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Despite the dangers of their homeland, Chrysalis and Myth, her pony, had crossed over from their world to Equus. In the distance loomed an enormous mountain, just as promised. Attached to the side of the mountain there was a city of such magnificence that it appeared to grow from the rock itself: Canterlot, the fabled city where the gods themselves dwelled.

They had been such fools to attempt the journey to Equestria. They had nearly died more times than they could count, and not all of their wounds would heal. And what was it all for? Nothing more than the vanity and childish optimism of a princess who wanted to be queen, who knew it would only be possible if she followed the same path as her mother.

But they had made it. They were alive. They may never attempt the journey home, they may never claim the throne, they may never revolutionize their homeland, but a world filled with wonders and untold magics stretched out before them. It would all be worth it.

Even as Chrysalis gazed upon Canterlot, home in the forests of her birth, her trail had finally been found.

Cover art provided by Lafiir.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 30 )

OK.......why is the description of this story written as if its an excerpt from a chapter? That's not what the descriptions are for as only the short description actually describes what the story is about. If not for having read that first id have immediately ignored this do to having no idea what this story is going to be about.

I would recommend rewriting the long description so it actually describes the story and not just a random excerpt that gives no information on what this story will be about.

7235639 It isn't as if there's a definitive rule dictating how one should write descriptions. It's really just the author's prerogative to do the description however he wants.

Looks interesting will love to read it but I usually waits till there's at least three chapters before I start a story so I will come back later.:twilightsmile:

In the meantime I'll put you on Apollo I like your other stores so good luck and I hope this one comes out well:rainbowkiss::scootangel:

7235764 the whole definition of the word "Description" is kind of the rule about describing something.

7236208 Right, but what I mean is there's a sort of creative freedom when it comes to things like this, where the author doesn't necessarily need to adhere to any sort of standard. Some people might prefer a more concrete description. I myself like descriptions that serve as nothing more than an attention-grabber, leaving most of the story concealed until I decide to actually read it.

7236225 yes Ikknow but what I was meaning was showing an out of context snippet of a chapter makes it so people won't have any idea what is going on in the slightest. I get keeping things vague as you want to interest a reader and make them want to find out what your stody is about but they also need to have some idea of what the story could be about.

7236240 I agree that it would be conducive to growing a reader base if they knew what the story was about beforehand :twilightsheepish:. I'd read just about anything by Forthwith so it doesn't really matter to me :pinkiehappy:

7236266 it doesn't need to be very descriptive just a very genrsl idea. Like I said the short description is perfect. Give the bares idea of what the story is about while being vague enough not to give to much away and prompting people to want to read it.

Its why I clicked on the story when k saw it on the new uploads list butnifninhad just seen thrblarge description I'd have read a few lines gotten confused and then immediately left as I am unfamiliar with the author so have nothing to base anything off of.besides the description of the story.

Well, I'm unfortunately a bit low on time at the moment, but I expect to quite enjoy this. :)

I've looked a bit for what language that is, by the way, but not yet met with success (I might in other circumstances look more, but, well, as I said, low on time.). Something celtic?

"She remember where she"

"Unable to bare watching"

"It kept her awake though"
"awake, though"?

"world away and they were"
"away, and"?

"It was created long before Equestria was forged from the ruins of the pony tribes with magic foreign to Equus."
Hm. Did you mean to put the ambiguity in there?

"which Nasonov could care less about"
Did you, ah, mean to use that? I mean, it's your story, and languages do evolve over time, but... I thought I'd check.

"where she was last seen then"
"seen, then"?

Ooooh. Far too early to be sure, but looks like we might have a situation with the second and fourth in line for the throne against the first and third and the reigning queen, with the second and fourth having some significant (though it's not clear how much) portion of the military with them. And possibly a foreign ally, depending on how things go in Equestria. This could get very messy.

Oh, except that the first princess is apparently not the first in line... well, that just makes things yet more complicated.

"seconds before brining his muzzle back"

And there are in fact eight princesses.

"but that’s not even what the queen would want in a successor."
I'm afraid that I'm not sure what that "even" is meaning there.

"opened her saddlebags, and levitated Myth’s"
Ought that comma to be there?

"“I’ll see you soon then,” Caelan asked"
That doesn't seem to be a question; is there some reason I'm missing for the use of "asked"?

Ah, thought that was where they were. :)

Well! You have here (unsurprisingly) a very interesting beginning!

A different approach, has a mendacity kind of vibe, albeit one more from the very start of things.

I never actually finished reading that story, I must admit, but I did like the few chapters I did read. It would be fair to count it as partial inspiration for this story...probably. It's been a while since I made the first drafts.


Did you, ah, mean to use that? I mean, it's your story, and languages do evolve over time, but... I thought I'd check.

Ah... That's admittedly a mistake I make even when I'm speaking.

7236476 Its the real vibe I got from here. Especially so with the perspective you have approached this from. The how of seeing fits here, along with the nature of courts over and under the hill.


I'm going to be honest—if I wasn't already familiar with your other works, then I'm not sure if I would have made it far enough into this one to get interested. I can understand if you're trying to make things a bit more mystical and steer away from overexplaining thought proccesses, but I feel like you've gone a little too far in the other directien here, at least for a first chapter.

If I had to describe it, I would eay that the writing feels… myopic in its attention to detail. The reader is given numerous specifics of names and places without enough information to order them properly in their mind.

The opening quote, for example. The opening paragraphs of your story are the most important because until the reader gets past it them, they are the entire story. The opening quote here, however… says nothing. It's vague, boring, and when the reader gets to the end, hoping to at least find some context to assign it to, all they get is alphabet soup.

This is pretty much my experience with most of the chapter. Lots of unpronouncable fantasy land names (Gaelic—same thing) and not enough context. Avoiding exposition is good!—but you still have to communicate the information somehow. The reader shouldn't be struggling to figure out through context who is a changeling and who isn't, how that relationship works, or other things that the POV characters know. They should be focusing on the characters themselves and developing attachments.

Anyway, sorry if I'm just harping on the bad. Beginnings are… a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Not counting the quote, you did start with a decent in medias res action sequence that reasonably introduces one of the characters, and the actual writing is, of course, good. Just… next time, try to leave the subtlety for after the reader is good and attached to the characters and has boxes to sort incomplete information into.

Fair enough. I can probably trim some of this chapter and put it into later ones, or just omit some of it all together. Proper fantasy instead of science fiction disguised as fantasy is a bit new to me. I'm kind of expecting these kinds of mistakes to be a learning experience.

Ah, glad I could help, then. :)

7236710 What else must I read to know of this better?

Everything! Read all the things! Read bad things, read good things and see if you can tell the difference. There is no replacement for experience, as good writing isn't just a single thing. You'll find that there are poorly written stories that still manage to keep your interest, and perfectly functional stories that just have no life to them, and understanding the two can do a lot to help you write stories that people want to read.

That's probably not the answer you wanted, though. You probably just want a simple, no-nonsense guide that lays out what to do to maximize the effect of your writing, and for that, the only book I ever specifically recommend to people is Writing Tools: 50 Essential Strategies for Every Writer. It doesn't quite touch directly on the subject of beginnings, but focuses on aspects of writing that nonetheless can be applied to sentences or entire stories. I highly recommend it for anyone interested in writing if only for the density of useful information and the way it frames all of it's advice as tools that you use or don't use at your own discression. Too many books on writing present their advice as black or white, when it is anything but.

7238018 You're trolling me? If so gj. Tbh I just want to know if there's any story regarding this universe or whatever.

7238225 Perhaps you didn't mean to quote/respond to my comment?

7238278 It seems you had read something I didn't and knew more about this story than me.

Hmmm, definitely different than what I was expecting. But it has me curious enough to continue.

Though as others have pointed out, the initial opening was a bit... rocky. Honestly, if I wasn't familiar with your work I probably would have tossed this in the 'read maybe later' pile after about the first four paragraphs.

I am happy I muscled my way further in though, the further in I got the more hooked I was.

Out of curiosity, how many POV characters will this story have?

Ah, no. The "other works" I spoke of are unrelated to this story. I just meant that I persevered because I know that Forthwith is a good author.

Yeah, currently working on making this first chapter more user friendly. I did my research on the culture, and I'm now so familiar with it that it's hard to judge what's too much.

But anyway, as for POVs, there's three primary story threads. Chrysalis's story is mostly told from her perspective and is, in essence, a fantasy character stepping into a sci-fi world. Nasonov will be another story thread, mostly told from her perspective, and it's basically a pure fantasy thread. The last story thread will be mostly from Dachi's point of view. It'll be more war and politics, instead of science or adventure.

Interesting start, love the world building and I didn't notice any errors.

Though, you should put a warning about serious feels, the double whammy of the two living in a box and Myth's wound was a lot to take in.

Can't wait to read more.

Feb, thinking that Sunbutt is a goddess.

her coat golden and radiant, highlighted by her orange and red mane and tail that practically glowed in the fading twilight.

I am guessing Sunset Shimmer despite the name Sphinx.

let alone the earful she would hear if the first or third princess ever caught wind of it.

Chrysalis gets to be the baby queen I am assuming.

Chrome failed to be surprised by that, or at least Nasonov did not feel his breath hitch, or his mussels twitch

Why would Chrome have mollusks on him?

Knowing how the queen thinks, step two is ‘become a god’.

Oh wow, power hungry much? I think this queen wouldn't get too far across the oceans before having to deal with some sisters.

would be in the presence of the goddess Bel or Cerridwen at some point.

So Luna and Celestia are known about somehow, just given different names. I wonder why the names are different unless these names are just being given to them since they are close to local legends in their actions.

she nor Myth had heard so much as a whisper of Cerridwen or the name she went by on Equus.

The sisters are from outer space? Feels like Chryssi's culture has a lot of legends about the sisters and I am interested in how those came about.

along with an extra set instructions that sent parents off into a waiting room.

I think "of" is missing in here.

unyielding courage that let her kick the queen in the cannon for punishing Caelan.

I am guessing we will learn what Chrysalis is being punished over later. I really want things to go well from them, especially considering this is tagged AU.

Her mane was a brilliant yellow with wide streaks of crimson running through it. And her coat…

There's Sunset. I am guessing all princesses have a different color from each other.

This comment leads me to believe that traveling between Ay...whatever-the-fuck-it-is and Equestria is kinda like traveling between worlds or realms in some way. Chrysalis makes mention of Equus being safe which is something a little odd if it in the planet or realm she is from. I feel this difference is something from Gaelic lore.

Why wasn't this continuated!? Just... WHY!? It shows too much promise to not!?

This story is amazing; It's keeping me on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what happens next. Is there any chance it will continue? :pinkiehappy:

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