• Member Since 4th May, 2012
  • offline last seen May 8th

NintendoGal55


I'm a Canadian gal who loves to write. :D

T

This is in the process of being re-written. If you wish to keep it as it is, you'd best save it right now. The core story is that Fluttershy injures herself, with Rainbow caring for her. Sometime after, Fluttershy gets a chance to return the favour when Rainbow is a little sick with a cold.

Co-written with StormySummer

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 64 )

I like this! Make us all another! *crash*

Jay

This is such a good story

loved reading this :twilightsmile:

That was such a cute story. I really loved the improv fairy tale, and I had a laugh at all the interruptions that kept the two from their "Snuggle-time". :yay:

611165

Thanks! :pinkiehappy: Hee, that little improv story just seemed like something the CMC would want to do! X3

Oh yes, and Dashie didn't like that one bit! xD How dare anypony intrude on snuggle-time!

611370

It fit the CMC perfectly, and while the interruptions were annoying for Rainbow, it just made snuggle-time that much sweeter. :yay:

611392
It sure did fit them perfectly! :D And yep, it made when snuggle-time finally came all that much more sweet! :yay: :twilightsmile:

wow, (i go to search first one i find good u made it like,20 of them with ur name later, wow, wat a surprize! nintendogal55 yet AGAIN! nice story:heart:

1. Cut down on the use of the word "pal". Seriously. It's WAY too much.

2. Boil some of this down. It feels like this story can meander and include things that aren't that important or interesting, particularly when it comes to dialogue. This leads into...

3. Ditch the OC's. This is a story about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but a LOT of time is taken to introduce us to OC's and to have scenes together. It's too much. It's jarring and unnecessary, particularly when you consider how talented they are. The story would be ten million times better without them. Please, just get rid of them.

613474
Okay, I do understand where you're coming from with that, and even I wondered whether or not to keep them in. However, this is still my story and this was how it was written. I decided to leave them in to give a try with them. I can see now it's hit and miss, but I don't regret it. I am sorry you feel that way, but I do understand and I respect the fact you weren't too crazy about them. That's all right, you are entitled to your opinion.

However, I don't use OC's much in stories anymore, so you can rest assured you won't see them very much if at all.

613487

The point is that this is supposed to be a story about Fluttershy and Dash. And then, all of a sudden..."Hey, look at these characters! This one likes animals like Fluttershy does, and this one is as fast as Rainbow Dash, or almost as fast or something! Let me tell you all about them while they interact with these other characters like they've known them forever."

People don't come to a FlutterDash shipfic to read huge amounts of text about your original characters. Maybe they'll tolerate them in small doses, but these are HUGE. Run a poll if you don't believe me. Probably the biggest turn-off you can have for a story. Not just bitching, but advice for the future. Unless your characters are the draw, please leave them out, because that's not what people come to see, and it frequently turns them off.

613501

No, I do understand what you mean. But again, this is just how it turned out, and it wasn't just me, my friend and I wrote this together. You're right, I know that OC's can be a turn off, and even I admit that in story form and not just between friends, it can be a bit jarring. I do understand that, and I may consider fixing out their scenes.

I'm sorry it bothered you.

613512

Not at all, not at all. I've read MUCH, MUCH worse. Just trying to help authors any way I can. I know a lot of people that draw that badfic line there.

613517
XD Okay then! You're right, I've read worse also, and I see what you're trying to do. So really, I do thank you for your time and input!

Angel seemed too nice even if he is whipped by flutter, but everything else sounds good :twilightsmile:

613704
Eh, maybe he's had more time to be nicer. X3

wait wait wait, u said rainbow had "forest green eyes" she has ruby red eyes :unsuresweetie:

615920
Whoops! Might've been written out wrong, then. Sorry about that! :twilightblush:

I had a bit of trouble deciphering RD's "stuffy nose talk" so I would say...maybe (if you ever write a somepony sick scene again) ease up on it a little to make it more understandable? All in all, a good story. The OCs were a little distracting because it felt like when they showed up the took up big chunks of the story without really furthering the story, just like...I don't know, like advertisements for personal OCs just kind of stuck in, but didn't quite fit.

618914
That's understandable really, we should have approached the matter in a different way really. :twilightblush: Not to worry, we are working on a method to remedy the problem. :pinkiesmile:

Sick talk was a little confusing, but this was a really adorable story. :yay: for more FlutterDash!

What a wonderful story.. had a bit of trouble in trying to translate RD's "stuffy nose talk".

Also enjoyed the Tiger Stripes OC.

619926
XD Yeah, sorry! I guess I should've put a translation in there. But yes! Yay for more FlutterDash! X3

620483
Sorry about that! :fluttershysad: Might have to fix that soon. XD

Aww, thanks! Glad you like her! :pinkiesmile:

620584

The adorableness more than surpassed any possible confusion. Forgot to mention it, but I can't wait for more. :yay:

That was a great last line. Kudos. :yay:

Just 2 small spelling mistakes I noticed while reading through this.
"Fluttershy smiled, taaking a cookie. "They look delicious!" Think there's an "a" to much in "taking".

"Hello there, Mira..." Fluttershy said softly, learning very close" I don't know if this is a mistake or not, since English ain't my main language, but I will guess it's meant to be leaning?

Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter of the story! Was so completely sucked into the story.
Going to read the next chapter, hoping it will be just as good :)

And thank you, for posting this:fluttercry: (tears of joy)

Well that was fairly horrible. Most of it was downright painful to read, it was quite similar to this and not in a funny good way. Everything was way too slow, everything described and repeated way too much, just... bleh. Oh and too many OCs. I'm a sucker for FlutterDash so I approve of the basic plot at least. Your other work is like, several orders of magnitude better, in pretty much every way.

I guess I'll finish reading the other two chapters, just for shits and gigs.

Edit: I was having trouble believing that the same author who wrote Pegasi Introspection and Heated could write something as bad as that, but this edit has fixed it somewhat. It's much better now. I don't like it as much as your other stuff but eh. It's not bad.

Nightmare Before Christmas quote "No, I think not...it's never to become. ...For I am not the one..." Flutter = Sandy , RD = Jack ..... I like lol :moustache:

795818 Yay! Somepony finally caught it! :rainbowlaugh: My thoughts exactly! :pinkiehappy:

WOW. HUGE improvement. Back when I read the early one I thought it had potential but wasn't all there. The OC's in the story completely killed it for me too.

This time the cutie mark crusaders made me laugh a lot, Fluttershy and Rainbow dash's antics (desecrate kissing and other carrying on) were adorable. Everything was easy to grip and it felt up to par with the rest of your work. Now yet another on of your stories is added to my list of best ever Flutterdash writing. :rainbowwild::yay:
Seeing how awesome the rest of your writing is too makes me quite confident in saying your are my favorite author and I can't wait to continue reading your work in future.

822124 Thank you very much! :twilightsmile: Yeah, looking back, we realized that some bits and the OC's were a bit of a mistake, especially since because we never properly introduced them, you know? That being said, if we ever do include them in a story, we'll make sure we at least have one where they're introduced. OwO Besides, yeah, most of the story had potential, it just needed some changes here and there.

Glad you enjoyed it, so yay! We did our job! Writing the Crusaders into this was a ton of fun, and we love them, so of course made sure to keep them in! :yay: And nothing major was going to change, so Fluttershy and Rainbow's interactions remained the same, and it all came together well! Thanks!

:twilightblush: Awwww...I appreciate your liking for my work, so thank you! :twilightsmile:

Hah there was no random Pegasus who came in the room for a soup recipe this time :D Also, if I remember correctly, another pony who owned a bake shop didn't come either. Thank Celestia you removed them! They were just stalling the much needed snuggle-time. (Insanely adorable I might add) Since I remember reading this a while ago, I looked for the smallest mistakes in grammar/spelling. The first was when Dashie took Fluttershy to the hospital. I don't remember the exact line, but it was something like: "Fluttershy received bandages and a split" which split should be replaced with splint. I think. Next is when Fluttershy is asking for Dash to do things for her: "Elizabeak should lay her leggs soon." Again, probably not the exact line, but the page isn't loading correctly. Leggs should be replaced wit eggs here. The next two one is not technically an error but is something I noticed. In different regions, certain words are spelled differently. (Ex. Color vs. Colour. Grey vs. Gray. Theater vs. Theatre. etc.) When Fluttershy was recalling Flight school events, she said a line involving the word "honour". In the following line, Dash said something using the word "honor". Same meaning, but different spellings. No need to change it, but I thought I'd share. The final one sounds a bit odd but is grammatically correct. When Fluttershy and Dashie are talking about snuggle-time when everyone leaves, Rainbow says, "Just you and me." Technically, she should have said, "Just you and I", but I think the former flows better. Well that was all I could find. But that's all nitpicking. As for content itself, it was adorable. I'm no Souldin, so I can't give you an extensive critical analysis on every plot point in the story. But I'll say it's improved from its original state a lot. No pointless OCs to annoy me, just a great story. Of course, the fact that huge percent of FlutterDash stories follow the lines of, "One gets hurt, other stays at the other's house in order to keep them in good health. Sleep together, fall in love, the end." would normally annoy me, but you've done it so well that I can ignore that. Plus, this was the first fanfic I read that had that anyway. The storytelling was cute and original and... um.... I liked it. A lot. Keep up the amazing stories and never stop providing the work that deserves to be published that I enjoy so much. Well if you can, of course.

823428 Well yes, the other OC pony DOES show up, but her role was actually fairly well received so we kept her in there and it's no more than a small cameo.

Thank you for your input! :pinkiehappy: I'll fix some of those! And the "honour/honor" thing is because I'm Canadian and spell it that way and my friend is American. XD

Oh... the baking mare is still here... Not too sure what the point of her presence was, but it wasn't TOO awful. Oh well, the amazing content other than that one scene totally made up for it. And who has "Forest green eyes"? I think Fluttershy's eyes are teal and Rainbow Dash's are magenta/cerise. Still great, but it's not too different from the original. I think.

823545 Yeah, she is! XD Like I said, she was fairly received and I decided to leave her there, since she really didn't chew up the scenery all that much anyway.

Yeah, at the time we didn't quite get the colours right. XD

Aha! What I do remember the most was the difficulty to understand what in the world Dash is trying to say. Still an issue. Most of the time I can decipher her lines of gibberish from Fluttershy's response, but I think that it takes away from the story a bit. Imagine one pony was speaking German and the other was responding in English. Sometimes you can figure out what the German pony was saying by the English-speaking pony's response and the possible word that is similar to English, but most of the time can't understand what in the world they're trying to say. Same situation here. I can get over that because of how adorable it is though... Just thought I'd share my thoughts though. If you think it is better this way, it probably is. Because, let's face it, you're a creative genius while I'm a overcritical, odious, and offensive(probably obnoxious at this point) reader. Awful alliterations x.x

823616 XD It's fine! It's just the speech impediment for a cold...though I should probably put a better translation. Thank you, though! I'm glad you enjoyed it overall! :pinkiehappy:

Bordigue = Morning... Haha how does that work? It's 2 am and you had me LMAOing.

823667 Yep! xD B for "M", and gue for "ing"! Glad to make you laugh! :rainbowlaugh:

This story leaves me speechless... (no sarcasm)
Just pure AWESOME!
Just pure REALISTIC!
Just pure ENDING!
:pinkiehappy:
(sorry for the Caps-Lock.)

"Oh dear...." Fluttershy giggled, holding he hoof to her mouth, winking.
I think (he) was supposed to be (her) but no-offense. Just trying to help out in anyway I can. Also, another awesome story. :pinkiesmile:

Rainbow Dash's "stuffy nose talk" was really confusing.
I didn't know Fluttershy was that good at understanding things like that.

I just want to point out that if you leave the word's first letter and last letter good and the others scrambled. It is cmopleetly udnrestndable. At lsaet, msot polpep do. Bceause, any prseon wno't raed the eacxt wrods. Isntaed, the smiilar wrdos jsut smpily cmoe to yuor mnid. Aynwyas, It was an aewomse sorty. :pinkiehappy:
So, fvie :pnkieihppay: - :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
(srroy for all the "msiseplilngs". If you wree anoyned by tihs fact.
srory.)

I've just finished reading the whole story.
And I can't describe it just by simple "It's amazing!" :pinkiehappy:

I don't know how you managed to put so much kindness and sweetness into the story.
You just did it! And you did it so well! So much D'awwwwww!... :pinkiegasp: :pinkiehappy:

I love how you portrayed the characters! :twilightsmile:
And there are those little details that make the story very enjoyable to read. :pinkiesmile:

Cutie Mark Crusaders were great! :raritystarry:
The story has a lot of moments that could be easily put into the show.

I think, it is very well written! I laughed at the funny moments of the story. :rainbowlaugh:

Most of the time I was smiling and being happy while reading the story. :twilightsmile:

My heart was completely melted at the end of the first chapter!
Snuggle-time... Lullaby... D'awwww... :pinkiehappy:

But there were two more chapters waiting to be read. :yay:

Oh my gosh!
It became so breathtaking because of sweetness and love overload!
I just have no words to express what I felt while reading it... I was so happy! And I still am! :pinkiehappy:

The fact I enjoyed reading it is all I need to say that the story is great! :twilightsmile:

And, of course, I'm adding this story to my favorites!

:yay::heart::rainbowkiss: Forever!

Moar, for the love of god, moar!

This fic...AHHHHH!!!! So sweet, its awesome!

Well now all my teeth are gone. To much sweetness. Fuckin dentist is not gonna be happy. But am extremely happy with this story! So freaking cuttttteeeeeeeee:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

This is a really good story and I think you should make more stories like this but I think in future stories you write you shouldn't have Rainbow say "pal" so much because it was just WAY overused. I only have one other concern and it was about the sick talk... I could only understand 3/10 of it, but besides those 2 things this story is truly amazing :scootangel:

Edit:

I noticed how you have Fluttershy call RD "Dashie"... No intention to be picky but only Pinkie calls RD Dashie. I just thought to remind you and once again great story!

This is a really good Flutterdash Fic! I really enjoyed it! This is going on my Favourites! I love Flutterdash fics but i really enjoyed this one! Good job!
I have to admit, though, the sick talk was a bit hard to understand but i understood most of it :twilightsmile:
I cant wait to read more of your fics!

Derp u L8er
:derpytongue2:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!