The disguise kit coded itself into Ratchet's arena combat profile as the group teleported into the arena. In addition to pink glasses and a fake mustache, Ratchet's orange-yellow fur was turned the same purple of Twilight's coat, though the brown markings remained unchanged. "My pseudonym better not be 'Sergeant Sparkle'," Ratchet grumbled as Twilight giggled.
In the center of the arena, an announcer's platform rose up, revealing Qwark holding a microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" he proclaimed loudly. "Join me in welcoming our guest of honor! Your Cragmite Overlord - and my new best friend - Emperor Tachyon!"
Twilight whistled appreciatively under her breath as Tachyon appeared on a large screen. "He's gotten that close already?"
Once applause began - encouraged by two Drophyids shaking their weapons at the audience - Qwark gestured to Ratchet and the group. "Let the battle begin!"
All three of them had been through arenas in the past, and this one - at its heart - was no different. Sure, the obstacles and enemies were different, but the essence of it was the same, and it was relatively easy for them to adapt their experience to the new situation. As they fought through the first three waves of enemies, Qwark continued his announcing.
"Our first challengers come to us from the, err, Corrigé galaxy-verse."
I guess he really does know his French, Twilight thought to herself.
"Their names are...Moustachio...Furioso, and...Pirate Princess Periwinkle!"
Twilight managed to conceal her face fault in a headbutt.
As they continued fighting, Qwark continued to announce. "Now, normally these matches only allow one challenger at a time, but it turns out that today is Take Your Daughter to Work Day by the Old Earth Calendar as measured by the JL-666 guild of Terachnoids, so a special exception was made for this father/daughter team...and look at them go!"
Qwark's other announcements showed he was tapping into who he had been back before meetting up with Twilight, especially his comment about the groupies. The fact that this led to Twilight trying to hide from the audience under Ratchet led to hilarious laughter from the audience.
After the three waves were down, a giant, cybernetically enhanced fish monster was released to leap into the fight. "Okay, troopers!" Qwark announced. "It's time-"
"For dinner?" Twilight called out eagerly. "I haven't had a good meal in days, and that fishy looks yummy!"
The fish monster cried out in terror as it proceeded to run circles around the arena with Twilight in hot pursuit after it.
"I have no idea where that music is coming from!" Qwark proclaimed innocently as he stepped away from the arena's sound controls.
Eventually, the chase ended with Crushto - the fish monster - leaping into the magma that surrounded the arena platform to escape Twilight. With that done, Qwark appeared in the arena to offer the congratulations, as well as the prize.
"Congratulations!" he proclaimed. "You lot remind me of me when I was a young fighter. Only...shorter, and less strapping."
"So how goes the undercover work?" Ratchet asked calmly.
"Unpleasant," Qwark replied fervently. "Here. This vid pack has all the information you'll need. I've disabled the optical relay, so it can only be viewed on a non-Imperial ship computer. And here's the Heli-pack gadget you won as a prize." He quickly handed the two items over.
"Ingrate!" Tachyon proclaimed from the display screen. "Quit messing around and get over here! I have boils that require lancing."
As the screen turned off, Qwark shuddered. "I don't know how much more of this I can take..." he whimpered.
"Did I give you clearance to quake in fear, Captain?" Ratchet barked out without warning.
Instinctively, Qwark straightened up. "No sir!"
"Then I don't want to see any quaking!" Ratchet snapped. "You get back up there and keep pulling the wool over the eyes of the big bad! We need the information you're getting us. Don't let me down soldier!"
Qwark saluted, his whole body thrumming with pride. "Sir yes sir!"
Twilight smiled as she patted Qwark's hand with her hoof. "Good luck!"
With a wide grin, Qwark returned to his 'post'.
In order to cover for Qwark so the extended conversation wouldn't draw suspicion, Ratchet and Twilight ran through several more arena challenges before leaving to head on their way.
After making use of the Heli-pod gadget to open the way out, the trio made their way back to Aphelion to play the new vid-pack. It turned out to be a recruitment video from Tachyon himself.
"Greetings, inferior beings of Polaris," he stated calmly. "Does your life lack a sense of purpose? Do you constantly worry about finding steady income? Do you like killing stuff? Then join the imperial army and aid me in my humble quest for galactic domination. Here you'll travel to new places, meet interesting people, and execute them in the name of...Me!"
"Hold the phone!" Qwark's voiceover cut in, along with a cardboard cutout. "Did you say I could meet interesting people?"
"Why yes I did, celebrity hero Qwark," Tachyon replied.
"That sounds terrific!" Qwark gasped excitedly. "Tell me more!"
Twilight decided to quickly skim through the rest of the video, focusing on the important details. "The Lombax Secret?" she asked in shock.
"Any idea what that's about, Aphelion?" Ratchet asked.
"I'm sorry, but that data is hard coded," Aphelion apologized.
"That means it's important," Twilight surmised. "Set course for the Nundac Asteroid Ring!"
Oh god, I'm rolling on the floor right now. Just wait til Twilight meets Taliwan Appogee
>Reads along to fish-chase scene
>Hears "Yakety Sax" play in head
>Youtube link is said tune
Get out of my head!!
Ooooooooh, boy, Twilgiht's gonna have a field day when Talwyn and Ratchet meet. Best fan couple of the series, in my opinion.
Yakety Sax. Sounds about right. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Tachyon can't even see a backstab happening when it's right in front of him.... there is no hope for this villain. I pity Qwark having to put up with him... though if we get to see Qwark lay a beat down on him later I'll cheer.
So I take it we're just going to assume Sparkle Squad never wants to see their group leader then?
6574462
We're going to assume that they're too busy engaging with Tachyon's forces in Solana to go hunting for Ratchet and the others when they don't know where they went.
6574473 sorry, just a fan of the Rangers is all
Still, not even a visit after all those years? Dick move Twilight, dick move
6574499
Right. A dick move to not visit friends in a war zone when suffering from PTSD.
I'm not sure about this, but shouldn't that be "Polaris"? I feel like that's the spelling that was used in the rest of the story.
6574519 well played Tatsurou, well played
lol, that chase music
Another enjoyable chapter. Well done.
The chase scene was funny
Poor Qwark and his 'friendship' with Tachyon.
Once applause began - encouraged by to Drophyids shaking their weapons at the audience
1. Umm... Two?
We cannot wait for another chapter.
On one hand, Talwyn is next, on the other, so is Kronk and that other robot I can't recall the name of. Can we go back to having Qwark be the comic relief? Because when he wants to be he is actually decent at it. Kronk and, I think his name was, Sprocket are just a couple old people jokes and they harp on that one joke endlessly.
I see ponies in your future.
Poor Qwark.
I read that as "Set course for the Nudist Asteroid Ring!"
I feel as though, if one did not expect what was in that link, then that person has never heard Yakety Sax in their entire life.
Also, I love how Ratchet motivates Quark.
6574499 Which is more important, trying to find three or four people with no lead or staying behind so that they can protect the civilians? The first option would be a bad move, leaving many to die. Their leader would not approve.
In another Universe, a Purple cat with a Dog Fetish named Grape Jelly Sandwich, gained the urge to strangle someone...
And in that Same Universe, a Pointer Mix with a red collar and a Cat Fetish named Peanut Butter Sandwich, started to snigger For a reason he can't understand.
9802977
ok, that needs an explanation...because THAT has to be a funny story...
9802977
Holy crap, that made me laugh. Haven't read Housepets! in a while.
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See below.