• Member Since 13th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 6th, 2015

Julia


T

Follow Scootaloo through a tale of cycling through sadness and happiness at once, confusions of what to believe, and feelings of hopelessness that can only be driven away by a smile. Will Scootaloo find out the truths which plague her as they go unanswered?

Or will her entire world be lived within child-like ignorance and hellish bliss of not knowing what goes on behind the affairs of those superior to her?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

I forgot to read this earlier. One word: epicsauce.

I like what you have written thus far and would like to read more from this! I shall be most definitely keeping tabs on this story.

-frost:pinkiesmile:

Also, nitpicking for your sake. Give it another edit.

"I'll never give up, Big Sis'! Someday, I'll become great like you! Everypony knows this.." she said after she face planted from a flying attempt."

could be (except for the grammar ones which SHOULD be)

"I'll never give up, Big Sis'! Someday, I'll become great like you! Everypony knows this[...][space]" said Scootaloo as she lifted her head out of the dirt-- a situation that arose from a flying-attempt (or flight attempt) went wrong."

P.S. Face-planted with a hyphen if you choose to keep it.

Scootaloo began to cry too. She wanted to tell Rainbow that it was Sweetie Belle who helped her come up with the quote, but she was afraid it may ruin the moment. Sorry Sweetie Belle, but you're gonna have to go unaccredited.

Where's the random tag? This is fourth wall breaking, mang. If this is what you think is comedy, it ain't working... at least for me. Get others opinion on this. Also, "... might ruin the moment", not may. Also, "Sorry, Sweetie Belle, but..." Put that comma there.

"I see... and this brave little filly fought him too? Er... at least she tried to?" Celestia replied, looking to the orange filly, who was bandaged up around her head, chest, and partially around her hooves. "Is that right... Scootaloo?"

"I tried to stop him, but I couldn't... am I gonna get banished for letting him get away?" Scootaloo asked Celestia.

... Scoots just fought him off, her dear 'sister', the one she loves and adores so much is in the hopsital and she might just die... AND she ASKS about GETTING BANISHED? Are you forreal? No emotions? No feelings? Tinge of regret? "It's all my fault! I could have saved Rainbow Dash so she wouldn't get hurt!" None of this? .... Sigh.

Whelp, I did say I was tired. One last thing.

"Don't fuck around, Scoots."

... Well, maybe it's just me, but swearing in this fics are unnecessary. Again, my opinion. Seek others opinions too.

One last advice: Love writing for the love of your characters, not for the love of writing a story.

... Somehow, this premise promises, but needs lots of polishing. I'd give it a push, write more, see how it goes. Feel the character and write as if you were them. You'll get them viewers (if you so truly want them so badly).

I... uh... um.... I'm afraid to say that I did not enjoy this story than I wanted to. I'm definitely giving you an A+ for effort, though. I mean, I could not write even a chapter that has more than 5,000 words for the life of me! Also, your detail is pretty splendid as well.

However, what drives me back is one thing: the characterization of Scootaloo. Throughout the story, she was pretty much a cursing little brat who made hissy fits left and right. Yes, I would actually be mad too if somepony I adored was brutally killed by something or somepony. I mean, look at this quote!

"I always thought a funeral was supposed to be a celebration of death! A celebration! This isn't a celebration, this is only... a...a... sad fest of who can cry the loudest! I don't want to cry anymore! I don't want to see anypony else hurting over this... I don't like to see the ones I love crying... Hurting... feeling all of this damn pain! Isn't it bad enough that it's raining on us? That we lost her?! She would make this better... if only... if only she were here!"

To me, this is not Scootaloo. I just can't imagine her actually shouting like this at Rainbow Dash's funeral. Also, her saying the other quote didn't help either. I'm sorry, but this just ruins the story for me.

Finally reviewed this for the Goodfic Bin. Honestly, I'm not quite sure what to think of this just yet, aside from the fact that I need to see more of it in order to make a proper decision. For now, I'm rejecting this until more is published, so I can be more certain as to how it's going to progress.

Details are here.

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