PonySlayer
Joined 8th Sep, 2013 ·
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First impressions of your story, it was okay. I will take responsibility for that opinion in advance, finding such situations kind of cheesy and cliché, but I am not saying that's a bad thing. As far as more intimate stories go, a semblance of a story is actually appreciated, and I generally skip through the saucy bits anyways. Writing style was neat and easy to follow, and overall I did enjoy the fairly adult approach to same sex relationships, though again, a bit cheesy at times. Don't let that stop you though, because being a man of class, I do enjoy cheese with my wine,
Thank you for the hard work, and even though I doubt this comment will be of any benefit to you, I just want you to know that it is a good piece, and has my support, whatever that counts for. Have a great day.
Not very good writing. You should change "You damn spot," to "Out, damn spot," because a Macbeth reference would have made me laugh, instead of giggle.
Good stuff!! Can't wait for more!!
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130649728613.gif
3293271
It was supposed to be the macbeth reference, i forgot to change that when i edited it. sorry
3293484
Ah, good. It was a justified giggle after all!
Horrry Shit!! it totally just went from reading out loud, dishes, toast, foreplay,argument, then sex.
the Macbeth reference made me hard
as your editor...
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMDcvMDcvMjJfMTZfNTJfOTQ1XzM2MTI4X19wcmluY2Vzc19jZWxlc3RpYV9xdWVzdGlvbmFibGVfbW9sZXN0aWFfaV9jYW1lIl1d/36128__princess-celestia_questionable_artist-megasweet_princess-molestia_i-came.png
Can i please get some feedback. i really need it.
3324742
Here's my opinion:
You have a good story here. I liked the idea behind it. I liked the interactions between the characters.
However, the pacing was way too fast if you ask me. I feel this would have been better if made into at least three different chapters of the length of this one: one for each stage of the relationship or something (intro and confession, date and argument, make-up and ending sex).
Other than that, my only real complaint is the grammar, plus a typo or two. And by the grammar, I mainly mean you need a lot more commas in your sentences. Many of them run on needlessly and sound very awkward without commas to dictate a pause in speech.
I mean the way you wrote many of the sentences is a lot like this sentence here because there are no commas to break it up it sounds like I'm just rambling on like Pinkie Pie or something.
Otherwise, a very touching story. It definitely made me smile by the end (though the clop scene at the end didn't do much for me for some reason. Might have been because it was so short). Hope this helps!
3431945
I should not have listened to them.
This helped a lot actually!
Thank you for the help, I will go through it with an editor and fix the camma problem.
I did have a thought to make it multiple chapters but my buds said to make it a short one shot
thank you again for the help man!!!
Saw one of your cries for input, came over and read this.
The idea here is good, but it needs to be fleshed out and elaborated on. I can't guarantee that I will have the time for it, but perhaps I could try making some edits for your approval?
Feel free to reply to this comment or let me know via PM.
3432914
2 things...
1) love the avatar
2) you have my permission, how will the editing happen? Google Docs or will you just write the corrections in the comments and have me fix them in time?
3432935
1) Why thank you! I've used it for many a website. Your avatar ain't so bad too!
2) I'll edit it in Google Docs and PM you the "completed product."
My Google Docs is tied with my public Google profile so I'm a little cautious about who I share it with. I'm sure you're a good person (the majority of bronies are by default), I just have reasons for being careful. 
3432935
Alright...
7/10 on grammar. You did fairly well spelling-wise. I only counted four mistakes (two instances of your instead of you're, shutter instead of shudder, and a wrongly hyphenated word). You've got some serious comma issues, and you've also got a lot of repetitive sentence structure.
Understand that when I say this, I'm not bashing your work, I'm just letting you know what could be done better in the future. Anyway… the story itself didn't wow me that much. The characters were… pretty flat. I mean, normal people don't have multiple mood swings that go from happiness to screaming in no time flat unless there's something medically wrong with them.
It could've been a good story, if it were a lot longer. As is, though… sorry, it just didn't wow me.
3571514
Ouch.. I understand though.
Thank you lots for the feedback
I need more opinions! hate or love i need them!
I hope you write more, because you have the potential to be great. I thought the characters where written well in some instances and then poorly in others. Lily acts like she's bipolar and freaks out way too quickly. You should also take your time with the scenes the story jumps around too much, too quickly. I agree with Unimpressive Vagaries on one thing, this story should have been longer.
Other than that, I thought your story was good, and I hope to see you improve over time.
3783513
I will keep all this in mind on my new story
thank you for your insight
Agreeing with multiple flash, disregarding the extremely fast reactions this story is amazing. I don't usually give these out, but you may have a Like AND a Fav (although the fav is still just a standard tracking thing)
3973647
I will keep all these thoughts in mind. 
thank you.
I'm actually making a sequel here soon for this fic
i like it, but...You could definately have made this a longer more drawn out story. Especially with the conflict, which i will admit was good, but was solved a bit too quickly. Not only that, but rose definitely could have spent a lot more time trying to sort out her feelings and the internal conflict with her prejudice. Something like that could actually take more than two chapters if you wanted it to. Not only that, but when you had her leaving, you could have had her stay away for a while and while away, could have given her a moment when everything seems to hit her, putting her entire life into perspective, allowing her to get past her own prejudice and accept Lily's love.
I don't, im just rambling. Anyway, the story was good none the less and I wouldn't mind reading it again later. Great job.
p.s. I hope this helps with any fics you might write in the future. Good luck!
4542867
thank you, this does help a bit. I was thinking on rewriting this story sometime in life. I'll keep all these ideas in mind.
4543332 Glad I could help.
I see not the reason you should want to make request, for you are quite the author yourself.
Do you want an honest opinion of this work from one such as I?
5034068
yes please
5034069 I am going to skip minor grammatical errors that plague even the most professional of authors's work.
I like people to point them out in my work occasionally so I can fix them but what I really want is a critique of the story itself. So this is what I will give you. 
I was a little concerned with Rose's and Lily's constant mood swings... I had to read a couple of sections twice in order to comprehend what had triggered the sudden changes. To be fair however, love will do that to people... ponies in this case.
Lily's character in the beginning of the story concerned me a bit. If she had known about Rose all along and was just trying to get her to admit her feelings... I feel that would be a rather abrupt and abrasive way of doing it. If she hadn't known... I wouldn't feel as if one would play like that with one another. I know everyone jokes around like that with one another but that would be considered a little too far. Alas I digress however. This is merely an opinion of mine and this is your story. That is the great thing about writing your own piece. anything you want to happen can happen.
Now... I can find Rose's problem relateable. The twist at the end from one problem to the next was unexpected but in a good way.
Your certainly not too skittish with your themes or your own style of writing. You display emotions well with each character.