Chapter 11: It's time for war!!! (War-Part 1)
I do not own MLP or Vanoss.
“Ah’ve got a question.”
Applejack was left to blink, her answer being the loud composition of hundreds of rounds being loaded into hundreds of guns. Swords, bats, sabers, and fly swatters swung in the air. Grenades were tossed upward. Crates of ammunition were pushed across the carpeted floor. Vehicles here and there drove slowly so as to avoid accidental collision.
She blinked once again, the cold, speech-absent air reaching her brow and causing it to sweat involuntarily. Licking her lips, she spoke, “...what are y’all plannin’ ta do-”
“We’re planning on launching a full-scale war against a braces-wearing squeaker wannabe bitch and his completely fucking stupid army that is backing him up, not to mention said bitch is basically invulnerable and hence impossible to kill, and our army may not be able to kill said bitch since we don’t have as many people as said bitch, and not to also mention that said bitch is hiding inside of a large, impenetrable Vault that would make the Enclave roar with fury over not having raided five years ago, and our battlefield is a bunch of grassy mountains and hills that are about to be as bloody as a fuckin’ God of War game.”
Applejack’s jaw dropped.
Behind her, the rest of her friends, even Fluttershy, mimicked the action.
Delirious cocked his assault shotgun as he finished, the mask frowning at the mares despite the obvious smile under it. Looking to his left, he raised a hand to his mouth and called, “Hey, Vanoss!”
The Canadian called back, his owl mask staring into Oblivion and all the hells within, “What do you want.”
“What’s today?”
Vanoss rolled his eyes and raised his wrist, glaring at his Pimp-Boy 3 Billion, “It’s Tuesday.”
Delirious chuckled, then looked back at the mares and shrugged, “Figures. You guys want a gun too?”
“No.”
“Well…”
“I’d rather not, dear.”
“I’m fine.”
“Ah’ll be okay-”
”YES I DO!”
Delirious raised his arms up to brace himself, only for his attempts to be fruitless as a pink blur knocked him to the ground. Groaning, he felt hundreds of hooves scrambling around his body and shrugged it off as pain-induced. Head rising off the ground, his eyes widened as he realized that this was not so.
Pinkie Pie looked back up at him, her lips pressed outward into open air as she stared. Moving her body slightly, her extra legs shrank back into her body, and she resumed her prior position to observe Delirious’ statue expression. Slowly, her tail rose, and with it was Delirious’ RPG.
A glare drew on his brow.
Pinkie had the opposite, dropping the rocket launcher as she zipped to Delirious’ left, allowing him to get up. As he dusted himself off, his teeth gritting violently, he glanced to where the pink mare had gone and balled his fists, spying her atop a pile of crates with a hoof stuck inside one.
Sticking her tongue out, Delirious could have sworn she was reaching into another universe.
“Hey! Get the fuck off that you fuckin’ bitch!”
Drawing her hoof up, a large Anti-Materiel Rifle suddenly aimed at Delirious’ head with the assistance of the curious Pinkie Pie. Delirious’ Assassin pants gained a new, very brown, very disgusting friend.
Wildcat suddenly strode up, a hand on his chest, “Holy shit Delirious, you should see the look on your fuckin’ face! You look like you just fuckin’ shit yourself-”
POOM
Wildcat flew backward violently, his head connecting with the ground in less than a second.
The room was silent, all eyes fixated on the pink mare currently blinking rapidly.
Wildcat’s blood pool expanded. A certain YouTuber adjusted his pink mustache and stepped away from the staining red trail without a word. Delirious watched as the pig’s body disappeared, then glared back up at Pinkie.
She grinned from ear-to-ear nervously, then dropped the fifty-caliber rifle onto the floor…
...which discharged on impact, exploded, and launched a bullet that bounced off a nearby rock, pinged across a plate of bulletproof shielding, and flew into a recently respawned Wildcat’s skull.
He fell back to the ground, dead yet again in the span of two more seconds of his life.
It was Twilight’s turn to glare. Sighing, she lit her horn, levitating Pinkie Pie off the crate and back onto the ground next to her. The pink mare gave her friends a toothy grin. Applejack flattened her lips. Fluttershy’s lower lip trembled in fright. Rarity straightened herself with a cough.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was in the air, a complete look of awe on her face. She looked as if she had just witness Reptile and was a short, red-haired Canadian who obsessed over invisibility and babies while dropping numerous shields across numerous battlegrounds.
From a little ways away, Nogla was laughing, a finger pointing a Wildcat’s new dead body.
“You got fuckin’ wrecked, Tyler!”
A fist flew into his face and knocked him to the ground. As he writhed in pain, he looked back up and found a black Spartan glaring down at him. He immediately turned back to the ground, covering his head with both hands.
The Spartan turned her head, giving a thumbs up to Wildcat, who silently gave a wave of his hand back. She swiveled, finding six more Spartans looking expectantly at her with guns in their hands. One held a bright blue sword. Another held an assault rifle upside down, his eyes looking elsewhere.
She balled both her fists, then tensed her body toward the group.
They instantly reacted, turning tail and sprinting the other way. One blue one looked around, confused, before nodding and joining the others at a call of, “Caboose, let’s fuckin’ go!”
“Oh! Okay!” He looked back and waved. “Bye Tex!”
The black Spartan waved back, then gave one final kick into Nogla’s stomach. He choked on something in his throat and held his gut, sputtering out a failed curse. As Tex stepped over his body, she spoke simply, “You should consider plastic surgery.”
“Oh fock you! I don’t even look ugly anymore!”
Tex strode off to other sections of the room.
Nogla continued to groan in pain as Wildcat walked up to him. The pig chuckled lightly, then looked back up at Delirious and waved, “So, you ready to kick some ass Delirious?”
Delirious adjusted his hood, making sure it was ready in case he had to put it up quickly. Its blue color matched his sweater from GTA, and he swore he would try to find a way to bring them into the game if the option was there. Bending over, he picked up his previously stolen RPG and stuffed it back into his dick. Throwing his hands out, he unleashed his hidden blades and smirked under his mask.
“Fuck yeah. Can’t believe y’all got a fuckin’ flyin’ tank though.”
Wildcat scratched the back of his neck, the hand avoiding the pair of goggles sitting atop the white helmet. “Yeah, she’s quite a badass ain’t she?” He looked at the tank in question. Its yellow exterior would blind any mere mortal, but Wildcat’s pig mask had certain powers that only he knew of.
That is to say, Wildcat was a mere mortal.
Like, the merest fucking mortal you could ever witness in your life. It’s kind of embarrassing.
“Think I’m gonna call her the Flying Banana-”
“That’s fuckin’ gaaaay-”
A bullet flew into Nogla’s skull.
Wildcat lowered his heavy pistol, then placed it back into his inventory. Blowing air out, his eyes landed on Delirious.
They continued their conversation casually.
“You know how ta work that fuckin’ thing, Wildcat?”
The pig blew a raspberry, “‘course I fuckin’ know how ta use it. Please, when it comes to flying banana tanks fitted with nuke launchers and miniguns, I wrote the fuckin’ book.” He raised said book, pointing to its cover image, “See?” Said image featured a majestic, flying pig sitting atop the Flying Banana, piles of dead bodies sitting around it and coating its armor plates in blood as it assumingly strode across a battlefield to fuck shit up.
Delirious blinked.
“Huh.”
“Hey guys.”
The two turned toward the voice’s source, watching as Mini Laddd strode up to them, his hands full of his god-gifted molotovs. Sucking in air as if it were his last puffs, he sputtered, “Do you- do you guys know how to keep bottles from exploding in your face?”
“No you stupid ass. What do I look like, the bottle-not-exploding guy?” Wildcat asked, hands at his hips and a glare on his brow.
Mini blinked at the pig, a blank expression plastered on his face. “Seriously? It’s, like, it’s not even that hard-”
“Then do it yourself Mini. I don’t have time to deal with this, I gotta suit up and shit.”
“That was the gayest shit I’ve ever-”
“No, I need ta take a fuckin’ shit.” Delirious turned his head to look back at the mares still watching him in silence. Waving his hands, he asked, “Hey, purple, where’s the bathroom?”
“Purple? Excuse me?” Twilight asked, eyebrows raised.
“Your name sucks.”
“My name is Twilight-”
“Exactly.”
…
…
Twilight sighed, then threw a hoof to her right. “Down the hall, second door on the right. There might be some guards, the password is Swordfish.” She frowned as Delirious practically flew past her. As she shook her head, she lit her horn and magicked the remains of the Anti-Materiel Rifle into a nearby trash bin.
Clearing her throat, she found conflict as the pieces fought desperately from fitting inside. Feeling her heart beat slightly faster, she screwed up her face and shoved it harder with her magic. The pieces didn’t give.
Twilight growled, then let the bin be and flung it across the room, where it landed on Nogla, who shouted in anguish as the burnt remnants spilled out and met his body. As he writhed in absolute agony, the mare stepped back and grimaced. Wildcat laughed at his friend’s expense, then flinched as a hand grasped his shoulder. Turning to the new visitor, he was met with a menacing owl mask.
“What’s goin’ on over here, then?”
“Oh, Nogla’s just bein’ a dick again.”
“Fuck... you, Tyler! God, I can’t feel my focking legs! Someone help me up!”
“Hey,” Mini Laddd suddenly said, “you guys wanna talk about how shitty we all think Nogla is?”
Nogla let out a bloodcurdling roar into the air. The rest of the armory-goers went about their business normally, completely uncaring for the Irish sack of shit super-cool guy. Nogla sighed, then tried to scratch his eyes out with his fingers. “Oh my Gooooood....”
At that mention, a lone figure stepped toward Nogla, his huge lava beard practically touching the floor. He looked down at Nogla with a straight face.
The Irishman looked up at God.
God looked down at the Irishman.
“You suck.”
And God disappeared with a poof.
Nogla whimpered, “Oh…”
“Whoa, hey guys!”
“Oh, hey Lui-”
“So, I’ve been going over the battlefield plan and I have a few questions, if you don’t mind…?”
Vanoss nodded curtly, “Yeah, sure. Dick. What do you want to change in my really good plan, Lui.”
“Well, for starters, this plan,” he raised it up, “is just a poorly drawn blueprint with a really bad pun.” The words Hoo Dares Wins! were stenciled across the top of the sheet of paper. Vanoss crossed his arms.
“I don’t see what the problem is-”
“Look. I wanna kill this squeaker as much as.. like all of you. Like, seriously, this is like a mission of mine? You know? I have to do this.” At that exact moment, the low sound of something rolling met the monkey-masked man’s ears, and he and the others turned their heads to look at the source.
A baseball had found its way over to Nogla, the small object sitting next to his head.
Lui gulped.
He looked to the right and across the room, watching as a white and black figure stood silently, a baseball cap atop his head and a likewise colored bat propped atop his shoulder. He stared at Lui coldly, his hat hiding any facial features he could have otherwise presented.
Also at that exact moment, Delirious ran back into the room, his hands adjusting his Assassin crested belt as he fumbled toward his friends and brushed past the mares. Clearing his throat, he looked toward Nogla and asked with a laugh, “Hey Lui, is that your baseball-”
“No.”
Delirious flinched, then stepped toward Nogla and delivered a swift kick into his head. The potato fucker farmer held his head in response. Delirious walked back to his friends and simply spoke, “Couldn’t help myself.”
“Don’t blame ya,” Wildcat said, smacking his lips. Rubbing his stomach, he groaned, “Oh man, I’m fuckin’ hungry. You guys know if there’s any food in this fuckin’ place?”
“You fatass, no wonder you’re a fuckin’ pig Tyler-”
“Don’t make me shoot you in your ugly face, Nogla.”
“They literally gave me my old face back from last gen you focking asshole!”
Wildcat responded silently, pulling out a bullpup shotgun and cocking it with ease. Nogla was left to groan once more on the floor, his hands trying to shove the garbage bin off his body. Succeeding, he rolled over and got off the floor to dust himself off, the sounds of the trash can bouncing off the ground finding their way into his ears.
As his mind thought back to that dickhead black Spartan, he frowned, crossed his arms, and rolled his eyes as he opened up his Interaction Menu. Sifting through what he currently had, he finally found what he wanted and felt the paper bag suddenly appear over his head. Fixing its position to better comfort him, he heard a sound to his left and looked toward it.
Lui cocked his assault shotgun.
Wildcat reloaded his heavy pistol.
Vanoss aimed his carbine rifle.
Delirious pulled his baseball bat out of his dickhole.
Mini tossed a few molotovs to himself.
The black Spartan, Tex, from earlier had apparently come back, and was now patting a bright orange traffic cone against an open palm.
Nogla opened his Interaction Menu once more, figuring out the name of his paper bag.
It was at that moment that he realized he was wearing the mask that explicitly, simply, very boldly said, PLEASE KILL ME, across it.
And it was at that moment that he realized he had fucked up.
Nogla’s paper bag gained many an extra hole that day.
And the unfortunate carpet in the Canterlot Castle’s Armory would not be fully cleaned of blood until the holiday of the next year.
They were ready, and it was time for war.
In under five minutes, thanks to the help of the internet factions, they managed to completely fortify all of Canterlot. Dillon must've had one hell of an army.
Besides the city being covered in thick armor plates meant to defend against a war (a war that will come very, very soon). Three towers stood above rest: the first was Vanoss', which had similarities involving his friends. A giant billboard stood above the tower saying one annoying word that could topple any other word.
Hoodini!!!
"Goddammit Evan!" Tyler said to Vanoss.
On the right stood the tower of Papa Franku, or as we informally called him: Filthy Frank. Inside was a giant mess (also known as the Cornucopia of Filth). Various screams from Pink guy and Chin Chin were heard from the tower. The place was so chaotic, it could turn Discord into Austin Powers.
In the center of the three was the last: Pewdiepie's. A completely random yet orderly place filled with ducks, obscenities and video game stuff.
Vanoss peered from the window to see a vast army, which even from his view, he could tell which part belonged to which part of the internet.
Some people wore cartoonish robotic helmets along with their armor: Reddit; other people used guns shaped like bananas while wearing black shirts with a 9 on it: 9gag. The last was made up of a clusterfuck of different people wearing extremely obscene articles of clothing. Even Vanoss gave a shudder in their presence: 4chan.
He looked down to see famous youtubers and others: Markiplier, who was in the guise of Wilfred Warfstache. The Fine Bros were going to film this so they could add this to their channel. The guy from Honest Trailers was there to witness it so he could make a brutally honest opinion on these events.
Suddenly, rumbling could be heard from afar. Vanoss picked up a sniper rifle and peered through the scope.
"General Frank and Pewds, our first wave of baddies are the Weaboos," he said into a walkie-talkie.
"Why the fuck am I not surprised!!!!" the man yelled, causing Evan to pull away from it, staring at the machine for a few seconds.
"It seems they're being led by... who's Weaboo Jones?"
There was silence for the first few seconds.
"Ey b0s, can u gibe da p0sy pls?" Pink guy said through Frank's radio.
"Vanoss?" Franku said.
"Wut?"
"I'll lead this attack first," he whispered in anger.
Suddenly RB appeared next to Vanoss, along with someone completely covered in a black robe, his face concealed as well.
"It seems that a certain someone wants to call you," he said to Evan, handing him his phone.
"Thanks, who's this guy?" he motioned to the one dressed in black.
"Oh him? This is my successor, Yamsmos. I trust that in the event of my destruction, he would take my place."
"Sup," he said.
"You too," Vanoss said, turning on the phone.
"YOU IMBECILES!!! YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE FULL MIGHT OF ME? DILLON THE HACKER? I TAKE YOU FOR IDIOTS IF YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
"Hold on, I got something that could do the trick," RB said, a ball of energy formed in his hands and he tossed it at Vanoss, who was enveloped in the energy.
Vanoss gave him a confused look, "Go ahead, punch him through the screen," RB said.
"-AHAHAHAHAHA- OW!!!!" Dillon screamed as Vanoss sucker punched him in the eye.
"YOU WILL PAY FOR THA-"
"Thank you off button," Vanoss said as he handed it back to RB.
"I need to get back to working on another project. Also pay attention, Frank's finally given the first command," he said as he disappeared.
A shot rang out, which was then followed with two words: Reality check!!!
His radio sparked to life, "Weaboo Jones has been killed."
"Alright, let's get some air support," Vanoss told him.
"ON IT!!" Wildcat yelled as he rode on his Flying Banana Tank-Chopper, leading a group of VTOL choppers.
"Wildcat has decided to get some help from the NCR, the Brotherhood of Steel, and the Enclave remnants," he heard a voice.
"Alright assholes, let's go!" Vanoss told the crew, not wanting to spend the rest of the fight in a tower like a goddamn Disney princess.
RB popped back into existence, "Where are you going?! Your supposed to lead your army."
"What does it look like, bitch? I'm leading on the front lines," he said as he jumped off the tower, which resulted in a splat, causing him to respawn on top of the tower again.
"Fine, I'll take the goddamn stairs," Vanoss mumbled as he walked down the spiral stairs.
RB watched as the fight finally started. Discord finally popped out of nowhere, along with Chin Chin.
"So how do you think this fight'll end?" Discord asked, laying down on a garden chair, wearing sunglasses, and munching on a box of popcorn, eating both the box and the popcorn.
"Ore Wa!" Chin Chin screamed.
"I know, I know. They may not be the best fighters, the smartest, or strongest. But they certainly are the luckiest, which will be enough to contain and remove Dillon. Still got that cell Chin-Chin? "
"Ore wa ochinchin ga daisuki nandayo," he nodded.
"Good. Hey Discord, do you have an extra box of popcorn," RB asked.
"Of course," he said, snapping his fingers.
RB grabbed the popcorn in midair and watched the ensuing battle on a folding chair while Chin-Chin crouched on the ground.
This is gonna be fun.
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Shit, you might want to fix those italics. Think I fucked something up when I was writing.
6180748 Which ones?
6180751 Like, the entire rest of it is in italics.
Yeah, you wrote '[/ s] instead of [/ i]
6180770
Yeah, that fucker is supposed to be striked out, not italicized. Not sure what I did to fuck up the whole chapter though.
Nah, it's fine now. Thanks for the help.
Beautiful chapter. Who's Tex anyway?
6180977 stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/1482790/red-vs-blue-tex-2-o.gif
She's a bit of a badass.
6181043 Thx for the info
I thought I'd see Jack, or Toby, or Smosh. Where are they?
Soon, soon.
6193499 There's a video link in the comment section. There's a reason he's the bad guy.
Hey, you think you could put in the Battlefield Friends?
6194298 ???
6194300 It's a comedy on YouTube based on the video game series Battlefield.
Also, DAYUM DAT WAS QUIK.
Favorite RvB episode :the one where church dies the first time. Not just that part the whole episodes hilarious.
6243259 Calm down man.
PS: When and which video? *trollface*
6243266
6243266
6248258
Just incase you both wanted to know (if you didn't know this already), Dillon is now making rage videos at Vanoss as well.
...Jesus Christ *facepalm*,
6250604
DILLION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This story is too beautiful for me to keep reading it.
6284603 Well... that was an interesting experience.
6305527 I wasn't aware of Hoodini at the time.
6312590 No, unless they made it funny like the Black Ops 2 videos.
6313354 Made by EA, currently having doubts.
6320088 DICE is EA DICE. While Battlefront is also being published by EA.
Lol laughed all the way though this chapter
6691724 thats...a fair point actually
Before I read anything, why not CaRtOoNz
6320146 plz tell me you will continue plz FUCKING CONTINUE!!!!! I'm addicted to this story
Why the
lines8414566
Because the author royally fucked up the lines that I wrote and didn't bother fixing the mistake. The catalyst was supposed to read,
but the author didn't give a shit about it. Looking back, I genuinely don't know why I agreed to helping out. It's so so so obvious where I finish and he ends. Sorry your reading experience was flushed.
Not my fault.
Dillon the Hacker has recently passed away. His parents recently announced it.
I know it's been 4 years, but I first found out about Dillon here. Rip
Who rah we fight for epuss
Oh well that sad to hear