Twilight is a genius that graduated college early. However, after a certain event involving Sirens and Rainbows at a school called Canterlot High, she begins investigating the school. When she believes she can't do it alone, she calls up her old friend Moondancer to help her. What follows is a series of investigations that will leave the two questioning reality itself.
One word: Paragraphs
Most of the time you are doing fine, but I'd really recommend you to break up those large text blocks.
you ought to mmove those large blocks of exposition and have her explaining to Moondancer
This is cool cant wait for the next chapter
6452425 Thank you!
And then they emerged as some horrific siamese Lyra-Bon like creation, a la The Fly and this story goes very dark very quick
Not a bad start so far.
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Whoa...don't worry...that's not gonna happen...
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Didn't think so, but it's a premises that I don't think I've seen explored here. I just couldn't help
suggestingthinking of that as a side effect of two people going through the portal at once.6455543 No. I guarantee that both of them will just be shot out of the portal. It's like when Twilight went in and then Spike. (They'll both be ponies)
this can't be good at all
6472795 This is just the beginning...
6472799 yeah it is
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6472814 Glad you like the story!
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This sentence feels out of perspective. No one who doesn't know the story would ever say something like that.
6491091 I don't know how else to phrase it.
This is starting to get good.
6493570 Thanks!
At the beginning of the story, it stated that Twilight had PhDs in both science and chemistry. There's just one problem... or two, as the case may be. Chemistry is a branch of science- and I'm pretty sure you cant have a PhD in just straight science, as there is a ridiculous amount of different branches. There are even subbranches in those branches! In short- I would appreciate if you could take a look at that statement and its accuracy. Thank you, and have a nice day!
6520430 I kept it vague for the story. Sorry.
I love the concept for this story. I really wish there was more known human characters cross over to Equestria stories on here. I especially love that its Twilight and Moondancer that cross over two of my favorite characters. I think you are doing a fine job with characterization so far and very much look forward to more of this story. Thank you!
6907769 Thank you! I'm trying to get the next chapter going but...let's just say I keep writing myself into a corner. Hopefully I can get another out soon!