Chapter 1
"Hello Twilight." The Mint green alicorn said.
"Star?" Twilight responded, confused. "What? How? Huh? Aren't you dead?"
"It's been a while, cousin. Six years if I remember correctly." Star responded calmly.
"Ten years Star. Ten." Twilight corrected.
"Ten whole years? Really?" Star asked.
"Yes", the purple alicorn said. "Now tell me, how did you get your wings, where have you been, and where you learned that strange magic that your radiating." Twilight Demanded. Star Shine Chuckled.
"You've been princess less than a month and your already ordering everyone around."
"No I'm not, wait. Everyone?"
"Aw yes. I forgot ponies spoke like that. No one back home does. It offends the locals."
"Huh? Where have you been living? And when did you get that scar? The one your hiding with an illusion. Yes I can see through it."
"In the Griffin Domain. I've been working as a bounty hunter for these years. Kill or be killed."
"WHAT?!!" Twilight Shouted in shock.
"You heard me."
"Tell me Star please. What happened?"
"Alright cousin Twilight. I will tell you."
"I am Star Shine Sparkle. Brother of Telescope Sparkle. Son of Dark Elixir and Shooting Star. Uncle of Comet Sparkle, husband of Songbird Leaf. And this, is my story.
I was born on May 6, 14 B.L.R.( Before Luna's return) in the Manor of my father. I was the first born Sparkle to be a non-unicorn since our family's beginning. I was even better: I was an alicorn and, like all members of our branch of the Sparkle family, I had these swirling marks. I was also given the crescent moon earing that all of us wear at all times. My father, Dark Elixir, a Sparkle unicorn alchemist, gave rise to my first memories. Pain. He experimented on me for years, trying to find out why I was born an alicorn. My used him dark magic to bond my mother into a room of the manor. My only friends were my mother and older brother, Telescope Sparkle, who was under an unbreakable geis, a magical vow, never to tell anyone of my mistreatment or help me escape. However, on my 5th birthday he was stricken by an unknown disease. He died three months later. The library became my sanctuary, it's books my only comfort. A year passed before I discovered the one book that would change my life forever."
"What was it?"Twilight interrupted.
" An ancient book, so old it predated pony kind itself. Leather bound, held together only by magics so ancient they predate The Elements of Harmony, perhaps Equis itself. Its name,written in large golden letters letters, was Astral Magic. I soon discovered that the book could only be read by those who could learn to wield it's power. I being that last one among ponies. Astral mages had been hunted down and slain as infants by beings who feared our power, and with good reason, for we can tap the powers of the cosmos, and even beyond that, the primal magic themselves. There are few powers upon this world mighty enough to fight a ring of Astral mages.
"I'm gonna stop you there cous. That's the second time you've used that word:mage. What does it mean?"
"You don't honestly believe unicorns and alicorns were the only ones who could use magic did you?"
'"What?" Twilight responded confusedly. Star sighed.
"I suppose you do. Just like almost every other stupid, magic corrupting, close-minded pony. And here I thought you'd be different."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I just thought a cousin of mine, who's talent is magic would be less close minded."
"What do you mean by that? Magic is no different from any other science."
"You're a fool Twilight, you know that? Magic is an art, not a mere science. In a science a+b+c, unless there is d. Magic is an art. That means a+b=potato and d+x=p[i/]."
"Um... what?"
"Magic is an art, and like any art, It's illogical, at least some of the time. It comes from the heart. It takes time to master, and it isn't purely logical. What works for someone else could fail epically for you. Do you honestly believe that your horn is the thing that let's you do magic?"
"Um, yes?"
"It's not. Anyone can do at least a little magic with the right training. Magic is the fabric of all worlds. It's the very essence of life and creation and a force of the maelstrom. It is beyond our mortal laws."
"Okay. But wait, aren't we immortal?"
"No. We do not age past a certain point. Well, at least you, Celestia, and Luna don't. I don't know about me. There is a difference between immortality and eternal life."
"Makes sense. Wait, you said ponies corrupt magic. What do you mean?"
"In it's natural state, the world is governed by nature. Not by ponies. Trees grow, clouds move, animals fend for themselves. All on their own. The Everfree is now the home of nearly all Equestria's natural magic. Have you seen how no one governs the weather outside Equestria?"
"Well now that you mention it, I did see it as strange that pegasi control the weather when they only live in Equestria."
"Exactly. That is how you corrupt magic. You pervert nature to your own desires and treat magic as a science. We're worse than the humani."
"Humani? What are they?"
"Beings who live on another world. Humans, they're called by their own. Thought not a magical race by nature, they are quite adept at it. Pity they chose to lull their magic to sleep so they could pressure technology."
"How is that a pity? Advanced technology would be amazing."
"Magic and technology never mix. Magic's very conscious presence destroys it."
"Conscious? You make it sound like magic is alive."
"It is alive. Though humans have put it to sleep. In the dormant state it is in on most of their world it doesn't destroy technology, it doesn't do anything really, however, awaken magic is one of the easiest things a mage can do."
"I see. But, why is it a shame? Technology should be an ample substitute for magic."
"In many cases yes, but technology has no defense against the supernatural. There are ancient and powerful beings out there that will remain unharmed after even the greatest of mortal assaults. Mages can set up shields that will stop any mortal assault. Apophis. Set. Satan. The Leviathan. Titans. Demons, davas. And so many others. None of them can be harmed even in the slightest by technology."
"I see, well this has become a rather large tangent."
"Well as the human Rage says
You must tangent as you tangent in order to tangent in a tangently manner.
"
"Huh?"
"Or something like that."
"Have you been to their world?"
"No. There are many worlds with humans on them, but there is no way to cross a realm without a Worldgate or a planeswalker."
"Worldgate? Planeswalker?"
"Worldgates are portals that can cross realms, and they can be hallows in trees, mirrors, rabbit holes, and a few others. And of course a planeswalker is a being who can cross realms the way we cross streets. There are a few planeswalking races, like windsisters and the void-dragons, but most are of the ascended variety. One in every million sentient mortals is born with a planeswalker's spark, which causes them to ascend when they go through a traumatizing experiences, like a death-blow. Unfortunately, they can't carry anyone with them."
"Okay. You were saying?"
"Ah yes where was I? Ah yes. There:
It took two years for me to learn even the basics of Astral magic, and another before I finally unleashed it. Half way through I discovered the downsides. My magic makes even contact with Circaea lutetiana, Encanter's Nightsade, fatal. And there is no cure. Not science, sorcery, nor alchemy can save me. I will die, slowly and painfully. It's very presence is like kryptonite to me. I am also damned to tragedy. There are even some cosmic events that will render me powerless. But it was too late to turn back, so I continued. My father had often beat my mother for protecting me, but this time he went to far. He had killed her. When I saw this I was overcome by rage. I unleashed all my power upon him, leaving him as nothing but a black mark of the floor."
Twilight Gasped, but Star ignored her.
"It's amazing what magic you can muster in that kind of rage. I couldn't kill a bird before. Then, I incinerated him. It was three years before I could muster even a quarter that power at once but that is a story for another day. After I killed him, I burned down the manor. That night I fled my family estate with nothing but the fur on my back, my family sword, and the book. I was 8 years old. The story is pretty simple after that. I ran to the Griffin Domain, when I got there two months later I was an inch from dead. I had no idea how to survive in the wilderness. I thought I knew enough from my books but there is a difference between reading about something and doing it. My life was saved by a kind old griffin mage by the name of Calragus. Calragus fed me, trained me to fight, survive, and taught me the law of the land: kill or be killed. He gave me two gifts this amulet, and a chance. He died a year later. I joined the bounty hunters guild by the name of "Elder Fire" that day. My utter disregard for the rules of engagement, impulsiveness, and massive stores of rage made me one of the top 20 hunters, number 16 to be exact, in the guild. All the girls hated me for some reason tough. We numbered about 352 hunters at the time I was known for getting beat up by Urzang, sword mage, the number 12 hunter. Always wears some kind of armor. Even when she's asleep. Don't ask how I know that. That girl was in a whole other league. I was one of the only solo hunters. I duel wielded an iron blade and the family sword as well as my magic as a weapon of last defense. I prefer to fight fair. One day, about six years after that, I say a request, a wanted poster. Apparently it was a young pony mare by the name of Songbird Leaf. I read the poster and it said she was an earth pony, but with zebra like stripes and some kind of magical power over nature. She was a druid, I had read about them back in the manor, though I though they were a myth, or at least extinct and, I wasn't sure why she had stripes. I took the job. I found her. I met her and I discovered she too had a tragic tale. She was naturally skilled in druidic magic, which many ponies think impossible. Several scientists and alchemist had tried to experiment on her. At first her family was able to protect her, and the Government made it perfectly clear that she was not to be experimented on. She was a normal pony with an abnormal skill to them. She was to be protected. But that didn't stop some of them. At first her family fought off the people"[i/]
"People?" Twilight interrupted.
"A term for any sentient being." Star responded."Do you want to hear my story or not?" He asked impatiently.
"I would." She responded.Same old Star.Underneath that heartless tough guy cover he's still the same impulsive, fearless, paranoid, in need of anger management classes,never-say-die, strong-willed, hard-headed, loyal as a wolf colt that I meet at the 100-moons family reunion who's father wouldn't let him take off his coat. She thought. "Though I must admit your starting to sound like a bit of a Gary Stu."
"I know. But just because I'm strong doesn't mean I'm immortal. Besides, my specialization is in self-improvement battle spells. The kind the heighten my senses, make me stronger, faster, more agile. Increases stamina, durability, makes my madder. Sharpen my swords, hardens my armor. Stuff like that. Most other battle spells I've got are AoE. Area of Effect. Hits everything around me. Besides, I could levitate an ursa minor and a water tower of milk like you did, but I'm I no way prepared for a Major. Not to mention my weaknesses."
"You have weaknesses?", Twilight said, interested.
"Well as I said before, Encanter' s Nightshade, some cosmic events, if I channel too much cosmic mage I'll literally burn up, and a few materials can stop my magic. Diamond and lampis lazuri."
"How?", Twilight questioned.
"Well diamond soaks up astral magic like a sponge and I can't get it back out, and lazuri, for some reason, is totally immune to it. I have no idea why."
"Interesting. Please continue the story." Twilight replied, making a not to look into it later.
"Of course. Back to the story."
"However, before too long the people began hiring bounty hunters to eliminate her family. They were all dead within 3-months. I brought her back with me to the guild, for her own protection. Guilds look out for their own. Not many wouldn't think twice before challenging a guild over 350 strong. A half a year passed. I agreed to go on a mission with Songbird and her team: the Griffin archer Gloria, her spirit-wolf Lycos the minotaur paladin Taurus, and the zebra alchemist Zarila. We were hunting Aldrizara, a powerful demon. One of the beings I told you about earlier, impervious to mortals. They needed a powerful mage to complete their party. Gloria's arrows may have been enchanted, Taurus may have been able to take some real punishment and dish it back out with is magic hammers, Zarila may have had some good potions, and Song may have been a healing forte, but without a complete party, it'd be suicide. And that ment a mage, like me. It still was. Zarila, Tauras and Lycos were all killed. Me, Gloria, and Songbird barely escaped with our lives. During the battle, I realized just how much Songbird meant to me. I was in love. It took me a month and a half to work up the courage to propose to her. She excepted, and we were married. Best day of my life. Then, just six-months latter I found a newspaper, it said that a unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Celestia, had recently ascended to alicornhood, and would be crowned a princess of Equestria in two weeks. I had to see this for myself. Unfortunately, I was delayed by my niece, Comet Sparkle, who I met along the way, and one of my legion of enemies. One of my first: a Thestrel by the name of Shade Darkwing. And now I'm here. My name is Star Shine Sparkle. Brother of Telescope Sparkle. Son of Dark Elixir and Shooting Star. Student of Calragus. Uncle of Comet Sparkle, husband of Songbird Leaf. And this is my story."
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Mate you've really got to work on your "Gary Stu's" I've just took a brief look at your last story and you really seem to have trouble staying away from Gary Stu/Over Powered Characters.
So, he's Twilight's Cousin that's already an extreme nope for potential readers, you've just made your OC related to one of the main characters and that's a big no-no, to add to this you've made your OC an Alicorn with "Strange magic" which I'll assume means "Better magic than Twilight's"
To add to this all, he didn't earn any of it, he was just born better than Twilight.
To make matters even worse you're playing the cliche and terrible "It's a curse really!" card which nobody is going to buy.
He's also a Bounty Hunter and a he's Ruthless yet his color scheme and hair scream "I fell out of a bad anime pls love me"
All in all you're character is extremely flat, uninteresting and screams Gary Stu the moment you try to look at him.
I'll give points because you're trying 2000+ words isn't something to just scoff at, but you've really, really got to improve on your character creations. It's hard for well known and accomplished writers to create a character related to a main character.
And to put it bluntly this character is an insult to Twilight's family in so many ways, you've created a character that basically goes "Oh Twilight's special? WELL I'M EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN HER AND MORE SPECIAL"
How the Hell did I get five dislikes and one like within two minutes of posting this??!!?!
Got rekt. ._.
Quite honestly, just looking at the description makes me go nopnopnope.
Character creation, work on it.
Second. You're entire story so far is dialogue. Including huge blocks of text that most people would not bother to read.
this is the best story I have ever read lol u should write more it made me feel
3500358
>made me feel
Wat.
Sorry, but I am enjoying watching this story get rekt too much. It's 3 AM so obviously something is wrong with me.
I want to see if this thing gets downvoted into oblivion or something.
3500376
It made me feel bro.
Didn't say it was a good feel.
3500403
All of da feels.
It is mutual. I've read enough fics to recognize this type with a glance at the description.
3500256
Well it's quite simple.
This story is garbage.
Few people like garbage.
3500435 Retorical Question!!!!*headbut*
3500435
Blunt.
Fic2trash4u?
3500441
*Rhetorical,
and he didn't even ask a question.EDIT: I looked at more than one comment.
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
I do have to say that your OC needs worked on. The wings don't even look separate. It looks like they're stuck together like....like...fuck I don't even know. But it makes me feel like he was one of those people who were born with body parts stuck together. Plus the cutie mark is a really, really, really close resemblance. I would understand if they were like brother and sister. But cousins can't be that similar. Also, no one has better magic than Twilight. (princesses don't count) We both knew it. Your description makes it sound bad already. You are pretty much saying that he's better. Just because he became an alicorn doesn't mean that he's instantly better.
Last but not least. An OC is supposed to be describing the author. An OC is their own personality, colors, language, etc. Its not a wise move to make them related to the mane (my version of "main") six. Really wasn't.
Though I know you probably had higher expectations for this and trust me I've been there. It just didn't work out. I know your probably mad. I wouldn't blame you because I'm probably not helping either. But the best thing to do is just delete it. My suggestion. But only do it if you truly don't see any recovery from it.
Have a good day or night. Keep your chin up and don't let others bring you down.
3500578 Some people write because it's what they like doing, regardless of whether others like it or not.
*cough*Chatoyance*cough*
Okay man. I'm glad you had fun writing this story assuming that's how you got to around 2k+ words.
I know how it feels to be immediately surrounded by "haters" just for making a story that you enjoy. I had this troll once that actually kept with my chapter updates and won't stop talking shit to everyone!
it's sad that some people base the quality of the story just for the 'bad' concept alone, so when I saw the dislikes on this story I started to read it so I can maybe defend you (after having my fun reading the comments of course) but...
ahaha! omg. I'm sorry, I just couldn't read it all...
anyway, this would be a lot more justifiable if it had a whole lot better narration. ill assume you're around 13 years old so I won't expect too much... not that age is a primary factor in fan fic writing mind you.
I haven't laughed like this in days, thanks for uploading this! really enjoyed the feedback - ahem - I mean, be proud of your 'mistakes'! because you get to learn from them!
Uh........huh.
This is worse than me writing my first fanfiction which is now gone. You got alot of things to fix here. Rules are different here. I can't stand your story, I don't understand it. To be honest, you make me press that dislike. Btw, I know you might go to my stories just to dislike it. So face the truth!
Wow. Where to begin?
There needs to be a comma before the name any time a character is directly addressed.
When dialogue is part of a longer sentence, you end the spoken portion with a comma, not a period. Also, as it's a continuation of the sentence, the word "the" would not be capitalized. I can't even speculate as to why "mint" has been capitalized.
There is a difference between "your" and "you're"; learn it.
More unnecessary capitalization.
Not bloodly likely. It's doubtful even the average Equestrian pony would forget such a thing, and your guy is supposed to be some kind of genius.
I assume this is to impress us with how much of a badass he is? I mean, since it doesn't seem to serve any other purpose.
You just name-dropped a bunch of OCs that no one is going to remember or care about, especially since only two of them actually get mentioned after this. And it's not like they get any actual development...
Well, of course they do.
How convenient.
How does he know? It's not like he's been passing the book around to see if anybody can make out what it says on the author's dedication page...
Schooling Twi about magic, droning on about how there's far more to magic than the ponies of Equestria know, and generally pissing on canon are all marks of a Gary Stu, just so you know. I've seen it before.
Well, which is it? And how does this clarify anything? "It's tastier than a doughnut." "Doughnuts? What are they?" "They're a subset of baked goods known as donuts."
This meaninglessness is meaningless in a meaningless fashion, rendering the whole sentence meaningless.
This... this is horrible.
First grievous sin: the main character is related to one of the Mane Six. Unless it's one of their parents, your story is gonna get bombed.
Second grievous sin: alicorn. No. Just no. There are four alicorns, and they are practically demigods. What's more, their power is earned. From what I've gathered, his alicorn-hood fell into his lap.
Third: grammar (or lack thereof). I don't even need to read the story proper to pick up on this, your synopsis would give an English professor an aneurysm.
Fourth sun: God-awful looking OC. MY EYES! IT BURNS! Seriously, did you even look at that abomination? Find colours that complement each other, that actually look nice. And don't use the various pony-creators as actual pictures. Use them for reference and to design them, sure.
Seriously, go back, maybe try a less terrible idea (seriously, this is up there with 'HiE Gary Stu enters Equestria, becomes an alicorn and fucks the Mane Six and the Princesses' for worst fic ideas)
3500605
Hey, let's not bag other authors when we should be helping this guy from becoming a lost cause.
Chat's stories aren't for everyone, but at least they're well-written.
I am not going to write what is wrong, because I would be pretty much repeating what already is written here, its not as bad as it could be, I mean it could be a (human/elf/drow/eldar/ork/tyranid/hollow/tailed beast/ something else that you like) that comes to Equestria to kill everyone, or as someone already said, an Allicorn OC scored with princesses and main six, but still I have to give you a dislike, this is pretty bad.
Shit, I'm feeling nauseous just looking at this.
Pony Creator OC for the cover art? Just wonderful. Wait, did you... did you point your phone or whatever at your monitor and take a photo? Because that sure as hell isn't a screencap.
Christ, I think I might be sick.
3501156
That picture tho.
I could not even finish the whole story... Uh... An alicorn OC? Who is related to Twilight Sparkle? That's just offensive. You mentioned that he was born an alicorn, and used the word 'better' in reference to the being an alicorn. Alicorn =/= Good story character. I'm sure if you worked on your grammar a bit and wrote about something worth reading, your stories would get less hate.
Look at your keyboard. There is a MAGICAL button that reads "prt sc" or "Print Screen" or possibly "prnt scrn". Press it and go in to Paint. Then use the paste function. See what just happened? You took a screenshot of what was on the screen. You didn't have to take a photo, lol.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Gary Stu Infodump: The Story (Or The Totally Better-Then-Twilight's-Story Story Of $#!t Shine, The Alicorn Who Was Better Then Twilight In Every Way Possible And If You Disagree You're A F*#&ing Loser Like Twilight Because She Is A Loser Who Looks Up To Her Much Better Alicorn Brother Star Shine Because He Has Awesome Astral Powers And He Has A Tragic Backstory But Is Also Ruthless And A Bounty Hunter And Did I Mention Twilight Is A Loser, Because She Is A Loser And I Have An Equation To Prove It, But I'm Getting Off Topic, Anyways, Star Shine Is Better Then Twilight In Every Way And Should Be Canon Because He Is Better Then Her And So Is His Wife, Leaf Beef, And Humans Are Apart Of Equestria, I Know It, Because Mages Exisit, Also, Speaking Of Humans, Twilight Is, Like, The Worst Princess Ever Because She's Bossy And Stuff And I Like Animes)
...Y'know, the only thing that can be said about it is: "You think you're powerful, Twilight? WELL I'M MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE!"... And he then ends up dating Celesita for some reason, but his "wife" is OK with it because Star Shine's that awesome and can do whatever he wants, especially since he's part of a dark prophecy that states that not only is he the only one who can save the world from [insert villain here], but he's also the ultimate Alicorn because he was a goth-emo-kawaii-otaku human who had weird color changing hair and was relentlessly bullied for that and being a Brony and committed suicide because he was bullied and, by the end of the story, has turned all of Equestria into his personal harem and has a billion Alicorn babies with Laren Faust... The point is, this story kinda sucks.
There are several things I would point out, but I'm just gonna list a few.
I suggest making his color scheme less......crazy. Make him look like a pony, not a mess of random colors. And don't make him an alicorn. A unicorn would have worked, maybe a pegasus, but definitely not an alicorn. People are going to go bonkers over that, which I've seen in a few comments already.
It's good that you like what you're writing, but it could use some improvement.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_fad97c_231736.jpg
My Texas Instruments TI-84 PLUS wants you to know that EVERY GODDAMN EQUATION WITH THREE DIFFERENT NUMBERS AND ADDITION CAN BE WRITTEN LIKE THIS! Jeez...
I read the entire chapter, and I feel like beating your OC to death with a baby seal...
Try googling "Mary Sue test" and take one that appears. You'll notice that your OC, to be honest, is a Mary Sue of the highest level.
Oh wow... Let me tell you the honest truth here: this isn't working.
Here's the thing, when writing a story centering about an OC, you must make your audience care about them somehow. I'm not saying give them a terrible backstory that is a bigger sob story than Aurore, l'enfant martyre. I'm saying, through actions and challenging trials, have us like your OC. Don't tell us to like your OC, make us. Don't just infodump everything on your reader, have them discover things gradually. It's a complex writing process, but that's what you need.
That, was however, in general. Remember that you must make the audience care about your character, but chances are, anyone on this website is a brony. We already like the characters from the show. I care a truckload more about Twilight than your Star, I don't like reading about a condescending asshole talking her down. There's nothing about this to make me root for your character. Why? Why do you think people will like reading about Star one-upping Twilight?
That's the last thing I want you to think about. Why? Ask yourself, why should people like my OC? Because he's a total badass? We apparently heard that, but we don't see it, so it just comes off as annoying bragging. Even if it was true, it will just make things boring. Who wants to read an endless series conflictless curp-stomb battles? It might be fun for you as the author, but that's just a power fantasy. Seriously, find what is likeable about your OC and introduce him in a meaningful manner.
Good luck.
Why is it that you wrote about five sixths of this story with the italics on? It seems as if you looked at a small part of the story in italics, stepped back, liked the look of it and then decided to write the rest of the story in italics, without changing the non-italic words. Italics just don't work as a way to structure a story. Also, did you really think that this story had a worthwhile plot and would be a satisfying read? To be honest, I wrote better than this when I first started writing and I was twelve then. I only read about a third of this and then stopped, mostly because it was just so badly written.
Personally, if I read all of this I thought this would happen to me.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3019573/indiana-jones-face-melt-o.gif
I couldn't resist taking a look at this when I saw it getting downvoted into oblivion, and I have to say, I don't regret it at all. This is like the Troll 2 of fanfiction. It's almost glorious in its wretchedness. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything that was actually intended to be funny.
Still downvoting, of course, but I really am glad I read this.
The story deserves a down vote.
The comments, however, deserve an upvote. Good job!
-Lumino
3501048
Oh no, he's got the suds!
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3340651/the-suds-o.gif
Here, allow me to post everything that is wrong with your fic:
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Star Shine Sparkle best pony.
Not really. Dude, write something that doesn't suck. The quality of the writing isn't completely trash, but this premise is terrible.
I am loving and tolerating the shit out of this story.
...between shots of brain bleach.
I have never disliked a story before. I have read mindless drivel, and I have read things that made me vomit, but I cut those authors some slack because they legitimately tried. I have never done this before, but when I'm done with this comment I will be hitting the dislike button for the first time. You should feel terrible for making me do that.
This story was terrible, it had no plot, it had nothing to it. It was a random collection of text. You need to delete it, and try again.
it's beautiful
3500804 there is a difference between "readable" and "well-written".
piclair.com/data/o072p.jpg
Ha ha ha no.
You have successfully broken all forms of canon. Congratulations! Your prize is my utter hatred.
Worst story 2014 anyone?
I think this guy deserves it.
No words.
This story is a mess. Not only is there virtually no semblance of any plot, your main character himself also leaves much to be desired. He is an overpowered alicorn, and a Gary-Stu to boot. I'm sorry, but characters like him just aren't interesting in the slightest. In all honesty, this story could use an entire revision, preferably within your length, main character and plot department.
It's at times like these where I feel like my attempts at writing "comedy" fics back in my early days weren't so bad.
At least, when compared to this thing you call a story.
Seriously, what the fuck, mate.
I'll just say this, your story deserves an award.
A Golden Dumpster Award, that is.Linky .
3502506
Well-written from a technical standpoint.
3502805
I just joined the group, and I was about to ask how one would go about making nominations...
3502808 ah, yes. I will agree there, I was perfectly able to read every single line of insipid drivil that are her fics
3503878
Her stuff falls into 'love it or hate it'.
I guess you're of the 'hate it' party.
ANYWAY, enough bashing other authors. Let's bash this author in the hope we can knock some sense through his dense skull about everything he's done wrong with this fic.
3503909
And that's why I wrote a parody of this story today, called Star Shine "The Mint" Sparkle: The Rise Of An Awesome Alicorn (Who's Better Then Twilight). It hasn't been moderated yet (as far as I can tell), but, when it does... It'll do something, maybe.
3500578 About the OC part... WRONG! What you are describing is a PonySONA. Now, don't get me wrong: any sona is an OC; but just because all Ponysonas are OCs doesn't mean all OCs are Ponysonas. I have about... two dozen pony OCs, give or take. That doesn't mean I have two dozen different 'me's running around. OC only means Original Character.
Then again, a gary-stu isn't ORIGINAL, so I guess that's debatable.