I Am A Monster

by Vladmir Cavallo

I Am A Monster

Love is such a confusing thing. So hard to craft, so easy to shatter. A source of infinite joy, a catalyst for the greatest of tragedies. It manages to confound even I, the lord of confusion, the bane of order, the being that all others regard as a stain that must be removed. Love is truly a very chaotic thing. It comes and goes, it constantly changes...

And yet, even though we share many traits, love is all that I have come to despise.

It all started when I found her. The one that you now know as Princess Celestia, but who I knew as the single beacon of light in this cold, dark existence, the unknowing angel that had been sent down from the heavens to help me find my way. I was awestruck by her beauty, even in spite of how incredulous these feelings were. But then again, love is often born from the most implausible of situations.

And yet, I continued chasing after a hope that had been doomed from the beginning. She was an angel, but I was regarded as nothing more than a foul beast from the depths of Tartarus. Why had I not seen that it was never meant to be? Still, I tried to find some way of professing these feelings, lest they deprive me of whatever sanity I had to begin with. But being treated as a demon made it difficult to reach her. She was the princess, and I the lowly pauper.

I waited. Waited as days turned to weeks, which then gave way to months. Patience was never a virtue that I had greatly exemplified, but I was driven by a force that overcame mere habit. And then, the opportunity finally presented itself, as she was alone, wandering around the castle's gardens. Seizing the moment, I was quick to show myself and give away my feelings, the emotion pouring out like a painful waterfall. I ended my speech with a desperate plea to see who I really was, beyond what others had made me out to be, and presented to my goddess an offering: a bouquet of flowers that I had painstakingly chosen to best suit her.

Her expression of shock soon gave way to outrage as she threw my floral gift to the ground. She began berating me for having possibly thought that her and I could be together, serving to confirm the doubts that I had. Each word she spoke stung like arrows, and the truth of the situation slammed into me with all of the force of cannon fire. She concluded by stating that she never would love a monster like me, before walking away, having ripped out my heart and left me to bleed.

She called me a monster. I had heard "demon", I had heard "beast"...but that word, whether it was due to the slew of traits that came with it, or due to the one who gave it to me, crushed my soul and ground it into dust. It was then that I decided...

If everyone would call me nothing more than a monster, then perhaps I should embrace the label that has been assigned to me.

Perhaps I should become a monster.

And you know what?

I don't regret that decision to this day.

No, I don't regret it one bit. Because, with it, I soon found my true love, the one single thing that I could devote my life to, and the thing that did not judge me for who I was made out to be, who would accept me for who I was.

I found that the thing I loved above all was chaos.

And so, I began to spread this chaos throughout the land, finally being free from the shackles that I had bound myself to. I was able to have fun, even if it was at the expense of others. But who cares? After having suffered beyond imagination, seeing others share similar experiences had a delicious irony to it. In addition, I was able to show them what I could not in the past. I could show them what a "devil" or a "Tartarus-spawn" really was. They did not know the true meanings behind their words until then, and it was only with my enlightenment that they began to learn of them.

But not everyone appreciated the knowledge that I shared. The alicorns, who believed themselves to be the preservers of order, began stopping me at every turn. They professed love and tolerance, yet they were not able to tolerate someone such as me.

They're liars, that's what they are.

So I began what some would consider a massacre, but what I considered a cleansing. Freeing the world from their hypocrisy and prejudice. Famine, disease, tremors, blizzards, and storms alike all ravished their people, until they were all but extinct. And with their extinction came the unraveling of the lands, as grass turned to dust and water gave way to stone.

But I failed to realize that there were two survivors, who are still known far and wide to this day. Princess Luna...and none other than Celestia, the one who had helped me see things for what they really were.

They used their magic to bring what they considered life back into the lands, but what I saw as the death of the values I held near to my heart. Barren rock was replaced with lush meadows. The sun and the moon restored light to the empty void that the sky had become. I had created a work of art, and they sought to destroy it piece by piece.

And then they came for me.

I could not stand being confronted by the very same person I had poured my heart into, so I ran. I ran to the edge of the world, and still they pursued me, in an obsessive attempt to bring about the end of chaos. It could be likened to a genocide.

And at last, they finally found me. I, in blind arrogance that was driven by anger and desperation, attempted to battle them, but their powers were far too much for me to handle. And then they turned me into stone.

Have you been turned into stone? It is a horrible, horrible experience. The process is slow, oh so agonizingly slow. Imagine being slowly submerged into boiling lava, all movement ceasing as the excruciating wave of magic courses through your body, bringing all of your functions to a halt. And yet, they do not even show you the mercy of letting you die. No, you still live, trapped in a nigh-endless purgatory.

And the worst part?

The last thing I saw was none other than Celestia.

Time began marching onwards, yet to me, it felt as if it had come to a complete standstill. Time began losing all meaning in my current state, so I simply retreated inwards, delving into my own mind, with only lamenting words to comfort me. I had some degree of awareness as a statue, but all I ever saw was other ponies, gazing at me and making a variety of different remarks, most of them commenting on how hideous I looked.

Celestia had turned me into a trophy of her victory. She had put me there so that every single individual could laugh at me, so that I could never go without a reminder of the ugly creature that I had became. Anger began coursing through me, and from my confinement, I plotted revenge. Thousands of years spent plotting revenge. Either that, or cursing the two princesses for giving me this fate without a second doubt.

After centuries of hatred and despise, I felt the hold on my spell begin to weaken. I once again felt power shoot through my body. And finally, after countless years trapped in one place...

I was free.

The first thing I did was bring vengeance upon the artifacts that had condemned me to my fate, the Elements of Harmony. And it was easy. Too easy. Perhaps Celestia had no longer considered me a threat, perhaps she thought me to be forever doomed. How wrong she was.

With me having been freed, chaos began spreading across Equestria. Not on a grand scale, no. That would be saved for later. I'm talking about little things, like cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain. Have you ever tried chocolate rain? It's delicious, and I'm sure that Pinkie Pie will be able to attest to that.

I soon discovered that the Elements had chosen new bearers. A motley of six different ponies, each with their own little quirks and habits. As I watched them deal with my antics, I found myself becoming...endeared towards them. It was almost cute, how they tried to stand tall in the face of chaos.

But eventually they snapped. They always do.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Where was I...oh, yes. When these six were called to Canterlot to meet with the Princess, Celestia told them about me...yet she failed to tell them the whole story, nor did she tell them my side of the story.

I hate alicorns. They're a bunch of liars.

However, when they found out that the Elements were gone...oh, you should've seen their faces! Priceless! It had been ages since I had seen such a reaction of shock and hopelessness. It reminded me of just how entertaining this really was. Of course, Celestia got mad at me and demanded that I show my face.

If it was even possible, she had gotten even more boring than she was to begin with. I don't know how I managed to fall in love with her, honestly.

So I did indeed appear before them, and formally introduced myself to the six. Celestia didn't seem to care for my sense of humor. But then again, no one else did, either. I then introduced them to a game of mine. Oh, how I loved this game. I've played it with a few of the alicorns before, you know. It's easy, really. Just trap them in a labyrinth and see how long it takes for madness to settle in. After all, what's the point of just killing them if you can't have a little fun with it?

And even better, why destroy them when they can destroy themselves for you?

So, they accepted to my little game. And I began confronting them one by one, making them see things from my point of view, making them abandon order and instead give in to the forces of chaos. It was almost pathetic how easily they fell. Usually it took days for them to break, after starvation and desperation began clouding their minds.

If you ask me, the Elements are becoming much more lax in their policies for choosing people to bear them.

Anyways, after I managed to trick one of them into breaking the rules that I had so delicately laid out, they lost and I won. But I always win this game. I'm the champion of this game. And my new-found victory, combined with the sheer look on that Twilight's little face, just made me start laughing, harder than I could ever remember.

Why is it that no one likes me laughing? Laughing is a good feeling. We laugh when we're happy. Do I not deserve to be happy?

I then began shaping Ponyville into a chaotic masterpiece. Roads of soap, flying pigs, raining pies...oh, it was truly a sight to see! I was contemplating simply razing the entire town, but this was far more entertaining!

Oh, and the screaming! Shrieks from all around, whether they were from agony or horror, filled the air like a fog, and I loved every moment of it!

Little Twilight thought that she could defeat me with the Elements, but this almighty power of friendship simply fizzled out! With her friends turned against her, and as her joy and happiness shattered like a piece of glass, harmony was dead! I had won!

I had never before felt such joy, such mirth! At long last, after more years of imprisonment than I had cared to count, I had finally taken over Equestria! This was the day that I had longed for since my last rule, and it was just as good...no, it was even better than my domination from millennia ago! For not only had I succeeded in conquering the kingdom, but Celestia and her pawns got the justice that they rightfully deserved!

But then...it happened.

I don't know how, but somehow, Twilight had managed to break free from my curse, and restore both the Elements of Harmony and her friends. In blind hubris that was fueled by my victory, I did not view the second attack as a threat, until it was too late, the Elements enveloping me in a blinding vortex.

And then I was turned into a statue.

Again.

Why must you ponies subject me to such torture?! What have I ever done that deserves such a wickedly disproportionate retribution?! Celestia, why could you not see me for who I really was?! Why did you spread these lies, these falsehoods about me?!

How would all of you like it if I turned you into stone?! You don't know what it feels like! But you don't care! You don't care how much suffering you put others through, so long as your dictatorship remains unchallenged!

How does it feel, Celestia, knowing that you were to blame for the destruction of your race?! If you had not shoved me aside, treated me with such indignation, then this monster you have now created would not have existed! You consider me evil, but it is you who is to blame for both my own suffering and the suffering of your people!

I'll watch your castle burn, Celestia! I'll watch everything you loved, this kingdom of deceit that you have worked so hard to create, burn down into the ground! I'll watch you burn down with it! And I'll laugh!

...

And so, here I am again. Stuck in this cage. I have no more hope. Hope has abandoned me...or perhaps I had abandoned it. I don't know anymore, but honestly...I don't care.

Sometimes, I wish I had eyes, so I can cry when I remember her face.

Sometimes, I wish I had a mouth, so I can scream when I remember her lies.

And sometimes I wish, beyond all rational thinking, that Celestia will at last be able to remember that day, and finally see me for who I really was.

I wish that somewhere inside her heart, there is some fragment of guilt for what she has done.

I wish that her and I could finally set aside our differences and embrace the love that she had shattered in eons past.

But I know that none of this will come to pass.

Because I am a monster.

And that will never change.

Comments

[Silver the Sojourner]

I don't think a creature of chaos really deserves a second chance. They're broken to begin with. Nothing can change that. Oh well. I like this. A job well done.

[BR]

Good....GOOD....

[PhoKingAzn]

awesome

[That_one_guy]

One could argue that it's Celestia that broke him in the first place. Little girls are mean.

But he still doesn't deserve any pity. I mean holy fuck the guy enacted full-scale genocide on his crush's people because he got rejected? Fuck damn. That makes the "chaotic evil" and "complete monster" labels look kind of warm and fuzzy.

[Vladmir Cavallo]

The creator of the comic had stated that Discord was well down the path of evil regardless. Celestia's rejection just accelerated the process a bit.

[Silent Breeze]

"How would all of you like it if I turned you into stone?! You don't know what it feels like!"
Twilight does

Heared the song and read the comic. And now I read the fic, so my life is complete

[Path_of_cloud]

Discord was hated, treated horribly, and constantly belittled; yet with all his powers he could of easily taken care of them but he didn't because he allowed his love for Celestia to bind him and restrain him from doing what would be so easy. 514199 he didn't do it because she rejected him; her rejections took the single ray of hope in his miserable and dark world and silenced it. He let everyone walk on him, lived in a state of eternal damnation, to be a better man for her, he felt that he had earned and deserved at least a chance at her love, and yet she treated him worse then the rest of them when he had finally revealed his true feelings. At that point their was nothing left and the gates holding back his rage and anger at them all for what they had did to him, what they had made him, came crashing down. "And sometimes I wish, beyond all rational thinking, that Celestia will at last be able to remember that day, and finally see me for who I really was." who he was, what he had lived through for her, but not who he is now for what she allowed him to turn into.

513872 514216 And i find myself disagreeing with the author that had she at least considered him and seen him for what he was and who he was trying to be for her, his chaotic (and no im not giving anyone evil, Chaos is natural and necessary where do you think fun, humor, and love come from) nature could have been kept in check and more innocent in practice.

Oh and just so were all clear Humans are the embodiment of chaos straining for order. Yin and Yang people Yin and Yang

Oh and great piece very touching but im sure that was obvious from my rant

[Hecatia]

DAYUM it's deep

[Ozzy]

That was incredible.

[Broadway]

"Still, I tried to find some way of professing these feelings, lest they derive me of whatever sanity I had to begin with."
--should be deprive

"The sun and the moon restored light to the empty void that the sky had became."
--should be become

Those were just two typos I noticed.

Great job, by the way!

[Vladmir Cavallo]

548065
Bah. I've always been bad with the "had become"/"had became" scenarios. Thank you for pointing that out, though. I'll make a mental note so that doesn't show up again.

[Broadway]

548074
No prob! I'm happy to help!

[AverageMemory]

Holy what? Dang that hurt even me.
I applaud you good sir.

[LadyMoondancer]

My problem with this kind of fic is that they imply that Celestia owes him her love because . . . well, because he really wants it, basically. It doesn't matter what SHE wants. He is allowed to choose what his ideal mate would look like (an angel, a goddess, strikingly beautiful), but she is some kind of bitchy hell-beast for refusing to get it on with someone who is, by almost any standards you care to name, pretty damn hideous and who has never even talked to her before. Because he is a Nice Guy who has been staring at her for a long time. ("Dude . . . that's creepy." )

[Vladmir Cavallo]

548196
Well, you must remember, this is Discord who's telling this whole story. He isn't necessarily the most reliable of narrators...

[nobodyreallyimportant]

wait, that wasnt celestia in the comic. oh well, its an easy mistake

[Vladmir Cavallo]

548271
...no, I'm certain it was Celestia. It was just the pink-haired variant.

[nobodyreallyimportant]

548344
i think there was a large debate about it and the author eventually said that it wasnt celestia.
meh, it dosent really matter.

[Rhulain]

548196

well theres a difference between rejecting someone and outright crushing them. read it again, and think about what Celestia did

[RainbowBob]

Wow...this is an extremely deep story. So instead of being the god of chaos and disharmony, Discord was actually just a lonely dude who everyone branded as a monster. This actually makes me feel bad for him, because it must suck to be judged for how you look instead of who you are as a person. We humans do it all the time, but it seems that even ponies fall into our sins as well. And it was only when Celestia herself, his true love, rejected him, that he began to become the monster that everyone branded him. So basally Discord never wanted to be the chaotic monster he is today, but since everyone saw him as one, he finally accepted it. This is what I think as the best Discord backstory ever, since it dwells so deeply in his psyche and his original reason for being evil. I also love it because it portrays Princess Celestai as a villain which I love, just because I hate it when someone is too perfect, and a thousand year old benevolent ruler fits into that category, so it was refreshing to finally see Celestia as the bad guy, even if it's from Discord's perspective. Excellent story and great read, keep up the awesome work!!!

[Doctor Agon]

So sad T-T

[MaxMounty]

bro no words can express how i feel about this so i think this gif will do 27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3gos067LR1r4rcsro1_400.gif

[Fury of the Tempest]

I've read a story like this, as well as having read the comic...
But this was still, beautifully written and different from the others... well done.

[BrendBrony]

Well done, friend. This certainly was a good read.

[Csquared08]

Discord's descent into madness was well done.

Have a mustache - or three.

[AverageMemory]

I'm ready. Depression. Think about it, what if Celestia didn't reject him?

It boggles the mind.

[Karach]

I'm sorry but I just couldn't help it. I know it should have been deep, but all the while I read it I heard (in my mind) as if it was being read by De Lancie himself. And no, his voice couldn't have sounded anything but serious.
What's more, halfway through the story I suddenly imagined poor Discord sitting in some dirty bar in the depths of Tartarus, over a glass of some whiskey, with Chrysalis, complaining to her how he failed to beat the world.

Imagine that ending:

Discord: "So, yeah, I got cocky and those foals turned me back to stone."
Chrysalis: "Yeah, I know how you feel. I almost conquered Equestria with an army of changelings and what stopped me? A lovey-dovey princess and her knight in shining armor." (with disgust)
Discord (snickering): "Oh, that's rich. Beaten by love. And I thought losing to friendship was humiliating." (rolling on the floor, laughing)
Chrysalis splashes the contents of her glass all over Discord's face, while he still laughs uncontrollably, and walks away, muttering curses under her breath.

So yeah, probably the polar opposite of what you had in mind while writing, but it was an enjoyable read, nonetheless.

[Vladmir Cavallo]

611139
(Late reply is late)

Oh, that's fine. Even if the story is supposed to be deep and moving and all of that, if I'm making someone laugh, then at least I'm doing something right.

[shadowprose]

I absolutely loved this.
The only thing I didn't like was "Celestia didn't seem to care for my sense of humor. But then again, no pony else did, either." Because Pinkie clearly did enjoy his sense of humor.

[Vladmir Cavallo]

1724292
Intense sadness can make you blind to a lot of things...

[El Dante]

Hey there, not to rain on your parade or anything, but I saw the Discordantly comic a while back myself, and I've written something similar to this. Sorry about that.

I started this project of mine about a year ago, then I found this story of yours some time after that. I didn't have a FIMfiction account at the time, but now that I do, I feel I owe it to you to tell you about this.

The part that shares the same idea as yours is only my first chapter. (If you'd like to see it, you should be able to find it here. )
There are obvious differences, such as how mine is human, but we share a common inspiration. This project of mine is pretty long, though, and this common element is only present in the first chapter.

Once again, I apologize for how mine might make you feel...

[Vladmir Cavallo]

1894646
Now, what makes you think I would take offense to that? If my idea's been done before, I don't let that stop me from writing something. Plus, creativity is simply too limitless and expansive for me to guarantee that something I'm writing hasn't already been done in some way. If anything, I can take comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one who would possibly think of writing about a certain topic.

[Starlight Nova]

I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW KEEP CALM AND FLUTTER ON FITS IN ON/WITH THIS STORY!!!

[Dark Colt Sabata]

2109002 I don't think it does.

[Borg]

2109002 That's what headcanons are for. Go on, get creative, it'll be well worth it when you have everything neatly connected together and the structure is truly yours and yours alone.

[NorthernHaste]

2109002
This pre-dates Keep Calm and Flutter on. That's all there is to say on this matter.

[megblaster]

Wow. Just... wow.