During one of Rarity's many visits to Canterlot she begins to find herself questioning if the life she dreams of is the one she really wants. What caused this change of heart? What could come between Rarity and the life she has always wanted? Will she be willing to give it all up to help a single pony in her hour of need and in turn what will this pony do for her? Will she return the feelings that Rarity shows or simply walk away?
Author note: This story is set just after series 3 ends as such the events of season 4 do not have any bearing on it, think of it as an alternate reality.
Chapters (9)
Haven't seen a good Octavia/Rarity fic in awhile and this is a fresh change of pace.
I... As a staunch Raritavia shipper, it kind of pains me to see a work like this - with as much promise as this - done so poorly. If I may, a few suggestions:
Remember to indent at the beginning of each paragraph. I know fimfic's coding is a touch picky, and if you're importing from gdocs or word, it gets worse. I've had issues with this myself in the past.
"Marvelous" is spelled with one L, not two. Additionally, I'd be careful adding those extra 'E's to the ends of words, such as 'Programme.' They fit in here and there, but overuse might turn readers off.
Remember your we're/were, two/to/too rules. You started one sentence off "Where here, darling" or something of the sort - when I'm sure you meant to say 'We're.'
In short, your story has a lot of promise, but the lack of indentations and continued errors made it difficult to read. I'd encourage you to give it another read-through to pick out the smaller continuity and spelling/attribution errors. Adding indents would help immensely. I've written my own Rarity/Octavia story, titled 'Intimate Details,' and it's been relatively well-received. I really enjoy this pairing, and it has a special place in my heart. Please, consider implementing these changes. I'd hate to see a story with such a good premise not get its time in the limelight.
Sincerely,
-Loyal
3638016
Thanks for the tips mate. I've been having to self spell check my work as I lack anyone who can do it for me so thanks for pointing out those errors, I'll make sure to correct them before I post the next chapter. Also I'm English so we do tend to spell a few things differently, like for example marvellous is spelt with two l's over here so apologies for the confusion. Hopefully my next chapter will much more refined.
3642362
Aah, that makes a little more sense. You know, there's a rather healthy pre-reader and editor community. If you reached out, I'm sure someone would gladly look over your work.
Oh I really love this! It's a very different pairing that I haven't seen before. The writing is great and I feel you really get Rarity's character, which most authors seem to not. Octavia is a bit different than I picture her, but that's fine and considering her current situation it makes since. being broken can really effect a pony(person). I'd liked to have seen a bit more back story on why Octavia is being shunned, I can only assume it involves the Gala and hope to see it explored in later chapters.
I'm gonna break one of my rules and go ahead and fav this, even though it's the first chapter. I can't wait to see more!
3649612
Many thanks. ^^ I currently have the second chapter written but I'm currently checking it for errors so it may be a few days before I get around to posting it. And yes you'll get plenty of details on just what is going on very soon.
Not based on either the Carolyn Reeder book or the Twilight fanfiction?
3827136 I'm sorry what now? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with either of those.
I'm enjoying this immensely and I'm very much liking the characterizations for both Rarity and Octavia. This is also fresh take on her fall from grace which I like. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to see where this goes.
Enjoyed this. :D keep em coming.
This story has more downvotes than it deserves.
A little rough but still promising. Keep practicing.
3862028
Thanks, I know I'm not perfect, gotta get someone to proof it eventually
Why do I have the feeling Octavia is being shunned over the whole Gala fiasco?
Oh good, at least this isn't Pinkie's fault. I really do enjoy running across these odd pairings.
Now that Octavia has been completely broken down, it looks like it's time to build her back up. I await her arrival to Ponyville and the healing magic of friendship.
I had expected Fredrick to be brutal...but not quite THAT Brutal....I can only hope that when all is said and done he eats his words...
3894337
Call me evil but I truly enjoyed writing that chapter, I've had it in mind since the beginning. There's still a ways to go yet though, what will become of Frederick? Only time will tell.
Frederick is a bitter horshoecock. e_e
3904772 you could say that yes
3905396
Though I can understand some of his pain, I mean having the hots for a filly only to find out shes not into stallions... e_e kinda stomps on your pride a bit. That and I am sure he is also prejudice against such fillies.
And here we find the most rare of all shippings, the Octarity in its natural environment. We shall follow this and observe its behavior in the wild.
4069036
Thank you, I am working on getting an editor to work on my mistakes so hopefully I can get them all cleared up soon.
So sappy...I LOVE IT!
Such a rare pairing, and so well written. Thank you!
The feels...sweet Celestia the feels. I've never seen this pairing before and this was amazingly well written. Bravo!
4234635 Heheh, glad you like it.
4237091 Thanks, I really enjoyed writing this so it's great to know you liked it.
4237643 Thank you very much, glad I could give you something enjoyable to read.
Yes. This is hooves down the best... certainly my favorite Rarity piece I've read. Finally a take on the Element of Generosity that didn't turn resentful, or focus on Rarity being the damsel; the White Knight metaphor was wonderful. Maybe, just a little too "My Fair Lady" or "The Blindside", but a tight arc that left me really pleased.
Nice work, M.
4243609 Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Hmm. This could be a decent story, but you have some serious sentence structure and punctuation problems. Do you have a pre-reader? If not, try and get some help from some of the groups on fimfiction that exist for that purpose.
Frederick is disgusting in this story. There's no justification of any kind for the way he's acting. It's actually throwing me out of the story a little bit, because he's so over-the-top.
I also lose respect for Octavia for allowing him to talk that way to her, and for Rarity as well by extension. Don't tell me they're too weak and helpless to shut him up.
This didn't need to be a pun. It's so bad, it makes the story surrounding it seem worse.
Also, what the hell is wrong with Rarity? Nagging Octavia for not going back to visit her abusive father? Really?
You seem to like having men abuse Octavia and get away with it scot free. In the beginning of this chapter, characters are showing sympathy for Frederick and by extension you're asking us to do the same. That... is highly morally questionable.
4603968 Howdy! I can see where you're coming from but that wasn't my intent. I was trying to capture the way in which people begin to question whether they are right or wrong even when faced with extreme situations. I encourage you to read on and give me your final thoughts once you've read the whole thing. I will admit that Statahoovius pun may have been a little out of place but I honestly couldn't resist.
The kiss was sweet.
No one got what was coming to them for being so abusive.
4603968 I agree with this comment. Rarity still seems a bit... Naive about the hatred that Octavia faces.
What, you can't say no, they're on a mission from God. Didn't you read the script, Parish?
It was alright. At some level, I think you'd have a stronger story of you didn't bother to reconcile some of loose ends. In particular, Concerto and Octavia's father felt like you just threw them in because they checked a box, and it made them feel kind of cheap. I think you could have resolved them well, but it would require a much sterner tone and a bunch more words. (Likewise, the tone of her reconciliation with Frederick, especially the physical affection, was super icky.)
4603902 This. That whole scene felt like so much potential was wasted. He was over the top, okay. But that could have resulted in a large action from one of our leads. Something to cement what one thinks about how Octy is being treated but instead they both just leave. It just felt like a horrible waste of a scene. All that buildup to his character and "oops, it's over"
4605391
This. HO BOY THIS.
I read the bit with Fred and I could only think "No. NO. NO! GOD FUC- NO!" He (and her father) both did WAY too much to her while she was emotionally vulnerable and then she just forgives them? It doesn't feel like Octavia has grown AT ALL. She's still apologizing to everyone even though it's been obvious for a while now that she wasn't at fault at all. She just hasn't grown she's basically the same exact character that the story started with just a little more happy.
7268481
This. Also it's just too...happy. WAY too happy. Everyone is forgiven and that's it. It's just...dull and a bit ridiculous. Happy endings are good but not when nothing goes wrong. Sure Octavia didn't get her old ensamble back but everything else is just hunky dory. Everyone's forgiven and happy, an entire city seems to have suddenly accepted Octavia back with open arms and that's it. Everyone's happy. No one walks away sad.
It sounds really blunt but that's boring. Very much so.
I know that this is an old story and you probably don't care about or for your writing skill from two years ago but I just couldn't stop myself from typing this out. I NEEDED THE RELEASE. You had the beginnings of a good story here but the characters just kinda stagnated and it ended unrealistically happy. That is all. Have a good day and wonderful life
-YBG