New Pains and Old Regrets

by Pump It Up

Chapter 3

“Well, Twilight, turns out you’re well enough to leave!” Dr. Apple Aday said cheerfully.

It had been a couple of days since her talk with Cadence. She had decided, similar to Cadence, to leave a scar on her neck; however, it wasn’t noticeable if you just glanced at it. Twilight would rather not wear any more jewelry than necessary.

“Now I can get back to work.” She glanced up at Spike, who was standing beside her. “And spend time with those I care about.”

When the two got home, Twilight went straight to her room, and Spike went to his house. Twilight pulled out a traveling chest and started filling it.

It didn’t take long for her to fill it up and go over to Spike’s house. She found him in his greeting area.

“Spike, I’m going to Canterlot for a few weeks.”

He frowned. “So soon?”

“Yes. I need to talk to Tia and Luna about… You know.”

“I understand.” Spike gave the alicorn a hug. “Be careful.”

Twilight broke away. “I will.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight had decided to take the train instead of a chariot or flying; Dr. Apple Aday had recommended no high-altitude activities for a month or two. It took some convincing for the ticket pony to let her pay for the train ticket and be in coach. As it was, ponies would constantly come up and talk to her.

You will never truly get used to it, Celestia had once said.

It was just after Twilight’s coronation and coronation party; all her friends had gone to bed, and Luna was attending to her duties. Celestia and Twilight had stayed up talking.

Celestia had looked relieved, and Twilight attributed that to the fact that she didn’t have to put on a façade for anypony. Twilight was assured of this because of what Celestia said—

“You never truly get used to it,” Twilight said, echoing her memory.

◊◊◊◊◊

When Twilight arrived at Canterlot, she went straight to the castle—at least, as straight as one can when one is royalty. All in all, it made what should have been a forty-five minute journey into a one-and-a-half hour ordeal.

She trotted up the steps to the entrance. The guards posted at the door saluted, and nodded up to the ones above to open the gate, revealing Celestia, whose mane seemed a little more limp and whose eyes seemed baggy.

“Tia!” Twilight cried, racing towards the white alicorn and giving her a hug. Celestia gave her a short hug back.

“I heard about what you did,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never, ever do that again!”

“Do you know how much I— everypony would have missed you?”

“Yes. Tia, could I talk to you?” asked Twilight.

“About what?”

“About… how you’ve coped.”

Celestia’s muscles tightened slightly. “I have much work to do right now,” she said quickly. “Maybe later.”

“O-okay,” Twilight said.

“How long will you be staying?” Celestia asked cordially.

“Maybe a week?”

“Why don’t you sleep in Luna’s wing?” The way she said it was more like a command than a question. “I must be going.” Celestia turned sharply and walked away.

Now Twilight was even more confused. Why in Luna’s wing of the castle? I’m always in Celestia’s. The lavender mare turned and looked at the sky, the warm colors percolating into the earth.

Luna is probably up!

Twilight walked to where Luna held the night court and peeked into the large room. No pony was there except for the princess of the night, sitting on her ebony throne. Twilight tentatively walked in.

“You may enter,” Luna said authoritatively. She looked up from the floor. “Twilight!” she said, her tone more friendly. “Come come. What would you like to talk about?”

Twilight came up to the throne. “Well, I wanted to talk about how you’ve coped with… the passing of friends. I mean,” Twilight said quickly, “You and Tia have gone through so many, so you’re used to it by now. Right?”

There was a lengthy pause as Twilight grinned awkwardly.

“We have not.”

Twilight’s grin slipped off her face, and she hung her head. “I’m sorry I assumed.”

“It is alright. I know not what Celestia has told you, but part of the reason that I became Nightmare Moon was because of my friends.

“Along with eternal night, the monster offered me the chance to bring my friends back, knowing that it would help with my lack of attention and appreciation. I know now that it probably would have killed me eventually or brought back only a semblance of my friends, but back then I was foolish and accepted.” She gave a sharp laugh. “Look how well that turned out.

“And Tia… She hurts, more than you know. She never told anypony, but she had a foal. That foal became a parent of the Blueblood lineage. Yes, they were also descendants of Princess Platinum, but it was never said that they were also of Tia. She denied it even to herself, because if she accepted the foals and grandfoals and great-grandfoals as her own, she would never be able to live; she could never become emotionally invested in running the whole of the family and running the country. She could never deal with the loss. She never has.”

“I-I never knew…”

“Of course not. Tia is very selective in what she tells others. You saw how she was, I assume?”

“Yes. She was sad. Her mane didn’t seem like itself, and her eyes held that tone. But of course she would be, after what I did.”

Luna nodded. “Everypony was worried, but Celestia most of all. She did not want to lose another friend, especially one she had gone great lengths to save from time.”

“Huh? I don’t understand.”

“Patience, Twilight. I will explain.

“When Tia accepted you, she knew you would be a wonderful student, and she knew she would enjoy being your teacher. However, it wasn’t until after Cadence’s wedding that she fully realized that you would perish like all living things. You see, Twilight, one of the two main reasons for you becoming an alicorn is a selfish one: Tia wanted you to stay with her. Of all her students, you were the one she bonded with the most; she didn’t want a pony she considered her daughter to die while she continued to live.”

Twilight simply sat there, taking it all in, her thoughts a whirlwind.

Celestia had a child?

Blueblood really was royalty?

I wasn’t made into an alicorn just because of my magical abilities?

Celestia thinks of me as a daughter?

“Twilight, are you alright?” Luna asked.

Twilight shook her head around to derail her thoughts. “Y-yeah.”

“Auntie Luna?”

Turning, Twilight saw a white colt standing at the entrance to the room. The colt rubbed his eye. “I can’t sleep.”

“Come here, child.” The moon alicorn beckoned with a hoof. The colt slowly walked to her. To Twilight, she said, “You should probably be off to bed, Twilight. You need to sleep.”

“Okay. Good night, Luna.”

“Good night.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Twilight’s eyes flew open. She looked to the open door and saw the silhouette of a tall pony.

“Twilight?” it whispered. “Are you awake?”

“Yes, Tia,” she replied.

The sun princess sat beside Twilight’s bed. “I take it Lulu explained to you about…?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know why this must be kept secret.”

“Of course! Are you that worried about me spreading this?”

Celestia sighed. “I’m sorry, Twilight. I just wanted to make sure; I don’t want to nearly lose you and have you tell my secrets.”

“Celestia!”

“I’m sorry I ever had any doubt. But you know how hard it is for me, now.” With that, the burdened pony left the room.

Twilight didn’t sleep after that. As much as she tried, she could not let the Sandpony make her sleep. Instead she tossed and turned, thinking. And when the sun rose in the sky, Twilight finally understood Celestia’s statement, said so many years ago.

You never truly get used to it.

You never truly get used to the loss.

Comments

[Basic Information]

Ooh, I never get tired of these stories. But then I got to reading it...
charlesfloate.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/right-in-the-feels.jpg

[spike the mustache]

Damit feels why do you make fell so sad

[Pump It Up]

Comments deleted because they were about a previous cover art, and therefore no longer needed. Also to avoid confusion. (This excludes Kapuchu's comment, which was deleted by him/her.)

[Silver Moonlight]

*sniff sniff* WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAA!

[Flash_Magnus]

This was good... though I usually don't want to read these kinds of stories, but eh it just tempts me to read it anyway

Like this one - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/95424/mortal

[Pump It Up]

4276338
Thanks!

[Flash_Magnus]

4277577

You're welcome.

[Pump It Up]

4345846
Thank you for the review! I will go back over it again; I was planning to anyways, because I'm thinking of sumbitting this to EqD. Thank you again!

[Pump It Up]

4349868
Yep! I won't be able to see it until tomorrow, however, because my mobile is being stupid and may have to be replaced, so I won't have it with me tomorrow.

[Zillafire101]

That was very deep. A deep, dark story of loss and immortality. Well done, good sir.

[Pump It Up]

4438375
Thank you.

[NobleValor]

Like Lee Harvey Oswald's arraignment: Short and sweet.

[dragonjek]

I felt Twilight's reaction in the time following the attempt was too... mellow.

I'm not saying that she should be despondent, teary, suddenly embracing life from her brush against death, or falling into unspeaking depression. But it felt like the thought of suicide had just disappeared after she woke up in the hospital. It... doesn't work like that.

I've tried to commit suicide before (please note that there are several years of therapy and thousands of pills between then and now). Knowing that people love you and realizing just how greatly your death would hurt them is a strong motivation to continue living, but it doesn't dispel the aching emptiness that drives one to seek death. You still think about it, obsess about it, and run over the reasons why you should again and again in your head. You argue against yourself, at times trying to talk yourself out of living and at others pulling out everything you can to drown out the desire to die.

Even knowing how much what she did hurt Spike, she can still argue to herself that he would still have Celestia and Cadance, and that if he could endure losing Rarity he could survive her. She could wonder how much her own death would hurt Cadance when she managed to survive Shining Armor (even Cadance's own suicide attempt becomes less of an obstacle to this kind of thought when one considers a continued immortal life to be something so terrible that it requires death to escape).

How shameful a daughter would she be, that she would continue to live for a motherly figure when she lacked even the care to join her true mother in death? How terrible a sister was she, that she would abandon her brother by blood to keep company to a pony and dragon who had become as siblings to her? Before attempting suicide, and in the sometimes even more painful times that follow it, living isn't only something that causes pain. It is something that somehow makes you lesser, something that is shameful, to the point that dying doesn't only become an escape but something that you should do, as choosing to remain alive becomes an act of unforgivable selfishness.

A network of immortals who continue living due to the support of one another, who survive their pains with the love of one another, who find meaning in existence in the continued survival of one another; a family that endures the agony of watching loved ones die by the knowledge of what their own death would take from those still with them; this is something that is present in the story, but not directly acknowledged enough to see the role it plays in Twilight's decision to stay alive.

[Pump It Up]

5731928
I know it's been nearly nine (?!) years since you've written this comment, and I don't know if you'll ever see this reply, but I want to thank you for writing this comment. At the time, I didn't know how to respond or what to make of it, because I also didn't know how I was going to fix it. I think now I know why, thanks to you, this story doesn't work the way it should: not only was I a teenager with a limited scope of knowledge and understanding of how things worked, but I was a teenager writing about something I couldn't bring myself to do and didn't have the same mindset about, but I sure as hell just simply didn't want to exist, and wished sometimes at that time that I could even have the ability to hurt myself more. I was writing this out of a place of genuine emotions, but not the severity, the level that I was attempting to portray. I think, now that I'm older, I'd have a better shot at making another attempt, now in a better mindset than I was in and with nine more years of life and experience under my belt, but also with the help of this comment and the insight you've provided. I've no guarantee that I'll do a rewrite, but I'm sure it'll sit there in the back of my mind as a possibility. I've already been considering rewriting this one for over a year now.

I'm glad that you were doing better then, and I hope you're doing well now. All the best to you!

[dragonjek]

11793664
I wish you luck in the rewrite (if you decide to do one in the end), and I'm glad that I managed to give you some perspective.