WARNING!! I AM A TERRIBLE WRITER!! ALSO, IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY STORY, ACTUALLY GIVE A REASON! DON'T JUST SAY "DUDE, UR STORY IS [censored in order to maintain 'Everyone' status]ING TERRIBLE!! Enjoy!
Twelve years have passed since Equestria landed on Earth and the barrier formed. Eleven and a half years have passed since the Conversion Bureaus opened. Six since Celestia abruptly declared that all humans were evil, and must convert or die. Six since the sons of Adam realized their technology could not defeat magic. And now, humanity has fallen, Celestia reigns supreme, and the barrier cover the world. But all is not lost. For it was on this day when the gods returned, and gave the foolish ruler her final judgment. Wanderer, Defender, Singer, Spellbinder, Witherer, Time Keeper. The High Council. Today they lay their judgment upon Celestia and her precious ponies.
I claim copyright to the High Council:(my creations) Wanderer, Defender, Singer, Spellbinder, Witherer, and Time Keeper. The ponies belong to Hasbro.
Formerly known as "TCB:Final Judgment" but Wave Blaster has a story with the same general concept and a similar name.
if I had to guess you are doing a cross over with the secrets of the immortal Nicklaless flamel
3659318 This version of them is mine. And I even made several of them up.
3659350 No, but I took a few elements from it. Dee will be called "The Magician", the Flamels are the Alchemist and the Sorceress, the Witch of Endor will be here, Gligamish will be "The King", Billy the Kid will be an immortal, a few other things. But here they make up a group known as "The Immortals". And I added a few immortals of my own.
3659411 now all we need is a ass woping athro dragon with a huge ass claymore while packen a very large 6 shooter
3659457 I'll see what I can do. Spike perhaps?
3659483 no way ten to one says Celstia probably left a "dangerous creatcher behind" try a antro Auldin the world eater
I don't like your story, because you're a terrible writer
3659533 GOOD ENOUGH!! HAVE AN INTERNET COOKIE FOR ACTUALLY READING THINGS!!!
Well I didn't think this was that bad, at least I could read it compared to other stories.... some people just butcher the english language.
3659520 I like this plan!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/153/a/6/alduin_anthro_speedpaint_by_ius_iuris-d51yyyw.png
This one good?
3663935 I would prefer a blue color scheme but this is fine. Just add a sleeveless trench coat. Camo pants with a chain belt that he can uses like ghost rider. two katanas one for each hip, two revolvers just above the katanas, tow kopeshes (the eygeptshen swords)on his legs. A clay more on his back. And gose by the name THE ENFORCER. who fights and is only perpose is to keep the balance. the eternal war of chaos and order going and equaled. fighting on the side of change or order, good or evil ect. so in other words if you piss off the wander you meet this guy. which means you just dammed you races to genocide. or you pry that you go to hell rather then meet this fucker.
ps he fights like every anime hero ever or Asura (Japanese god of wrath) from the game Asura's wrath. also main power is Natsu from fair tales powers
3664008 you got a picture like that?
3664219 nope but I do have a OC
3664298
quickmeme.com/img/de/de8ca05a76c3de7f0690af92e072c715f34f28bb30d20da0a5d41476c3dbf87b.jpg
3659747 too true.
3664370 long story short I made the guy and he is the older brother of Spike and a very important side character in my story
Urgh. Okay, for starters, you're introducing a ton of characters all at once. This entire first chapter needs much slower pacing. I'm not saying every character need a paragraph, as that's a lot less natural, but this is whiplash inducing.
Also, you have some of them saying things that they already know. It's not in every bit of dialog, but it's enough to make this awkward. That enormous paragraph of exposition towards the end needs to be broken up into smaller paragraphs as well, and would be better served by more interruptions, either descriptions of reactions by the other deities, or by more questions/assessments from the other deities.
Second, I am just... I don't know. I've read a few things with deities from various religions coming together for whatever reason. Adding in your own made up deities feels awkward to me, especially given how many vast and sundry real world deities you could have pulled from, to fill out the roster. It's also awkward pushing them out of their old pantheons and into a new pantheon that you've created. Why can't Kali be married to Shiva, as she usually is?
Not to mention, do you really need this many deities to get the conversation that you need? I'd dial it back to three or four at most. There aren't that many different opinions being presented. And are these deities really that important to the rest of the story? If they don't show up beyond this chapter, most of this was kind of pointless. You'd be better served by shortening everything to what is necessary (I'd say this is actually a prologue, not the first chapter anyway) and getting on with the story a lot faster.
The second chapter... you might as well cut out the paragraph about Celestia before the flashback. It's completely unnecessary. Twilight's question sets the flashback up on its own and it seems repetitive right after Celestia's paragraph.
The whole thing with Dr. Dee I don't even know what to make of. It's over so briefly that all emotion about Luna's death gets lost. Not to mention, it would be nice to understand what the human's society was like before they were destroyed. You hint at it in the description, but while reading the story I flat out forgot all of that, and the story didn't remind me. I actually thought it was the reverse: that the humans had landed on Equestria, or they were always there. This sort of build-up is not only important in getting the story across, as intended, but it's necessary to make the reader care about what is going on. Some things can be glossed over, but not everything can.
(Also, sons of Adam? That threw me for a loop while reading the description and even more so after reading the first chapter. Your pantheon doesn't even have the Judeo-Christian-Islamic God in it. It is therefore a bizarre choice of epithet for the human race, unless you're trying to point out that they were worshiping the wrong deity/deities.)
That last part... I do detect a Fullmetal Alchemist reference here. It's a bit on the nose, actually. All I'm picturing is Edward looking furious, even though you said he had brown hair. Again, he brings nothing much to the table and needs to have his part expanded to really add impact. Why is he angry or is he just stern? Is it personal for him? I know he was sent to serve the deities' sentence, but it would be nice to know what his opinion of the whole thing is. (Actually, I think it would have been funnier if the Truth, from Fullmetal Alchemist, showed up. THAT would be devastating and it would undoubtedly be willing to sentence anybody as a matter of 'everything requires payment'.)
I get what you're going for. You're trying to make this seem like epic fantasy, but you spent way too much time on the deities and no where near enough time on this. Who is the protagonist? I can't even tell right now. Even in third person omniscient, there tends to be a focus of sorts for the reader. Then again, third person omniscient is kind of hard in that respect. By introducing an omniscient narrator, the reader is naturally distanced from the characters more, though it does work best for showing a wider range of character perspectives. It's a juggling act.
I think you need to consider what the point of your story is and go from there. Is it about revenge? Is it about the consequences of our actions? Is it about awesome action scenes? Is it about the devastation that war causes? Is it meant to focus on Celestia's flaws? Is it meant to show that ponies aren't perfect?
Who are the main characters? Celestia? Twilight? The Alchemist?
Above all else, you really need to flesh out what you have already, as a starting point. I'd dial back the prologue (your first chapter here) to be the very beginning of the first chapter (which is currently your second chapter), or else expand it a lot more and tweak it to get a better idea for who these deities are, where they are, and how they're responding, with less exposition overall, but I'd only do the latter if some or all of them are recurring characters.
I'd also drop Celestia's paragraph entirely, then show Twilight's scene in full. Give her some flashbacks to show why she hates Dee, how much, and who he even is. Show him killing Shining Armor or at least the build-up to that. Show us if Shining Armor's death was anything like Luna's, which would impact Twilight twice as much, perhaps.
Also, give Twilight some time to really feel like she got Celestia's sister killed. Lead that emotion back to her own sense of loss over her brother, explain what Luna means to Twilight in her own right, and have Twilight wanting to comfort Celestia, even if she is too shocked to do so. Or however you believe that Twilight should react. I understand that she was in shock at the time, but these things need to be explained at some point. Even with an omniscient narrator, this can and should be done.
Also, show Celestia's reaction. That's just as important, if not more so, considering that this story is supposedly about her. Celestia should have been devastated that her sister was dead. Showing that is far more important than showing her feeling randomly bored and daydreaming without any emotional attachment to what she's thinking about. If she's going to start thinking about these things, it should have ended with a return to Celestia and how that incident made her feel. In fact, having her flashback about Twilight was just weird... Twilight should have been the one flashing back, not Celestia. Not unless the focus of the flashback was given to Celestia. That's how daydreaming for a flashback works. It's the character just thinking about their life.
I'm honestly wondering if third person limited, with different POV chapters, might not be a better perspective for this story to be told in.
3665682 because Shiva isn't on the council. And read the Wanderer's rant. Look at his list of titles. Yes. lol.
3668267
Yeah, I got the jokes revolving around all of that, and it explained that he is the highest/the first. I realize it's also just a case of "I wanted to", but it seems a bit pointless to create new gods, when others are plentiful. It's not impossible, but unless they're recurring characters, there's no need to spend that much time on them. Also, using things from mythology is a nice short-hand for the audience, in some respects.
I think it's far more hilarious if a well-known deity created the ponies instead. It has a more recognizable impact that way.
For instance, if Zeus did it, then the others could say, "I hope not for the sake of sex." And he could angrily refute that idea. Or Loki, with jokes about Sleipnir. I realize those are both mature jokes, but I'm sure other options could just involve the general WTF factor, or a weird sort of sensibility, or something else.
There are a number of possibilities with other deities.
If you want to keep them, that's fine. In that case, I'd drop the real world deities in favor of your created ones, because it feels like a jarring juxtaposition to me, and it will cut down on the number of characters that need to be introduced. I recognized the RL ones, but not every reader will.
3668427 so basically... use all created gods or all mythological gods?
3668439
I think that's a better way to approach it, yes.
3668454 okay. Got any names I can use for them? Except Kronos, I think I'll hang onto him.
3668463
I'm afraid I don't have any concrete ideas for the specifics.
3668559 any idea will do. I think I can work from there. It's a gift.
3674437
Trust me, if I had anything specific in mind, I'd be rambling again. I can ramble endlessly. It's what I do.
If you're asking for new name suggestions for your OCs, I'd check out some online baby name dictionaries. That's what I use for RL names. My personal favorite is 20,000 Baby Names, but Behind the Name is another favorite of mine. Wikipedia is also great, but it's much harder to find anything, unless you stumble on the right category or you know the name already and just want to see what is linked to it.
If you're asking about specific deities to swap in for your OCs, then I'd check out Wikipedia as a quick way of delving through various pantheons. You can do any further research from there, if you want (though I'm typically lazy and don't usually go further than wiki.)
I'm not sure who would be an automatic include. I kind of have a soft spot for Ganesha and I feel he'd fit into Equestria nicely, though he is probably not a good fit for your roster. If you want a really wild choice for a goddess, I'm a big fan of Chinnamasta, based on imagery if nothing else (she willingly cuts off her own head to help others.) Again, not sure she'd be fitting at all, but she is certainly interesting, though I doubt she's well known. I only learned of her within the past year or two.
I think your best bet is to look for deities who have judgement as their purview. I can't recall any off the top of my head right now, but I know they're out there. And of course, any deity who has the same flavor that you're looking for in their personality.
If you meant something else entirely, then I didn't understand the question.
3677039 I'm just looking for some gibberish names. Three of them.
3734596
Okay then. Hsirebbig, Methfoeerth, and Gnikooltsuj. Voila!
This actually really good, yes it has flaws in plot but I do wan't to see how it turns out. Good job!
cant wate to see my guy show up
3867260 who is your guy again?
3876922 the Enforcer the dragon guy with the swords
3877083 oh yeah.
3877110 sooooowhen you gonna bring him out
3877134 Not sure.
3877168 well so as the fighting starts i would say or near the end for a finnsher
bring hell's rain
also your rushing this man to make a good story you need to let the pain flow and suffer like dying of thirst
death...
Death...
DEATH!!!!!
death...
Death...
DEATH!!!!!
3877667 I summoned the curses, have almost called the Lars, and unleashed the dead. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!
3877857
MORE DEATH!!!!!
3879945 and you shall have it! Eventually...
and then Twilight exsplodes
Enforcer shall soon rise
3974063 that is an awesome video.