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Equestria lies in the wake of the Apocalypse! The dead have begun to rise and walk. They're hungry for flesh.
This is the story of how a stallion, his brother, and his best friend survive and attempt to find a cure.
The Walking Dead is owned by AMC
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
This is a non-profit fan-made parody. No copyright infringement intended.
STORY CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE!
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I like the story. But Its too rushed.
slow down if you can. Put some details I want to imagine the area and the ponies and their dilemma better
5254315 Any tips on how I can slow it down? I'll gladly try and fix before starting on Chapter 2.
5254325
I believe I can help out. First thing's first, we should have a better idea of what's going on. At the moment we don't have much context, as nice as it is to jump straight into the action, we don't know anything about these characters, who and where they are. At the moment I can't see the characters have much personality, and more to the point, if I took the characters into a generic setting, it would be the same. To that end I suggest adding more elements that ground the story in Equestria. This is a minor thing that maybe only bothers me, but guns have never been shown in the show so the mention of it and possible appearance later seems out of place.
If you like you can take a look at my story to so you can get a general idea of what I'm talking about. Now I'm not suggesting any ideas be used without asking me first, always put your own spin put on it.
One thing that probably hurts the story would be the title. I was also inspired by The Walking Dead, but frankly it should stand out on its own. Keeping the general theme of the series works, but a derivative title won't bring about interested readers. Good call on the first chapter title though. Makes sense in context.
Really the ideas are there, but we need those ideas fleshed out.
chapter 2 should be a flashback to the beginning of the apocalypse, showing how they started as a group, the first trotters. You should also introduce a few unicorns, maybe a few unicorn trotters that are harder to kill
5255113 Alright. Gotcha. Inquisitor-Awesome and I are working on a revised 1st chapter.
5256887 Thanks for the idea. I love it.
I'm thinking unicorns with magic amplifiers, since they don't have guns.
5256906 I was thinking of scratching the guns idea.
5256954 They are ponies, so they don't have guns, but there are unicorns, so magic amplifiers would make telekinesis stronger
5256964 Right.
5256974 you gotta remember that there are other races too. Minotaurs, griffins, zebras, just to name a few
5257001 By the way, it's spelled Gryphon.
whatever
5257665 This story is just getting started. Wait for it to unfold.
Maybe you could add a scene from the future and put it into the chapter before the actually start
E.g: The two stallions sped down the corridor running away from the trotters. But even so, Bursting didn't feel the adrenaline. He was feeling a variety of emotions. Sad, angry, confused. As the colts passed through the doorway, the realisation sank into his head. Acoustic is dead.
--1 hour earlier--
The trio saw a building far off in the distance etc...
That's what I'm doing a lot of in my story. Also instead of guns you could use hand cannons (or hoof cannons) because cannons exist in Equestria e.g. party cannon
5258068 Technically, a hoofcannon is a handgun.
Thanks for the tip though.
You took my advice for a flashback
5261634 It wasn't a flashback.
Great story bro I know your one of the best writers I know :)
5263625 Much obliged.
5262417 so he has the eyepatch after the start of the story?
5266042 Yes. The picture makes sense now, I hope.
cool
5270331 Thanks
not bad story at all, seems way rushed and as if there wasn't much thought to 'fleshing' out the tale, but the tale itself and its sick twisted ending makes up for it, though I wish there had been more description to the 'trotters' than rotting ponies, and the Idea of the Princesses being undead was great (Again, I felt not enough detail to their new appearance) this could have been bigger, but it was surprisingly gripping for the current writing style, Hope ya write anothers!! CUPCAKES!!!=^.^=
5270607 This was my first time writing this kind of story. I tend to rush the plot, but it wasn't nearly as bad this time as it was in my very first story that I wrote a year ago.
Thanks for the positive feedback!
I have a group that this would go in Zombies and Assassins
5285288 Alright.
A good start, but for proper writing reasons, you should remove the commas after every sentence of dialogue.
And for the bits that have periods ending the dialogue, you should do this.
Ex: "I don't know. Grab a piece of wood, or that floor lamp," Acoustic Pulse, a brown earth pony with a pale blue mane and tail, ordered.
Great story. Rushed, but great.
6708416 Thanks.