• Member Since 5th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen March 31st

Pegasus-skip


T

When Scootaloo forgets her saddlebag at school one day, Cheerilee sends Sweetie-Belle to her house return it. But when Sweetie-Belle returns to the school, she brings with her a harrowing tale of Scootaloo's home-life.

From the unexpected events that follow, Rainbow realises that in order to ensure Scootaloo's happiness, she can no longer remain just a sister. She needs to become… a little bit more.

Edited by: Mike from ShadowBlades

Cover Art by: Alex from ShadowBlades

A Rainbow Scoot-Adopt story

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 192 )

ShadowBlades approved!

~ Michael

Maybe there can be some ScootaBelle in here. It certainly has the possibility for it after that little... happening.

~SolidFire

Jees, that's pretty damn brutal. Writing seems decent enough, not quite an original concept, butt I'll follow all the same.

Interesting start, though there are some issues. The biggest one is that Sweetie Belle's name is not hyphenated. It's not Sweetie-Belle. I can point out the other issues if you want, but that's the biggest one.

3481074 Really? It's not hyphened? Huh... I guess I was wrong.

~ Michael

I need coordinates for a black flame run please provide. Excellent start, faved and followed

Why.....why why why why.....I hate waiting :fluttershbad:

3481464 don't worry, I'm editing chapter 2 as we speak er text... its 5,000 words so it's a big one.

~ Michael

Now this looks to a very interesting fanfic. Can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.:pinkiehappy:

...
The ShadowBlades are editing? Huh, why do keep coming across them?:pinkiegasp: Well, glad to see some awesome writers working on this.:rainbowdetermined2:

pretty good. im into it so write some more!

i want to murder her dad i want to literally rip his wings off and shove them down his throat but that isn't enough. We need to see him suffer.

3482198
Methinks you are a little angry at Scootaloo's father right now.

3481969
More hath been written, it is now in the editing phase ::scootangel:

3481705
My thanks.
And I agree with your awesome comments agout the ShadowBlades :rainbowdetermined2:
If not for Mike the grammar of this story would make dicord happy

3481464
I Pinkie Promise you won't have to wait too long. :pinkiesmile:

3481074
Thanks for letting me know I'll bear that in mind about Sweeties name in the future.:twilightsmile:

3481061
I know it seems a brutal start, but I was hoping for a hit-you-in-the-face WTF reaction from people. 3481074

3481273
Coordinates = Pnyvle sctn 05alpha - enjoy :pinkiesmile:

So...

As she flew over the schoolhouse she noticed a few stray clouds that hadn’t been cleared yet. Knowing that tonight had been forecast to be clear skies throughout all Equestria she diverted

Commas

Rainbows

Rainbow's

dive Rainbow oriented

comma

agitated Sweetie-Belle next

Sweetie Belle.

calmly - trying

comma. not dash.

she dashed out, I asked Sweetie here

comma splice.

Scootaloo’s home thinking about her

comma

even faded the door was opened

Comma

Scootaloo’s father having never

Comma. A good rule of thumb is if you speak it out loud and pause, comma.

afternoon - Miss

Period. Not dash.

aside turning his head to call up the stairs,

Comma, period.

the Stallion so much

stallion

*SLAM* The door swung shut in Sweetie-Belles shocked face, a raised voice coming to her ear’s from the other side, “I TOLD YA’ NOT TO BRING YOUR FRIENDS ROUND RUNT!

Don't need the *. In fact, describe the door slamming. Sweetie Belle's. Period.

voice pleading - fear

comma not dash.

pink aura and Sweetie-Belle ran

comma before "and" and Sweetie Belle.

filly’s stomach causing her to

comma

Sweetie-Belle screamed “Let her GO!” as she

"Let her go!" Sweetie Belle screamed as she...

her bed, and turned to hit Sweetie-Bell in her side.

You have a double space, and another Sweetie Belle.

help, fast.

You underlined 'fast' in the story. Italics would be better.

Looking to the teacher Rainbow spoke

Comma. Also, why not say "Cheerilee?"

I’ve a feeling Rarity won’t be home before long.”

Will be home before long. Also, wouldn't she have to come to the school? It doesn't matter when Rarity gets home because she has to go to the school. Something like "I have a feeling Rarity will be here for her before too long." would work a little better.

Slamming through the door she landed next to the shocked Alicorn.

comma. Also, there is no time between Rainbow taking off and getting to the library. Expand that. On yet another point, you describe Twilight here as a "shocked alicorn." There is a better descriptor, right? I mean, show us that Twilight is shocked, don't tell us.

“Rainbow this is- “ Twilight started to lecture her

Em dash. Also, you don't need the said tag. Describe her actions, not her words, since we already know what they are.

“Not now Twi, this is important!”

Comma splice. "Not now, Twi! This is important!"

saw Twilights own face mirroring

Twilight's

scream - he only hit her

period, not dash.

he’d killed her.

He'd kill her.

As the blows rained down upon her she started to think this was finally it, this would be the day he would go too far… this time, he’d killed her.

As the blows rained down upon her, she started to think that this was finally it. This would be the day he would go to far. This time he'd kill her.

blows - this was

Period or semi-colon.

connected – this time hard

comma

as Lightning Dusts Wing

Lightning Dust's

She deserved it though, outside of training

comma splice.

it had turned into a Confident, Strong and Resolute attitude

It? And why the caps?

Her blood ran cold, if there was

Comma splice.

Putting on an extra burst of speed as she glanced to the mini-map in the corner. She saw the other dots of the Primary team all homing in on Rainbow’s position.

comma. Also, proper nouns are capitalized.

There battling with an unknown stallion was the supposed to be blue mare - coat stained red with her own blood. One wing was obviously dislocated as she fought to stay in the air.
She was bucked in the chest, but when this strike hit, it was one blow too far and she started to fall.

Comma, not dash. You also forgot to hit enter with that second sentence.

and unexpectedly for him - attacked!

and, unexpectedly for him, attacked.

of the stallions’ head.

stallion's

restrained with both hoof and wing cuffs

Standard issue to an entertainment team like the Wonderbolts?

struggling to her feet as Spitfire

Hooves, not feet.

“Easy there Dash, you’re in a bad shape,” Spitfire said trying to get Rainbow to relax.

Easy there, Dash. You're in bad shape." Also, show us how Spitfire is getting RD to relax. Not tell us.

orange filly, with a smooth purple

no comma needed.

treat wounded pony’s she set to work

treat wounded ponies, she set...

broke the Captain, even with the

comma splice.

guard even now, they were the

comma splice.

Looking to the filly she swore that she would help, however she could.

Looking at the filly, she swore that she would help however she could.

she flew, she barely registered

Comma splice.

Rainbow screamed in fury slamming into the stallion before grabbing him with her forearms and threw him across the room.

Rainbow screamed in fury, slamming the stallion before grabbing him with her forearms and throwing him across the room.

Not noticing as he twisted in the air landing on his feet until he charged her, slamming her into the wall, his hoof coming down on Scootaloo’s wing in the process.

She didn't notice that he twisted in the air and landed on his hooves until he charged her..." Two other things: One, try to think about his position while tackling her. It seems unlikely that he could charge at her and slam his hoof on Scootaloo's wing. Two, Scoots' wings are small. So small that he'd also have to slam his hoof into her body to get to her wing.

whinny, slammed her hooves

whinny, and she slammed...

On the aerial combat raged, each blow landed weakening Rainbow a little more

"On the aerial combat raged. Each blow that landed weakened Rainbow..." I'm also having a little trouble buying that this guy can hit her. She's the fastest pony in the entire world, or at least one of them. She should be flying circles around him, not engaging him in a one-on-one fight that she would know that she didn't have the strength to match him with. Also, is she fighting back at all? Because the way you're describing this it sounds like she's not.

full rage – something

comma.

more and she began

more, and she

around her body

comma

he ignored it, she needed to

comma splice.

help. It was with immense relief she recognised the Captain of the Wonderbolts.
When she pointed to the house and managed to mumble about help for Scootaloo she watched as Spitfire became a blur when she flew into the house.

enter key.

passed the one a list

the one what?

gone - a mere

colon would work here, I think.

to Spitfires stoic

Spitfire's

kids. . .

"kid's." Also, why the space in the ellipses?

under guard...

period.

Twilight left the house the conventional way going to the others.
“They’re all going to Ponyville General. It doesn’t – doesn’t look to g-g-good for s-sc-scoot…” She slumped to the floor at that point.

Enter key. Also, who is she talking to?

Celestia... No

no ellipses. Ellipses are for when somebody is trailing off.

hope,” she pleaded with Twilight.

"hope." You don't need the rest. We already know who is speaking.

all of them coming to terms their own way that they may not see Scootaloo’s bright eyed smile again

show don't tell.

her feet, well

hooves.

hospital... In case…” Twilight didn’t finish what she was saying, as they all knew what could happen.

Too many ellipses. Twilight is a princess. Even in the show during times of crisis she doesn't act this scared. I get that she is, but this stutter doesn't sound like Twilight at all. Also, you don't need to say "Twilight didn't finish what she was..." we already know that because she trailed off and stopped speaking.

Applebloom an’ Sweetie-Belle

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie-Belle, Scootaloo needs her friends near her nah

comma splice. Also, just have AJ say "now." You're overdoing her accent otherwise.

find Sweetie-Belle.

Sweetie Belle.

Yeah, those are some of the errors I found. If you don't want me to point them out anymore I won't. I'll keep reading at any rate.

Wow, looks like Sweetie and Dash just saved Scoots' life. Poor thing. That stallion is so dead. I can just imagine Rainbow saying to Spitfire, "just give me five minutes alone with him that's all I ask." or something like that.

3482428 That is quite a few O.o. Did you leave any for anyone else, not that I really want to try my hand at searching for grammatical errors.

3482776

And that's AFTER me and Mike from the ShadowBlades spent 3 hours editing the chapter! Believe me you wouldn't want to have seen it beforehand. :pinkiehappy:

3482659
Wish i'd have thought of something like that when i wrote this chapter...:facehoof:

3482428 sweet mother leviathan, you do that often?

3483528 Every now and again. Only for stories that have some potential that I don't want to see ruined by typos.

3483539 well, good work. I appreciate what you are doing for the community.

Scootaloo needs her friends near her nah.” de-accent the nah part for me now

Where's the Rider when you need him? Scootaloo's dad needs to be mindraped by the Penance Stare.

Edit what the Bronywriter said :twilightsmile:

3482659 Yes, because Rainbow has already proved that she can take him -_-

Well that got me raging real quick. Nice job.

pleading - fear in her voice. “No please, NO!”

*fixes bayonet*

One thing I especially liked was how the father wasn't just some monster from Tartarus. He blamed his daughter for his wife's death. I like a somewhat relateable villain infinitely more than just a hate magnet. (I still want to see him burn at the stake though)

oh, and also

“MOMMA DAASH!”

HHHHUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRK

Hmm.

You know, there's a lot of Scootabuse stories I've seen on this site, and most of them tend to be either really poorly written, overly sentimental, or both. This one, I will say, doesn't seem to fall into either of these categories(not for the most part). I mean, sure, there's still quite a few grammar and spelling errors scattered throughout, but not so many that it makes it difficult to read or understand, and the quality of the writing is pretty solid overall.

In terms of sentimentality with all the character's emotions and stuff... yeaaahh, there's some of it there. Don't get me wrong; I don't feel like the author is necessarily beating the reader over the head with a brick going "CRY, DAMN IT, CRY!" like many Scootabuse-type stories do, though I won't go as far as to say that the whole thing felt "natural," either.

This story has a nice quality to it, and while it shares the whole "cliché" arc of Scootaloo getting adopted out of abusive circumstances, there's still enough here to make it worth reading anyway.

Anywho, have an upvote, my good fellow. :moustache:

scootadopt is best dopt

While reading, I could imagine the dad (if it's a good idea to call him that) laying in a hospital bed, restrained, and a few guards watching him, and Celestia giving him a death glare.

Or maybe he should get... The STARE. I wish I knew just how to get the emoticons on here, if there is one of Fluttershy doing the stare. I am reading this on my phone and I don't think I can use them on here.

Can't wait for more. Cannot wait for Scoots.

3484128 It was stated that his counterattack came as a surprise to her. If Rainbow was on her guard from the start, she could take him.:twilightsmile:

3484128 Uhhhh... When?

~ Michael

3486331 Yes, but it could have only surprised her for a moment. If she could have taken him, she would have already, and that mo' fo' would be burning in Tartarus.

This story was amazing I wish there was more chapters I don't want to stop reading that's how good this story is it almost made me cry and I wanted to hit that's stallion in the face

3486867 We have the whole story done and are editing it as we speak!

~ Michael

3482428
Thank you! When I come load Chapter two (After it's finished being edited) I will also update Chapter one to include your edits.

3483924 Why would you want to expose the rider to such evil, he's too innorcent.:rainbowlaugh: - - - then again. . . .

3484393

Bayonet? I think I'll stay outta the way of an angry Templar. . .

One thing I especially liked was how the father wasn't just some monster from Tartarus. He blamed his daughter for his wife's death. I like a somewhat relateable villain infinitely more than just a hate magnet

Thanks, Although I do have a couple of Generic villains in one of my other fics, I prefer to add a little bit to make people try to get what makes them tick.

3484818 My thanks

3484820 I think so

3485687

Celestia giving him a death glare.

That would be rather. . . warm.

I wish I knew just how to get the emoticons on here

There isn't a stare but there is this - :flutterrage:
To get them you have to know the name of the emoticon - the example I used was flutterage, then just put semicolons before and after the word - take the spaces out of my example and it will show the emoticon instead. ---> : flutterage :

3486479 really? Sarcasm on this site? i did not think it existed . . . .(How well did I do.)

3486331 I won't give anything away, but there is more action to come.

3486482

would be burning in Tartarus.

Would Tarturus accept him though, they may reject him for being too eeeeviiiilllll. LOL

3486867 As Shadowblades before me said, don't worry, the full story has been written, we're just in the editing phase of it now. Will hopefully have more uploaded soon!
:ajsmug::pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh::raritystarry::scootangel::twilightsmile::yay:

3487088

Then I'm going to LOVE THIS!!! :flutterrage:

Clunky and overacted. Poor dialogue. No horror. Ponies behaving stupidly for plot contrivance. Downvote.

:3

THAT DOCTOR MUST DIIIIIE FOREVER ALONE >8D

:yay:

:fluttercry: Poor Scoots. That is something nobody should go through. :fluttercry: :flutterrage: How could someone do something like that to a child. I hope he rots for that.:flutterrage:

“Luna!” Pinkie called, the Party Pony had absolutely no sense of decorum. “When you gonna visit my dreams again?” she called out, completely ignoring the matter at hoof.

Luna visibly shuddered.

“When I’m drunk, drunk enough to believe it safe,” she murmured

Oh Pinkie, I see that when it comes to dreams, we have something in common.:rainbowlaugh:

Wow what a chapter. It takes a lot for me to actually get angry at a character but you did it. I wanted to send Night Glider himself to go beat the stuffing out of him. So much great suspense and awesome badass moments.:rainbowdetermined2:

There is only one you should consider adding: Music. Music to help convey emotion or add to it more. I highly recommend the Kingdom Hearts 1.5 soundtrack or Attack on Titan soundtrack. But whatever you want is up to you. :twilightsmile:

Reference comment by Peace about Tartarus.

Just because they were sent to Tartarus doesn’t mean that the majority of them didn't love their children. Send that misbegotten piece of trash there

Once Apple Bloom figures out what her cutie mark is, she can build Scootaloo an awesome working artificial wing.

It is interesting how tragedy can bring out the best or the worst in people (ponies)

Don't go into the light Scootaloo! :scootangel:

The....feels.....too...many....

I died-ed.

Keep writing.

Such a good story, keep it up!

Please tell me Scoots will either get her wings back or just like John Tannius said she should get artificial wings.

3498117 Haha! This was the part that I thought up! I'm glad that you guys liked it.

~ Michael

Oh and what did you guys think of the grammar this time? I took a lot more time and care in editing this chapter; I wanted to see if there'd be a good response before we went back and went all out editing the first chapter.

~ Michael

I'm sure that some coming across this story might think, "Good lord, not another Scootabuse fic!" but this is very well done so far. I was glad the Sweetie Belle saw what was going on with Scoots and her father and decided that it was her business. Then Sweetie got Dash to come to Scoots rescue as well as the Wonderbolts. I hope that Scoots survives.:rainbowdetermined2::scootangel::unsuresweetie:

3498125>>3498328 Yeah, Scoots should be able to get an artificial wing. Although normally that wouldn't work, cause pegasi flight is dependant on their magic and an artificial wing wouldn't be able to carry their magic. However I'm sure Twilight could figure out some way of enchanting it to work, maybe a modification of the Glitterwings spell she used on Rarity. If any pony can figure out how to do it, it would be the Princess of Magic.:twilightsmile:

Boy, a lot of action happens here. The nerve of that doctor charging so much for treating Scoots, (though, you have to wonder why in the TV shows, the patients in them are never seen dealing with their medical bills) I was glad that Twilight called the doctor on that GO TWILIGHT!!

I loved how Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom told Dash that they would remain Scootaloo's friend no matter what, even though she might respond negatively to losing her wings. Providing of course that Scoots survives.

So now everyone's heading toward Canterlot where Scoots will hopefully receive the right care and she will survive. I hope that they would find a way to restore Scoot's wings if she survives.

Finally, I love how you featured Princess Luna in this chapter. I am looking forward to the Season 4 premiere next Saturday, but the teaser shows hints that Nightmare Moon will reappear. I am really hoping that Princess Luna hasn't resumed being Nightmare Moon since she's my favorite Princess Pony. Anyway, I love her in this chapter. I am glad that she gave that creepy doctor the dressing down that she did. GO LUNA!!

Anyway, I am looking forward to the next chapter and see what happens.:scootangel::applecry::unsuresweetie:

3498747 Don't worry about Luna, a lot of us believe that is a flashback and that we will most likely be seeing the past as Celestia saw it with Twilight.

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