Ambush and Meetings
{Nobody's POV}
Driving along a cleared route in Pakistan is a small convoy of a M1025 Humvee and a M35 2½ ton cargo truck. There are only 10 Marines to travel in the two vehicles and protect it's content of captured weapons and ammo, but these roads have been cleared and are patrolled constantly so there is really no need for any of them other then the drivers. The Humvee is occupied by the driver Capt. Dennis Maore, 50 cal. gunner Sgt. Emily Jennings, left front seat gunman LCpL. Devin Ebert, back seat left gunman PFC. Nick Norten, Right back seat gunman PFC. Bree Corbin, and center backseat is Pvt. Michael Cormick. The Truck is driven by Sgt. Brittney "Britt" Ozzemin, passenger is 1stLt. Marcelino "Viper" Luciano, and in the back with the cargo is Pvt. George Alvarez and PFC. Christian Alvarado. That was the only information shared between these 10 soldiers as this was their first mission together an none thought it was need to start sharing personal information. For the last two hours of their drive, not a single one had tried sparking a conversation. With the tension getting thicker, the Captain decided to get the ball rolling on conversation, being that they had another five hours of driving ahead of them
"So where is it that you call home? I'm born and raised in Austin Texas," Said the Captain, with a bit of pride toward his place of origin.
"The most conservative state of them all I see. I'm Michigan, Crystall Falls," Said Sgt. Jennings, hoping that that would be the only question so she can continue watching the area.
"San Diego California," Said LCpL. Ebert.
"Seattle Washington," Said PFC.Norten.
"New York City," Said Pvt. Cormick.
"Same," Said PFC. Corbin, fist-bumping Pvt. Cormick.
"Got any Family? Kids? Husband? Wife? I'm single, but I'm curious about the rest of you," Said the Captain as his men started to open up to him.
There was a long flow of "No" from the men in the Humvee, all but one.
"I actually got a girl back home who I'm going to marry when I get back," said LCpL. Ebert with a smile. "I actual asked her before I was shipped out here. We were walking along the beach, the sun was setting, and we sat down to look at the ocean. I turned to her and said 'I promise to come home, but when I do, will you stay with me?', and that when I pulled out the ring."
A few seconds of Silence went by until Pvt. Cormick hollered"GAAAAAYYY!", causing the Humvee to erupt with laughter, all but LCpL. Ebert, who only narrowed his eyes to Cormick and grunted at his actions.
The laughter died down as all the Marines focused their hearing on a distant whistle.
"Mortars!"
The ground shook as an explosion went off near the Humvee, throwing up dirt into the air. The explosion forced the vehicles to move out of the way as the soldiers inside grabbed their weapons and ducked from the windows. The truck flipped over when a mortar went off infront of the the larger vehicle, ejecting the two soldiers from the back of the truck. The vehicles came to a stop and the men burst out the doors to take defensive positions from the Lidish soldiers advancing from their right flank. Cpt. Maore would have advised someone to go out and drag Pvt. George Alvarez and PFC. Christian Alvarado to cover, but both men were already dead. Worrying about the situation at hand, Cpt. Maore quickly got his head straight and started to bark out orders to the remaining men. The men took cover on the left side of the Humvee and the now flipped truck. Sgt. Ozzemin was the next soldier to go, taking a bullet to the head by a Lidish sniper, who was soon after killed by 1stLt. Luciano. The next soldier to be killed was Sgt. Jennings, who was at the time working the 50 cal. mounted on the Humvee. The 50 cal., being their only advantage, was vital to their survival. It was crucial that someone operates the gun, the only man left that was willing to take it was 1stLt. Luciano. Climbing in to the Humvee from the left side door, he immediately removed Sgt. Jennings's body from the canopy, and proceeded to fire the gun at on coming enemies. With the 50 cal. still in use, they were able to hold back the advancing troops, until another mortar was fired. before anyone could react, the Humvee was hit. The explosion took the lives of PFC. Norten and PFC. Corbin, who were giving cover fire for 1stLt. Luciano, who was also killed in the blast.
With only two men left, Maore knew they would not survive. He had one last plan. He ordered LCpL. Ebert and Pvt. Cormick to through throw all grenades in the direction of the advancing troops. Knowing it wouldn't stop many, it was the only thing they could do. If they tried to aim their rifle around the sides of the truck, they would either have to duck for cover from a barrage of gun fire, or be taken out by a sniper. When their Grenades ran out, and the ammo having been used up in the firefight, the only thing they could do now was wait for the men to come around for them and fight hand-to-hand, or wait to die. The three men agreed to not go down without fighting like hell first.
When the first few men came around the side of the truck, LCpC. Ebert Swung at the first one, grabbed his weapon, and spun him around to be used as a human shield while he emptied the man's AK into the bodies of his allies that accompanied him. The same situation occurred on the other end of the truck with Pvt. Cormick, but he took a bullet in the leg before it was over. They waited for more troops to come around the truck, but were instead meet with an enemy grenade thrown over the truck landing at their feet.
The blast, killed Pvt. Cormick and severely wounded Cpt. Maore. The blast only stunned LCpC. Ebert, but when he regained his composure, he was greeted by three armed Lidish solders, who opened fire on him when he tried lifting his rifle. Watching his soldier fall dead was not the last thing he was going to see. No, the last thing he saw was an enemy officer waltz around the side of the truck and stop in front of the bleeding out Captain. His shaved head, dark aviators, and black leather coat. He knew this man, but could not put a name on him. In that moment it didn't matter anyway, whoever he was, he had won. The officer withdrew his pistol and aimed it at the head of the Marine. The Captain closed his eyes, and breathed through his nose and out his mouth a few times waiting for death to take him. Only to have his ears shredded by a loud, unearthly shriek and a blast of white everywhere.
He opened his eyes and saw nothing but black void surrounding him. He felt as if he was floating in the void, gravity not existing in this dark world he found himself trapped in. His gear was gone and he felt weightless. Though no light was present, his body was illuminated. He turned his head about, hoping something would happen. A flicker of light, a glimpse of something moving. Though he could see nothing, he got a strange feeling that he was not alone in the void.
"Your time is not yet over, my child... You still have much to do...
A voice brook the silence that had surrounded Maore, but it did not stem from one location in particular, the voice seem to be coming from everywhere at once, and an echo following made it more difficult to determine a source. It was not clear the gender or age of the speaker, as it appeared to be a mix of Young and old, male and female. Though it was oddly soothing...
"What are You talking about? Who are you? Where am I? Where are my Men?!"
"When you enter this world... Do not show fear... Show your courage as a soldier... I will see you again Captain...
1 day later
{Ink Quills POV}
It's no use, they've caught us. After three straight hours of running, The Lost Colt Retrievers are nearly on us. Heat Signature and I started our escape early this morning at about 4am, and the alarms started going off about two hours later. I can't go back though, for 4 straight years of that life, I can't return to it. Heat Grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face him.
"You need to calm down, I have a plan. You keep running South, I'll try and lead them East." He said, with a hint of sorrow in his voice.
"You'll never make it. They'll catch you. Maybe even kill you!" I said, hoping he wouldn't leave me to run by myself.
"Don't worry, they'll never catch me. I'll meet you at the border of the Badlands by Sundown."
With that said, he got up and ran through the brush, rustling the leaves to ensure they heard him. I got up too and kept running in the direction we were headed, The Badlands. Four years ago, after the "Preservation Act" was established by the newest Alicorn-Princess, Twilight Sparkle, the Changeling Queen issued a proclamation stating "All Colts and Stallions within our lands, are granted freedom and citizenship, which makes them exempt from Equestrian laws". However, the Equestrian response was to strength military along boarder towns. This made crossing the boarder very difficult, with escape being near impossible. Every slave was listed and accounted for everyday at 6am and 6pm. If any slaves were missing, then the town of which they escaped from goes under 'Lock Down' and the guards patrol each town between there and the boarder much more frequently, until the escapee/s is found. Many have tried, but none have made it close to their destination. If you were escaping from Appleloosa, then you had a chance if you make it to the Macintosh Mountains, which boarder the badlands, but if your from Dodge City like us, then you have a clear shot straight to the entrance of the Badlands. It was prohibited to station guards along the boarder, as the Changeling Queen said it would be taken as an act of hostility. Yet, guard outposts are still up between Appleloosa and the Mountains, as well as between us and the Boarder.
"There he is! Over there!
HorseApples! They must have heard me running. But I can't stop now. Heat told me to meet him at the Boarder, and by Celestia I will.
Just keep running...
Don't look back...
Don't even worry about the cliff wall straight ahead...Wait What!!!
Since when was there a cliff wall here? There shouldn't be any high ground between Dodge City and the Badlands, not until the boarder anyway.
Wait a second...
Did the wall just move?
I picked up a rock, through it at the wall...and it phased right through! Its a illusion, but their is only one member of The Lost Colt Retrievers that can do illusion spells...
Princess Twilight Sparkle...
As if on cue, she dropped the shield and stepped toward me. I then turned to see that I was surrounded by some of the other members of The Lost Colt Retrievers, Fluttershy and Rarity, along with four female guards. That means that Heat was chased down by the rest; Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie.
"Ok, you had your fun, now its time to go back home." The Princess tried saying as if she didn't know what happens to us in slavery.
"Your owner is probably worried sick, Hoping your not hurt." said Fluttershy, who actually might not know what happens in the slave world. As she has no slaves and doesn't talk to anyone about the subject.
"Agreed Darling, you must return home. You might damage your wonderful attire in these woods." said Rarity, worried about the well being of the clothe I'm wearing, since most slaves' clothe are made by her boutiques across the land. Making clothes for Stallions and Colts turned her one shop business into a chain across Equestria. She wasn't the only one to have profited from this Law.
"N-no way! I ain't Goin back!" I said picking up a rock, and holding it ready to throw at whoever tries steping closer.
"Oh come on, do you really think that will hit somepony before we catch it?" Mocked a guard, elbowing the guard next to her, who then chuckled.
Twilight turned to them and frowned. This quieted both guards. She then turned back to me and took a step forward. She was calling my bluff.
"There isn't anyway out of this. As we speak, my friends are chasing that other stallion and will be here shortly with him."
She was right. A few short seconds later, the remainder of the Retrievers came through the bushes to my right. First was the four guards that I guess split off to join them. Then came the cheerful, bouncy, notorious Pinkie Pie, who was waving a multi-colored flag with "Victory!" on it. Finally, was Applejack and Rainbow Dash, dragging a bruised and bloody Heat Signature.
"Rainbow! AJ! What is the meaning of this?!" Yelled the Princess, obviously not to happy to see what they did to Heat.
Rainbow was the first to speak "He wouldn't stop running, so we cut him off, and when we were in front of him, he started swinging his fist at us. We were only defending ourselves."
"Is that true AJ?" the Princess said, cocking an eye brow at the farm mare.
"Uhh...Sumtin like that..." she said while sweeting. Obviously she was lying.
I dropped the rock and my arms fell to my side. I closed my eyes and fought back tears, not wanting to cry in front of them. So close...we were so close to freedom.
Click-click
"Drop your weapons and back away."
That voice, is that a Stallion? Its obviously male.
Opening my eyes, I see a creature standing half way between the Princess and myself. It seems to have Pony-like features, but looks more like a furless Ape. It was also holding two black objects in its hands, one was pointed in the Princess's direction, as the other was changing between Applejack's and Rainbow Dash's. Looking around I spotted 6 more of the creatures, all seemed relatively the same, but they all held much larger black objects, pointing them at the guard like some sort of weapons. After receiving a nod from the Princess, Applejack and Rainbow Dash let go of Heat's arms, causing him to fall to the ground, and they backed away. Immediately after, two of the Ape-like creatures rushed over to him and lifted him up off the ground, hoisted him up on the larger ones back, and moved back behind the ones still watching the guards.
The creature standing in front of me backed away from the Princess and up next to me. It turned and nodded to the one carrying Heat on it's back, who then carried him off into the woods with two others fallowing. It then motioned for me to move back toward the spot they ran off in. The remainder of its group backed away into the woods keeping their weapons pointed at the guards. It then placed a hand on my shoulder and started leading me in the same direction It's group left in.
"hold on a second. What do you think you are doing?" the Princess said stepping closer to the creature.
"What are you?"
The ape-thing then turned around and stared directly at her. It said only three words...
"We are Marines."
I've been on here about a year now, I think its time I give back to the Community.
My first story.
I want criticism, but not hate. If you don't like it, then don't read it, but help me become a better writer. Please help me see the flaws of my work.
This chapter went through very little change in the last few paragraphs, nothing big, but keep an eye open for errors so I may fix them.
(1/7/16) I tweaked the story a little, some re-wording, changing of lines, nothing major.
(3/29/16) I cleaned up the battle scene a little. A comment made by someone got me thinking that some dislikes could have been due to political stances toward the group I originally had ambush the convoy. So I renamed them and have now thought up a way the nameless enemy man could be a major character later on.
I also decided that this story will have no editor or prof reader. I want this story to be something I look back on and get better as I go. If anyone picks up on something that they want changed or edited, comment and I will try to fix it.
Here is the map I used to help you better visualize the situation the two Stallions where in...
Stats
Page generated in 0.04 seconds
Total duration
977 users online
1,893,721 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
What?
chosen/10
Also, you're missing an end quotation there, friend. Here, just borrow mine: ".
That was one hell of a summary but your execusion was sloppy. What you really need is an editor as I'm sure you already know.
Oh yeah, the past tense of light is lit.
6186758
Thank you for reading. I also just got an editor and will have a rewritten version up soon.
6185732
Yes it isn't very clear in that moment, but all around him is black nothingness, however if he looks down, he can see himself clearly.
6187183 Just those simple words and my pants have been flooded with excrement.
6188511
Ok ok, don't ruin your pants.
MOAR PLS
Well, the genre is not necessarily my cup of tea, but I noticed you asked for criticism, so here goes.
The story starts with a lot of exposition, which you could definitely cut back on. You don't need to name every single character. In fact, I just glanced at the first few paragraphs, immediately forgetting who any of them were. Introduce characters one at a time, and focus on the important ones. It's fine to have nameless extras in there. In the same vein, try to cut back on the military jargon. Avoid abbreviations, and you don't have to specify which gun each character uses. Focus on the stuff that's actually relevant to the story. Also, remember that using a real world conflict as a basis for fanfiction can be offensive to some. I'm not saying you can't do it, but it's probably the cause of some of your downvotes.
On the pony side of thing, the characters seemed out of character to me. Why would the main 6 condone slavery? Maybe creating a situation that's closer to what we know from the show would help. If you want to create a dystopia, I would recomment moving away from canon characters at first. Let the reader wonder why Equestria is this way, rather than why the main characters are suddenly acting like villains. Just like the first scene, you also had too many characters in there, making it confusing. Stick to what's necessary.
On the technical side, there is work to be done. The story starts in the present tense and switches to past soon after. I'm also not a fan of switching narrators. I don't think using first person is warranted here. You switched to first person in the second half, and I didn't feel like I was getting the story from your protagonist's pov. First person narration is used when you want the skewed perception of a single character. It's also often bad form to switch between multiple first person povs. This is just my quick first impression, but if you can get a good editor, it would probably help.
I hope this helps.