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Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,758 stories ·3,960 members
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I Just Want a Comment15,702 stories ·3,671 members
Sometimes, to ensure that something - or someone - is safe, we resort to drastic measures.
Sometimes, those drastic measures have long reaching consequences.
And sometimes, for good or ill, those consequences fall on ponies who don't have any choice but to accept them.
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Really really really excited to see this continue!
Hmm, an interesting start. Seems this new hive isn't a fan of Chrysalis or what became of her hive after she was deposed.
Did Pyaxis kidnap and 'rebirth' Flurry like in the 'Of the Hive' series? Or is something else going on?
I have no idea what this story is trying to do. The description doesn't tell a setting at all either.
8623406 There is some mystery as to whether or not this is the real Flurry or a double at first, but if you think about it a bit it makes way more sense if its the real Flurry.
8623551
Oh, I never doubted it was the real Flurry. Just wondering how the changelings got their hooves on her.
Hah, they think Thorax and his kin are hideous!
Found this on my feed, did a double take since I'm only familiar with your more mature work.
8623693
Giggles. You should look at her other stories. They range from beautiful, touching things to wonderful silliness.
Ni-ice~ I'll be waiting for more!
Slow start.
Totally going into my tracking!
CHERNGELERNGS!!
*Alondro runs off to buy more RAID*
Well, this opened well. Felt strangely like the start of a video game. Had the same sort of urgency and bewilderment.
I'm guessing that we started in the slums of Las Pegasus?
8624586
You're absolutely correct!
Hm, I don't know. I can't say that I'm a big fan of stories that tease you with the ending and then rewind to the actual beginning. It messes up the mood.
As ponies in the show are just fine in a cocoon, trapped in solid crystal, or encased in ice, I am quite puzzled by why Flurry Heart seems so sure she'll die.
*Cough Rainbow Dash could cough*
This is unique.
Well, this is a promising story alright. The prose is nice, the pacing good, and the story has an air of mystery and potential for much more drama (I'm seriously hoping poor Flurry rebels against these wicked lovebugs that have stolen her and altered her so, but seeing what you have in store will be good too). There's some questions I'd like to see this story answer too.
A suggestion would be in regards to the narration. Flurry appears to be a preteen of sorts, and while you can clearly handle first person narration and this is a suitable Flurry Heart, there's something about how she reads right now that's more 'protagonist' (which she is) than 'personal'. What was her life like up til this point? What's her unique speech pattern? Does she have hobbies she misses or that are relevant to what she does? What about her cutie mark, if she has one? How about things with Sunburst?
Since this story is told by her and we get to experience things as she knows and tells them, try to really listen to what Flurry should be saying too. What's it that makes Flurry Heart herself in this story? What helps establish the border between changeling-Flurry and real, true Flurry? You also have the potential to weave some... less than honest characteristics into how she narrates. This character has their own little thoughts and opinions. What might they be? Does she think the hive feels a little ugly? For a filly who lives up north, is it unusually warm to her?
You've decided to use a first person narrator, indulge in it!
What a nice tour!
Though the hive mind continues to be creepy as much as Flurry's journey continues to be curious.
I love this so far!
yay!
Swap out Flurry before she gets foalnapped?Oh wait...
Hmmm, but why rebirth Flurry in the first place?
Oh dear.
Well, seems the project is well on its way.
Keep going! ;)
8624956
I get what you're saying and I kind of have the same problem. This kind of thing makes it so no matter how good things are for the MC, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I didn't think "Pyaxis" was hard to pronounce, but then I looked at your pronunciation guide and gave up.
No idea how I'm supposed to vocalize that
Fascinating world you have there, and glimpses into the life of the hive are wonderful.
I'm eagerly waiting for more
8653619
mm, it's more like an "uh" sound, but as a diphthong with the A, and the A is stressed? I can say it, I just can't write it. PwuhACK-sis is closer.
8660431
Thank you so much! You made my day. It's comments like these that keep me writing. Chapter 3 is on its way, so stay tuned!
8624956
8647948
Well, I'm... glad that you've brought that to my attention! I won't change this story's beginning, but I'll keep that in mind.
8667835
Well dang, now I feel like I just pressed you.
Sorry if my tone was a bit accusatory or overly critical; it's a reflex at this point.
8667845
No worries! I'm not upset in the slightest! I just looked at the comment, looked at the story, and went "welp, it's a little late to change it now." It's a good note for the future, though!
8667887
Cool, cool.
Good.
I was a bit worried.
Just a bit.
How long until the other hives catch on to the deception?
Probably not very long at all.
Waking up dead must be nice. At least this way she doesn't have to bother with her duties!
Still don't trust the changelings.
...Even with losing a 'child', that's a suspiciously convenient setup.
Separately, if you don't like the neochangelings, write them out.
8678527
Why write them out when I can make fun of them?
LOL
Holy cow! That was intense!
Now that the critical period is over, they can reveal Flurry Heart's survival to her parents.
The ruse has run its course, and the emotion-sensing assassins will have all felt the genuine grief of her parents.
Her parents can now 'adopt' her. Her being a half-changeling will make it clear that they are not her parents, in spite of them being her parents, and would send a clear message that changelings are not hostis equis generis.
Indeed Thorax (and brother) are apparently the only "moose", so that's not really a fair label. It would be interesting to see what disabilities you write into them from their transformation.
Flurry is actually in a pretty good position, though the possibility of reunion (and meaningful at that) seems very slim.
Keep going! ;)
So if Flurry's publicly dead, what's the game plan? She's...better, now, but still. Does Queen Quartz have a goal besides Flurry's survival? Where do they go from here?
8679356
once Flurry's memories faded to nothing, Fluffy (yes) technically died, and the partial conversion added on...
In my opinion She is as much Flurry Heart now as Yissik was
Might be better to start over and pretend to be a Changeling, help the Quartz Hive take down the other hives and aid them in making peace with the ponies, which also means not attempting to convince them she someone that is no longer (alive)
8680009
I'm not sure I'd go that far. A person is more than just their memories; they're also the mode of thinking that is crafted by their experiences.
8680641
I'm just bringing it to the extreme, which was most interesting for me, but yes there are bits and pieces still lingering, otherwise she wouldn't be crying and feeling wrong at thoughts, ideas, and concepts
and two, she could become her own "Flurrite"~ an idea that just makes me smile
Their hearts seem to be in the right place, at least considering everything we've seen in chapter 1 (there may be some ambiguities). What remains to be seen is if their course of action was the right one. You know, Roads to Hell and all that...
Hooray, an update! It's nice to see progression in the storyline. Some more introspection from Flurry about her circumstance would be great to see in the future - there's a drama tag on this, after all!
Though, I'm still very suspicious of Hive Quarry. Do not trust these bugs.
I think this story now the "dark" tag territory. ;)
I WUV IT
This is a take on the Changling-transformation plot. Flurry gives a great perspective on the society you've imagened (which is also great & unique).
Well written! Likable characters and an anticipated storyline.