• Member Since 8th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Jan 27th, 2016

PonySlayer


I'll slay you with cuteness!

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The unnamed warrior tries to find a way to escape the asylum, but he ended up taking a fatally wounded knights undead mission. He eventually meets up with six other travelers who recently turned undead, and who are also trying to complete there own undead mission, But little do they know what kind of dangers lie ahead...
(loosely based on the game Dark Souls)

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 34 )

i really liked this story!!! make more!!!!

for a new writer you are pretty good, keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by PonySlayer deleted Sep 10th, 2013

At the command of the authors notes I shall comment!

I like it thus far. I kinda get this rushed feeling, not that it's short just that it could have a bit more here and there. But that's just a feeling.

My only real complaint is it's difficult to tell who's talking from time to time.
At least twice in this chapter alone I was convinced it was one of the mares talking when it was Rocky.

Still, I'm enjoying it thus far and can't wait to see where you take it. :twilightsmile:

3186630

The confusion of who is talking is related to the fact that the author is not separating conversations into separate paragraphs.

This can be easily fixed by making a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. Even if each character says only one sentence it should be separated from the next characters speech.

That is my recommendation.

3195030

I'm aware and agree. :twilightsmile:
It would go a long way to clear up the confusion and clean up the story by separating the wall of text that can hinder plus discourage many readers.
(Though I was actually didn't notice till I looked back over the chapters.)

Either way, you're 'on the ball' as the saying goes. :pinkiesmile:

Well now when I get to writing my own dark souls story. There will be three on this website ( oh well I wasn't planning on doing it for a while and who doesn't like competition?)

thank you for the help guys ... i will try to separate the quotes from the narration on my next part of the story and later i will do that to the existing parts too :yay:

3195483

Glad to know you were listening. :pinkiesmile:
It was vastly easier to read.

It's a great chapter in my opinion. I love the tender moments between Rocky and Jack while also impressed by his frustration at his own weakness.
Definitely gonna keep an eye on this.:twilightsmile:

Already liked! What do you want from me!?:fluttercry:

And here's the comment. Other then a few miss spelling here and there I like it again.
I'm still happy you decided to clean up the conversations and will eagerly wait for the next one.

Noticed mistakes;

1) I handed the cloth to Pinkie so she may clean herself, but she had already liked(licked) the food off of her face.

2) I had Two objects raped(wrapped) up in cloth strapped to my back. Grinning as I make my way to Apple Jack I pulled a small strip of silk holding it in my mouth making it very noticeable to Apple Jack.

okay guys! sorry for the wait, i'll have the next part up in a few days! Woot! Woot!

Well, that's an interesting chapter, can't wait to see their reaction when they find out the annoying truth of the bell, lofl. :pinkiecrazy:
Still, a number of mistakes spelling wise here and there and one or two sentences that made little sense but overall an enjoyable chapter. :):twilightsmile:

First Comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOWOWOWOOOOOOOOOOO:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::ajsmug::ajsmug::ajsmug::duck::duck::duck::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::moustache::moustache::scootangel::scootangel::heart:
dem Fucin' Bananas.... they're creeppy!!!!!:raritydespair:

It seems as though the layout of the map has changed because they had killed the gargoyles before they crossed the bridge. this is going to be one long story if it covers the whole of the game.

3590270
I didnt follow the game... its my own thing with a twist of DS. be prepaired to ragequit

3590274 I see now. let's just hope they kill the gaping dragon before the magnus keeper of the abyss. lol

Haha, great story so far.

Comment posted by Coconut of Doom deleted Feb 7th, 2014
Comment posted by Coconut of Doom deleted Feb 7th, 2014

I take back my last comment I posted on this chapter, ive only noticed 3 typos, also, this story is great.:scootangel:

Demons talking? Bullshit! Other than that and the fact you keep putting "hallow" instead of "hollow" it's all fine really

There's talk of missions but no explanation for what they are. The Oscar pony didn't give the old tale and I have no idea what the Mane 6 mission is XD. Also Rocky better become a GiantDad

... Havel?! Bishop Havel?! Bishop Havel the Rock?! No just a name... Right? But still for an undead that's been to the asylum he's got an EXCELLENT memory ._. And do undead need to eat? I don't think any of them ever eat food XD

Alright I've got serious problem here. Hollowing isn't evil nor does make anyone evil. Humanity is the fuel for the first flame. Undead are used as fuel. Burning their humanity. Hollows aren't capable of evil. They're not capable of anything. That's why they're called hollows... They're empty... And that miracle... Is the largest amount if bullshit I've ever read but I'm gonna give this story a few more chances because I'm enjoying it. Also the end of that chant was about banishing nothing into the void... The Abyss? Wait is she praying for his humanity to go the Abyss? She's trying to kill him XD

So I guess there are no giants... And hollows aren't hate filled beings they're literally empty! No memories, few souls, barely any equipment and no emotions. They're what the undead fear not because they're some evil monster but because they have nothing if what made them as people anymore. And the bell is just a signal for the gate keepers to wake up and open it

Why does Solaire give a damn about Celestia? It's made clear in the game that he cherishes to sun itself and not Gwyn. Celestia isn't the sun so he'd just be like in the game and praise the sun not the sun mover. Dragons aren't evil they're basically the most passive creatures in the game. Drakes are humans or in this case ponies that joined the dragon covenant to gain the dragons power. The Ancient Dragons never attack without provocation... Actually one of them doesn't attack you even if you cut it's tail off. Further more shut up Fluttershy that's a drake XD

4866029
there is a reason why I stopped this story. My Lore back then was off. but like I said in the description, this fic is loosely based off the game. its in my own universe.

4868365 Fair enough... Sorry if I was a bit... Strong with the comments XD

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