A Slow Evening
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
The sound of the wooden spoon scraping the plastic bowl was a nasty one, Lyra thought to herself. Maybe it was the hours she was spending in her kitchenette trying to make chocolate pudding getting to her.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Lyra used her magic to hold the spoon to mix the pudding. The process had been a monotonous task. Pour cocoa powder and cold milk into a bowl. Stir mixture until somewhat firm.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Lyra's eyes burned. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. How long had she been up, anyway? She tried to recall the last time she slept, but to no avail. She missed her large, poofy bed; her comfy, loving pillows; her soft, inviting blankets. Maybe she'd take a break.
...but for some reason, a thought in her head told her she couldn't.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Why was she doing this, then? Why stand almost completely still for what felt like hours just stirring pudding? Was it a defense mechanism? Maybe it was just a distraction. Probably both. Either way, she felt like she had to make the pudding. But why? Why did she feel this obligation to make pudding?
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
It was slowly coming back to her. Something about a carriage; a taxi, specifically. Something...something about Bon Bon. Yeah...they were in a taxi...but what happened before that?
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
...right. Lyra and Bon Bon just got out of the former's concert. Recital. Whatever. The terminology didn't matter. The performance had been wonderful, and Bonnie wanted to drag Lyra away from her colleagues for a 'special treat' for doing so well.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Damn special it was. The Greener Pasture might not have been a fancy restaurant or anything, being kin to a greasy diner, but it certainly served up the best soul food. Their oat burgers were nothing short of the best in Ponyville -- maybe even in all of Equestria. The thought of the food made Lyra's mouth salivate.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Then again, it wasn't the food that mattered to her. Bon Bon, out of all ponies, managed to get a reservation at The Greener Pasture and shared the table with Lyra. The unicorn couldn't have been more flattered or impressed. It wasn't exactly easy getting in, after all. The place was always flooded with hungry customers. But somehow...Bon Bon got a table. Lyra liked that about her. Bonnie was determined, if nothing else.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
Come to think of it, Lyra really liked Bon Bon. Was it Lyra's fault? Bonnie was pretty -- those perfect tail curls, the mane colors, the way her coat made her eyes shine. She was talented, too. Certainly knew her way around a kitchen. Not to mention she wasn't completely crazy, something Lyra was guilty of. Plus, the girl was compassionate and amazingly tolerant. How Bon Bon put up with Lyra, the unicorn would never know.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
It was after the burgers came, after the brief, awkward silences between each bite, after the odd stares sent back and forth. The two of them didn't really say anything. Lyra felt a vibe going on, like the two were somehow meant for each other. Were words needed for something as simple as...was it love? That might've been a bit much, but it certainly didn't feel like anything less.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
It had to be love. Lyra looked down at the plain, ceramic plate before her. A chunk of burger, a couple of hay fries, a scrap of lettuce. She looked up and saw Bon Bon, who was raising an eyebrow.
Skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap.
"Bonnie?" Lyra asked, peering into Bon Bon's eyes.
"Yes?" Bon Bon tilted her head. "You okay, Lyra?"
"Well, um...this is really nice and all, and I really can't thank you enough..." Lyra looked to her side.
"It's the least I could do, Lyra. You earned it, buddy." Bon Bon smiled.
Skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap skrap.
"Bonnie?" Lyra looked Bon Bon in the eyes.
"Yes?" Bon Bon asked sweetly.
Skrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrap
"...I'm in love with you," Lyra muttered under her breath.
"I'm sorry; I don't think I caught that," Bon Bon said, innocent as ever.
Skrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrap
"I'm in love with you," Lyra mumbled.
Bon Bon frowned and raised an eyebrow. "Lyra, you really need to enunciate--"
Skrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrapskrap
"It's nothing," Lyra said.
"Are you sure? You know you can always talk to me--"
"I'm fine."
The two sat as an awkward silence hung between them. While everypony around them chatted and dined casually, Lyra and Bon Bon just sat.
Lyra felt her heart sank. Bon Bon probably didn't love her. Cared for? Bon Bon definitely cared. But how could Lyra have been so foolish, so naïve to think Bon Bon would be able to reciprocate her feelings, let alone right then and there!?
The check came. Bon Bon paid for all of the bill, including the tip. The two mares left in silence. Out on the sidewalk, Bon Bon whistled for a taxi. One pulled over, and the both of the mares climbed in.
"Lyra, your performance tonight was amazing," Bon Bon said. "I really do enjoy your music."
"Thanks, Bonnie." Lyra looked out the window of the carriage half-heartedly.
"...so, what was concerning you back at Greener Pasture?" Bon Bon laid a hoof on Lyra's shoulder. "I'm always open to talk."
"Honestly, Bonnie...I don't even know if I should tell you." Lyra looked down.
"You can always tell me." Bon Bon tried to reassure Lyra with a small smile.
"...well, Bonnie...I kinda li--"
Loud screaming from outside the carriage pierced the walls and filled its insides.
Then the carriage crashed hard.
Clank! Clack.
Lyra threw the bowl of pudding at a wall and wiped the tears from her eyes. Her best friend was in the hospital, mortally wounded, probably going to die...and yet, Lyra couldn't do jack squat. She wasn't allowed to see Bon Bon. No visitations. Not even to drop off food or flowers.
She never got to say she loved her.
Lyra opened the cabinet above her and grabbed a bowl with her magic. She opened her fridge and grabbed out the milk carton. Closing it, she went into her pantry and grabbed the cocoa mix. She picked up the measuring cup from the counter, stained white from previous usage, and measured a cup of milk. With the carton emptied, she threw it into the trash. She emptied the cocoa mix into the bowl, grabbed a nearby spoon, and began stirring. Pudding would take her mind off of it.
Ssskrap. Ssskrap. Ssskrap.
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Heh, Rugrats.
EDIT: Jesus Christ, that took a dark turn.
Ouch, my happiness.
Relevant:
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/102/965/1298682821828.jpg
What even happened at the end? I'm so f*cking confused right now.
EDIT: Wait... so a horse-drawn carriage crashed into something and mortally wounded her? That's possible?!
Very nice. I like the repetitive use of wooden spoon on plastic as a break in between Lyra's memories. I liked her incredibly philosophical musings about why exactly she was making pudding so late at night.
I enjoyed that dark turn. It was a nice way to cap a fairly monotonous story.
I don't read fics, but for some reason I decided to read it... dunno why, but I like.
the emotion was good enough for me and I liked how it was all handled, the flashback and escapism and ever-increasing stirs, had affected me somehow
was enough to inspire a simple drawing in any case, so here you go
click
Damn, considering the circumstances or not this is really good. Hell if I ever tried to do this I would be raped into oblivion by the thumb down god!
*before reading* . . . this is a "Romance"?
*half-way through* Oh! Okay, I get it.
*finishes reading* . . . I need to go make chocolate pudding.
You're my pal, Cheese, and I love you.
I love this story too.
Oh man, dark. Love it.
What the - this came off the new stories queue?! I refuse to believe that! This story is koala-tea! The new stories queue is only good for teenage wish-fulfillment and clopfics! Nothing good ever comes from there! There has to be some mistake!
*checks*
By George. There isn't. You, sir, are a credit to your people, and I wish to make you chocolate pudding as an act of congratulations.
I like it. A lot.
Simple, effective, harsh. Brilliant.
And you didn't edit it even one bit? My god, you can't tempt me like that! Oh wait, I'm writing this review after I already downloaded it and edited it... sorry...
You made me want chocolate pudding and I don't have any so screw you!
i saw the title and it vaguely reminded me of one of my own story that i published on here.
I.
I.
I.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
You should've seen my face at the end.
At the beginning, encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrAqypU8wbHF2atEwq-BnT-uV19ynLH_KtJpX6qov2Azh1_j_D
At the end,encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTQIaFZlzQHMiEjDCaD-WjuJmKb-6ghAOO21sRVap3fR6VcZ-HXYw
555317 img.ponibooru.org/images/48/489081a6eda4babcc1f78aaf83fb2666
Really dude? I was going to say that...
Well that went right on down to creepy town
Hooray! I predicted the ending, but you already know I can imagine... sad things. That didn't detract from it any, though.
Noticing the tags, I realize you tricked me into reading a romance, too. Well played.
It's funny, because you could copy this chapter a million times and paste them below each other and it'd all make sense.
That's a good thing :D
Loved it. Loved every word of it.
There goes your 90.00%
Upon further examination, here is everything that I found wrong with this story...
Problems with the story itself:
1. I didn't know you could get reservations at a diner. Even if it is extremely popular.
2. "It's the least I could do, Lyra. You earned it, buddy." Bon Bon smiled. "Buddy" seems out of character to me.
Grammatical problems:
1. 'special treat' should be "special treat."
2. Lyra felt her heart sank. <-- Self explanatory.
3.It was after the burgers came, after the brief, awkward silences between each bite, after the odd stares sent back and forth. The two of them didn't really say anything. Lyra felt a vibe going on, like the two were somehow meant for each other. Were words needed for something as simple as...was it love? That might've been a bit much, but it certainly didn't feel like anything less.
This whole paragraph just seems off structurally. Could use some reworking.
Other than those minor things, I still think the story is great.
This is such a sad story! Why didn't it have the sad tag?! Why didn't it have the tragedy tag?! It deserves both!!!
i think this needs the sad tag. i kinda connected to lyra when she was thinking about how bonbon might not like her. i think that all the time when i think about the person i like.
Well I thought I would be nice and give you a criticism on your story since you did so on ours (don't worry, I'm not going to be an ass about this. This is an honest review). Now I do like the idea of the spoon breaking some of the groupings to signify her snapping in and out of her mind. However, this did become repetitive and almost annoying. I am one of those readers that likes to put themselves in the story so when the spoon came in, it got to me more and more as I read on. I also like the idea of the tragedy between them but again, some of it annoyed me. Don't get me wrong, your writing was good but it almost sounds cliche about how a lover was in an accident. I myself have written a story similar starring AJ and Pinkie. All in all it was a good story. There is nothing to complain about and it certainly was a good read. Now I know that you've read Foxxy's stories, but I would be happy if you read mine. This may be difficult since Foxxy has moved into my account but you should read all of the stories that aren't recent. And once again, criticism is accepted.
My face right now:
I liked the story but really, some kind of warning, I wasn't prepared for such sadness.
amazing it looks like it needs a sequel or something but it is still great though sad
BRAVO!!!! Made me weep tears of joy.
Very good. especially from something written during the wee hours of the morning with no proofreader and done in one sitting. Not to mention the incredibly vague prompt of "Lyra makes pudding."
You know, the more I think about the circumstances involved in the creation of this story, the more impressive it is.
ow! that hit me right in the soul
My reaction:
HA HA! PUDDING! Lyra has lost control of her life!
imgur.com/kuXnc.jpg
All good feelings are gone.
I never did wrote a comment for your fic Cheese?
Well, I guess I'll put one up and say that I was... surprised at how everything turned out and in the end, I felt that you wrote a pretty interesting and great fic.
(Before reading) lol, its a fanfic of one of my favorite memes!
(After reading) huh.... oh....
Seriously though, for something you wrote out in one sitting, at 2 am I might add, this wasn't bad. It was short but it hit rather hard.
556945 Well you could slap a pair of Kamina Shades on Lyra and make Lyra Pierces The Heavens at 4 in the morning.
Missing the Dark/Sad tag?
...
This was...
okay.
You don't like this story, do you cheese?
i.imgur.com/FuskW.jpg
cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/08/right-in-the-feels.gif
But seriously, despite the head-desking amount of pudding puns spammed on chat, this was a good read.
Aha! Finally found it!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ich0yVvN1rbz9t6o2_1280.jpg
It was great, but that really did come out of nowhere
In contrast with just about every story about hesitant romance, this one feels consequential, though in more of a "seize the moment" sense. I wouldn't say the end came out of nowhere, there was clearly something awry throughout, but it comes with a distracting clunk. It feels just a bit too forceful, and it killed some of the emotional clarity for me. Still loved the story, particularly the "No visitations" bit. Good luck on future writing.
Unlike Bolding's later work on a similar premise, this had a lot more back story... and I'd say that's working against it as it doesn't bring you up short like the other does, thusly lessening the emotional impact.
A.G.
That was surprisingly deep, and - somehow - i.. had a similar moment, but i was the one who was in the hospital for a very long time.
I couldn't say my best friend where i was, nor HOW i was, and since i haven't a family, no one else even knew that i was...
Sitting here, in the morning after a sleepless night, this fanfic just crawled deep under my skin.
It was short but so intense...
But it reminded me on something, and i have to say thanks for that.
Say your beloved friends, how much you appreciate them, day by day, care for them, and never NEVER end a day with an arguement.
It could be the last time you see each other.