(The picture is a cropped one of a larger product which was made by RomanJe on Deviantart and belongs to thesassyjessy on Deviantart.)
You've been stranded in this magic pony talking land for 6 years now. Thankfully you haven't lost your sanity despite being restricted to the Canterlot Castle this entire time.
During that time however, you've become friends with the Princess of the Night and, apparently, the Moon. Her name is Princess Luna but she does seem to have a mix of medieval and modern speech.
Though you wish to say she's your best friend with the pranks you both do and all around the castle. You can't help but wonder why she hangs around with you all the time though.
(Rated T for teen due to minor swearing.)
Chapters (1)
Baseless cliched romance is baseless and cliched.
Also a lot of obvious grammar and spelling issues.
Please remember to thoroughly proofread.
I would tell you if i knew, But I don't.
Also, maybe you should make a sequel, Just a suggestion.
And have a Moustache.
5584103
If you mean the words like thou, knowest, and carest, those are actually medieval words. I know so because I looked them up before using them and wanted to give Luna a mix of modern and Medieval speech. She had been gone for a thousand years and I believed it would take her a long while to ditch all the medieval speech.
As for baseless and cliched? Eh, everyone writes a bad short story or one-shot now and then. Just gotta live with it and learn from it.
5584150
The word Anon is also a medieval word for "Until later." It's also a modern would to mean soon or shortly. I just asked to see if anyone would know. Cuz now think of all the stories that use Anon to name a character!
And thank you for the Moustache.
5584225
I know what old english is, and you used it correctly.
It was the normal english you seem to struggle with.
5584234
Well at least I got one correctly. Tis probably why most people don't write second person and the vast majority of book printed stories are first or third person.
adorable.
Because in the three years since "Luna Eclipsed", she hasn't fucking learned how to speak normal
5585250
Some learn slower than others, tis true.
5585672
Something I have a thought on developing on, but I already have a few things to write along with the fact that too many at once could clog and screw up my writing.
soon; shortly.
"I'll see you anon"
it also stands for the personification of the old world internet.
5585706
Very good, I just find it funny how many stories use Anon as the short for anonymous in it. Course it's the best shortening for that name so lets just laugh about it.
5585722 yes lets do some Insane anime laughter
Aw, this was cute! In a good way.
Even though it is a written fantasy to many, I enjoyed it, whether it was cliched romance story with a favorite pony or not.
could use a sequel/continuation where the human hunter comes back to Canterlot and attacks him to where he barely survives the assault due to some ambiguous form of magic contained inside of a locket/pendant that Princess Luna gave to him as a token of her affection
5584103
I don't know why this comment has so many down votes, comparatively speaking. That's not even all of the story's flaws.
5586666
I admit every story has it's flaws and this one is rather cliche, but I'm not so sure why it's being down voted either.
You get my upvote on the cover pic alone.
...Wolfenstein? (2009)
*pranked
Fucking worth it though
I feel like I should point out that the type of language is called 'archaic', or 'old english'. While you've got a decent handle on the dialect, it could do to be improved.
Oh fuck, I can't stop laughing... Oh god, someone help me... That is pure fucking GOLD!
All in all, I loved this. The lack of solid grammar doesn't take away the enjoyment from the story. Short, sweet, and very very cute. There needs to be more short stories like this.
5585346 Then this is not the real Luna. Just a dumb imposter
5586708
I'll correct that grammar error you pointed out and this is my first attempt with old English so I'm not surprised that it could be improved!
5586722
Well a story's a story's, no one said it was canon in the real MLP Universe. Besides I personally like to think she would be reluctant to give up a dialect she has spoken for over a millennia. (Especially if a millennia was spent talking to herself while alone on the moon.)
Make a sequel, and more stories like this, but with different ponies.
Sweet.
But not my thing.
Still, sweet. Short, sweet, light. Nicely done.
Though a few points of improvements, and possible errors:
1. Ah, good times. Which still happen now and then but lately Luna has been acting...different to you In the past few weeks.
- Wrong capitalization?
2. As you gently furrow your brows in thought you hear the gentle flap of wings behind you and the sound if hooves gently meeting the garden's grass.
3. She idly looks around then, having always not not been one for politics.
4. The fact it go flow regardless if there was wind or not...
- ...go flow?
5. I-....I have something I wish to tell thou,"
- Personal opinion: Does not sound natural. "you" instead of "thou" is fine here.
6. Personal opinion: Too much "thou"s. "You" will be fine as it is more personal. And the scene is rather a one-on-one personal thing.
This will help with Luna's dialogues
1. http://www.fimfiction.net/group/244/author-support/thread/151969/luna-for-dummies
2. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-LjF13rD2amtvPJfguXzXzT0AD4OMU3CkrFavXtloHc/edit?usp=sharing&pli=1
5586940
Thou was usually how one would address the person they are talking to in old English, so it appeared to be something to slip on as she would've no doubt commonly used it in the past.
As for those errors I'll go correct them now, thank you for pointing them out.. Though I do kinda agree with number 5, I guess I went a tad overboard with the use of the word thou.
5586959
You seem to have done your research on old English well, I must admit. Do check out the links I gave, I think it would add nicely to your research.
5586963
I'll do that for sure, always good to learn how to write better. Even if it's dialect wise.
5586974 My sentiments exactly. I'm also learning.
:) sweet
In the interest of higher quality for a nice story, I list corrections to each one of Luna's lines to enhance the authenticity and better the sound.
I hope that helps!
5587027
I hadn't known the was another form to address someone. I'll probably do the changes that change thou to the just to balance out the word usage.
As for the others? A number of the changes seem like a good idea, though remember I was attempting to balance her modern and old English speech as it had been six years. So she would probably become less and less reluctant to lose her old English dialect.
...or perhaps not? Either way they are good indeed.
5587046 Thee is the objective form. Thou is the subjective. And I do remember that--but the reason I gave you those changes was because it doesn't actually sound quite right for the verb and noun forms to be put together in such a way.
Let me explain: "Thou" was originally used as the singular or informal second person pronoun. You was the plural or the formal. You came with the same forms we recognise now, like "You eat" or "I have you." Thou came with the forms ending in -st. Now, as English evolved, You eventually replaced Thou, and the verb forms came with it. At no point did the evolution come up with "You hast" or "Thou has". It just didn't sound quite right.
It's a hard thing to balance those old forms with the new. But a good idea might be to instead use modern figures of speech and speech patterns while keeping the correct medieval forms. That way it still sounds right but you keep a good balance.
Edit: For example, where I say "It is" instead of "It's," use It's anyway. And where I say 'Twould, use It'd.
5587093 I see, thank you for the information.
Cute. Though I wished you expanded just a teeny bit more on the whole inter-species problem. Instead of saying "internet" (there's internet in Equestria?), you could've tried him taking note of how inter-species relationships are considered mostly normal in Equestria, plus he's not going to be going back home and/or seeing another human soon. Still, a very nice and short story.
5587423
I may have worded it a bit wrong, I had meant back on Earth with all the inter-species relationship Shippings on Earth. But that would've been better, yes.
5584225
You are welcome and that is a very enlightening thing to read and it is funny
5587500 Thank you. Just putting my thoughts. I felt that it was a hand wave of an excuse, as if it wasn't a big deal. Inter-species relationship, I feel, is a lot more serious and problematic than we think. Though it didn't really take away from the sweetness of the story. Just would've like a bit more development, personally. Again, it was still a very nice story and it certainly improved my mood. Have a like.
5587027 Man, you gotta teach me archaic english. I love it.
When she said "Anon" I cracked laughing, too much 4chan I guess...
Great story man. Loved it!
P.D: Sweet Jesus. I think I'll have to rework most of Luna's lines in my fanfic now.
5588170 Simple rules: Thou is singular, and should be used as the subject. Thee is the object of thou. Use the ending -st for present tense verbs whose subject is thou, but only use it on the first verb. Note: "Thou playest with thee." "Thou dost reward thee." "Dost thou play?" You is plural and its verb stuff is totally normal. Note: "You play with you." "You reward you." "Do you play?"
When it comes to the third person singular (he, she, it), the pronouns are the same. The present tense verb forms should end in -th, but only use that ending on the first verb. Plural (they) is normal. I and we are normal.
Possessives: Use thy and my with words that start with consonant sounds, and thine and mine with words that start with vowel sounds.
That's pretty much it, other than the bit with subjunctives (verbs that express uncertainty) that always use be instead of is, are, or am, but I'm not going to cover that.
Oops.
Hope that helps!
5588958 Thanks a lot!
I needed a simpler explanation since english is not really my native tongue(I actually like english more than spanish, my own language.) , and you shared it!
I'll try to put it into good use.
Awww one shot? But what about the murders? It's so unresolved!
After reading this story, I wanted to draw one of the images that the image this is taken from.
Here....
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2015/035/5/3/waifu_luna_by_bubba_by_xbubba1995x-d8gq9tv.png
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1027_iqIxA.gif
*You're
Also, you kind of left room for expansion empty after you did not elaborate on the human killings.
5589358 *Screaming*
5589743 I take it you like it.
5589593
Can always build off an actual story for it later, I got a few other things to write first. Also thank you for pointing out my mistake, I'll go correct it now.
5589452
So much for more apples.
5589358
Nicely done!
Nope. That there was drawn by TheSassyJessy, which it even says in the description of the post you linked to.
5590606
Yeah, he told me not too long ago about that, I need to make the correction!
5590703
As long as you're aware.
5590705
Just made the correction, sorry for the misdirection.
I was pretty much sold at "horse land."
This is adorable to say the least. Well done.
5591941
Indeed. So far my best one yet considering the statistics!