PonySlayer
Joined 8th Sep, 2013 ·
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I like it so far! Keep it up
Omg That Tease AAAAHHHH!!!!!!
Interesting turn of events
To steal from Macklemore.."this is fucking awesome!"
This Is SoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Such a great Ending to the Trilogy
I love it! Completely amazing! Some sexual stuff, but mixed with a backbone of their past, all ends up into a beautiful, passionate, happy ending. Bravo my friend, bravo
As I said it would be, so it is. I am here.
Having not even started reading yet, I have something to say. To put it nicely, your description needs work. There are several errors throughout, and, to be frank, it looks like you posted it while you were still working on it. Please clean it up, it's quite messy.
Now, to begin...
Write on,
Legion
3325127
I'm feeling nervous. lol
I really never get like this when someone reads my stories.
3325153
Wow. I just realized how... Well... Critical I sounded there. I'm usually much nicer sounding. Ah, well. I'm also 87.4% as random as Discord, so I guess I'm prone to change, eh?
Write on,
Legion
That ending
But seriously, on to business.
You said you had editors, right?
Fire them.
Okay, bad joke. But still, there were quite a lot of problems in this chapter that any decent editor should have caught.
Also, the description has very little to do with what's happening here. Your description is acting as more of a prequel than a description. It should be giving alittle bitof background, then show what direction the actual story will take from there.(Edit: On second thought, this is less of a problem than I thought. Description still needs to be cleaned up, though.)All in all, not bad, certainly pretty well-written, but needs some work.
Write on,
Legion
3326283
Thank you. it feels good to know you liked it. LOL
A few things here.
First:
You wrote this in first person. Thus, we can't hear her thoughts.
Second, you really need to work on punctuation.
Third, you are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy pushing the line between Teen/Sex and Mature/Sex here. I had to skip about half of this chapter. Seriously, dude. Sorry, but I won't be continuing to read and review. I hope you understand.
The writing style could be worse (trust me, I've seen worse), but it does need work. Also, I'm extremely confused by the relationship between these characters. First, he's spurning her advances, and then...
Well, I actually skipped that part.
Write on,
Legion
3344651
I put it to mature. i reread all of it, its close enuf. lol
Major typos here.
Otherwise, so far it's alright.
More typos:
hooves, not hoofs
Also, many grammatical errors that I'm not going to point out.
Only critique I'll give at this point is you should probably have done some character building, back story explaining, etc. somewhere along the line. You've got four chapters about characters we know nothing about.
Moving on now...
Alright, good to see my previous comment was wrong. Usually this sort of thing happens earlier, or at least not so close to the end, but it's fine.
Big mistake here:
There are several other mistakes as well. You should really consider getting an editor.
I'm not going to point out the grammar mistakes and typos here. There are too many. I'm sorry, but you REALLY need to find a proofreader.
As for the story itself, three major things that need work come to mind.
1. While at first you were consistent, after awhile you POVs kept changing at random, sometimes in the middle of paragraphs. You went from Cobalt in first person to third person with no explanation.
2. It needs more backstory. Or at least character development. As is, we are stuck with two characters whose entire personalities and relationship we have to gather from a single flashback and from their interactions.
3. There really wasn't much conflict to this. One major rule of writing a good romance fic is that the relationship can't be perfect. There needs to be some conflict or argument somewhere along the way. You did this fairly well in the other story I reviewed for you, but it is non-existent here.
As for the clop... honestly, I don't see how it warrants the mature tag. The scene was so brief and so lacking in description that I didn't even realize it WAS clop until I looked extremely closely. The clop in your other story was better, even if it was short. Of course, maybe this is the way it should work for this fic, seeing as how the focus is less on clop more on romance. But still, I have trouble even viewing it as clop.
All in all, this fic was okay to be honest. It definitely warrants a like.
However, to sum up my points, you have characters we don't know and couldn't really connect with, you lack much detail (honestly, most of the story has blurred together for me, to the point I can barely remember the details), your clop barely counts as clop, and you need a proofreader.
3433273
oh wow i didn't catch those
I'll fix them here soon
3433361
And thank you for taking the time to read this story. It was rated teen at first, but after a couple of threats from some other readers i changed it to mature. Getting back on topic... Yeah i guess i can take some time and go through this again and fix up the obvious mistakes and maybe add some extra details here and there.
Once again thank you for the help.
3433596
No probs!
Very good story. Although I didn't get enough character personality in this story for the OC's, it all in all was quite touching.
The main problem is the POV in this story. It keeps changing from 1st to 3rd. It's best to keep a single POV at all times. It's possible to alternate In special occasions (for example, starting in third but have a flashback where it focuses on one pony in particular.) but other than that it should stay constant. Based on this story, I would suggest 3rd person.
However I digress...
9 out of 10 for romance
8 out of 10 for grammar.
8 out of 10 for overall story.
Good work.
3434507
That means a lot to me!
Thank you
3614664
You mean continue with the story?
3614667
Thank you! she is my favorite Oc I made. even though she's a girl she is a lot like me.
3614672
I never thought of a sequel. hmmm
I may continue with the story. Would you like to throw out some ideas you have for this story? anything you liked or you think should of happened?
Heh, Ebony reminds me of my OC Star Blast. They both have the same color scheme and the personality, it was identical to my OC.
3649129
Well Ebony is me as a chick.... so yep
3649140
That.......I'm not sure but I enjoy the story. But seriously, she reminded me of Star Blast. The particular perverted personality. Only difference is that Star has a........taboo love interest towards somepony.
3649154
Nice, but I'm not joking, this story is based off events in my life, just made more funny.
3649168
Ah, a fellow writer who uses his own life events for inspiration.
3649206
yep, the window breaking in the first part of the story, that was me and My brother breaking the window when we got locked out of the house. we ended up figuring out the door was unlocked...
3649218
That moment.
Well my stories were more........based on a darker aspect. Star's taboo interest I mentioned earlier is a real life situation I done.
3649232
The rave scene was way more crazy in real life, and the drugs was not a magical glow stick. Vinyl wasn't there either.
3649242
I can only imagine..........
3649248
And the sex was in a bathroom stall.
3649257
That sounds familiar.
Ughhh.
Dood, I love ocXoc fics, and I think we need more of them, but, my god does this story have its faults.
But, then, what story doesn't?
I'm not repeating what some people said, but you really need to change this to mature.
But, I'll leave a like, as I enjoyed it, off as it was.
Just keep writingg, man, and you'll get better with time.