• Member Since 13th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Jan 17th, 2017

FIREDRA6ON


T
Source

Halo Crossover
Lima-030 is a Spartan III code named Dragon. He is sent on a mission with the objective to extract information from an Elite corvette and then terminate the ship. He does just that and winds up on Equestria of which he has no knowledge of up to this point. He also finds himself not just on an unknown planet, he has magically become the planet's native species, a pony. He wasn't the only one to survive the destruction of the Covenant vessel, a large group of ponified Elites appear upon Equestria's surface.

This story was started fall of 2011 shortly after I had become a brony. At the time, I had only seen about half of season 1 so anything that is wrong about the characters used are most likely due to this. I wrote the first chapter and part of the second chapter in a month and then stopped for what ever reason. I then continued and have about three or four chapters done by February. I didn't write everyday, just when I had an idea or was in the mood. I hadn't got around to posting any of the chapters before because I was busy and hadn't gotten around to it. The main character Dragon is a character I had originally created for a project I might get to called The Last Spartans. Basically, he is an experimental Spartan III that had augmentations that made him impervious to many human weapons and other things. The down side was that it messed with his mind causing him to have hallucination and made him destroy the wrong people and objects. To try and repair him, the UNSC scientists restricted his memories and emotions. He forgot his original name, his parents and younger brother, and when he rarely feels emotion, his anger is spiked to dangerous levels followed by sadness and pain.

This is my first fanfiction and I would like to know what things I could improve on. Also I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 45 )
T4

*clicks thing* I guess I'll give it a shot *gets derpy with maintenance message* .......Huh?

this is halarious keep it going also on a more serious note i didnt find any mistakes but i do kinda wonder shouldnt dragons mannerisms still be kind of human rather than immediately swiching to the pony vernacular or is he supposed to be able to swich so fast also i thought rainbow dash would be freaking out over the weapons Grte was pulling out of the banshee? that is all otherwise good story hope the critique is well accepted.:twilightsmile:

This is pretty good. I expect more from you. Please?

495873 I've got some editing to do for part two and then I should release it. :ajsmug:

495873
721230
Just wanted you to know that I have a blog entry that explains why it has been so long since I last updated The Fire of a Spartan. Also, if you want you could tell me what you think of the story idea I have there. :pinkiehappy:

739217
where is the blog? :rainbowhuh: also i think by my first statement expresses how much i like the story :twilightsheepish: and finally... sure i wouldn't mind helping a fellow brony :twilightsmile: send me a link

263202 i think you mean a covenant "phantom"

742156
Well what I mean by blog is the journal entry thing on fimfiction that you can find on my account here. I guess I should have worded it a little better. Oh well!:derpytongue2:

743721 i think that... there being a covenant ship and all... wouldn't there be a small group of them that had already been flying off of the ship BEFORE it blew up??? 'hint hint' :trixieshiftright::scootangel:

751923 I never said there weren't any other survivors. I'll probably add a chapter today and you'll get a better understanding on IF there were any survivors.:twilightsmile:

This chapter confused me

cool story bro :twilightsmile:
keep this up

Hmm, so far I'm liking this. I especially like the addition of a Heretic befriending the Spartan.:twilightsmile:

Edit with update:

Applejack seemed confused, "Armor?"

Really? Applejack doesn't know what armour is? Even though the royal guards wear armour... :ajbemused:

927292
I've always been a fan of GB stories so I decided to incorporate it into this story. :twilightsmile:

933756 I too am a huge fan of those stories, so thank you good sir/madam.:rainbowkiss:

Wow...thanks for saying that about me... so much. :pinkiesad2:

*sniffs* Anyway... on a more critical side, I enjoyed this chapter. The action was really well done and I liked the story advancements. If there was any problems I'd say the Elites are too cowardly. They're an honor based race so I don't see them being so quick to give up information.

Also, it'll be interesting to see why these Elites are ponies but the hectic is not. :twilightsmile:

Awesome fight scene, but you have a block of text that needs fixing.

I'm surprised they didn't force a human tag upon you, but whatever, I'll read it, like it, et cetera.

2118334
Well technically, it's only human for not even a third of the first chapter, so it would be redundant to have a human tag, at least in my opinion.
2115299
Yeah, there kinda is a wall of text, I'll get to it eventually, I want to first fix up the previous chapters, maybe make them less confusing to read.
2115172
You're welcome :twilightsmile: and yeah, I did make them seem cowardly didn't I? When I finish fixing Chapter 1 and 2, I attempt to fix it. I hadn't played Halo in a while so I forgot about how much the Elites are honor-driven.

As for the heretic, I'll explain in more detail in upcoming chapters, but for now, let's just say that since the Phantom was meant to fly through space, it could probably block out certain elements. Oh, and the way I see it, Equestia is so magic heavy, that the atmosphere contains magic particles, or you could just say, there's magic in the air.

Okay, I didn't read much, but what i did read, makes no sense. First of all, Spartans have names. The only time they have code names is within an imminent threat or during battle, an example being John (Sierra-117). Even then, they don't use them. This is exampled within almost every Halo book and game, Kurt being called Kurt, Linda called Linda, even the Spartan-III's Tom and Lucy. Second, when given code names, they follow the Army Alphabet. S being Sierra, which, again, John used. If your Spartan's 'code name' were to start with D, then it would be Delta-030. That brings us to a third. He can't be Spartan-L030, the L implies he was part of a different company. There is only one company in the SPARTAN-II program. By putting the L in there, you have officially made him part of the SPARTAN-III program. Fourth, obviously, this is set before the Fall of Reach. There was VERY few heretics before this time period, and what few there were, the UNSC had no idea about. The only two known non-violent human/covenant interaction before Reach's downfall was the first 20 minutes of Harvest with Sgt. Johnson and the Jiralhanae (brutes) and the other was with The Rubble and a bunch of Kig-Yar (jackles). I could go on about how un-canon this is, but lets check out the story itself.

Shall we start with the back-story? Oh, Batman must have been here, cause its gone. He must've been like, 'Hey guys, ima cut off the portion just before he gets there. Hope ya dont mind!'. Really. Take a look at it. Suddenly, a random Spartan drives through space with a banshee supposedly made for planetary use, which means the Spartan and banshee would literally IMPLODE. Part 2, our Spartan comes across the scary heavily armored Corvette, and holy-hell, its entirely empty. Save one fuckin grunt. Batman must've cleaned up behind him. Part 3, an Elite that was sent by THE Dr. Halsey manages to find him in one room out of the entire bloody ship. Let me tell you, Dr. Halsey may have created the SPARTAN's, but she doesnt command them. That would be ONI. Part 4, he hacks into a computer undoubtedly controlled by a covenant AI, the best known AI's to human kind, and gets off with no trouble. Part 5, Corvette hits hyper space and for some fucking reason loses power. Part 6, they fly a phantom down to Equestria, and even though he has a Pressurized Suit, he goes unconscious. Let me tell you, a Spartan can go through atmosphere with no ship, just him/her and his/her armor, and survive with barely a scratch. Oh, and not go unconscious.

I do have to say, you have just about the worst and most un-canon storyline of any Halo/MLP fanfic I've read. Believe me, I can go on, there are more things wrong with this. But I'm gonna stop here. For some reason, people seem to like it. Despite how un-original and cliche this is, you must've done something right. I myself can't say it has potential, mainly because of how used this specific plot (Spartan OC crashes somewhere close to Ponyville, immediately becomes friends, etc) is. Nothing about it was new, untouched, crystalline. Of all the places on Equestria, every damn Spartan/ODST lands in the Everfree or near Ponyville.

Now, don't delete this comment and say I'm being a jerk. I have no intentions here. Being a writer myself, I would NEVER discourage somebody from writing. But you need some work. You do good with putting time into your chapters, a good 5000 per chapter. But all I've seen is everything I've seen before. It doesn't catch my eye or anything. And, again, i have not read much, so that might change as one goes through. But... that starting. It makes no sense and doesn't explain anything. It definitely needs to be revised.

This is all my opinion, but it is here to help.

2119484
Yeah, your response is completely understandable. I'd like to first tell you a few things as to why I screwed up so much on the canon of the Halo Universe. 1. I've only played the games, read a few fanfiction that were written by people who seriously know their stuff, and read the Fall of Reach.
2. I started this at like 6 in the morning and had casually written it over the span of a few months.
3. I'm only 15 years old, don't expect me to write a Nobel winning book
4. I had not done anything with it since I made the second chapter back in June
5. Writing has never been my strong-suit, I'm more of someone who likes to draw than write

Thanks to your quite helpful (and kind of mean) review, I have a better understanding of my mistakes. I had not read any other Halo crossovers before so I didn't know about the stereotype starting of mine. Oh, and I don't think I made it really clear on the banshee he's on in the beginning, it's one of the space banshees, you know the ones in the space mission in Halo Reach? I should probably fix that as well, as to give a better understanding.

I'm actually glad that someone actually took the effort to attempt at helping me (even if it was a bit of a cruel way, well that's life I guess). I had felt that this story of mine was quite poorly written, I would get people to help me on the lore, but all my friends who like Halo, aren't at all interested in the universe, just the gameplay. So with your improvements you suggested, I'd like to point out that I meant for him to be a Spartan III, but I accidentally put him down as a Spartan II, which he clearly cannot be for he is Lima-030. Also, he does have a name, His original name is Drake, but since he doesn't remember it and know one knows about it, he was assigned Dragon. I have not much idea for how I'm going to implement how the Corvette loses power, but you got a point there. The reason there's even a heretic in the first place is solely because I wanted Dragon to have some kind of ally and that I couldn't think of any other way to implement that. I'll try to figure a way to make the Elite fit better, and probably just remove his involvement with Dr. Halsey and ONI altogether. It was probably a stupid idea to have even written about him being directly under control of humans. The reason that he ends up in Ponyville is purely because when I had written it, I only knew of the Mane 6 enough to even write about them, I hadn't known of any of the background characters or any other town except Canterlot, but I knew very little. Yeah, it's cliche, having an OC meet only the Mane 6 when there are tons of other ponies I could have chosen.

Now that I think about it, the Corvette was surprisingly empty, I had written it as to try to make Dragon have a sneaky scene there, but I'll add much more Covenant in to make it more realistic. I plan to have a pretty large re edit of the chapters, maybe even rewriting it all together, but you're right, I majorly screwed up the whole Halo Universe.

If you were here to help me, than I'd say mission accomplished, but if you just wanted to say how bad it is, at least you didn't just say it sucked with no constructive criticism. When I had first posted it, I expected more dislikes than there were, but it was liked by quite a few so I continued in the same fashion. I was not expecting someone to write a review like that, (or even one at all) but it is an extremely necessary one. So I thank you Internet person for taking your time to show what needs improvement, (even though it all needs improvement).

You might want to go through your chapter and do some editing such as indentation and spacing between paragraphs (your readers will love you for it).
Another thing would be to rethink some of your chapter sentencing such as:
""Go!" Grte shouted. Dragon turned back around and used his knowledge of driving a Phantom to lift it up off the hanger floor. He space locked the door and lift entrances; then fired up the accelerators and flew out if the hanger. He then located the planet similar to Earth and headed straight for it. Grte then detonated the bomb. He could see the center of the corvette light up as it started to explode."

This paragraph is broken up and some of the sentences could be combined or added to it (they need to flow). I myself didn't care for the writing style but that is just me others have a different opinion from what I can see. I would suggest you get yourself some editors or have them go through it a little more.

Though I may be talking bad about your work, I do encourage you to keep writing.

I'm really gonna laugh when celestia or the guards chops their own heads off.

Hmm, this chapter was good, but I do have a few issues. Mainly that two fillies are able to do all these things; don't you think that's maybe pushing our extension of disbelief a little too far? Also, at the end, would Celestia really just sit there while Dragon is bleeding to death? Seems a little out of character.

Besides these points, I still found myself liking the chapter.

Dragon... why do spartans always push themselves to breaking point, they need to learn that if they are too injured they will become a liability... :derpytongue2:

2254388
Well, the fact that I have Dinky do so much is for two reasons, 1. I couldn't come up with anything else for those parts without the whole Elite hideout hearing or seeing Dragon as he makes his escape. 2. Dinky's a unicorn, technically she can do anything with magic.
Also about Princess Celestia just staring down at him as he was bleeding without helping him is because she was still in slight shock, and because Dragon passes out before she has Dragon brought to the ER.
Also, I have spring break coming up in a few weeks, so during that time I'm probably going to go through and fix errors and some of the mistakes you've pointed out to me.(Although some are pretty obvious, I'm surprised I didn't see them, such as Applejack not knowing what armor is, probably going to change that. Well to be fair, I did write that part before I knew much about the show, I was like 2 or 3 episodes into Season 1 at the time, oh well.:derpytongue2:)
2254554
I'm not sure about the other Spartans, but Dragon just so happens to be quite stubborn and likes doing things on his own, so he often pushes himself too far, but then again, he did have futuristic Mark V armor with a built-in mini force shield, so he generally had some sort of protection. Now he's much more open to injury, and his stubbornness could be his downfall., either through death, or some other form.

2258041 Dinkie is still a filly, so her magical abilities shouldn't be quite as advanced as you're making them to be. Also, how incompident are these Elites to allow two small fillies to sneak into their base without their knowledge? That's what I was trying to address, that two children being able to sneak into a base filled with veteran warriors who are guarding a high security prisoner is such a forced way to free Dragon.

And on Celestia, shock or not she would still help out an injured creature before playing 20 questions with it. It's called prioritizing.

2258115
I dun screwed up again, sometimes I write a part of a story, then go back and think, "This doesn't really make sense, and I have no idea how to fix it, seems like I'll just have to leave it how it is." I still don't know what else to do at that part, so until myself or someone else has a better way of how that part plays out, it's just going to have to be a weak section of the plot. I mean I have a few ideas for how I could change it. I could just have Dragon escape on his own and remove the fillies altogether, actually, that might work. Although I may have to have more violence, but I think I can do that. For now I'm going to keep this chapter up how it is, and I'll add this version in when I get it done. What do you think? Should I keep the fillies in and explain how they got in and perhaps limit their powers? Or do you think I should go with the new idea I just had? Kinda funny because it just came to me out of the blue.

2258215 If you think the idea will work, then do it. But yes, I say get rid of the fillies.

2258228
Yeah, I don't really remember why I had them in there in the first place, it was probably due to the fact that I had writer's block and couldn't think of how to continue. Well now I do, so that's a good thing. You've quite helpful with my story, some of the thing you point out are so obvious, I mean how would two young fillies get past aliens known for their cruelty and violence? How did I not notice that before? This is a major derp moment for me :derpytongue2:.

2258294 Please, just promise me you won't do anything like this again? I like your story, I want it to succeed. Please go over your ideas more often before publishing. :fluttershysad:

2258390
Hopefully I won't write any more illogical stuff in the future, I have a proof reader now (yay:yay:), so that should help eliminate weak points in the plot.

2258480 OK, I re-read the chapter and I enjoy the changes you made to how Dragon escaped. However, I still do not like how Celestia questions her while it's clear she's succumbing to her injuries - which seemed to take quite a while to take affect, might I add. To me, Celestia seems the type who would first heal her ponies before questioning them.

3006927
Whoops, i forgot to change how Celestia acts and talks. I was going to do that but I forgot for some reason. Derp:derpytongue2:

Also I'm glad you liked the changes, and I think they are quite an improvement to what I originally had. When I had started writing this chapter for the first time, I didn't know what to do and for some reason, the fillies popped into my mind, oh well, it's better now. :yay:

3006927
Alright, so it is a quick simple change, but if you look at the end you'll see I changed it up a bit, hopefully it'll seem more like what Celestia would do.
Are you happy now?! :flutterrage: I'm just kidding, don't be mad at me.

This chapter was good. Really, my only issue was that it felt rushed, particularly at the bit with Luna, which should have been fleshed out more.

3480723
Yeah, I guess it does feel rushed, I just kind of wanted to get this chapter out after my incredibly long hiatus. I'll go back through and add onto this chapter, specifically the dream section.

Apparently this is a GB story, which is enough reason for me to want to at least try reading it. But it also appears to be dead so... oh well.

NOOOOOOOO
YOU
CANT
JUST
END
IT
HERE

This was such a good story so far..........
Pls make more?

Go through and get a professional editor to re-write this please.

...Aren't bubbles, like, so pretty?...

...

The fuck?

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