Waterworn doesn't mean squat when you're an eternal flame, baby!
The Writers' Group56,438 stories ·9,296 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
Incomplete1,348 stories ·455 members
I Just Want a Comment15,714 stories ·3,673 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,271 stories ·5,462 members
Equestria Girls Fics12,120 stories ·3,770 members
Everypony is the Best Pony6,498 stories ·1,051 members
(Equestria Girls Verse)
Incognito is the new boy at Canterlot High with the desire to become the perfect boyfriend. In reality, he's nothing more than a serial dater. Breaking hearts left and right as he leaps relationship after relationship as a emotional parasite.
While trying to establish himself in with a group of girls, it takes him a while to realize that they don't exactly take him seriously.
And slowly, so does the rest of the school. Freaks stick together after all.
Page generated in 0.088 seconds
Total duration
1,004 users online
1,302,231 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
huh.
Nice start.
I loved it. Faved and likes and tracked :D
5715158
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
5715180
I like it
clutch.mtv.com//wp-content/uploads/clutch/2012/04/LvCZd.gif
5715188
It's something all right. After this story and Doctrine, I'm sticking to one-shots for a while. I'm beginning to forget what a finished story looks like.
You have me intrigued.
...At the beginning you have an odd...style of word usage. And I have to wonder. This could have been something otherwise, so why did you choose to involve MLP. Frankly, it probably would have been better if not involved in such. You'd only have to change some minor color descriptions and character names and you'd been set. Hell, I almost felt like I was reading a popular romance or slice-of-life manga.
In the end, the only thing off-putting is the relationship with your OC and one of the Main Six. It's simply been done to death and you appear to rely on a few old tropes. I don't think I'd mind reading this elsewhere. I probably wouldn't get as heavily into it as Fimfiction is one of the few really good text-based sites and I don't have a heavy interest in romance, but I wouldn't be as against it as I am either. It just seems like something that would have fit better without being set into a fandom.
5715340
It is very anime-ish, I agree. But I dunno if it would do well as a original fic. The story was made from the same juices of PSA: Personal Sunset Answers which revolves around dirty conversation ( and dickery). So much so, that you can say this is the big sister story that has its mind out of the gutter.
Stylistically, I was experimenting with how I was going to format the story and decided to stick with this style of relevant opening, flashback and today's Incognito.
It's the joke of the story. He doesn't have a relationship. Twilight might have meant the world to Incognito but to her, he was nothing more than a study partner. Not a boy friend. Not a friend. Not even as a boy. Of course, there's a longer story as to how he got to A to B but really, this story is how Incognito gets Caught...
I wanted the scene with Twilight to have dreamy feel of youth and idealism and romance, romance, romance. To be very shoujo-like but I might have gone too far. He loved that girl but at the end of scene, he's crying his heart out. It's silly and funny when I imagine it.
Thanks for your comment.
5715422 Eh, original-ish. I must admit, I wouldn't be surprised to see this on a manga site. Of course, the premise and perspective is the only reason why I read this in the first place. I've never cared for that of the romance or harem genres.
You haven't really shown this yet...
Anyways, you at least understand my criticism. The initial 'relationship' thing should be a bit clarified, maybe. It's quite misleading. (Oh, and shoujo can be a very misleading term. While this prologue is exactly as you intended by your quotation, it isn't really shoujo if the main character is male.) Ah, but the multiple relationship afterward is confusing as well. ...Really, I can't tell if the initial setup is the past, the future, or something else with it. It's...irritating.
You have a nice day, and good luck with your story. It seems like something I'd want to keep track of, but there isn't enough of it yet.
Is it bad that my first thought at the Incognito name was the Hellsing villain?
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/hellsing/images/0/0d/Hellsing-incognito.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20091003121947
Anyway, I'm loving this so far!
Good work, Regina!
Hmm... While it is a bit anime-ish, I agree there, I think i'm liking this whole role-reversal thing. Anime, it's usually some "i'm a good but naive guy" who gets swarmed by a bunch of sex-crazed women and just never chooses one. Likewise, it can be annoying as tits. Nice views are nice, but there's only so many times someone should have before they make up their minds and either reciprocate or tell them off, you know? Here, it's pretty much the opposite.
Color me intrigued. I'll be favoriting to read future chapters.