and change the part I highlighted to "It was wearing dark brown pants, a blue shirt, and a white coat that Twilight identified as a lab coat."
Ugh, if I do any more of this, I'm going to not actually enjoy reading the fic. Please give your fic a once-over; people not reading your work because they keep getting distracted by bad formatting and grammar mistakes is not good. And remember to check your homophones!
Typos! Typos everywhere!
It seems that you forgot that ponies have two cutie marks. One on each side.
Well, that escalated quickly.
I WOULD TAKE THAT FRISK FUCKER AND SLLOOOOOWLY CUT HIM TO PEICES WITH A DULL KNIFE, WHILE POURING NICE, COLD ALCHOHOL ALL OVER HIM!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!
I think its fits to Twilight's feelings:
I don't really see why they took the cutie mark. It's just differently colored hair. Unless they did it to demoralize her (which still doesn't make a ton of sense) I don't understand what purpose cutting it off would serve. Also, don't ponies have two cutie marks?
8269915
The fact it is something that just suddenly appears on their flanks and doesn't grow in makes it unnatural by non magical world laws. And they are trying to learn all they can about magic so a magically appearing mark is a piece they can actually take and analyze.
And yes she still has the other. I need to fix it so it's more clear she only lost one but it's still rather traumatic for a race who values the marks so highly.
That guy....That Guy is my new heroe!
Dr. Frisk needs to die.
They took her fucking cutiemark the thing that most represents herself
Im crying and growling in anger screw u
Still having a hard time figuring out what could count as heavier security when the first set is already standard issue at nuclear launch sites. And this is my fifth time reading this!
9102988
I guess add even more scanners and passwords
Um, no offence...but, you got a lot of misspelled words. But it still is great
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Such a baaad author you've been. Playing with my feelings in such a nasty way....
Well... two can play that game.
=======•=======G=======•=======
PS: With the amount of 'Oh!'s you use, you could turn this into a clop story.
=======•=======G=======•=======
Humans fucking suck... I really wanna believe humans wouldn't do this to other sentient creatures but come on, of course we would...
I wish I could say humans would never do this, but I would either be wrong or I would be lying.
This is heartbreaking to read, doesn't anyone in this story besides 1 have any empathy? She is a sentiment living being just like a human, what if it was a human in her place? This is truly madness.