• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2014

Brownies13


E

Scootaloo has always been jealous of her friends. They have sisters and families. She only has a sister and even then Rainbow Dash hasn't exactly been the definition of a big sister. Scootaloo has too small of wings so she can't fly. She's a bit smaller than most fillies and she doesn't do well in class. Some times she even seems messy like she hadn't taken a shower in a couple of days. All Scootaloo has ever wished is to be normal and have a normal life like her friends.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 57 )

short, lacks details and REALLY fast pace. i like the idea. even if it is over used.

Comment posted by Brownies13 deleted Sep 4th, 2013
Comment posted by Brownies13 deleted Sep 4th, 2013

>>PinkPearl well it's my very first fan fiction and I've never written in chapters so I'm going to say the truth. It won't be an experts work. But still thanks and i hope u enjoy the story!

I like the story so far. Keep up the good work. Thanks :scootangel:

It's a great fanfic, and it's very sad, but I highly suggest you get a proof reader or an editor. I have seen many mistakes, and I do understand this is you first story on FIMfiction, but they can give you advice as well as get rid of the mistakes. I would help, but I'm a bit busy on my schedule, sorry. :facehoof: But the ponies are so cute! Okay, that was sort of awkward. Well, good luck! :twilightsmile: I look forward to your future chapters!

-Oh! Wait! Have this moustache! :moustache: -And a cookie!

O (Fail cookie... :derpytongue2: )

this story is so good :scootangel:

Very good start for your first fan fic! I think you could slow down somewhat and dig a little deeper into the background. I'd enjoy seeing you emphasize the emotion too!

Best of luck!

I really don't want to be rude, but there are quite a bit of things you could do to fix this story. But the most important thing (and this is something that all starting writers get wrong) is make your scenes play out longer. The confrontation with Dash and Scootaloo for example escalated too quickly, even with a child there should have been more conversation to get to her running off.

Good story, but everything is too short. Also, in pony fiction, its "somepony" not "someone". "Ya" cannot be used in literature, and "My brother siad they heard them talking about a divorce or something like that.", "said" is spelled wrong. I also agree with >>Cold Spike, the situation between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash didn't have enough fuel for that kind of reaction. I want to read more of this story, please don't take this like I'm trying to down a writer. I'll be. following this story to see how it plays out. Please make the chapters longer and keeping writing. Don't disappoint me.

Jeez, okay, you really need to cut out some of the jet fuel when it comes to this story. You have the pacing set WAY to dam fast. On a second note you need to find a proof reader to help you with some of the grammar. While being kind of bad at grammar my self I can still pick up errors in this story. I don't want to think about what other people are seeing. (( no, really, I can't grammar for pennies. Proof readers are awesome ))

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(( Good to see you around Cold. ))
Also this, that little interaction with Scootaloo and Rainbow got twice the amount of jet fuel as the rest of the story. It also shows that you really need to learn to: "show, don't tell." When it comes to how the ponies are feeling.

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Okay, this person is mostly right. Expect somepony or somebody is a matter of taste when it comes to anything that is NOT dialog. If it is dialog its not a choice. At that point its always going to need to be somepony.

All and all? Your story is a bit dry for my taste, but it can be improved. Try to slow down your pacing and add more meat/detail to every chapter. What I will normally tell people to shoot for is about 2000+ words. Sure you can under shoot that if its going to be a short chapter, but if you have the detail that stuff needs it should be close. Good luck on the rest of your story. I will be popping in again at some point to see how you are improving.

Stay awesome everypony! :rainbowdetermined2:
~Lightfox Lowell

Loveing this story

Comment posted by Brownies13 deleted Sep 7th, 2013

story's getting deeper FYI I love scootaloo's full name in this story

3176613
can't wait for next chapter

Is Scootaloo's dad a dragon slayer or something? :unsuresweetie:

one problem its pegasi for more than one

great chapter! :pinkiehappy:, it was very well worded and overall a very cute little chapter the only little floor is some simple pieriod placements and a few capitalization errors, its just the one thing i got told that 'princesess' is a title so should be 'Princesess:derpytongue2:, but besides from that its great and if you ever need an editor/proof reader or simple reviewer I'm happy to help, -I cant wait to read some more !- :scootangel:

>>Matt11 thanks!

>>Rain Dasher yep he is. :derpytongue2:

>>temerarii pulsat thanks for the advice I'll take that into notice for my next chapter.

>>rainbowscoot677 There most likely will.:pinkiehappy: But it won't be out immediately. I'm planning on making side stories on how the CMC got there cutie marks.

>>blue-ball blitz Thanks! I have a proof editor but I'll message you if something comes up.

Welp thanks, every pony! :rainbowdetermined2:

~Brownies13

such a good chapter :scootangel: all so was that a rainbow factory reference

Darn that's the end:applecry::fluttercry::raritycry::raritydespair:

Wait a Sequel:rainbowderp::rainbowhuh:
:pinkiehappy::raritystarry::ajsmug:

Se... quel? What is this strange word you use?

You forgot about applebloom!:applecry:.....a sequel, that sounds interesting:pinkiehappy:

>>Matt11 glad you saw it, I was hoping it would catch someones eye

>>BoloneyBroney Well don't get too hyped about the sequel it will be out but I'm going ot first right the CMC side stories.

>>Lightning_striker24 don't worry AppleBloom has a whole story to herself about how she got her cutie mark

Thanks again for all the support!:pinkiehappy:
~Brownies13

"He will not tell me?"
Isn't there another pony who name has fire on there?

okay this definately needs a sequal especially with scootaloo's mother missing, it would be an interesting plot point if she were to ever come back

3193089

Its fairly obvieous who her mother is.
Name ending with Fire, het cutie mark is a wing on fire, we HAVE SEEN that pony already, just try to remmember :trollestia:

wow scoots didnt react much to getting adopted

:yay: No chance of :scootangel: being made into a rainbow!

Rainbow Dash is very worried although he will not tell me.

I used to always call Rainbow Dash a 'he' also (still do at times.:twilightblush:)

" "Scootaloo has been trying to hide something from everyone." "

It would sound better if you used "everypony", just sayin'.

Rainbow Factory references always give me such a dark smile...

What the hell kind of library has FAMILY RECORDS?! That sounds like the worst idea for a library. That kind of thing is a bit too personal for such a location, don't you think?

Not to mention that Twilight now has no respect for personal information. She is breaking into Scootaloo's personal info. That is not very nice, especially for twilight.

The basic framework is decent, though there are places where the story would have benefited from greater detail. You also missed some great potential drama with Apple Bloom, once she knew.

Also? For the love of Luna's Joystick, use a spell checker!

3542151
Genealogical history is generally considered public information. Additionally, a lot of libraries carry records and yes, they will let anyone look at them.

I'm glad Rainbow is adopting Scootaloo, that makes it nice and official. I wouldn't be surprised if some of her dad's talent got past to Scootaloo and she had to help take down a dragon eventually... bonus points if it was the one who killed her father and she sees a glimpse of his spirit rejoining that of her mom to go to the afterlife in peace.:scootangel:

They steered clear of the rainbow factory I see. hmmmmmmmmmm

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Genealogical history, yes, but it's generally not that simple to find information on living people, especially young ones.

3988266 Luna's joy stick. That can't be taken out of context at all

3217296 so your saying she might have told Spike Cranky or Zecora

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