Saturday dawned clear and bright, to the announcement of a brand new event that would span several weeks, dozens of planets, and three galaxies, as racers from all across the known universe raced against each other on tracks designed to test their mettle. Each galaxy would run its own racing tournament, and the top four of each galaxy after each set of races would race in the final Grand Prix in Polaris. Heroes, villains, and everything in between competed in customized karts for glory, a huge prize in bolts, and the chance to blow each other up repeatedly without consequence. Each race would be on land, underwater, and on tracks across the sky.
In the Polaris initial race, Qwark rode in his custom made kart, colored green as his uniform with his symbol on the front, the design reminiscent of his luxury hover limo in design. Pulling up beside him, Nefarious - once more in his humanoid robotic form - pulled up in a much smaller vehicle that was stripped down for functionality over form, and with a great deal of weapon points and turbo burst valves. Qwark raised his eyebrow at the design of the vehicle. "What? Didn't have time to give it a coat of paint?" he asked teasingly.
Nefarious smirked back. "Nope. Your little sister kept me up all night!" He cackled as Qwark's fists clenched on the wheel. "So why such a large racer? Compensating for something?"
"Don't you think your racer is a little small for this competition?" Qwark snapped back. "In this game, bigger is better."
"That's not what she said!" Nefarious snapped back, cackling as Qwark once more clenched his teeth.
The race itself was no different in form from any other race held in any of the galaxies. Three laps around a diverse course while collecting weapons and other boosters for their vehicles, which is why the engines and weapon systems all had to be standardized to use the pickups. Each race had between eight and twelve racers, depending on how many gathered to that particular planet, and the top half - rounded down if it was an odd number - would move on to the next race on the next planet.
This was the first race in Polaris, with Dalas and Juanita starting their new announcement career as they commented on the carnage here, more civilized than what they'd commented on back in Dreadzone. Of course, in this first race, the big focal point of attention was the rivalry between Qwark and Nefarious, which was why the cameras focused on their racing more than anyone else's.
As they reached the second lap, Qwark slowed down enough to let Nefarious catch up to him, just to taunt him. "Getting a little slow there in your old age, Nefarious?"
Nefarious simply smirked back. "I've got speed when it counts...according to Twilight!" With that, he used a turbo he'd been saving, taking the lead. "You really should have seen that coming by this point!"
Qwark, growling, did his best to keep up, but on the twisting part of the track they were on, Nefarious' smaller vehicle was able to get much too far ahead with its greater drift capability and acceleration.
The races in this first set proceeded in much this way, with Nefarious and Qwark keeping most of the lead on every track, with Nefarious managing to take a lead with maneuverability, smarter use of bonus items along the track, more clever avoidance of hazards, or simply managing to distract Qwark with some quip about what he and Twilight had gotten up to, usually turned in such a way to be insulting to Qwark.
Each time one of these comments made it onto the air, Ratchet and Clank turned from their seats in the stands to glance at Twilight, who would simply giggle and wave it off, apparently finding their interactions quite entertaining. Afterwards, Ratchet would turn his face resolutely back to the race, not certain he wanted to ask the question on his mind.
Finally, the first world's races ended, with Nefarious and Qwark undisputed in first and second place, respectively. "Yes!" Nefarious proclaimed as he drove his kart into the winner's circle for the award ceremony. "The triumph of machine over the squishies is complete!"
"Hey!" Qwark complained angrily. "I'm squishy!"
"That's what she said!" Nefarious shouted back, causing Twilight up in the stands to burst into laughter and making Qwark slam his face against his steering wheel. Nefarious then gingerly climbed out of his kart, walking in an odd bow-legged gait as though he were suffering from some sort of pelvic pain.
"What's wrong?" Qwark asked smugly as he climbed easily out of his kart. "Not enough time to install good suspension?"
"What? My kart's suspension is great!" Nefarious complained. Noticing what Qwark was indicating, Nefarious scratched nervously at his chin. "Oh, my walk? No, that's because of what Twilight did last night."
"...I don't wanna know," Qwark whimpered as he took his spot on second place.
Up in the stands, Ratchet finally turned to Twilight firmly. "Okay, I need to ask now...just what did you two do last night that he keeps referring to? I mean, you didn't come home all night, and he drove you here this morning."
"Yup," Twilight confirmed. "I spent the night with my new boyfriend." She smirked wickedly. "Are you sure you want to know what we did?"
Ratchet swallowed nervously. "Uhh..."
"Only if you can summarize it in five words or less," Clank offered quickly.
"Oh, that's easy," Twilight confirmed, taking a sip from her drink. As Ratchet did likewise, she spoke up, "I gave him a penis."
Ratchet promptly spat his drink all over the three rows in front of him. "W-what?" he gasped out.
"See, the original robotization process the Bio-Bliterator systems were based on was based on a chemical reaction," Twilight elaborated. "While the technological process is a perfect 1 to 1 conversion, the original chemical conversion Nefarious underwent wasn't as thorough, especially when it came to soft tissue construction. All the nerve impulses and software were still there, but the hardware wasn't properly constructed."
"I...see," Clank murmured. "So it was in the nature of a hardware upgrade, then?"
"Yup," Twilight confirmed. "And I figured as long as I was doing that, I could add a few design features not normally found on biological hardware of that nature that were to my interest. While I haven't tested it out yet, I'm really looking forward to the-"
Ratchet promptly clapped his hands over his ears. "Oh god, stop! I can't take any more of this! It's too much!"
"That's what she'll say!" Nefarious shouted up from the first place stand, making Ratchet scream in parental terror.
"Oh...my..." Clank murmured as Twilight burst into giggles.
That last part had me like:
oi66.tinypic.com/11h830p.jpg
Welp. It's a thing now. No going back.
lol
lol awesome chapter and lol at Nefarious teasing Quark and the ending.
oh i wonder if Nefarious gonna go Robo or Pony style later with Twilight
7608813 That's what she said, too.
7608811
Your profile pic is perfect with that comment and this chapter.
Also... I want Bowser to appear along side Mario in one of these races... Along side the plumber...
COME ONE COME ALL TO SEE WHICH PLUMBER IS THE MASTER OF THE TRACKS AND THE PIPES!!!
7608801 then after all these years of doing it she should be pretty fit it makes no sense
Sick burns all round!
It was funny when you wrote it?
Well, it was funny when I read it, considering it's 330am...
Somewhere, Celestia is feeling very proud and doesn't know why.
7608905 - And Twilight Velvet is joining Ratchet's parental screams.
childish humor of raunchy nature....keep it up good sir
Will you be doing Into the Nexus after the Grand Prix?
were you up all night coming up with these jokes? If so keep going its entertaining.
Probably should have read this while I was still drunk. Still funny though.
7608854 Either that or a Mario PWNYverse story so they can have actual Mario Cart.
I laughed
Also, I think of Wily's Wittle Wub and Melody of the Future when Twilight brought up giving Mervin a penis
Apparently Nefarious has gained the perfect tool in defeating both Ratchet AND Qwark
Why can't I give another thumbs up and a favorite? Because this chapter just stole the show!
7608937
While Shining Armor is mimicking Qwark's.
Poor Ratchet and Qwark. Clank seems to just be amused. Just imagine the reactions when she returns to Equestria with her new boyfriend and any kids they have before that. I can just see Twilight Velvet and Cadence cooing over foals while Shining Armor and Nightlight try to intimidate Nefarious.
Also, can't wait to see how Nefarious and Twilight react to Celestia and Luna moving the Sun and Moon when they get to Equestria. I mean, it's one thing to accept Magic, it's another for a scientist to accept moving heavenly bodies. And then there's the walking Logic Bomb Black Hole that is Pinkie Pie.
I would be triggered but Nefarious is supposed to be the bad guy... so this oddly fits... to the point of compatible comedy.
This struggle is hard to handle.
7609152 I'm still wondering if there will be a canon/non-canon "Playstation Heroes" arc. Coco Pommel would be sooo out of place during Twilight and Shining's reunions that might involve challenging each other with their weapons. And Coco might attempt to be noticed but she can't because she doesn't specialize in technology; just fabric and thief stuff.
I was expecting something more along the lines of
Well, still time for that later.
7609270
Sadly for Shining and Nightlight, Nefarious is way above their league.
"If you hurt my sister..."
"What? I value my own existence. I'd be conquering galaxies but I'm afraid how Twilight might react to that."
I find this reaction most doubtful.
Ratchet, as a parent, would be FAR more likely to calmly walk up to Nefarious and give his new 'bolt' an 'adjustment' with the Versa-Wrench.
And that is when I lost my shit. So hilarious! A lot of bed humor sure, but still funny.
7609404 Also of note, Clank is now officially a troll.
7609270
TWO MORE THINGS!!
One, Pinkie is likely something akin to Quark, as in she can do anything so long as she believes it can work...and she works on the law of funny, which makes physics her bitch more easily than Twilight made Physics HER bitch back with the whole Time thing. As for the whole moving the Sun and Moon thing, even odds Celestia's Sun is nowhere near the size of a REAL sun, and is a construct roughtly the size of the moon meant to warm the plannet long after it's real sun went bye-bye. So, moving that and the moon in a stable orbit while a possible artifact or 2 keeps gravity a thing via magic...eh, not as big a deal as some thing's we've already seen.
...now as for possible foals for Twilight...I'll just laugh then AND now for my own amusement!
LOLS. LOLS IN CAPITALS!!!
Eww.
Though I suppose I did read this chapter despite the disclaimer, so I only have myself to blame.
Still, I could have done without the constant TWSS jokes. Nefarious saying that stuff about Twilight on intergalactic TV felt disrespectful, even if she enjoyed them.
It's terrible, but I can't stop laughing!
You and Third Fang should collaborate some day. Something tells me the humor you guys produce together would have fans screaming like... well... fans!
Well, that explains that.
7609270 i have one reponse to your thoughts about their reactions to luna' and celestia' s jobs:
twilight made time her bitch
i think twi should be capable to create a system with a planet that have a sun and a moon orbiting around.
Only because no one else has done it yet.
Well...at least he has a pair no physically and not just emotionally.
I'll go clean my recurve in a corner.
7609324 she could steal all there weapons and yell notice me
I wonder if nanotech can repair ruptured eardrums? Cause I'm pretty sure Ratchet will need it after he stabs himself in the ears to keep from hearing anymore about last night.
7609324
7611103
Now I will admit that my knowledge of Sly Cooper is limited, but my understanding is he's supposed to be one of those 'Impossible Thief' types. All full skill he's able to do things like "steal the entire contents of a room without being noticed, including the stuff nailed down". So it would probably be more like "Twilight and Shining get ready to face off, each pulling out their various superweapons... Only nothing happens when they pull the trigger. Meanwhile Coco walks away whistling a tune, having pocketed their wallets, AND all the ammo."
7610925 You know what, I'm usually NOT fond of puns, but damn that was funny.
Also, Tats, as a parent I can honestly say it would be HORRIFYING hearing my daughter explain to me how she gave her boyfriend a penis. The part where she goes "While I haven't tested it out yet, I'm really looking forward to the-" ? That would be where I would go "And that's when I decided to murder her boyfriend your honor." I'm also fairly sure that no judge would convict me...
7611435
So you think I got Ratchet's reaction accurate, then?
OH GOD!!!
I no longer want to see art for this fic!!!
I may suffer mental scars deeper than FFN.
Hahahahahhahaaa!!!!
You know the day after they Do The Nasty, Nefarious will be blaring this song on his radio just to spite Quarkhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xuoXkMZvD5Q
7611091 On the down side, for him, he can now be kicked in said pair...
*scraches nonexistent beard* No no, your perfectly sane, the jokes are ok, but I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement. And Rachet having that moment at the end was perfect.
7611441 Yes
7611103 I just remembered the bomb hats. Only Twilight can fly over the hat mine-field... or they can casually use their magic to teleport their things back. Coco would then be stuck surrounded by her mines. It must suck being an earth pony in that case.
I had a couple of less than sensible chuckles.
Well this made my night
7611441
Tats, you sir own me a new keyboard... drinking water, and reading your storys.. DON'T mix well!
Oh wait! I have several spairs.. still!
You are both... brilliant and EVIL! Good job, Sir!