Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed

by Admiral Biscuit

Opal's In The Mattress And We Can't Get Her Out. (Estee)

Opal's In The Mattress And We Can't Get Her Out
Estee

Meanwhile, in another bedroom, some distance into a possible future...

The bed was vibrating.

Actually... upon closer inspection, it was really just a single corner channeling the low-level thrum, and there was just enough there to register. (There had been more than a little hunting involved in pinning down the source.) But if anyone or anypony were touching that section, they would pick up the vibration, along with the sound which was creating it: a soft, lulling vibration of casual superiority.

In essence, the bed was purring to itself. Smugly.

Rarity sighed. "I fail to understand why you would even have a boxspring mattress."

"I like the back support," the tall redhead offered.

Rarity's horn poked into the relevant corner, working in from the side. The mattress yielded just enough for the protrusion to not reach the concealed feline in any way. "And I have a well-known fondness for gems. However, contrary to popular rumor and that one particular piece of rather regrettable artwork, I do not spend any of my time sleeping within them, which I believe would produce the same comfort result as this particular mattress. Oh, Opal, do come out..."

The purr became only slightly louder, but considerably more smug.

"Artwork?" the redhead carefully inquired.

"Spike," Rarity explained as she trotted around the perimeter of the bed, head awkwardly lowered and angled to the point where she could just barely peek under the edge of the trailing sheets. "Crayon, in fact, but once one takes care to discount the waxy look, actually rather skilled. Unfortunately, he composed it during his gallery phase. Twilight had allowed him a corner of the library for display, and... well, let us simply say there are certain ponies who do not understand when to let things go. Ironically, mostly those who insist that any observers forget their own errors before such occur. Now, where did she get in...?"

The redhead sighed, carefully knelt down (because bending was out of the question), ran a long-fingered hand along the mattress' lower outer edge, feeling for rips. The initial effort didn't last long. "And..." Awkwardly, "How did he draw you?"

"Pardon?"

The awkwardness wasn't exactly diminishing. "The position."

The unicorn went back to the original relevant corner. There was more horn prodding, all of which produced a total lack of cat. "I fail to see why it matters -- but he had me sleeping within them. And I do not mean curled up inside a particularly large and hollow specimen. Partially within the pile, partially without. I was also surrounded by some degree of fine art and sculpture, or what I imagine was meant to represent such when confined to an eight-color palette. Along with elegant furniture and what I believe might have been a rock crystal window from the Hall Of Legends." Not without pride, "Rather involved and detailed an effort, especially when you consider his age..."

The redhead winced, and hoped Rarity hadn't seen it.

This particular hope was in vain. "And that look was because...?"

There was no good way to put it, and so she didn't even try. "A dragon... who's already shown that as he grows up, there's a chance he's going to become more and more possessive... drew you as part of a hoard?"

For a moment, the purring was the only sound left in the room.

"You do realize," Rarity sighed, "that I will be unable to prevent myself from thinking about that for the rest of this day."

The answering "Sorry," was weak, but sincere.

"And most likely all of the night."

"...you asked..."

"That I did," Rarity acknowledged. "One would think I would have learned better..."

Fingers worked on one side. Horn and sharp blue eyes (which now held a light touch of fret) checked another. The purring got louder.

It was a fine mattress, really. Tall. Solid, if somewhat overly so for a certain unicorn's theoretical lack of comfort. The padding was plush, outer edges solid, sidewall construction built to last. But not so for the bottom, which was simply a stretched sheet of fabric, one which sagged ever so slightly at one corner under Opal's weight. And like most boxsprings, the mattress was mostly hollow. Oh, there were internal springs aplenty, but they were well-spaced, presenting more than sufficient travelways for a cat with a knack for getting away from her pony, generally in the ways which would create the most stress.

"Here," Rarity eventually announced. "This is where she got in."

The redhead briefly straightened, came around to the unicorn's position and knelt down next to her. The right hand slipped under the side hang and probed near where the horn currently rested. She sighed. "Torn."

Rarity brought her head up enough to nod. "Just enough for a determined cat to get through."

"Or even Opal." More probing. "I'm surprised it isn't a lot bigger..."

"There's less to her than you might suspect on sight," Rarity admitted. "On contact, she's mostly fluff."

The purring developed a discontent note.

"And ego," Rarity added.

This produced a tremor of growl.

"Well," Rarity said. "We know how she got in. How do you propose we get her out?"

"Can't you just -- push your field into the mattress? You know where she is, so once you surround and grab her, you can just pull her out..."

"No," Rarity crossly declared. "Differentiation, dear -- once she's inside the mattress, for purposes of movement magic, she's effectively a part of it. And blind probing through a narrow gap, well on the other side -- I need to see her, at least at the start." With open doubt, "If you're willing to let me poke a rather significant hole into the sidewall...?"

"I'd rather not compromise the integrity there," the redhead admitted. "The bottom's already ripped, but..." More thought. "So -- just lift the entire mattress, tilt it towards that one corner, let her --" which was the point when she first became aware of the hard stare. "-- slide... out...?"

Several rather hard tail flicks passed, and none without notice.

"Yes," Rarity eventually said. "I shall be sure to do that. Immediately after I finish my current round of magical experimentation, send a scroll off to the Princess concerning a lesson I have recently learned about friendship, freshen the stripe in my bangs, and have a few words with my little brother concerning what is and is not appropriate artwork for a dragon of his age -- or did you have me confused with somepony else? I could make your bed. The sheets would be rather orderly, decidedly even, and much more artistic than you ever seem to arrange in the mornings, when you can be bothered to tidy up after your rather restless nightscape voyages at all. I could even slightly raise a single corner at a time in order to tuck things properly, which is something that a sapient with hands seems oddly incapable of doing. But the entire mattress at once..."

"...sorry."

"You are aware that a certain librarian does not represent the default standard for my species? And that boxsprings possess a considerable amount of raw mass?"

"Sorry."

"Also, claws."

"I said I was sorry."

"I might as well ask you to spread your arms wide, grasp a corner, and try to dead-lift the entire thing from there while using your torso as a brace, which I already suspect would be complicated by those --"

This time, the hard stare came back the other way.

"-- I apologize," Rarity sighed, and her tail returned to its default loft.

"You're stressed," the redhead immediately accepted.

"Yes, but that does not give me the right to take it out on you. So what of your own abilities?"

Wryly, "Let's pretend you didn't say that."

"...agreed. Very well. Perhaps something more... mundane..."

---

Slipping a bit of the cat's favorite food into the rip was easy. Getting Opal to fall for the lure was impossible. The hidden feline never shifted a paw, and the ongoing purr briefly seemed to develop a bit of chuckle.

After a while, Rarity jumped up to the top of the mattress and, once she'd carefully peeled back and folded the sheets, spent some time bouncing up and down over Opal's chosen corner, in the hopes that noise and vibration would chase the cat out. (The redhead refused to try it, mostly due to the bouncing.) This did produce a triad of results. The cat briefly moved to another corner, returning to her standard position at the moment her pony stopped. Rarity wound up collapsing across the upper surface and stayed there panting for a good five minutes, exhaustedly wondering where Pinkie found the energy to even do that all the time. And elaborate complaints about the firmness of that upper surface were registered with the most local possible office. Repeatedly.

Pouring water over the top in the hopes that it would soak through and chase out the cat... that initially resulted in a sodden upper layer, followed by a tiny drip into the interior. Opal shifted just enough to remain dry, and kept doing so until the floorboards threatened to warp.

They cajoled. They shouted. The words 'puss-puss' were used with increasing malice.

And Opal purred.

The two females sat on the floor, near the current choice of vibrating corner. The human refused to put her back directly against it for the same reason the equine wouldn't get her tail too close: claws could poke out. Also, soaked mattress contacting fabric or fur. Neither prospect seemed particularly pleasant.

"How about... something she's afraid of?" Rarity proposed. "Put it within the mattress to chase her out?"

"She swallowed the spider to catch the fly," the redhead sighed. "I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." She spotted the unicorn's confusion. "Cultural reference, Rarity. Using a future problem to solve a current problem usually just doubles your trouble. Besides, it's Opal. What would she be afraid of?"

"There is a standard solution in Ponyville for such issues -- but with her and Angel, it's usually a no-contest, no-contact draw," Rarity admitted. "I feel they are each reluctant to test the other, just in case one came out on the losing end. They would likely just wind up camping out together. As you said -- double the trouble."

A nod. "Wait for her to get hungry?"

Opal stood up, quickly moved to the rip, snatched up the food, then returned to her post.

The redhead groaned. "To need a litter pan?"

"She will pick another corner," Rarity sighed. "With all the future issues that implies. So. Here we are. Each among the arguable multiple apex species of our respective worlds. Both currently being utterly defeated by a ten-pound whirlwind of fur and attitude."

It was hard to argue, and so neither did.

"Well," Rarity finally proposed, "It could be worse."

"How?"

"My sister could be here. With her friends. And upon seeing our predicament, they would immediately inquire as to whether there was a potential mark involved in getting cats out of mattresses." In the dark tones of weary experience, "Now, presuming we somehow managed to mutually stop them before the entire bedroom was lost, they would sulk out of the premises, collectively convinced that we had kept them from their destinies, as they had gained no chance to fail at this too. But as the concept of Cutie Mark Crusaders Cat Extractors --" a long pause, followed by a very sarcastic "-- yay, had not yet been truly tested, they would feel the need to confirm their lack of appropriate talent via the usual disaster. In this case, I imagine this would involve the, shall we say, aggressive borrowing of every cat in Ponyville, followed by smuggling them -- against their will -- into a full assortment of mattresses, regardless of feline desire to cooperate, type of mattress, and whether the topside of those mattresses were occupied or not. Add in Flitter's eventual apocalyptic reaction to the 'borrowing' of her kitten, and I believe your imagination can take it from there. Oh, and please consider the resulting vision as my token revenge for the dragon hoard."

The two females let that horror wash over them for a while, although the quadruped did so from the midst of a guarded smile.

"Maybe it's time to let you poke that hole now," the redhead finally said. "How much sighting room would you need?"

"Just a pupil's worth," Rarity admitted. "Or a little more, since I would be reluctant to get an eyelid too close at first. But it would be so hard to repair that additional damage. The bottom is easy to sew, but the sidewall..."

The unicorn blinked.

"You agree to allow some degree of additional damage, yes?" Rarity asked. "Just to make that clear."

"Sure," the redhead agreed. "We're already at soaked and sodden and hoof-bounced, so --"

Rarity trotted around to the point of initial rip, got her rib cage and barrel tight against the floor, then lowered her head. The horn was carefully and very awkwardly angled.

A tilt to the right. The sound of fabric tearing.

"Rarity, what are you --"

"Oh, dear," came the response, along with the sound of some very awkward shifting. "Oh, this will be a bother... a pony is simply not designed to scoot across a surface this way, no matter what my sister might think... You know, of all the things she has not tested for her mark..."

More tearing. The redhead, who was somewhat more designed for that general category of movement (although not the unicorn's current position), was forced to scoot away from approaching hindquarters.

Opal yowled. This was followed by an angry hiss, and a sudden shift of sheets showed where the cat had thrown her weight across the length of the bed. The redhead heard claws lash out, strike the intruder -- but Rarity had her head tilted out of range. All the cat could ineffectively slash at was unbreakable, unscratchable, unlit horn.

"The bottom," Rarity grunted, shifting another foot and slicing that much more of the edge, "at least for where you have room to rest, Opal, is simply a stretched-out sheet, with no other support offered. None at all."

The feline retreated to every available corner in turn. Claws scrabbled at the narrow metal rails which formed anchor points for the springs, failed to find enough space to hold her body up. The bed was pushed away from the wall, and more fabric was sliced free.

"She cannot stand," Rarity hissed, "where there is no floor..."

The cloth fell. So did the cat.

After a moment, an angry ten-pound ball of fluff and attitude strode out from under the bed, hissed at each member of an apex species in turn, then lofted her tail and departed from the room, already locked into pretending none of it had ever happened. Human and equine watched her go.

"Well," Rarity sighed. "And now... now, I think, to put it back. Your needle and thread?"

"Sorry?" the human said again while fully aware that during most talks with ponies, the word was becoming a significant part of her vocabulary.

"Well," Rarity said, now peering under the bed again, entirely focused on the upcoming repair job, "clearly you own both, and in great quantities. I am led to understand that among your own species, your physical construction is, how does one put this, a decidedly low-probability one, which means that even if you did not personally create any portion of your upper-body wardrobe and simply ordered all your clothing custom-made to your locally-unique dimensions, you would still be likely to spend some time repairing it. Frankly, any designer would recognize that those would be rubbing against your garments from the inside and... thus wear them out... all... the faster..."

The unicorn, rapidly-intensifying blush rushing through her coat, finally glanced up to see the redhead silently holding out a needle and six different spools.

"Sorry," Rarity eventually said, once the blush had said everything else.

Which produced a sigh. "Just... it's okay, Rarity. We'll just stitch it up and call it solved."

But the unicorn was staring at the spools. "I... oh dear, oh bother, oh no..."

"What?"

"The colors! With this fabric? Darling, you have nothing here which will not clash! I refuse to do the job with such shoddy materials! It will be total and full hue coordination or it will be nothing, and I assure you, it will not be nothing!"

"Rarity," the redhead wearily said, "it's the underside of a bed. No one and nopony is going to see it, and if Opal doesn't try again, the only animals to get a look are going to be dust bunnies..."

But the designer would hear none of it. "Grab a scarf. We are going shopping. Cerulean, I think... perhaps with a suggestion of waves within the stitching..."

A sigh. "Fine."

"It shouldn't take more than an hour to pick out the appropriate color," Rarity assured her.

"Okay," the redhead mostly surrendered.

"Plus half that to settle upon a price."

"I -- all right," went what was very nearly the last of the resistance.

"And while we are out, we will see what we can do about potentially upgrading your sweater --" The unicorn frowned. "Wait."

"What?"

"With your hair? That scarf?"

And well away from them, unseen, unheard, and with no intention of moving any time ever, a purring Opal carefully settled herself into the absolute unreachable back of the linen closet.

Comments

[zakueins]

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

It gets hilariously worse.

[Blood Dancer]

Is there any way for one to join to write a story for this?
I may or may not be interested *wink wink*

[Ardwolf]

I really liked this chapter. Rarity here is very much in character, apologetic (as she should be) and above all else calm and helpful.

Unlike a certain DJ...

[Admiral Biscuit]

5509856
Click on the link in the story description, read the blog post, and comment with your proposed title. When you're done, submit it using the form (in the blog post).

That's the easiest way. It's pretty simple--really, more of fun for everyone. So the rules are more of guidelines...

[Zombificus]

That was a fantastic chapter, very well written and Rarity was nicely in character. Great job!

[TerranceJet]

It was kinda nice to read one in third person again. Second person is pretty confuzzling sometimes.

[metallusionsismagic]

you would still be likely to spend some time repairingit.

Oi! Who you callin' a repairin' git?

Fact: Cats can tear open dimensional rifts with their claws. This is how they created the Stargates, and ruled over the Egyptian people.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5510554
Oddly, in formatting Estee's submissions, spaces disappear. I'm not sure why. It's usually between words in italics, and words not in italics.

Annoying, and I thought I caught them all.

[Wolfcape]

This is a unique situation. I'm can't place my finger on it but it feels a bit more melancholy...however, I still enjoyed it.

[raw19]

Most Interesting.

[Nyerguds]

In essence, the bed was purring to itself. Smugly.

Hee

"However, contrary to popular rumor and that one particular piece of rather regrettable artwork, I do not spend any of my time sleeping within them"

...Spike made an "American Beauty" pic with Rarity and gems?

There was no good way to put it, and so she didn't even try. "A dragon... who's already shown that as he grows up, there's a chance he's going to become more and more possessive... drew you as part of a hoard?"

Haaahahaha! Brilliant!

"There's less to her that you might suspect on sight," Rarity admitted. "On contact, she's mostly fluff."

The purring developed a discontent note.

"And ego," Rarity added.

This produced a tremor of growl.

Opal is not amused

"So -- just lift the entire mattress, tilt it towards that one corner, let her --" which was the point when she first became aware of the hard stare. "-- slide... out...?"

A cat on fabric doesn't slide. It claws itself in

and have a few words with my little brother concerning what is and is not appropriate artwork for a dragon of his age

Um. Little brother?

"But the entire mattress at once..."

Puh-lease. I've seen you juggle mannequins and cloth, Rarity. At the same time.

"Also, claws."

Eeyup

Also, soaked mattress contacting fabric or fur. Neither prospect seemed particularly pleasant.

Ohey! You got a soaked mattress! Just run a little current through it! She'll be out in no time!

Of course, those stupid magic-dependent ponies never consider electricity...

"But as the concept of Cutie Mark Crusaders Cat Extractors --" a long pause, followed by a very sarcastic "-- yay, had not yet been truly tested, they would feel the need to confirm their lack of appropriate talent via the usual disaster."

Heehee. I totally love this chapter.

"Oh, and please consider the resulting vision as my token revenge for the dragon hoard."

Payback's a bitch! Or maybe a kitten!

"Frankly, any designer would recognize that those would be rubbing against your garments from the inside and... thus wear them out... all... the faster..."

lol. Rarity is so weirded out by the concept of boobs

"Plus half that to settle upon a price."

Yeeeah.... shops around our parts usually don't bother bartering, Rarity.

And well away from them, unseen, unheard, and with no intention of moving any time ever, a purring Opal carefully settled herself into the absolute unreachable back of the linen closet.

Unavoidable, really. And, of course, bound to cause Rarity to look in there too, see more clashing colours, and start the whole schpiel all over again

Welp. A female bed-owner, for once. Nice, nice.

Remarks and corrections:
> Opel's In The Mattress
Opel? There's a car in the bed?
> But if anyone or anypony weretouching that section
Another missing space behind the italics.

[Daedalus Aegle]

All will serve the feline overlords and overladies.

5511302

Um. Little brother?

Yeah, because Rarity's going 'you seem to think I'm Twilight Sparkle, magical nexus of unlimited power' in that paragraph

[Nyerguds]

5511356
Oh, wow. Yeah, I completely missed that, somehow. A careful reread made it all abundantly clear

[pahnazd]

Cats. The most evil beings in the history of ever.

[MythrilMoth]

This is now my absolute favorite chapter of this. This was just...brilliant.

[Bugsydor]

Thanks for writing this chapter. Rarity is best non-princess main character! She's so fun to read and write about...

[FanOfMostEverything]

And this is why every cat owner should invest in a falconry gauntlet, or something similarly designed to be clawed at.

[Kage no Brony]

5779240

When I go to see giant spiders of any description, I bring my grenade launcher. Fking eight legged freaks.

[ShadowLDrago]

As at cat owner, I can confirm that cats enjoy being difficult for the sole sake of annoying you.

[Raine_Lionheart]

A million cat owners cringed at the premise. This will not end well/easily/painlessly.

*reads fic*

That did not end well/easily/painlessly.

[Admiral Biscuit]

11193098
Cats are sharp bastards, and they know it.