• Member Since 20th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 minutes ago

Metal-Max1991


A man who seeks to conquor his writing demons while also enjoying a show about neon colored ponies.

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Twilight Sparkle has just been crowned as Equestria's newest princess. While the masses rejoiced, the Princess of the Sun must prepare her pupil for an ancient rite that all members of Equestria's elite royalty must face. Many have failed in this trial while few have succeeded. Will Twilight be one who succeeds? Or will she fail as have countless others before her?

Cover art belongs to kevcrossley

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 25 )

Possible alternative answer to the final riddle: since it was never clearly stated that the Princess and the Queen were mother and daughter, it could easily be an uncle/nephew relationship. The father's colt would be the son's half brother, while the son's colt would be the father's grandson, making the son's colt the nephew of the father's one.

Bravo. While editing it I could already see it held a certain… quality to it, that I have yet to come across on this website. Combine a myriad of deep dialogue with excellent writing you have a true gold piece of fiction.

Good Day.

“I’m ready.” Twilight felt confident in her response, even though behind her shield of confidence, there lay a fog of fear.

And then her head exploded, because that was a really boneheaded stupid thing to do. :trollestia:

1. I would have thought the book was important.
2. Got it right, you don't bring something back that can maul you.
3. Was unsure but I thought the emperor was decent enough.
4. This one reminded me of a certain bible tale.
5. Didn't know how to answer.

Forgive the formalness of this, it will be my first review. :twilightsmile:

Here we go... :applejackunsure:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: The Princess and the Demon's Corpse, by Metal-Quill

Grammar score 8 of 10

Pros:
The riddles were thought provoking
Twilight was very IC
You did an excellent job of setting the atmosphere for the story.

Cons:
Celesita seemed a bit OOC (will explain in comments)
The demon tree, while scary, could have been scarier.
Not lower casing "he/she/it" after dialogue tags, and using periods and not commas before dialogue tags. EX: "A father will always know his son.” She replied." Should have been "A father will always know his son," she replied.

Notes: This story was nicely written, just with the punctuation issues. No offense to your editor of course. For some reason the riddles reminded me of the Spirit Doors of the Fable series, albeit with far lesser consequences. I did enjoy the read and felt that the dark theme was carried rather well. Twilight's character was followed closely, though a bit of tension building could have aided, but was not truly necessary.

As for Celestia, being a benevolent ruler and a kind compassionate spirit that she is portrayed as, would have tested Twilight yes, but in a way that would have destroyed her very soul? Seems a bit much to me, but that is my opinion. The dangers that Twilight has faced on the show has, at most, been a life threatening issue. Though upping the danger level does make it a more interesting read, it just does not seem something Celestia would have done.

As for the tree itself, it was creepy, but not truly scary. It seemed that is was more blunt and honest in its dealings with the ponies that have approached it. I was expecting a bit more of a devious evil presence that attempted to confuse and make the guesser get it wrong for its own demented amusement. That is not to say that it was not done well, just could have been scarier. :twilightsmile:

As far as your tags, the dark is correct, but I think a random or slice of life tag would have been more appropriate than an adventure tag. This is merely a suggestion.

And that is my first review ever. :yay: I hope it was perceived as constructive rather than demeaning. I will keep a watch for more work from you. If you wish to review a story of mine, I would like to see "Those Who Hunt." reviewed. I would not have you review the other fiction due to length comparisons between our stories. :pinkiehappy:

4118496 very constructive. Except for what you listed as the story title and author's name. Though that's probably my doing.

Whoops... :derpytongue2:

Will get that corrected. :twilightsheepish:

4118496 by the by, I've taken care of the capitalization problem you pointed out

4186002

Ah good, it looks much better now. When I first starting writing, I did the same thing until I had an editor look through my story. When he pointed that out to me, I had a lot to go back and change. :pinkiecrazy: Glad I could help out. :pinkiehappy:

Interesting. Very interesting indeed. What is your inspiration for the riddles? I don't want to say that there is no way you could come up with them, but they sound very much religiously based. Either way, this was a great story. The only qualm I have is that you pushed us straight into the plot with little build up. I loved it as I got into it, but I was rather deterred at the start.

4411301 I got the inspiration for the riddles from a documentary called Mythic Journeys.

Interestingly enough there were no really wrong answers until the last question. Heck you could justify the hunter being the biggest fool for his actions resulting in the death of two buffalo and going out to hunt a freakin' bear and he wasn't even an option!

Well there are always many sides to an answer that is based on perceptions alone. I like that Twilight was told to defend her answers from her perspective, this reveals far more than a simple Right or Wrong answer set could ever hope to. Well done. :twilightsmile:

Riddles! Love 'em. WIll have to toss a few at you to test your knowlage.

Interesting story. Can't say I agree the outcome of the 'Ezekiel and Joshua' riddle though.

"Whoops, sorry, the national hero and Princess I just crowned in front of the whole of the capital just got her head exploded and her soul eaten because I sent her off to play riddles with a demon without warning her. My bad. Hope we don't need those Elements anytime soon."

I had a different answer for all of these, but I've really got to disagree with riddles 3 and 4.

What did the emperor sacrifice by giving up the mare? He had no emotional connection with since she had just declared her affection out of the blue (and outright admitted that she only wanted him because of the cushy life he'd give her; otherwise she'd chose Jorum in a second). Providing the wealth to keep her happy would be of little consequence--he has all the wealth of an empire to spend, so sparing some for his friend's wife would be pretty easy.

Jorum, on the other hand, had a big case of Love At First Sight (which in a fantasy environment could actually happen) and genuinely desired her; and until she said why she wanted the emperor, Jorum couldn't have known she was just going for the emperor because she valued the emperor's bling over Jorum's love. But he still stood aside because that was her desire. Honestly, she sounds like a skank and neither of them should have wed her, but the bigger sacrifice would have been on Jorum's part.

As for the fourth story, Josiah couldn't have known that Joshua was Joshua, because the story outright stated that Josiah did not.

“I am.” Joshua replied. Convinced that this was indeed his first born, Josiah blessed him.

That aside, how could Twilight call this "noble"? It was a message and request given solely to Ezekiel, but Joshua lied and stole his brother's task to take power for himself. Considering that the demon just earlier ranted over the petty habits of "power, greed, and vanity", and that Twilight is a humble mare, it is hard to see her approving this at all.

However, I love the twist to the riddles at the end. Anything except a flagrantly stupid answer on Twilight's part would have been "correct"--the real point was to acknowledge that there are multiple sides to every story and that nothing can be understood if you look at it from only one perspective. That was well done.

7572960 quite a critique. I thank you for it

Tolerating a soul eating demon the elements would of striped Celestia of her crown.

8721108
Presuming she didn't have to undergo the trial herself at some point in the past. If she did, however, there's an underlying possibility for a traditional rite of passage; a trial which may in and of itself be what magical grants one princess-hood.
Additionally, I agree with a past comment with regards to the riddle of Jorum; One can't purchase love, but can give wealth.

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