RarestRarity1779
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Better be good...
At first I thought the "black and white noire thriller" was Public Enemy. But a kissing scene? More like Casablanca.
Just random musings. I'll give my real comment at the end.
Good story, you improve with each successive fic. I found myself reading this slower than I usually do, taking in all the details, and I'm glad I did.
My criticism, however: your sex scenes, while good in structure and general detail, always feel so...clinical. The use of more scientific terms rather than phrases like folds or marehood. This didn't detract from the whole story, just that scene. Nothing that can't be improved on over time.
I patiently await the sequel.
I have only one critique to this otherwise very good story. The text. Split your text a little more since this avalanche could be a bit much and it hurts the eyes somewhat. So little breaks between text blocks would make reading a lot easier.
twi-dash has always been my fav combo. started a little slow. could have used more subtle twi hints but i can see how that can be difficult from just dashs' prospective. all in all i liked it. also agree it could use more spacing within the paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes reading from a computer screen. i give it a thumbs up, well done
3789045 3788345
OK, thank you for the input. Either way, I'm glad that you all liked it. In honesty, I didn't expect the single spacing (I usually do standard paragraph style with double spacing) to take off but I just wanted to see what kind of feedback it got. If it continues to receive negative feedback then I will fix it here :)
Interesting letter indeed.
She obviously hasn't realised she might be gay yet and that's why she's so shy towards males.... She has no interest xD
There has to be a better way to word this. Unless it was supposed to be an innuendo...
The story is pretty good so far, though! Keep up the good work.
When ya gunna do moar?
I NEED MOAR
While I am rather fond of TwiDash, I found this story to be somewhat lacking overall.
A lot of the individual scenes were rather interesting. The practice session where Dash is running was rather immersive and enjoyable. It set me up to enjoy the rest of the story, and I was really curious how things would go from there.
Fast forward to the scene of Ponyville's marketplace, and I got another interesting and immersive look at how you're portraying Dash.
Taken by themselves, most of the scenes in your story have a great level of detail. They're easy to read, and get into. Better than average.
Which makes some of the flaws all the more jarring and stand out more.
The overarching flow of the story takes a sort of weird dive. Perhaps what was intended is simply that Rainbow Dash doesn't know she's lesbian/bi at the start of the story. I can accept a progression through ignorance to dawning realization to acceptance/romance. That isn't what happened though. Instead we have Dash going from musing about starting a family and being a mother, to being understandably unsure of how male onlookers think about her, to checking out her best friend, to sleeping with her.
I get that Dash is rather brash and impulsive, but wait, what?
The Rainbow Dash at the start of the story doesn't really grow into the one at the end. We spend a fair amount of time in her head with her thoughts, and she seems to be missing quite a few that would make the transition believable.
Another other disconnect between scenes for me was the bath/masturbation scene to the scenes before it and to the sleepover scene after. We've been sort of establishing that she is inexperienced with these sorts of thoughts, has vague but growing in clarity ideas about family/motherhood, and so on. Then we're told that she's been fantasizing about her friends semi-regularly. In fact, we recently were privileged to Dash's confusion as to why she was looking at Twilight and finding her attractive, only for it to apparently be a regular thing.
Yet she's guilty about doing so. Feels ashamed about it. Yet in the very next scene, she practically can't keep her hooves off herself while in the same room as Twi. So much for guilt and shame I guess.
The mention of Twilight apparently being in heat seems to be just arbitrarily thrown in. It's a single line that isn't really used for anything. It isn't built up to, it isn't dealt with later on. It's just sort of there. While I've seen this feature of biology abused in clopfics and am glad to not see this happen in this story, it should at least be a source of Twilight perhaps being shy or nervous around Rainbow, especially if she's attracted to her. Perhaps chalk it up to the fact that we aren't given her perspective and Dash being oblivious, but the story seems lacking for it.
Probably one of the biggest jolts is one of setting. Apparently in this story, homosexuality is a taboo. It is pointed out at the end that while not illegal, it is a big concern for the new couple. OK, this is fine and all... but why are we only learning about this at the end? If it's so much of a problem, why was there so little hesitation for the two to get frisky? Where was all the worry from Dash about how she'd be seen by others if they found out she was attracted to mares? Sure we had some mysterious guilt in the bath scene, but that wasn't made clear.
There are a lot of things that don't make a whole lot of sense when trying to fit them into the larger picture. Some of them could be simply tweaked to fit better, but others make a whole lot less sense. I think backtracking through all the scenes and making yourself a flowchart of information or something might help out a lot.
If the main conflict of the story is supposed to be social acceptance concerns, work it in more strongly from the beginning. Foreshadow it. Don't just dump it in at the end and expect the reader to accept it. Tie it in with various other major points, such as using it to explain why dash feels guilty in her bathroom. Use it to explain why she fantasizes about becoming a mother. Not so much because she especially wants kids, but because that's what she thinks is supposed to be right.
Decide if you want the realization that she's attracted to mares as a thing she stumbles upon during your story or if instead it is something she's been struggling with for awhile.
While it is perfectly fine to keep the story strictly in Rainbow Dash's perspective, try to bring Twilight a little more to life through her observations. Take some time to think your scenes through from her perspective, how she's thinking and acting in them, and use that to better produce what it is RD see's and observes.
I'd love to read this again if it gets worked over substantially.
Hey, Twilight. What are the odds that people would give Rainbow similar traits to me in their fanfics?
It depends. Do they know you, or is it just coincidence?
As far as I know, they don't know me.
Then I'd say about-
BOOORING!
Don't judge me. Have a like.
Bingo! Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
This has been one of the best Twidash stories I've read in a long time. You've done a damn good job on it. I really hope you come out with a squeal to this story. I like to know what happens to them after this night and how there friends find out and take it that they are a couple now.
I like this.