- Member Since 31st Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 7th, 2023
Super57
Always gonna love Aj. Im just a silly guy. Hope to be friends with anyone who wants to be mine. if not, that's still fine. Just enjoy your life for yourself K?
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Super57 · 8.2k words · 29 8 · 579 views
- Super57 · 8k words · 29 22 · 882 views
- TheBassMonsterRemix18 · 3.5k words · 12 9 · 302 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.112 seconds
Total duration
947 users online
250,002 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Interesting story. Hope to see more of it. So far, I like the characters.
6318832 Thank you.
6318832 I'm glad you like it!
6318934 Damn. Jack's in for a interesting time.hint hint
6319209
Is the story going to be rated Mature later?
Yeah, this is exceptionally poor. The character's bland (he's taking the whole talking, sapient pony thing rather god-damned well), we don't know anything about him, the story's cliched down to the forced-as-fuck romance between him and Jane and the instant befriending of the Mane 6. Ugh, this was just laborious to read.
6321280 He hasn't learned yet.
6320504 At the top right corner of your browser screen, you'll see a red X. Click that, and all the nasty futa stuff will disappear!
6321280 He's not friends with them?
He's actually kinda terrified.
Bland?
I guess I need to express more. Thanks :)
6321335 Maybe I did learn and I'm just trying to figure out how to do it right
6321457 I know that if your here, this story is pretty much worthless time.
But it'll get better, trust me.
6320504 You know you have a gulity pleasure too my friend, and all I could know about it is tentacles with how your avatar is Venom from Spiderman XD
6322225 Thank you for the support
6319763 Yes it is.
6322462
Then why rate it Teen? Trying to give it popularity?
6322467 Yes. Cause I know people don't see it when it's rated mature.
So make it teen for a while, and then when it gets into the more *strange* stuff, I'll mature it
6322471
Please, from what I've seen as well as from experience and intuition, about 85% of the users here will see or write Mature stories, including under aged users. I won't deny that I seen things when I was 8 years old. (Shrugs)
It's just how our generation is nowadays.
6322480 That's kinda sad.
Oh well, it's mature now
6320504 I agree. Futa is absolutely disgusting.
6324564
I always felt that those who were into futa were really confused about their sexuality. But I don't feel that's enough to hate this story,
No. You should hate it because it's poorly written, has no real characterization. After 13 stories I would have hoped the author would have learned a few things.
6325020 .............God dammit I hate myself -_-
6325020 I did learn though....
Am I just not expressing enough? Taking my time? Showing how serious or good it is? I mean, I made more stories then 13. You wonder why I deleted some of mine?
Because I just don't know if it's worth doing when I start getting comments that say I didn't learn shit, when I've been here for a looonnnnggg time and I do know things.
Like, I know people have their own opinions. And that really helps me think about what I need to fix on from the negative comments, and the comments saying that it's bland or very unfeeling like, means I just got to do better and just show some more expressiveness in the story.
You see, I do know stuff. So don't think that me being here for almost 10 months, having done almost 17 stories through my life, that I have not learn nothing.
Because I have. Not being mean or a dick, just letting you know that I have learned a lot of things
6325232
I'll be honest but I haven't read any of your other stories so really I don't know if you've improved or not. For all I know it might be true. Or it might be nothing but lies. But I'm not going to go on about that because nobody really cares. No. we'll deal with these things one at a time.
Oh no. You're expressing yourself but it's not exactly well. Let's take the first little bit shall we?
This is schizophrenic writing if I ever read it. Let's break it down.
Who the hell is "he" and why is he talking to himself? We haven't been introduced to this man. He hasn't been mentioned and yet he's already been referred to as "he". Bad writing. Set it up. If you're going to refer to him as "he" you need to establish who this person is first.
Next you need to ask yourself why is he talking to himself? Most people don't do this and don't actually speak to themselves in complete sentences. This can easily be changed by internalizing the dialogue but don't go too far and only have him internalize. As this is written in third person don't forget you have the omniscient narrator able to tell us what is going on. But be careful this this. Show, don't tell. Build the story using the power of the narrator but don't turn it into an exposition dump.
We'll get to the third part of this little problem in a bit.
Redundancy is redundant. You're also messing with the tenses and this could have worked better at the start with a little work. But we'll take this one step at a time.
Unless the omniscient narrator is speaking for the benefit of people listening, I'd get rid of the "has" and change this up a bit so it doesn't sound so... radio drama-ish.
So he's standing on a featureless plane? There has to be something around him unless he's literally standing on a white space surrounded with more whiteness as far as the eye can see. I know what you're trying to say here but it's coming out a little strangely.
Yeah. We get it. This could have been taken care of already. And if he's in the middle of a street he'd actually be in a city of sorts. A street outside of a city with nothing else around it is a road. A minor nitpick I'll admit but it's part of a larger nitpick namely is he's in the middle of a road he's not really in the middle of nothing now is he? He's on a road. That's something as is the grass all around him. So stop calling it nothing when there's obviously something. Specify what kind of nothing he's not seeing.
Again the talking to himself for no reason and the third thing I wanted to point out. Can you spot the difference here?
Why is he afraid to say "motherfucker" when he swears in literally his next breath? Consistency. It's part of characterization which Jacky-boy here is missing.
Is that last part really necessary? "Out of his mind" could be dropped and the sentence wouldn't suffer for it.
This is literally only the first three lines and we're not done by a long shot.
The next bit involves him checking himself and you feeling the need to tell everybody that he checked himself. Why? Is saying "he checked to make sure everything was still with him" too easy and you had to have him check off every bit of his inventory that he could including the need to stress he checked if his dick was still in his pants. Is this a problem with him? Does his dick manage to detach itself from his body on regular intervals when he's not paying attention? Or can we imply that he's really attached to it and it's the only part of him that he actually cares about. Personally I'd be more concerned that I could still walk and wasn't bleeding profusely before making sure I still had the frank and beans in my pants.
Then he has to narrate every. single. thing. that. he. does. Do you do this on a regular basis? When you're walking down the street do you see a sign and say out loud, "oh there's a sign! I wonder what it says?" Then go over to the sign and read it? Out loud? Then comment on what you've just read? If you do I suggest you speak with a mental health professional and get yourself checked out.
The rest of this is just the same shit over and over again. We deal with anthro ponies, they're all girls, can't tell that he's a male although they all think he's cute so we all know where this is leading. Rape, or at least that's how this virgin is acting. He's got hot women, which he admits are hot, practically throwing themselves at him and he's acting like they're the ickiest things in the world. Sure it doesn't mean he had to immediately get down and dirty with them but the whole "I'm a scared virgin" thing really isn't runny.
And of course all the hot sexy ponies are packing large, swinging, dicks. So this begs the question why the need for a colt-toy if all the girls have penises. I would assume they're hermaphrodites of some sort but that's not really that big a deal. No, the fact that there's going to be romance between the virgin and some futa pony really makes me need to ask, are you sure you're not gay? I don't care if you are but any guy that wants a woman to have both a vagina and penis is very much fooling himself if he insists he's straight. I'll accept bi and maybe in that case it's the best of both worlds but if this virgin freaks out over it then learns to love it later I think you've got issues that you're going to need to work through.
6326366 Thank you. This actually means a lot to me that you actually said this. And yes, I was being redundant and doing some of this shit on purpose.
Like that talking outloud thing? Yeah, purposefully.
And the check to make sure if he has everything is because he thought he might not be on his homeworld anymore, and he thought he might've changed into something that wasn't him.
Also, the many incomplete stupid stuff I did here. Was for fun. I mean, it is just the prolouge which I know is the most important chapter of all since that's where you meet the main character of the story. I have to admit, Jack like this is dumb on my part, and I am actually thinking about rewriting it.
So yeah, all of this stuff will be fixed and explained in the later chapters. Like for one, why a colt-boy is needed on a world of mares with dicks. Well, They can't reproduce unless the futa-mares did masturbation and sent it to a sperm hospital or something.
And the thing about Jack cussing even though he didn't on the first line, was because he didn't want to cuss in front of a possible child or little kid. Because his eyes were closed and he didn't know about the empty thing till he opened his eyes, and that's when he cussed.
There are many reasons to why, and many answers I can give. But right now, I'm just explaining the important parts you made.
And now that I did, I just wanted to say thank you for letting me know.
And that you actually posted this.
Really, thanks
6321457 Blow me ass-wipe.
6322225 Maybe I will, once shit like this disappears.
I see that Absolutely Disgusting group mention for this and I couldn't agree more with that decision nor the Overly Stupid mention as well.
6328252 I feel so bad, I just want people to know that I only made this for fun and enjoyment.
So if you like it or dislike it doesn't matter to me, just don't be such a dick about it you know?
6328196
remingtonproducts.com/~/media/Images/Remington/WomensProducts/HairCare/HairDryers/d5015bprd2.ashx
Okay, now what?
6328908
6326518
That's not an answer. I've checked over half a dozen stories and you have a habit of doing this. If I can make a suggestion? Stop it. It's not funny and neither are you.
Right because that's totally the first thing somebody would think of if they woke up by a road in the middle of nowhere, "oh wow I must be on another planet! Better check inside my pants and still make sure I have a package!"
I get that you're probably trying to be funny but so far it's just tedious. You need actual jokes as well as a setup for it to be funny. Simply being goofy is not the same thing.
That's no excuse. Just becase it's a prologue doesn't mean you can get away with just writing shit and hoping that it works. Besides, this is not a prologue. It's the first chapter. A prologue would be a short little chapter to get us introduced to the character and possibly why he winds up in Equestria.
You do understand how biology works right? If cumming into a cup works then it should work by her cumming into another mare. Why not make it easier on yourself and say that these mares can only produce other mares who just so happen to have dicks? Why go through all the trouble of coming up with a fantastic way that they get pregnant and simply use something easier?
You do realize that by the first grade a child has probably heard worse than that in the schoolyard right? And again, why immediately think there was a child there. Just be honest with me. You didn't give any of this much thought before slapping it down on the page.
And again, what's with the fascination with futa? Just about every story you've written involves this so it's gotta be an interest of yours.
6329866 Your right.
Not really.
You know what?
I'm just gonna type thanks for your opinion and thoughts.
Because I just can't explain why, all that I can say is that I'm just being me. Like how your being yourself.
So really, thank you for the info and questions and opinions in your mind.
Now I need to go and enjoy writing my story, because everyone enjoys writing their stories.
*shrugs*
6330012
Well if you can't explain why, then you're doing a disservice to your readers.
But if you don't want to explain yourself which I feel is the actual reason you've been so cagey then there's nothing I can do than make up my own mind as to your reasons.
Enjoy.
6330159 That is true.
I'm sorry if I didn't reach your accomplishments or whatever.
Just happy to know that you gave me your opinions and all that.
And don't worry, stories of mine will be developed better and not have this fetish.
When I put the fetish in a story, it's just because I wanted to.
But half of my stories I can say without a doubt doesn't have futa.
The only ones that have it is FNASC, this one, and one other one
Didn't think you would go as far as making Dark Celestia.
Honestly, futanari isn't really much of a turn-on for me, but I'll still read anyway.
Princess Celestia is best pony.
6351786 Don't worry, Celestia will be redeemed. I promise :)
6352339
Will there be a chance that using magic, they can rid the mares' cocks before Jack goes to town with them?
6352528
Maybe......
yo man keep on going on this story i like it
6353253 Kay *smiles*
6352625
Well then. I might be able to stick to this story then after all. Besides, I asked because I don't think Jack would be comfortable with a mare's penis slapping him on the face while getting getting bounced on.
6354108 Anything is possible.
Why do you think this story is named anything can happen hm?
6354131
Point taken.
6354771 Good XD
6354786 No fair jack gets to be in there dimension
And...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=myPE6diwGoY
6395810 *laughs*
Just curious, but are you still working on this story
7256139 Yes i am! In fact, it's still being worked on.
My co author just likes being lazy and not wanting to do it. XD