(I'm back,and I will start working again)
If you're raised in America, Europe, or any country that has outlawed slavery, then you gain a strong hate to the word itself.
But, when you're dropped into a situation where your life, and the lives of your closest friends, are being weighed against the freedom of others from another world, you have to make a choice between your own safety and the morals you hold.
Dennis, Viper, Britt, Emily and a couple of Marines...in a world dominated by Female Anthropological Horses, that enslaved all the males of their species and others.
With nothing to lose, how much can you give?
Chapters (4)
What?
chosen/10
Also, you're missing an end quotation there, friend. Here, just borrow mine: ".
That was one hell of a summary but your execusion was sloppy. What you really need is an editor as I'm sure you already know.
Oh yeah, the past tense of light is lit.
6186758
Thank you for reading. I also just got an editor and will have a rewritten version up soon.
6185732
Yes it isn't very clear in that moment, but all around him is black nothingness, however if he looks down, he can see himself clearly.
6187183 Just those simple words and my pants have been flooded with excrement.
6188511
Ok ok, don't ruin your pants.
MOAR PLS
I kinda wanted to see there reactions about male slavery
6199226
Don't worry. The back flash was only of their time in the Everfree, the next chapter will start with a back flash of them scouting around Dodge city, and fallowing the two stallions and saving them.
I hope the story it self is good so far.
why so many dislikes?
6201383
I don't think its for the story idea itself. I think they are the people that look for either grammar errors, spelling, and stuff of that sort. But I know more of you like the story because of its actual story.
New chapter coming within the week.
When is the next chapter?
6278850
Bit of "Writers Block" at the moment.
However, If anyone would like their OC/OCs to appear in the story then message me the name and description in the story.
Must have more chapters
6307256 Trying hard guys. It's getting tricky with how I rushed this much of the story already.
6307468 don't worry about it just take your time
I bit of good news though...
I'm going back to High School on Wednesday. It might make progress slow, or It might be the motivator I need. I will be taking Creative Writing classes and others like that.
I like this. you must write more good sir.
6391144 The positive feedback is coming in. My weekend is cleared, so I will have a new chapter up either Sunday or Monday.
And Cheers to you good sir.
I have a little bad news guys. I told you that with High School coming back around, I would have a creative writing class to help me make this story better for you guys. But It would seem that I have to wait till the next semester (half of school. 90 DAYS!!!) till I can trade the brutal gym for creative writing.
P.S. call the Toilet the Gym. It sounds better when you tell people "I go to the Gym every day."
We have seen that this story have a connection with my curiosity and interest, though 90 days? Damn, that'll take like 2160 hours till more chapters.
But we shall wait.... we shall....
Grammatical errors in title 11/10 would read
Yay! Soon, there will be a huge technological boom in the Badlands!
... I hope...
6695517 I have no way to update the story for now. Also, I'm stuck on how to finish off the flashback part. The time after their walk to the moment they rescue them.
I still left them hours blank.
But what I plan is they arm the Changelings with the captured weapons they have.
Rescued Colts and Stallions could possibly be added to the forming army. And Unicorns magic will attempt to duplicate their ammo and weapons.
Maybe not the vehicles.
6696142 KILL ALL THE ENSLAVING HERETICS!!!
6696183 well...that's one way to do it.
6701056 No, it's the only way.
I am in fact working on a chapter. I just wanted to ask a question to the 13 thumbs down people.
Is it the grammar or the story?
If its the grammar, I can fix it.
If its the story, please tell me what you did not like about the story. I want the feedback.
Well, the genre is not necessarily my cup of tea, but I noticed you asked for criticism, so here goes.
The story starts with a lot of exposition, which you could definitely cut back on. You don't need to name every single character. In fact, I just glanced at the first few paragraphs, immediately forgetting who any of them were. Introduce characters one at a time, and focus on the important ones. It's fine to have nameless extras in there. In the same vein, try to cut back on the military jargon. Avoid abbreviations, and you don't have to specify which gun each character uses. Focus on the stuff that's actually relevant to the story. Also, remember that using a real world conflict as a basis for fanfiction can be offensive to some. I'm not saying you can't do it, but it's probably the cause of some of your downvotes.
On the pony side of thing, the characters seemed out of character to me. Why would the main 6 condone slavery? Maybe creating a situation that's closer to what we know from the show would help. If you want to create a dystopia, I would recomment moving away from canon characters at first. Let the reader wonder why Equestria is this way, rather than why the main characters are suddenly acting like villains. Just like the first scene, you also had too many characters in there, making it confusing. Stick to what's necessary.
On the technical side, there is work to be done. The story starts in the present tense and switches to past soon after. I'm also not a fan of switching narrators. I don't think using first person is warranted here. You switched to first person in the second half, and I didn't feel like I was getting the story from your protagonist's pov. First person narration is used when you want the skewed perception of a single character. It's also often bad form to switch between multiple first person povs. This is just my quick first impression, but if you can get a good editor, it would probably help.
I hope this helps.
7034336 I appreciate all forms of criticism, especially because I take it to heart to help better my writing.
The only topic that you addressed that I can tackle is the naming of characters and specifying them.
I want to try and give the reader the characters exactly how I intended them. Usually when reading I find characters in a story, think of them a particular way, and then find that they were intended to be read a different way (I think that makes sense?), and I have to go back and re-read ( by choice) but with a different perspective of the character.
Also, I am introducing them now, because I want them all to be major roles later on.
Also, the mane six are not the canon to the show, and basically run off of the personalities and feelings of most Mane Six interpretations in this genre.
To anyone else who reads this, I will be putting it in the stories description, the story will start back up during the summer.
Slacking in school has ruined my free time.
7037464
I get you, but I think what you need to do is show, rather then tell. Give your characters a chance to shine and show the reader who they are. People will remember them better if they can associate them with specific actions or affiliations. Also, fan interpretation is always a thing. You can specify a few things, but the reader will always interpret the character in their own way. It's part of the beauty of writing that it sparks the imagination, rather than specifying every detail.
As for the mane 6, it's generally considered good form to stay true to the established personality of a canon character when using their name. Again, it's your story, but when you write about Twilight Sparkle, for example, your readers will expect the Twilight they know and love.
7039493 Not if they are continuous readers of this genre. Twilight, in this genre of fanfics, is usually demanding and blunt. For people just entering this genre (such as yourself), it will (not my story particularly) change your way of viewing the show.
You thought you would never watch it the same after discovering clop?
Just wait until you delve deeper into stories with a premise like this one...
Slavery is none existent in the show (unless you consider Sombra and the Crystal Empire) so it is a blank template to work with, allowing writers to plunge it into its most sinister form from the start.
7040466
Eh, fair enough. I guess there's this whole sub-genre I knew nothing about, lol. One thing I will give this fandom, there's definitely a wide variety of creative genres.
7040699 The creativity of this fandom is mind blowing.
narration soon maybe.
Btw
*You're
7073827 OH MY GOD IT'S YOU!
I am a fan of your work.
7073959 It's always nice to meet a fan.
If you EVER get back to this then they're going to regret enslaving males.
7439640 You have no idea how bad I want to make the next chapter. Half is done but just kinda sighting there. I will try and get back to it.
7439677 I really want to see more of this, there was one other on here I saw but it was more than obviously abandoned. This is the kind of thrill I want to see complete as well as Karma pimp-slapping the mares for their greed and arrogance.
7439700 i will be honest, this story is not entirly original (human slavery/humans and slavery/slavery in equis are pretty much catagories at this point), but I read one of two guys and woman from different backgrounds, maybe even different worlds, being sent to a male enslaves equis to set it free.
This story is a tribute to that, as it was cancealed a few years back.
7439927 I and a lot others love it, that originality crap is outdated. Just an excuse for the politically correct whiners to screech at ya.
7440046 Ain't that that Luna damn truth (Luna Is my deity, Hail New Lunar Empire)
7442707 I do like her better, not just because she knows how to rule but also because of her militant style as well, plus I always found myself more of a "night" person.
Far more peaceful.
7444062 I found some writer drive tonight and will work, but i will message you a spoiler if you wish (many chapters a head type spoiler)
7445103 If your on it now then keep it secret until it's finished, I'm not one for spoilers anymore.
7446194 admirable
fucking finally we thought you were dead or gave up on this entirely. now back to the subject on hand good chapter and hope to read many more in the future.
7448021 Especially for this one.
I like it though the length of the chapters can be a bit longer. still I hope you continue to update this story and continue it. also first!