• Member Since 25th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Feb 10th, 2022

admiralthunderstorm


In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, God said, Let there be Star Trek!; and there was Star Trek. Then came all the cheap knock-offs of Star Trek; Like Star Wars.- Matthew Ropp

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The story of how thunderstorm refuses to have sex and gets banished for it.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 27 )
Doggi #1 · Sep 25th, 2015 · · 1 · Denial ·

OC Donut Seal: The bajillion year old emosuke sasuke uber rinnegan striped angus pairet. :moustache:


Butt seriously,shame on alicorn OCs and Adonismic wankery.

Translation: Oh look, another self-insert OC with Gary-Stu like qualities and all the females want a piece of him because of the Adonis-like build that he has.

Save us.

I sit at the bar on a bar stool drinking an Applejack Daniels.

"Drinking." I tell her as I show her the almost empty quart bottle of beer.

Wait, when has beer been whiskey? Applejack Daniels (A parody of Jack Daniels, I see what you did there) is supposed to be whiskey, right? RIGHT?

I get home and Celestia is standing in my living room.

" Thunderstorm." She says.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!" I yell at her.

Well... That was unwarranted. All she said was Thunderstorm's name.

" I was just coming to tell you that you are invited to my party but, for yelling at me, you are now forced to be the servant of my sister and abide to her every need." Celestia says.

... Okay what. That's just... What. Sure, Thunderstorm was a dick but... That can't be legal. (Or even in character for Celestia. Are we sure she isn't a changeling? IS THAT A PLOT TWIST?)

" Thank you Tstorm." She said.

I was shocked, nopony's ever called me that before.

Really? Not even once? All throughout his 5170 year life he's been called Thunderstorm?

That's when I vomited.

Just a heads up, I vomit when I get nervous.

Perfectly natural reaction I'm sure.

" THUNDERSTORM! I JUST CLEANED THAT!!!" Celestia yelled.

"Sorry, Celestia." I said.

She scoffed as I walked away.

Has 'Tia ever scoffed? Because I don't remember 'Tia being a stuck up cu-

When I got home, I turned on the TV and sat down in my favorite easy chair.

Going to pretend that this takes place several hundred years after FiM. For my sanity.

"Okay then, I'll tell you why I don't like you. I have to live with everypony else not liking me so its easy to assume you don't either."

Maybe if you didn't vomit when you were nervous and didn't yell at people for saying your name, ponies would like you more...

Luna and I walked out back to my underground hangar and found the best thing I had ever owned, my armored UH-1B, Ol' Ironsides.

For those not in the know, that's a military grade helicopter... Eeyup.

When did Equestria get a hold of HUMAN MILITARY TECHNOLOGY? Hell, WHY does he have a helicopter? You have WINGS! USE 'EM!

" Listen here, Tstorm. I'm horny as hell and you need to do it with me."

Well then. Okay.

My cheeks were redder than the bright red stripes on my nose and chin.

Wait, you have those? That's not what the cover art told me and you never did describe your physical appearance...

:rainbowderp: Yeah, this story is weird. So weird that I've commentated over it. Besides everything I pointed out, you have a space between most of your opening speech marks and the bit of dialog, the story itself is pretty rushed (We don't even get a description of the main character? Who's an OC? For all I knew he was Joe Shmcoe.) and some pretty odd behavior from The Princesses.

:unsuresweetie: It's okay. You're gonna need an editor if this is any indication though. (Not even touching the next chapter though, Sorry.)

6461116

Bruh. Its Donut Steal not Seal.

Okay!

" I was just coming to tell you that you are invited to my party but, for yelling at me, you are now forced to be the servant of my sister and abide to her every need." Celestia says.

That's... That's not.... SHE CANT DO THAT! That means she's a tyrant!

If that's so, Thunderbutt should overthrow her and become king!

... I'm done.

Okay, I must ask: Do you have any editors, prereaders and what do you use to write your stories(paste bin, gdoc, windows word, ect)? I mean no ill will be this, but looking at all your stories and seeing the bad...feedback, and reading it myself. Do you read and edit these yourself, cause you can really use some help, story over all?

Ah, the traditional Donut Steal OC that's also a self insert. How great, don't you think? :eeyup::facehoof:
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mazeshfewk1ruuum2.gif

I ask myself quite often what would happen to a story of mine involving an OC of my own as well if it didn't please most. This is a front runner as to what would've happened to said story.

6461972 Silly user...everyone knows that it's pronounced "DONUT STEEL!"

Donut Steals are becoming more common than Zubats.

And I actually LIKE Zubats. C'mon Donut, you're giving Zubats a bad name!

That was totally incoherent. Just like this story.

6461583
He's very scrawny and nobody except luna likes him because he's too damn angry all the time.

6462066 I really need help.
could you hook me up?

6470296
My initial reply was in regards to your "Wut?" seeing as I had to translate it into layman's terms but to quote 6461607

That's not what the cover art told me and you never did describe your physical appearance...

Add in the fact that you're using a modified horse image from minecrack doesn't help either.

6470342 Well, grammar, you can look in The Writer's Group or The Proofreader Group for help or ask around on Authors helping Authors for an Editor. Though I must say, your story needs more of a overhaul than your grammar do at this moment. Normally I would offer myself to help on that, but I don't know if I can with this one:unsuresweetie:. So try to get a Editor and Proofreader to help, but I must warn you, the editors seem to be on a low amount, so don't be surprise if a few don't respond.

6471167 I understand, can you hook me up with some people that can make me a good image?

6461607 in answering your why does he not use his wings question, when Tstorm was only 12 years of age he got in a fight with Crabble and broke both wings and lost his ability to fly.

6474598 You know, Infomation like that need to be known, pretty early at that.

6474212 To be honest....it still doesn't help your case with what the character is supposed to look like. You say he's scrawny and has red stripes on his muzzle and yet the image is the standard base model of a full-grown and healthy body. One thing that I'm a little bit shocked about is the fact that no one has made mention of the cliched black and red alicorn OC...then again it has been quite a while since I last saw someone complain about it. And before you ask, I don't have an artistic bone anywhere in my body.

You know, this character would be very crack fic worthy material if you ever got around to making one. Unless this is a crack fic, then good job. If it's not a crack fic then it's okay considering since it looks to be only the third story you've ever written so far.

6475545 What exactley is a crack fic?

So... Main, Gary Stu alicorn character refuses to have sex. We have a great plot, people!

(heavy sarcasm)

7363663 you dont have to say anything. i know exactly what youre thinking, its bad.

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