First Blood
A virus was ravaging the land. The dead were somehow alive and trotting again. From the looks of things, there was no possible way to stop this virus, except wait and hope for the best.
A new day had begun in the small town of Ponyville. The sun was shining, and the sky was clear. A stallion and his brother awoke to the sound of growling coming from outside their bedroom door.
"The hell is that?" Bursting Atom, a yellow unicorn with a red mane and tail, asked.
"I don't know. Grab a piece of wood, or that floor lamp," Acoustic Pulse, a brown earth pony with a pale blue mane and tail, ordered.
Bursting broke two legs off of a chair and gave one to Acoustic.
"Here. We're gonna need these," he whispered.
Acoustic crept up to the door and opened it. It was their parents, except they were bloodied and the stench of death was emanating from them, and filled the house with it.
The two trotting corpses lunged at the two brothers.
"NOW!" Acoustic shouted as the two brothers began bludgeoning the zombies back to death.
"Shit. God damn, that was close!" Bursting sighed.
"We're safe for now. Let's get the fuck out of here," Acoustic said.
"You don't have to tell me twice!" Bursting laughed as they exited.
"There's more outside. Be ready to run!" Acoustic advised.
"Bro, I'm not sure if we're gonna survive this," Bursting whispered.
"If you think you'll die, you will," Acoustic shrugged.
He opened the front door, and Bursting followed him out. There were several trotters wandering around in the streets. The sight of Acoustic and Bursting set them off.
"RUN, RUN! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, JUST RUN!" Acoustic shouted.
"What about you?" Bursting asked.
"I'LL BE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Acoustic snapped.
"Alright, I'm going," Bursting sighed and ran.
Acoustic stabbed one in the forehead with his chair leg. It was stuck, so he couldn't use it against the other trotters.
"SHIT!" he yelled in frustration.
He took off in full gallop.
"ACOUSTIC! YOU'RE ALRIGHT!" Bursting smiled when he saw his older brother.
"For now. Let's move," Acoustic whispered.
The whole herd of trotters wandered by them, paying the brothers no mind.
"We should check it out," Bursting said.
"I don't like that idea, but let's roll," Acoustic replied.
The two brothers followed the trotters until they saw another stallion.
"Isn't that your friend?" Bursting asked.
"Yeah, it's Lightning Strike," Acoustic answered.
Lightning snapped a trotter's neck and flew away, leaving the trotters to eat the fallen one.
"Hey, you alright?" Acoustic asked.
"Well, yeah, considering the circumstances. It could be worse," Lightning said.
"I suppose you're right. We need some weapons though. These damned trotters don't kill themselves, although that would surely make things a hell of a lot easier," Acoustic retorted.
"It'll be slightly easier if we find some swords or guns," Bursting suggested.
Acoustic and Lightning laughed and nodded in agreement.
"Let's go try and find some," Acoustic said.
The three stallions set off to find weapons.
"You know what I don't get?" Bursting asked after a while.
"What?" Acoustic asked.
"The three of us seem to be the only survivors in Equestria," Bursting answered.
"There are others. And they'll probably try to kill you if you get in their way," Lightning cut in.
"What makes you say that?" Bursting wondered.
"BECAUSE I HAD TO KILL SOMEPONY WHO WASN'T A TROTTER!" Lightning snapped.
"Why?" Bursting asked.
"Because the fucker tried to kill me first. I gauged his eyes out. I never wanted to kill anypony. Equestria was a peaceful place. Crime rates were low, and murder rates were nonexistent. Now, Equestria lies in the ashes of its former glory. Everypony is either a walking corpse or a savage! It shouldn't be this way. It's evil, it's wrong!" Lightning was in tears.
"Look, we're going through desperate times. Desperate times call for desperate measures. If a motherfucker is trying to kill you, waste the son of a bitch," Acoustic replied.
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! NONE OF YOU KNOW!" Lightning yelled.
"Yes, we do. We bludgeoned our parents to death because they became trotters! Now if you'll please shut the fuck up and keep moving, it'll be much appreciated," Acoustic snapped.
"Acoustic, I'm sorry, I had no idea," Lightning sighed.
"Sorry doesn't bring them back. Sorry doesn't kill trotters. Sorry is meaningless nowadays. The only reason I'm forgiving you is because that's what friends do," Acoustic grumbled.
"Guys, calm down. You're gonna attract trotters!" Bursting warned.
"He's right," Lightning said.
The trio was silent for the longest time. They didn't really have a planned destination. All they had was the need for defenses. Food and water were also necessities. After a while, they saw smoke.
"There's a camp ahead. I want you both to very carefully approach it. If they're honourable, they won't kill us because we're unarmed," Acoustic whispered.
"No problem," Bursting said.
Lightning said nothing, and simply nodded.
Acoustic approached the camp first. Several ponies eyed him suspiciously.
"Who are you?" a yellow pony with a black mane asked.
"Just a passerby," Acoustic answered.
"Why are you here?" She asked.
"Well, you see, I was moving through this area, and I saw smoke. I thought you wanted to die," Acoustic smirked.
"Beg your pardon?" the mare asked.
"Smoke attracts trotters. Unless you wanna be trotter fodder, I'd suggest putting it out," Acoustic warned.
"You waltz up into my camp and tell me how to run it?" she snorted.
"If you think I won't kill you where you stand, you're sadly mistaken," Acoustic threatened.
The yellow pony grabbed a sword and jumped at Acoustic.
"Almost gotcha," she smirked.
"Almost only counts in horseshoes and hoof grenades," Acoustic retorted, punching the pony in the face.
Her nose began to bleed.
"You're unarmed?" she asked.
"Yep, and I'll still kill your ass," Acoustic threatened.
"I'll be the judge of that," she smirked.
Acoustic grabbed her by the throat and choked her. She dropped her sword trying to stab him.
"D-damn you to Hell," she gasped for air.
"I'm already there," Acoustic replied and the mare died of asphyxiation.
He picked up her sword.
Two stallions attacked Acoustic. He slit one's throat, but the other had more of a fight in him.
"I'll kill you slowly," he said.
"You'll have to get through my defenses first," Acoustic laughed as he picked up a second sword from the dead stallion.
"We'll see," the other stallion said.
Acoustic quickly disarmed and decapitated the second stallion.
"Well, that was easy. I was expecting more of a challenge," he sighed.
He picked up a third sword and took off. He gave a sword to Bursting and Lightning. The trio was now armed and dangerous.
"Let's go before I get carried away and wipe out this whole damned camp," Acoustic whispered.
END OF CHAPTER 1!
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I like the story. But Its too rushed.
slow down if you can. Put some details I want to imagine the area and the ponies and their dilemma better
5254315 Any tips on how I can slow it down? I'll gladly try and fix before starting on Chapter 2.
5254325
I believe I can help out. First thing's first, we should have a better idea of what's going on. At the moment we don't have much context, as nice as it is to jump straight into the action, we don't know anything about these characters, who and where they are. At the moment I can't see the characters have much personality, and more to the point, if I took the characters into a generic setting, it would be the same. To that end I suggest adding more elements that ground the story in Equestria. This is a minor thing that maybe only bothers me, but guns have never been shown in the show so the mention of it and possible appearance later seems out of place.
If you like you can take a look at my story to so you can get a general idea of what I'm talking about. Now I'm not suggesting any ideas be used without asking me first, always put your own spin put on it.
One thing that probably hurts the story would be the title. I was also inspired by The Walking Dead, but frankly it should stand out on its own. Keeping the general theme of the series works, but a derivative title won't bring about interested readers. Good call on the first chapter title though. Makes sense in context.
Really the ideas are there, but we need those ideas fleshed out.
chapter 2 should be a flashback to the beginning of the apocalypse, showing how they started as a group, the first trotters. You should also introduce a few unicorns, maybe a few unicorn trotters that are harder to kill
5255113 Alright. Gotcha. Inquisitor-Awesome and I are working on a revised 1st chapter.
5256887 Thanks for the idea. I love it.
I'm thinking unicorns with magic amplifiers, since they don't have guns.
5256906 I was thinking of scratching the guns idea.
5256954 They are ponies, so they don't have guns, but there are unicorns, so magic amplifiers would make telekinesis stronger
5256964 Right.
5256974 you gotta remember that there are other races too. Minotaurs, griffins, zebras, just to name a few
5257001 By the way, it's spelled Gryphon.
whatever
5257665 This story is just getting started. Wait for it to unfold.
Maybe you could add a scene from the future and put it into the chapter before the actually start
E.g: The two stallions sped down the corridor running away from the trotters. But even so, Bursting didn't feel the adrenaline. He was feeling a variety of emotions. Sad, angry, confused. As the colts passed through the doorway, the realisation sank into his head. Acoustic is dead.
--1 hour earlier--
The trio saw a building far off in the distance etc...
That's what I'm doing a lot of in my story. Also instead of guns you could use hand cannons (or hoof cannons) because cannons exist in Equestria e.g. party cannon
A good start, but for proper writing reasons, you should remove the commas after every sentence of dialogue.
And for the bits that have periods ending the dialogue, you should do this.
Ex: "I don't know. Grab a piece of wood, or that floor lamp," Acoustic Pulse, a brown earth pony with a pale blue mane and tail, ordered.