In a society where free will is an illusion. Where people dream and can not wake up.
It is necessary to cast out who you are and conform to the ones who came before.
Holding hopes at heart, even in burdened paths.
Grasping dreams through time, even if it takes a life.
But if the choice was given, what would I choose to do?
Setting after MLP: EG. Written in first person.
Rated Teen for mild language, gore and sexual themes.
Please, leave a comment after reading. Feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Chapters (11)
Heres my response:
Innocent until proven guilty. Wheres your proof that I'm drawing them in? If I kill them just by being near them, shouldn't that suggest they should stay away from me?
ahh well paranoia and fear fucks another person.
Hmmm.. A little choppy, but promising. You need a bit more detail on surroundings and character actions. Good start!
I would recommend a proof reader.
I'm curious as to how a society more or less in the Sixteenth Century would not know what a poleax was... Ah, well...
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We'll their ponies so spears probably wouldn't be very long or heavy, lack if war, and the fact that te crystal empire has been non existent for a thousand years.
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The Good:
1. Your formatting is great.
2. You've built a place we've never seen, rather than just setting everything in Ponyville.
3. I love your technique of parallelism: First half we see the human get up at the crack of noon, second half we see Gilda get up at the crack of dawn. Good direct contrast.
The Bad:
1.
put it in the room next to mine.
You have trouble with your prepositions ("IN the room", "ON the roof", "BY the pond", etc.). A second pass and you would probably catch most of them.
I... I enjoy this though I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe its because of the fresh spark of originality this story has, probably that. There's only a few spelling and grammar issues, nothing that made me want to stop reading this mind you. Aside from that good fic. Looking forward to more.
EDIT: Another reason I like this fic, you didn't make Humanity seem like horrible evil monster deserving of the quickest genocide and were the main character is the only good individual among us. Read a couple HiE's like that recently and it annoyed me to no end. Have another stache for not being an arse.
As to the theories, what if their planet is a lot more dense than their sun and moon. So instead of orbiting, they would just crash into the planet if they weren't constantl being held at bay? The sun and moon, without guidance, would rocket into the planet, the moon would crash and do untold amounts of damage, while the sun would act like the largest nuclear bomb to ever exist. There goes several large countries!
Entertaining. Please continue. Also, several errors reside within the chapters of thy story. Obtain a pre-reader, you must. Eeyup.
This is interesting but has language issues. You should check the forums and other areas for an editor or proofreader because "I love the smell of wet dirty" makes no sense and feels like a bad translation.
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Thanks for commenting and pointing my error.
Yeah, I reread that, didn't made much sense.
About the editor/proofreader: agreed. Can't catch all my mistakes.
This story finally gets the thumbs-up for me. You're getting better at developing your characters. Keep trying to put yourself in their shoes and keep them in character and you'll do wonders with your story.
I'd recommend getting an editor. You'll go far indeed!
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Thanks for the compliment!
The editor is a must. I'll surely look for one. As well as someone for the cover art.
I'm also pretty happy with my grammar, it's not perfect, but when I look at the initial chapters I notice how it grew. Slowly, but it grew.
This is my favourite fix on this site right now
I have a wonderful idea for a recipe! Take two changelings. Two eggs. Seperate eggs. Beat the changelings....er...or was it...? Eh! Details!
This is a pretty long story ill put it in my read later list for now have and up vote.