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Twilight gets constantly lost in her research, never stopping to think how it affects those about her, will she realise before it's too late
Re-Write up-loaded, thanks to the supremely talented FoxInShadow for the coverart.
One-shot TwiPie with hints of RariDash
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Hmmm. There's good potential marred by inexperienced writing here.
First off, let me go ahead and say i like it, I really do, I'm even giving it a thumbs up.
But, it's clear you haven't had much time writing yet. One of the biggest suggestions I can give is the big three.
1. After you finish writing the story, spell check and read it back to yourself, out loud.
2. Read the dialogue of the characters in your head while imagining that character's voice. Does it sound like something they would say? You have several lines here that just don't sound like the owner, but that will come with time.
3. Wait one week before posting, and do steps 1 and 2 again. You will catch things you missed the first time because the story isn't as fresh in your head.
One big complaint I do have is that you made it anthro, and there really isn't a good reason for it. When a large logistcal decision is made like that, you need to make sure it has been done for a reason. Apart from mentiong they have hands a couple times, I don't really see one.
I think I'm gonna follow you and watch how you develop, because quite honestly, I want to see you get better. Good luck!
starlitomega
P.S. Use italics for dreams and letters. Bold has very few grammatically sound places in a story. Unless maybe you want to display emphasis while using italics, then bold can work.
3228251
First off thanks for the feedback on this, I really do appreciate you taking the time to leave such a good review.
as to your points on this, I can happily answer a these.
1. Normally I do this, and reading through I admit two or three times I nearly traded Pinkie Pie for Fluttershy in this, with how the emotions and actions play out, but it just seemed to fit Pinkie a little better.
I did spell check on this but when I posted on here a second spell checker in my browser threw me - I'm based in the UK and all my spellings are usually correct for here, Unfortunately my browser (Firefox) only has the option for english (US).
2. I always do this - that's what made me believe in the story as it was - my main hangup I will admit has always been my grammar. So much so I've gone back to college to re-sit my GCSE's 10 years after leaving school to try and improve.
3. After the abysmal performance of my story Hardships & Truths I normally do this.
The reason I didn't with this is simple, I wanted this out in it's raw format as when I wrote it, I couldn't sleep and just typed, didn't expect to have a one-shot done by the end of the night/beginning of the morning.
Once again thank you for your feedback on this - as it is I noticed I need to edit my A/N on this, as this is my second Anthro story not first!
seriously though thanks for the feedback on this, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to print out your comments and stick them by my desk somewhere to remind me.
3228358
Eh, it's no real big deal. If you like, If you have something in the future you'd like to post, message me with a gdocs link and allow for comments and i can give you a bit of a hand.
Also, i agree with you on the pony choice. Pinkie plays well with Twilight in the whole relationship thing.
If you have time, you should check out one of my stories as it's kinda similar. Here it is if youd like a look.
The Grammar is all over the place, the syntax varies midsentence, the descriptive terms are here-and-there like the aftermath of a pillow fight, and you drop random characters or objects like Fancy Pants in with little explanation, when you do describe something, it's more of a one-shot "Hey, Pinkie noticed the floor of the train matched Twilight's-" sentence cuts off, there is no emotional depth and the coma was cliche.
3236317 All of your points are agreed with, but I have to admit this was written at about 2am - 5am when I couldn't sleep - At least you didn't spot the sentence that I missed half the words of!
I've will be loading this up to gdocs and am slowly re-reading and commenting for myself on various changes to it to try and make it flow better - but this will now be more a side project. Any one-shots I post will more than likely not be my best work as they're more a case of me trying to shift writers block as I work on Mutual rescue, which is the fic I am dedicating most of my time to.
Thanks for commenting though, feedback like yours is what I crave to help me become a better writer!
Great story! I started tearing up after Pinkie came back and after Twilight's friendship report.
This is an awesome story! I just wanted to point out that Rainbow sounds kinda like AJ so I was a bit confused at times, and there are a few small grammar mistakes. This hit me right in the feels though
You brought me to tears man, but it was a great story with massive feels!
One thing I have to point though...
Is Fluttershy unimportant in this story, too?
I wanted to cry! OMG this was sooooo good!
As I read the last line I had the sudden urge to wail out in a mixture of happiness and sorrow.
No story I have ever read has made me feel that.
Well shite. That was a heart tugger.
Why is this story anthro? I dunno why but I hate stories with anthros and "Anon" but this one caught my attention. All in all good story.