- Member Since 4th May, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 1st, 2023
NintendoGal55
I'm a Canadian gal who loves to write. :D
NintendoGal55
Joined 4th May, 2012 ·
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Well I liked it. I thought the long synopsis provided helpful insight to the story. It may just be the fact that I love flutterdash shipping but I'm looking forward to the rest of the story.
698245 Ouch. Good points, but a little blunt, don'tchaknow?
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110217224942/mlp/images/8/8e/Moo_moo_cow_cow.JPG
Sorry, NintenGal, I'm sort of a wreck tonight. I'll read later, just came to see it.
698245
Sorry, my bad. It's hard to explain why I wrote it that way, but now I fixed it. Thank you for your advice.
That was nice
Really cute story you have here. The way that you portrayed thier feelings for one another just really made me think, "How cute!", the entire time. However, perhaps you may invest in more detailed descriptions? The help the audience invest in the imagery of the story and get a better understanding of what is happening. Not saying you didn't have enough to suffice as is, but in my opinion you can never have enough imagery! Good show.
Great fun story! Here are some things I found:
"Within a moment or two, this was when when she met with Fluttershy's marehood."
This is an awkward sentence... you might want to streamline it somehow, maybe shortening it to something like "After a moment, or two, she met with Fluttershy's marehood." It's not completely necessary but the awkward sentence pulls you out of the story for a moment.
"Nodding back, she looked back at her exposed marehood, as if beckoning her."
Another awkward sentence, this one is confusing as to what it means. Is the marehood beckoning her? Is she beckoning the mare attached to the marehood? You could clean this up depending on what the context is. Two examples are:
"Nodding back, she looked at the exposed marehood as it beckoned her."
and
"Nodding back, she looked toward the exposed marehood, as if beckoning it."
The reason to remove or change the second "back" is you use it in a different context just a few words earlier. It's not necessary, but it helps readability a lot. You don't want the first her as the she in this sentence is already described and she is not looking at her own marehood. The easiest way is to remove the possessive "her" and replace it with a neutral "the". The next part is mostly self explanatory in having the two separate examples. The sentence shouldn't leave such an important factor as "who is doing what" ambiguous. It may be difficult to identify these sort of things as you translate your thoughts into words- that's one reason pre-readers are very useful. They don't have your inside information and have to construct the imagery as you present it without any background other than what you give them.
"The stimulation combined with the intense pleasured waves were by far anything she'd felt before."
I think you forgot a "better than". Got typing a bit fast eh?
"Fluttershy's moaning sent her desires on a tailspin, stirring her own marehood down below her."
Can't tell if very minor grammar error or very clever pun..... Either way, I saw it. Do I get a cookie? The proper use would be "in a tailspin". Unless tailspin meant.. something different and very relative to the term "clop".
I'm sure there are more errors, but I was caught up in your story too much to notice them. I'd call that a win for your story. Good job, I honestly really liked this.
698742
You do get a cookie. XD *Gives you one* I'm glad you enjoyed it regardless of the little bumps in the road. I'll fix them up, of course. XD Thanks a lot for your help!
Interesting. The way this played on the projector in my head was pretty good. Please continue.
"The stimulation combined with the intense pleasured waves were by far anything better than she'd felt before"
I was thinking you might want to throw the "better than" before the "anything," so the sentence read like this:
"The stimulation combined with the intense pleasured waves were by far better than anything she'd felt before"
But I wasn't specific, so I deserved that I guess. I don't think your story does though.
I noticed some other problems with your corrections... Do you want me to get annoying and keep harassing you about them or should I just leave it as it is? Pretty much everything you corrected... didn't seem much better...
I don't want to be annoying, and really you can drag anything out if you spend too much time nitpicking on things. I also don't want you to feel like you did a bad job, because you certainly did not. So I'm just gonna let you be and look forward to your next story. I know I make plenty of mistakes and people don't seem to mind too much. Good luck!
698922
Well, a little helpful correcting never hurt anyone, and I'm not that kind of person who gets annoyed over it. But I guess if there's a glaring flaw that does need to be fixed, definitely point it out. Then spelling mistakes, that pretty much is something I need to know. XD Aside from that, yeah, I think if it's a minor nitpick but we can get away with it, then that's pretty much where we just need to shrug and move on. Unless it somehow affects the story pretty much.
But it's true, we all make mistakes and sometimes even I spot mistakes in stories that I like. Most of the time though, I tend to let them pass and just enjoy the story, since they oftentimes don't even affect my overall reading experience.
I still appreciate you trying to help, though. But yes, definitely just sit back and enjoy the story!
Nitpicking, on your own or someone's work can be tough. XD
Adorable clop....well played
I knew you of all ponies couldcould pull of a clop fic thats cute as buck
I liked how the entire time they were both confused on what to do. Looking foward yo to the cuteness to come
702270
That was my exact intention! Sure, a clop fic, but with emotion and feeling, as well as cuteness. 
Aww, thanks!
Yep! They both never did this before, and Fluttershy's only extended knowledge comes from Sex Ed, romance novels, and maybe a health or biology book. XD But first-hand? Nada!
Thanks again! I hope you'll enjoy the future chapters!
Very sweet story, I loved it. ^w^ Looking forward to more!
MOARMOARMOARMOARMOARMOAR.
Sorry. :P It really was cute, and the initial awkwardness of it all made it completely adorable.
This story is...AMAZING. You are a very good writer and i have read just about every story you have written and they are all good so keep it up and i cant wait for the next chapter. So keep up what you are doing.
. oh and i'm always watching 
698245
but if you dont read the story you dont read the clop...
I was going to do my "Good, Bad, Ugly" review, but then I saw that you made it incomplete... so all I will say is...
profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/277167_146562318774450_2017642263_n.jpg
I'm ready for chapter 2
717962
Oh dear! What have I done?!
XDDD I asked for that kind of caption, didn't I?
Cool then! I'm working on it now.
Oh how delightfully decadent! Also very fluffy and sweet. I feel like I'm reading more about a bonding of two close friends then a clop. Well done!
719303
Exactly my intention! 
Awesome! That means I'm doing my job!
I agree, I too feel that this is about a bonding friendship increasing in strength, a fitting way to keep to the shows theme goin in the off-season. They both stick very well to character too, a finewrk indeed. Keep up the good work, if you wouldn't mind.
719353
Thanks very much! That's exactly what I'm going for here, to really increase a bond in friendship and explore the angles of it all. Sure, the story has and will have a lot of sex in it, but it's more than that. I'm glad it's managed to come through pretty well so far! 
I enjoy clop that has actual story most are just like random pony sex random human mixed in for no reason. And the only clop of FlutterDash thatthere seems to be is rough kinky sex in witch Fluttershy abuses Dash
That was sweet and cute :3. Hope you decide to add more to this
719478
I know, right? DX I've seen those, which I admittedly read a couple of out of morbid curiosity. Other than a few that were actually cute, there really is a severe lacking in FlutterDash clopfics that also has a story to it, as well as good emotional angles. So, I decided to try for myself to create something good.
719494
Thanks!
Don't worry, I will be making more!
719556 YUS!
Something tells me that eventually, somepony (probably Twilight, seems to be a cliche) will walk in on them.
719600
Well, you'll just have to see! But if that is the case, I may make it somepony else.
Loving this story so much! >w< Hnnng~
Oh well, I'm not really into clopping, but it's too cute to turn away.
Clearly you are not a virgin :P
Good job on the story, I've been looking for a good
x
I hope to see more of this.
722955
XD Actually, contrary to what you might believe, I actually am a virgin. I just get information from books and occasionally lemon fanfiction.
Anyway, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! That was my goal, to make some good FlutterDash!
719606 But Twilight would be the most socialy akward one, if she knew she be a nearvos wreck and try t to avoid Dash and Fluttershy the best she can but at the same time be worried this could destroy Fluttershy and Dashes friendship. But i do wonder how Pinkie would react
it be more Akward if she little or nothing on the subject of sex and went to ask Twilight about what she saw. Lol Twilight explaining sex to Pinkie more more scaring then cupcakes
723526
XDDD Well, we'll see what happens with that! No worries!
such great writing, the only way for me to read a fic like this
Well would you look at that, I do get first comment this time! Can't wait to see what happens come the morn.
Awesome 3rd chapter. Seemed a little rushed with only small grammatical errors. Aside from that a great read. Keep them coming and ill keep reading... LOL that kinda sounded wrong.
Good to see this'll be updating fairly regularly, you write Fluttershy really well, you manage to keep her adorable regardless of context. And as for your note on the previous chapter, you don't need sex in every chapter to keep me interested, your characterization is more than enough
Ahh, I love this fic.
Wow amazing so far, I love this story!
You have my full support with this. I like where I think its going... its also good to see its getting regular updates.
You don't need to have my two favorite characters doing dirty things with each other in every chapter for me to want to keep reading. Rainbow and Fluttershy both seem so accurate that their story is a totally gripping one and it would be nice to have scenes where their relationship develops and deepens in other ways too.
All in all, keep them coming, I really cant wait for the next one. (Keep making them this good and it will be totally epic...)
727436
That is pretty much what I'm trying to do, to bring them closer as friends and develop their bond! Kind of the way that "The Cutie Mark Chronicles" was where I believe their friendship was rekindled to be stronger, and it just got a lot better from there! So there will be a lot of that, in which they become better friends for it. 
Thank you!
It's great to know that despite the sexual overtone this story has, we can all still appreciate the rest of everything else that surrounds it. That's exactly what I've been trying to do.
727550
You noticed that too in "The Cutie Mark Chronicles"... thats awesome.
Well I would think they would become a little more than just "better friends" for it. Maybe even getting into a proper mare-mare relationship? Especially if they spend quite a few days/weeks together.
But your the author of this awesome story and I welcome you to take it where you will.
I hope you have as much fun writing it as I am reading this. :)
729110
Yay! I'm not the only one who noticed!
And yep! They will indeed be getting into a proper mare-mare relationship.
Thanks! 
"As much as she wanted to shout from the rooftops about the amazing wonders she shared with Fluttershy the night before and this morning"
When I read this part I just had a mental picture of RD going to a rooftop, putting on a turtleneck sweater with a gold chain and singing this...
732096
XDDDDD LOL! It's always fun to ignite a readers' imagination!
First time Iv'e read a clopfic that actually had a adorableness to it! Mostly in Flutterdash Clopfic's Fluttershy ends up being obbsesed with BDSM, I love this! :3
732389
It may be clop, but I always try to deliver in the emotions and cuteness! 
Glad you like it!
Thank you!
Yeah, I've noticed that too! Aside from a couple that were actually cute, yeah, any FlutterDash clopfic has Fluttershy being TOO assertive and then obsessed with BDSM and inflicting pain, with RD as a pure masochist.
Yeah, just not for me.
732242 Ain't it!
Also great writing, I hope to see more of this.
732389 I don't normally read clopfics but I like kinds like these the most.