- Member Since 20th May, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 29th, 2018
Chelis
Writer/Admin/Title VII requirement for Horse News; humanized/equestria girls fanfic writer. Pardon my grit
Chelis
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
Offline
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Me like.
¡Me gusta mucho! I think that it's a bit rushed. (It's too early to get into the clop-heavy scenes in my opinion.) I like a well-rounded story with clop and story; moreover, there should be more story than clop. I also think that the clop should be better paced and more sensual; I can't clop if I can't get a feel for it or if it's too short.
Otherwise, a very good start indeed! 8.9/10 P.S. I see a Shining Armor tag. Will we see the girls seduce him and fuck his brains out? I'd love to see that.
>no hooves
Chelis, what are you doing, my negroid?
You clearly are not in prime form tonight.
My bed is warm and inviting though, come along...
4166121 My body is warmer than yours, reptile.
4166127 fuck of you cockjockey, he's mine
4166168 Wow such English so sense
4166176
4166168
Why not share? ;)
4166181 Because of my Hebrew roots.
4166183
oy vey
4166181 sharing is for jews
GLORIOUS!
I love the story but Jesus Christ that was probably the quickest clop I've ever read. I didn't even have the time to get hard by the time it was over. Please work on making the clop more realistic and drawn out. Also, my inner grammar nazi is screaming to me at the lay/lie issue; when there is no direct object, use lie. The past form of lie depends on it's meaning; if it means to lie down (as it does in this case), then it is lay. If it means to tell something untruthful, then it is lied. Other than that, good job; I can't wait for more!
4166185 i always ask this when i see sex tag with a story "Will one of them get knocked up?
I find myself agreeing with Tony on this. Your clop scenes seem very rushed. I feel like you could either drop the clop and focus on the crime thriller story, or put some more time into the clop parts, give them some care, make them juicy.
That's not to say you have to make the story okay for everypony, or whatever the lowest rating is, if you drop the clop, but if you're going to be so rushed about it, you may as well leave it suggested, and let the reader take it there in their own minds.
I mean, I'd probably be really into this story, if it didn't feel so "on-the-fence" about whether to be a clopfic or not.
also nice request ms trixie
Lol
I am starting to lose interest in this story, I came for the comedy and art theft, not the overly used clop I keep having to skip over because it takes away from the story, and personally clop just isnt my thing
FINALLY a chapter with NO sex in it.
Uh the image is broken bro.
Damn it he's married.
This is really good
... oops, should have said this on the first chapter.
Is the sex graphic or offscreen?
7295878
You mean between sunset and the theif? non whatsoever... unless non sexual bathing of another person is your thing
So if Sunset was homeless, why didn't she just go back home?
She kinda has a hotline with Twilight.
7355292
Because you touch yourself at night
That was a comfy ending. Flash fucked his way into saving his boss, advancing his career, and rekindling an old flame.
Can't get much happier than that. Lucky bastard.